The affluenza teen can feel me on this: I have a serious first world problem here; I need to get some rest so that I can go to my decent paying job, BUT the season premiere of the Bachelor is queued up on my DVR…what is a bro to do? I am clearly pulling my full macho card tonight too, because I just went and watched the Hunger Games finale – in a theater populated by a couple eating the loudest candy ever. I mean candy so loud that my friend had to grab my hand and hold me back because I was about to reach over 2 rows of seats snatch their candy and throw it as far as I could. I am fine with eating in a theater but how about you time it during the 100 bloody explosions in the movie and not when the characters are whispering to each other.
On to the show with the Bachelor that has been coined the Perfect
Ten Ben oh you just know they loved that his name worked. The ‘this season on’ shows me that they are going to repeat a tonne of their tropes; picnic in a field; trip to a baseball stadium; wine tasting (or something similar); and, my favorite TONNES AND TONNES OF TEARS. Hmm I recognize one of the girls on this show, will not say who (yet) but I am now cracking up, Southern California living you gotta love it!
Ben does the blah blah, “I am just a small town guy from Warsaw, Indiana” while quietly admitting that he no longer lives there. He is the head of the homecoming parade and the announcer of the football game says “this is the bachelor from the TV…show…the…Bachelor?” You can just hear the announcer questioning where his life went wrong as he reads the paper someone just handed to him.
Ben’s parents talk to him about his statement on his season that he is ‘unlovable’ Ben’s mom talks about the 32 years she has spent with the man that she loves and I was really hoping they would flash a line like “they have been married for 36”
Ben meets with peeps he calls “3 of America’s favorite Bachelors” which I think is code for “3 of the Bachelors who answered the producers’ calls” Jason, Sean and Chris. But no one really cares about this part GET TO THE GIRLS and all the forced puns…
The flight attendant wants to “land Ben’s heart” she sounded so bad saying it I wonder how many takes she got. I think one of the girls said she broke up with her boyfriend because of what she saw on TV…I do not want to rewind to confirm. We get to the black girl early; but she is the military hard ass? Wait what? Are we going to play the angry black girl stereotype via the ‘I can destroy you’ route?
We get a dentist who claims to be weird and thus we get the forced dental appointment clip, she will not date a guy with gingivitis, I have never wanted a dental disease before. On to the twins, this gimmick is already overdone and they have only been on my screen for 15 seconds.
Again I will never ask a woman her age, but some of these women are straight up LYING about their ages or they need a new skin regimen or they need to cut down on the partying (or all 3).
The Flight attendant is the first out of the limo and she gives Ben a wings pin and says she is “ready for them to take off”. A girl gets out and I cannot tell if she is black, mixed or just really, really, really tanned. I note that one of the girls that is labelled as an attorney, just passed the bar…good for her, and why bother to look for a real job? Jubilee (the black girl) steps out, she is the one who E texted me to say “I thought she said Hi I am Jiggly” now that I see her dress, or lack thereof I can appreciate that line so much more. A good half of these girls have that breathy, throaty voice that I associate with party girls. Shushanna decides to not speak to Ben at all in English (does she speak English?) and exclusively speaks Russian, to the point that he cannot even properly learn her name and thinks that it is Shawna. A girl comes out in a unicorn mask, the gimmicks keep going, from footballs hiked to him, to mini bouquets thrown to him, Ben treats it all with a smile. The girl wearing a flower hat says “maybe if things go well tonight, you can pollinate it.”
Sigh, it is time for the twins, somewhere there better be 2 parents realizing they failed twice! 2 girls are wearing the same dress and they are not the twins. The only acceptable times women should be objectified as twins are in the Coors Light commercials (where I really hope for the sake of thinking that young Cali J was not a misogynist it was done tongue in cheek). Another girl shows up with a mini horse and then an anti-gluten fanatic shows up with a basket of bread and breaks it all up on the cobblestone as a protest. Now is a good time to point out that less than 2% of the population is actually gluten intolerant. TWO PERCENT- more peeps are alcohol intolerant than that and we do not make as big a deal about booze as the anti-gluten bandwagoners do. *the alcohol stat is just assumed by me based on observing my friends.
The next girl shows up in PJs because she wants to see if Ben “is the onesie for me” if you cringed when reading that, imagine me seeing and hearing it.
The dentist pulls Ben aside first and immediately insists that she gives him a dental exam, she came fully prop-loaded. One of the girls plays charades with Ben to let him know where she is from and what she does. As Ben is meeting the girls he says, “it is going to get crazy”…blatant foreshadowing, so we cut to outside and Becca (was/is? the virgin from San Diego) and Amber (both from Chris’ show) step out of a limo together. The girls all seem to view Becca as the bigger threat.
A girl named Lace is getting rip roaring drunk yes, Lace is her real name (as claimed on the show). She is very ‘hands on’ she had pecked Ben when she first came out of the limo and now aggressively wants a second kiss but another girl interrupts her/rescues Ben. But, Ben comes back and seeks her out to assure her that he cares…still no kiss.
Obvious Man Chris Harrison, OMCH drops off the first impression rose on the coffee table and some of the girls start freaking out. As Ben picks the rose up and walks off with it more of the girls freak out and some become sad.
Lace’s drunken sadness starts to escalate since she did not get the first impression rose and again we see in the upcoming clips for the episode a girl saying “50 Shades of crazy” it is an overused line ever since that movie came out, but…it still fits.
Ben takes a few deep breaths and we begin, but if you look at the clock you will know that there is too much time left for this to just be a straight ‘hand out roses and say good night’ type of ceremony. Amber claims that meeting Ben she “already feels something with him.” At the rose ceremony Shushanna accepts her rose with a “Da” I know the producers must have edited out her actual interaction with Ben or just blatantly told him to pick her because otherwise…am I really supposed to just believe in the language of love?
Lace gets the final rose and is ecstatic at this point, that cannot continue. OMCH tells the rejects to get a stepping. A redhead girl that gets rejected expresses the probable fear of most peeps that are redheaded “maybe he isn’t into red heads, some people aren’t.” Post rose ceremony Lace pulls Ben aside to tell him that she was not happy that he did not look her in the eyes; some people just do not know how to take a win…”50 shades of crazy” makes its official debut.
Wow the coming up this season on the bachelorette is a good 4 plus minutes. The black girl appears early in the season on clips…but wait what is this…she is there later? This is new. Maybe I spoke too soon…damn
The blooper reel has OMCH talking to the mini horse.
I am going to check out Bachelor Live (the after show), but obviously not live, I love myself too much for that.