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Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Bachelor recap or we were all immeasurably blessed to know Kelsey

So black Matt and I got sushi and are eating it in my living room, he then asks "what time does the Bachelor come on?" I recognize the signs of someone who wants to watch the show but will use me as the - on to the show. Well, pause, on to a few more drinks, now on to the show!

We start the episode where we left off last week, with Kelsey on the ground wailing and Kaitlyn telling us "Bitches be Crazy" (marry me Kaitlyn). The girls are all rolling their eyes especially when the medic asks Kelsey to tell her her pain level from 0-10 and Kelsey says there is no pain. When the medic asks is there anyone we can get for you Kelsey immediately says one word "CHRIS" (I must have missed when he got his md), she then tells the medic "I am definitely getting a rose for sure."

 Chris proves to have magical restorative powers and immediately Kelsey is better she gets the first kiss of our episode, early start to our kiss count - ONE!

Kelsey goes back to talking to the other girls, and maniacally laughing
"the things i was saying during my panic attack were positively droll, daaaahlings!"
Ashley I in her confessional questions the producers as to whether they have paper work to prove that Kelsey had a real husband...funniest thing she has done all season. Kelsey clearly thinks she is going to get a rose from Chris thanks to her stunt incident. She makes my beard itch, I know that is not science but I think it is causative!

We go to the rose ceremony and Black Matt asks "Wait they are giving out Roses already?" I knew he had the signs of someone who watches this show, how else would he have known that roses normally come at the end?

Jade gets a rose, and then the only one I really care about, Kaitlyn gets a rose, normally I would zone out here, but Ashley I is constantly crying in her confessional cut aways and Kelsey is staring daggers from the podium. Kelsey's neck muscles have tightened like she is squatting 200lbs, I finally learn Samantha's name since she gets a quick confessional to tell us that she is worried about going home. Kelsey tells us in her confessional that the other girls should be worried, she is right because she gets the final rose. Mackenzie proving to us that she is too young for this show says "If I get rejected tonight I don't know if I'd ever be able to get over it." Mackenzie and Samantha get the boot, in saying good bye Chris holds Samantha's hand and said "It is very tough, you have no idea" which I think was him modifying his true words which were going to be "It is not tough to send you home because I have no idea who you are." "sry what did u say your name was??"
Kaitlyn on Kelsey remaining "I wanted to punch her right in the teeth-holder" be still my beating heart.

Sooooo Samantha says probably 8 words all season but lasts till week 6, Amber the Black girl, was bubbly, smart and made out with Chris yet was booted week 3???????

We are leaving Santa Fe, New Mexico to go to Deadwood, South Dakota...the budget seems low this season, are we off to Wyoming next week? The girls have to fake enthusiasm about being in Deadwood, the plastic smiles are great.

Kelsey says she wants the one on one, she "worked so hard, I have earned it", she has no chill and a creepy laugh.
Becca gets the one on one, Kelsey tells us "I am not happy".

Chris is shown randomly and foolishly walking through a field...gotta get that establishing shot. Becca is allegedly 25 I state out loud that I do not believe it, Black Matt agrees while saying something that I cannot say in polite company, but its the reverse of 'Black don't crack'. The date consists of horseback riding, the-bachelor-feb-9-25
so we cut back to the hotel room, the girls are discussing Kelsey.

Kelsey walks in and Whitney, Carly and Kaitlyn confront her (I am shocked that I can remember that many names). Kelsey starts spinning answers out, Carly (holding a huge glass of wine) does not appear to be buying a word of what Kelsey is saying. Kelsey claims that she does not know what she is saying sometimes - she says that to the girls, in her confessional however, "I get it, I am blessed with eloquence and I use a lot of big words because I'm smart." -Kelsey tells us that she didn't go through the death of a spouse to deal with these girls Black Matt dryly says "or he killed himself" then looks at me and says "You can put that in your blog", he doesn't know that he has already been added to the blog!

Back to the date and Chris and Becca are 'cooking' I keep wondering if she is going to tell him that she still has her V-Card! They begin to discuss 5 year plans and Becca smartly pretends that she wants to be married with the special someone with kids. Uh oh, Becca is talking about a bad relationship, methinks she is about to drop the bomb...but nope more boring talk. We cut to the hotel room and the group date card arrives, by the process of deduction (basic math) the girls realize that the 2 on one date (the one where historically one person immediately is sent home) is Kelsey and Ashley I, (I think I can drop the I since Ashley S is gone) with Ashley showing excitement claiming she thinks she is going to kick "Kelsey's Ass."

Becca shows us that she really might be a virgin because she is worried that her dad might see her kissing, but once she gets the rose she digs in - KISS TWO!


Big & Rich walk up and Black Matt politely pretends to not judge me for being able to recognize them instantly before anyone says their name.
lol nope
The guys are here to help the girls write and perform songs.

This has become a constant trope of the Bachelor; season after season, the girls meet a musical act and then write (or the songs are pre-written) and perform for the Bachelor! Jade claims writer's block and goes running down the street with Big for inspiration,the-bachelor-feb-9-8
 but while she gets inspired it is then killed when she comes back into the saloon to see Chris and Britt kissing (THREE) repeatedly.

Chris will perform first, in order to 'set the girls at ease' with a guy on a banjo who looks like Yosemite Sam come to life.the-bachelor-feb-9-11
 Chris sounds exactly like I sound when I practice the harmonica, if I had a dog in my apartment it would be howling.

Britt is up next, and of course (as a waitress in LA) she kills it. the-bachelor-feb-9-13
Whitney, sings like she talks...cartoony. Kaitlyn, raps and rhymes about her fever and tells us "make him touch my Beaver (which was edited)" I LOVE HER.
Carly (the cruise singer) brings Chris on stage with her and works him like a patron who is at the Captain's table. the-bachelor-feb-9-1
Kaitlyn calls it an intense moment...she is the voice of this show y'all - Chris Prime, watch your back, if she does not win, and/or does not become the Bachelorette, she might snatch yo job homie! Jade was right, she cannot sing, but the lyrics were at least cute. As Big & Rich give us a synopsis, you realize that they did not do much in the way of teaching these girls...guess they have an album coming out.

The info card comes out for the 2 on one date and they are going to the Badlands, Kelsey is unreasonably excited about this.

Back to the evening portion of the group date - Jade gets the first one on one time and the kiss count goes to FOUR, I show Black Matt her playboy photos "Oh wow, I wonder if ABC knew about that." Kaitlyn and Chris have a talk but I do not see a kiss (not disappointed by that even though the kiss count is affected). Britt and Chris leave the saloon and go running off into the night, leaving the other girls to wonder where they are heading...turns out they are running off to a Big & Rich show (shocking). Chris and Britt make out in the crowd while peeps break out their camera phones - we don't count repeat kisses but this display comes close to us breaking the rules. Chris takes Britt on stage to give her the rose and they make out constantly in front of the crowd (Richard Carlson/ABC)
Big & Rich end with their signature "Save a horse, ride a cowboy" while Britt jumps around like she is in a mosh pit.

The other girls are back in the saloon trying to pretend that the reason there is no rose on the table infront of them is because Chris has decided to not give out a rose, they are clearly wrong because Britt and Chris walk in hand in hand with a rose. This switches the expressions to stone and Chris immediately becomes deflated because try as hard as he might he cannot elicit a good reaction out of the girls. Whitney asks Britt where they went and upon hearing that it was a Big and Rich show (apparently Britt hates country music and it is known) Whitney attempts to melt her with her gaze.

 The news of the date causes all the girls to cry
Carly is sad.
even Kaitlyn - I now want to torch this whole show, NOTHING SHOULD EVER MAKE MY GIRL CRY! Kaitlyn, just before she ran off to the bathroom to cry alone.
Whitney also breaks down, but with her voice I cannot take it seriously.
Poor Whitney's had a rough week.
Time for the 2 on 1!

Ashley calls herself "Glenda the good witch, and she is the wicked witch of the west." The girls start squealing when they see a helicopter, thanks to all the money saved on South Dakota, the helicopter budget can kick in.

 They tour mount Rushmore on their way to the Badlands, Kelsey helpfully tells us who the presidents are. I threaten Black Matt and warn him to not start considering Kaitlyn.

Ashley gets the first alone time and immediately starts the sloppy loud kissing. FOUR. But once they stop kissing she brings up Kelsey I am torn on the strategy of taking your alone time to bring up another girl, without concrete examples to tell the other person - "I may be a virgin, but I am sexy and she is not."

Kelsey gets her alone time and basically tells Chris that she has had practice being a wife. Chris tells Kelsey that he has heard that she is fake, she turns it back on Ashley with "I thought she was someone that I am close with" (this would be news to Ashley) and adds "I would hate for you to let go of all of the potential between us, because of girl talk" I told you last week we should send her to negotiate with North Korea. Kelsey tells us in her confessional that Ashley has on too much make up to ever be real. While the 2 are alone on the canopy bed, Kelsey stares Ashley down, just a steady stare,
If looks could kill, part 3.
and then says "I know what you did".
Ashley points out to Kelsey "You think I'm not as smart as you, because I don't use big words? Sorry I am not from Pleasantville. I'm from 2014." I should point out that Ashley has a MASTERS degree from Syracuse - do with that what you will. They both might be bat crazy, but both bring a fun element to this show, I will miss whichever one of them goes home.

Kelsey's death stare and cold words cause Ashley to run off and seek Chris inquiring "Why did you tell her what I said to you?" the crying way of saying "Why did you snitch homie?" Chris starts to tell Ashley that she and he are in different places and that Ashley will not like his lifestyle Ashley smartly points out "You think that Britt wants the lifestyle?" Ashley breaks away to run off crying, then comes back to Chris then runs off crying.

Cut to the hotel room where the nameless person comes in to pick up the luggage of the fallen victim and the girls all have open mouthed shock when they see Ashley's luggage removed.
Back to the Badlands and Ashley is crying, and ranting, and crying and mouthing "he gave other girls so many chances." I notice the clock on the DVR, there is only about 7 minutes left, could both girls get sent home???
See, Kelsey? THIS is how you have a panic attack.
As Chris sits down to tell Kelsey the news, we can hear Ashley wailing in the background,
 Kelsey cockily hugs him, but then Chris starts to drop a bomb that Kelsey did NOT SEE COMING...and we all start to realize that Chris is sending BOTH GIRLS HOME!
 He walks off to the helicopter alone leaving both girls, Ashley alone on a sand dune and Kelsey alone under the canopy

then walking away to her own rocky formation...I guess they have to find their own way back?

lol but actually how are these women getting home

The nameless girl walks back into the room and takes the 2nd bit of luggage home and the girls in the room erupt into cheers, 
they literally start popping champagne 
and toasting with Kelsey's catch phrase "we are immeasurably blessed".

Kelsey again tells us that she is the greatest thing "my story is beautiful, tragic, amazing. I'm immeasurably blessed. I have no regrets because I challenged myself to the adventure of love."

Next week we have a 2 day Bachelor experience...kill me now.

Above I predicted the cheaping out of the budget would send us to Wyoming, instead its Iowa (I know it is Chris' home state but wow...)

Tonight's ratchet scale 4 out of 10, nothing too impressive and most of the crazy was carry over from last week.
We have Co-mvps tonight, Kaitlyn (yes I am biased) for narrating the show so well and submitting her resume for Chris Prime's job and Chris for being ballsy enough to send 2 home on the 2 on one.

The outtake shows Becca and Chris shooting, she is a bloody good shot!

I am starting to worry that I have now learned the workings of this show too well, the fact that just looking at the DVR gave me a clue as to a double elimination has me worried that I may have to stop watching... 

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.