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Monday, February 02, 2015

Bachelor episode 4 recap or "I'm a camping virgin, and I'm also a virgin camping,"

The coming up on the bachelor promo shows alot of crying so I expect a good episode.
Chris Prime in order to earn his cheque this week starts the show by over explaining that Chris' sisters will be deciding who goes on the one on one with Chris, in the meantime he drops off a group date card, but because they do not pay him enough to read he just leaves it on the radio.

The date card says they are going 'natural' the heavily made up girls start to freak out...they go driving in convertibles the Kardashian wannabe says that one of the sexiest things a man can do is drivers everywhere just rejoiced. They arrive at a lake...strip down to bikini time! I wonder how all the peeps snowed in on the east coast are reacting to this, I bet there are a tonne of dudes who would normally be at the gym right now 'forced' to cuddle with their girl and's okay guys, you can use the storm as the excuse.

A few girls (including the virgin, I feel like that is important to point out) remove articles of clothing to get in the lake, it prompts frowns.
Cut back to the house and Chris' sisters have arrived, one of the girls is amazed to learn that one of Chris' sisters lives in Ireland, I think she thinks it is just the land of Lucky Charms and Leprechauns.  Jillian is passed out in a bikini by the pool, and yes you guessed it THERE IS A HUGE BLACK BAR ON HER BUTT. Is the black bar quickly becoming the MVP of the season?

The sisters question the girls, they ask Jade what she does and she says she models for a website...that part is true but she does not tell them that one of the modelling sites in her past is PLAYBOY ;) No seriously, I am not kidding.

Cut back to the group date: Kelsey the guidance counselor from Austin, hates the group date and is constantly complaining about it, she especially hates the fact that they will be camping out by the lake, as she is whining about that a bee stings her 2 inches from her lady bits - sometimes the truth is just so much funnier than fiction.

Back to the sisters, and a girl breaks down crying, she wants Chris to be like her grandfather - weird. Britt reminds us of what she told the sisters, that she is a front runner: Jade is selected by the sisters to go on the one on one - How now Britt?

Our kiss count has been poor today, but Chris is now taking the girls to the side so we know its time for this to kick up a notch. Kaitlyn gets the first bit of interaction so she gets the first kiss. ONE

It has been a whole episode since Ashley S has acted crazy so she immediately launches into singing her own made up song and dancing around the camp fire, In her interaction with Chris she starts the conversation off with "What are you?" As Chris starts to tell her about Iowa, she kisses him TWO and then tells him "I really love you, I really love everything about you...I hope that resonates within your mind don't have to say anything."

We go next to Ashley I, who really is just as crazy as S, but shows it differently, she mixes talking with aggressive kissing THREE. Ashley thinks she is guaranteed to get the rose.

Kaitlyn gets the rose and also quite frankly tells us that she is drunk - I love this girl.

Ashley I tells us that she has never had a boyfriend and that she has to tell Chris that she is a virgin.."I will take things I do not believe for $400 Alex" She sneaks into Chris' tent late in the night to tell him about her lack of experience. She hints strongly that she is a virgin, but does not actually say it, all while they dry hump. Chris completely does not get could he?

The girls are all back at the house and the campers find out that Jade gets the princess themed date...Ashley I is jealous because apparently she tries to live her life as a Disney Princess, this is the same girl that models her life after a Kardashian - euthanasia, not just a fun word to say. A crazy lady with pink hair and an entourage comes along to pamper Jade and get her ready for her ball. The girls are all supremely jealous that Jade is getting the 'royal treatment' she gets to keep the Neil Lane diamond earrings (yeah yeah, I will fall for your trap Bachelor and help you promote), the pink haired lady claims that she got the inspiration for Jade's outfit from the new movie Cinderella (Disney cross promotion)...because noway could she have dressed Jade up without showing us and her clips from "the upcoming movie Cinderella".

We see Chris dancing/practicing a a waltz by himself, words cannot describe the goofiness of the look on his face and his awkward motions. Jade is a very pretty girl, but I do not think her hair, makeup and dress flatter her (this is close to the least masculine sentence I have typed all year so I am off to go check my cookies for a moment to get my 'me' back).

Jade admits to Chris that she was engaged before, Chris tells her he was too. Cut back to the house and Ashley I is wearing her Princess date dress (a dress she specifically brought for a Princess date) she made the conscious effort to get dressed up and made up to mimic Chris and Jade's date, while Chris is not there! Told you above she was as crazy as Ashley S and that was before I even knew this was coming...I think she might be crazier than the S, the I might actually stand for Insane! She sits by herself on the couch nibbling corn on the cob.

Jades gets the rose, the date was incredibly boring, All that dance practice goes to waste as Chris and Jade dance while an orchestra plays for them with the New Disney Movie Cinderella plays on the screen behind them. Chris' dancing is really just repeatedly going side to side, they kiss. FOUR. And at the stroke of midnight, Jade has to run away.

2nd group date time:
And the Bachelor producers do that cruel move of making girls who are relationship thirsty go on a date where they have to wear wedding is like taunting a tiger with meat. Jillian is not very happy to be playing dress up. But she is about to get drippy with joy because they are going to be doing an obstacle course. Jillian of course houses the competition, one of the girls says Jillian should have been wearing a tux, she then asks if her muscles are bigger than Chris' then says "is her Dick bigger than Chris'?" its funny and its mean and I love it.

Jillian and Chris go on a date and like so many people that are too into fitness she does not stop talking about fitness while on the date, Chris admits to drifting off while she is talking. He tells us that while she is talking he is thinking about unicorns! Jillian ignores the romantic setting and talks about topics that are not conducive to romance. Chris breaks out the rose and is telling Jillian that he is not feeling giving her the rose and Jillian's confidence is shattered and she begins to cry she goes from being the cocky girl who felt like she could muscle her way through everything to the girl who is just like anyone else and feels bad at rejection. I don't care so much about the sending home, I am just annoyed that the kiss count does not multiply. I predicted at least 7 kisses, this is not helping my bet.

It is cocktail ceremony time,
Megan is first, she blindfolds Chris and says "let's see if you know your 5 senses but you can only use three of them which consists of taste, smell and I don't know the other one" She feeds him fruit in chocolate, he guesses at the foods, I do not see a kiss...what is going on here?

Ashley I pulls Chris aside to make sure that he knows she is a virgin, he is clearly stunned and clearly did not get that from the tent conversation. Ashley thinks that telling him she is a virgin cost her a kiss.

Carly immediately gets a kiss right after the awkward conversation -  FIVE.

While the girls learn that Ashley I is a virgin, Becca also reveals that she is a virgin. Kaitlyn: "We have 2 virgins, one Chris" - I told you I love this girl.

Jade looks better here at the rose ceremony than she did at her ball.

Britt spends her time with Chris, throwing other girls (particularly my girl Kaitlyn) under the bus, Chris stutters through an explanation of what he does with his time with the other girls. It causes Chris to have a group meeting and tell the girls that if any of them are having a problem with him 'best get a stepping' (or something to that effect).

Rose Ceremony:
And Juelia gets some camera time, but I think it is just so that we get to see the spelling of her name once again. Ashley I is the opposite of the confidence she exuded last week. Britt is also panicking - in her head she must be thinking "maybe insulting a man minutes before he hands out roses is not the best strategy". But Britt and Ashley I get the final 2 roses. Ashley S unfortunately does not get a rose, I will miss her brand of crazy. Juelia also does not get a rose, I will not miss that name!

The Ratchet scale is mid-high this week lots of nudity, huge black bar and 'suspect' virginity. It's a 6 on the scale.

MVP is Ashley I, she stepped up the crazy, stepped up the virginity declarations!

Ashley S was a runner up for saying "I feel nothing" after being eliminated and then hooting like an owl. 

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.