Infrequently updated consistently funny

Friday, January 13, 2006

Of snivelling door men, hot chics and a long ass journey

I kept a running log while traveling yesterday

So I am sitting here in Tinson Pen aerodrome being thoroughly disgusted by me fellow man. The security guard here has disgusted me to the point that I may have to mention something to him…I have noticed that when persons of the darker persuasion i.e. looking like they are clearly Jamaican enter the aerodrome he ignores their entry, however when white persons enter he jumps to attention and holds the door open, he has not yet begun to bow and scrape and tap dance but I am intently observing him as that can only be next. I swear though if he says the words “yes massa” I might just have to put a “boot inna him batty.”

What the hell is this man, I thought we had moved past this foolishness of thinking that any one of light complexion must get ridiculous deference while ignoring our country men? We have been independent from Britain for 42 years our people are free now damn it. People neglect to realize that often our people have way more money in their pockets than tourists, after all most tourists have to save all year to make it to the island paradise and are tapped out and will only tip a $1 whereas a Jamaican who is out here earning money when they are willing to give might give you a bills or 2 if you do a good job.
As I type this I am also typing my article for the school newspaper I have this bad feeling that I am going to shut down my laptop and have a confrontation with this fassy because an older gentleman just came in with a box and he had to struggle to get through the door while the fassy whole security guard just stared at him and shared a joke with the other lazy fassies sitting around. I know he only held the door for me because he recognized my dad (kind of funny the way he lit up around my dad you would almost think he was white) and now I am sorry that I used his help.

Haha he just jumped up to help a chic that is wearing clothing skimpier than I am used to seeing enter an airline (complete stereotype here – I am wondering if she is flying down to Mobay to take care of a client!) and a black guy took advantage of the open door to walk in and the guard has the most vex look on his face.

I love the security check that I went through here at Tinson Pen…”What flight are you on, how many bags ok we will call you when the plane is ready” Ah if all flights could be like that traveling would be so pleasant again – wait what am I saying if all flights were like this half of America and Europe would be in rubble. Come on Tinson Pen you could at least pat me down or something or make walk through an x-ray machine, something.

Damn a new chic just walked in wearing a white merino and looking damn cute with some huge chesticles I guess the guy giving me the dutty look must be her man, I guess I might have been staring – I really should go back to writing my article it’s due as soon as I land in SD, but I am now drawn to staring at this young lady’s assets.
<An aside: Damn the Wray and Nephew 2006 calendar is smoking hot, I want a copy it was so amazing I had to take a pic of it with my cellie will post them when it no longer costs me $0.99 a minute to use my cell>
This dude with the girl is huge, no way could I take him, I really should stop staring – eh it’s a compliment to his girl. Has anyone ever gotten their ass kicked by a jealous boyfriend in a prop plane? It’s a lose lose situation for me, should I by some miracle win the fight she would just be mad that I beat up her bf plus I would be sore from the fight.

Cot damn I need to start sleeping more – this is the stuff I blog when I haven’t slept and spent a night packing. How the hell in the middle of the airport are blossoms falling on me?

Flying in on that prop plane and actually getting to see us approach the runway through the same window that the pilot sees it, is making me re-examine my desire to obtain a pilots license.

So I got to the Mobay airport and the lady who beckoned me over to search was persuaded by me that because I had neatly packed my suitcase well that she should not open it. Some say that I flirt again I just say that I just have conversations. So far this trip has gone smoothly.

I just weighed what I purchased I now have more than 20lbs of alcohol and my arm is killing me, what made me think I would care to drag this around airports. (Once I found out there was no limit to how much liquer and wine you could take up I went a little silly with the purchases, on the plus side I have more to give away Cali-clause might be late this year but he is here)

Wow first time in 5 years that I have not gotten searched upon entering America, usually listing the food items causes me to be searched, I definitely expected it this time since I have so much food and drink even brought up bottles of Ting. Plus a stewardess that I was having ‘conversations’ with in Mobay told me that the Charlotte customs peeps are harsh, If I had known I would slide I might have brought more up…wait what am I thinking I cant lift anymore, I have a full back-pack, carrying 2 full suits and 3 full size bottles of alcohol and another 14 reduced size bottles as well as other things I do not care to mention on the net.
Just realized that I have a lighter in my carry on – guess the plane is going up in flames and I will be arrested on landing!

If u have been with me since the start of the blog I wanted a Wray and Nephew calendar, well the Lord loves me, I picked up 3 in the airport talk about a last minute stroke of luck, Assassin you will get one have no fear.

I love turbulence it just feels like it makes the plane come alive – yet I can’t ride roller coasters I should seek professional help.

Wow they are playing the Debbie Gibson “Shake your love” on the plane, I guess this is a strategy that if any terrorists are on the plane they will shoot themselves rather than sit through this songs video. Oh man I am about to make an ass of myself they just put on the NKOTB video for “hanging tough” I cant resist I have to mimic the dance…”everybody always talking about whose on top” Cracks me up that Donnie was the sexy bad boy type in the vid chics are swooning over him.

And the trip just all went to HELL…We cannot fly into San Diego because the airport is closed due to fog. We now have to fly to LAX and we are uncertain how we are getting to SD.

The pilot has just said that there will be busses to SD from LA. So now after traveling for 15 hours I am going to get on a bus…some of the passengers are assholes, they are bitching at the airline like US Airways had anything to do with the fog: It is the right decision to not land, if we try to land in zero visibility and crash then everyone is going to be a lot sorer.

I love the fact that the first words from the pilot were “Uh Ladies and Gentlemen we cannot fly into San Diego, the airport is closed to us…” then a pause during that pause everyone gasped and then started to worry that the airport had been bombed or something.

I commend US Airways on making what could have been a hellish process easy…thanks JT and Da Roomie (Dub C) for picking me up and taking me straight to a bar, I loved it.

Thanks to anyone that was able to sit through this post


Dr. D. said...

I enjoyed reading your thoughts here Cali J.

Yes, airports are my number one spot for people surfing. And yeah, the lasses with assets always make good food for thought ;-)

Good seh you reach back safe.

Ashish said...

NKOTB?! Debbie Gibson?! Aaron I'm having flashbacks to the 80's party that one fraternity threw back in Austin. Trust you didnt bring back any Keystone light (aka Sorority girl panty remover) with you from the Island. :-)

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.