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Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The Bachelor episode 2 Recap or I learn the proper name of a hair clip.

The promo for tonight shows Ice Cube and Kevin Hart showing up for tonight’s moment of promotional synergy, this is the new normal…

Lace gets named in the first date card and has to tell us that she is “not a crazy girl at all” aww girl if you have to say that in every clip we see, I hates to tell you!

The group date has the girls going back to school and I criminally think, most of these girls are probably going to spend the most time they have ever spent on the school grounds in one day today. Lace and the black girl are teamed together, the black girl (okay okay I will try to learn her name but it is kind of how they tell you to not become attached to things you know will not be around for long…) claims that she will be the brawn, have I told you yet in this blog that she used to be in the military? SHE USED TO BE IN THE MILITARY and that Lace will be the brains “hopefully the brains” they try to high five, it does not go well. Jubilee (told you I would learn it) tells us that Lace may not be able to read because she could not read the instructions for making their foaming volcano. Jubilee has quickly learned that Lace is not the brains of any operation.

The next challenge is simple and foolish, transfer an apple without using your hands, the next has the girls looking at a pile of shapes and an empty map of the U.S. and having to figure out which one shape belongs on the map (it is a shape of Indiana) I would have failed this, but I am not American, I barely look at the map now and I never had to study it. Actually I take that back, looking at the shapes I know that I would have picked Indiana but I am not sure that I would have placed it correctly…I do not do fly over states…yeah yeah I said it.

The next challenge is shooting a free throw. Now while my free throw accuracy is barely better than Shaq’s these girls couldn’t hit the side of a barn from 5 paces. Now…the team with the next darkest girl (remember Jubilee is gone) wins the basketball game, I am not saying…I am just saying. The team members then have to compete against each other to see which one of them will win so it is Mandy vs Amber and they have to run and jump over some mini hurdles to see who will be ‘homecoming queen.’ So uhmmm the lighter skinned girl won…wait what? Let me watch that again, nope Mandy definitely won and by a lot…Amber is that really just a tan?

It is the evening portion of the date: Lace already has ‘crazy eyes’ as they sit down at the couch, was she drinking in the van? Becca is the first to pull Ben aside, she is as pretty as I remember but she is just NOT my type, there is something about her that I know I could not date; I think I do not trust her.
Ben kisses Jennifer during their one on one and she immediately comes back and tells the other girls. Lace gets even angrier, my coworker and I have been discussing how quickly men label women crazy, she hates it, I hate it too…we both agree Lace is crazy!

Back to the house: Caila gets the one on one date card, and it is at this moment that I realize that she looks like she is 12.

Back to the group date: Lace steals Ben away from another girl’s time with him. Lace apologizes to him for the night before and is happy that Ben is looking her in the eyes. Lace claims that they are “eye f^#$ing” and about to kiss but then Jubilee interrupts, I don’t know if you know this but she was in the military so she is used to risky situations but that is not a risk I would take!

Jubilee was born in Haiti, girl you Caribbean? I like you more, and I don’t want to because well, see above. Jubilee was in an orphanage for a while before she was adopted...that story got her a kiss, a pretty good one too. Lace says Jubilee stole her time with Ben and accuses her of sucking face. Lace calls all the girls bitches and walks off to go talk to Ben again so she breaks into another girl’s time. Lace comes back and the girls are clearly aggravated with her but she puts an invisible wall up complete with hand gestures. Ben comes and picks up Jojo for a special view of the city they share a kiss and she tells us that she has 100% developed feelings for Ben…this is night two…she earns the date’s rose.

Caila’s one on one date will be a ‘Ride Along’ (2) with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube - Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) lets us know that the date will be a ‘Ride Along’…

Ice Cube is trying to counsel Ben on how to do the date right, condoms and Hennessey are the suggestions but Ben is afraid to follow them. The date ends at a hot tub store because of course we have to get a girl in a bikini it has already been 2 episodes of this show we have been slacking here!
Caila brings up that Ben said he was unlovable last season…he played it so well by saying that! We get our first private concert and continue the trend of obscure artist or artist not currently a hit and Bachelor/ette claiming that they are their favorite artist - tonight it is Amos Lee.

The Group Date:
Has the girls going to a love lab, because Ben wants to see if science can help him find love: the way they look at him is tested, the way they smell to him is also tested which requires the girls to run on a treadmill and then be smelled by Ben – this is a ‘real’ facility. The final study has each girl go into a back room with Ben and their body heat is measured and shown to the others watching via infrared cameras. Sam scores in the 2s out of 10 and Olivia scores 7.4, the highest score for what it’s worth.

In the evening portion:
Olivia gets the first time with Ben and they finally get the kiss she has been craving. When Olivia comes back to the girls she asks them where they plan to take Ben for their one on ones but when they ask her the same she tells them she cannot tell them and walks off. Amanda decides that she has to tell Ben about her kids. He reacts well, just once I would like to see a guy or gal react badly (yes I know it would suck for the person telling the story but man would it be a fun moment) it would probably get edited out. Olivia wins the date rose and she is starting to come across really cockily.

Cocktail party time:
All the girls are scrambling for time with Ben and Olivia she of the secure rose position steals time from the other girls with Ben...that is a good way to make sure the others hate you! Olivia walks back to the girls and goes “Now I am done, now everybody can have at it” while waving her hand dismissively. Lace pulls her aside and has her most sane moment of the show while calling out Olivia.
Lace then walks up to Ben and immediately again tells him that she is not crazy…aww girl this is getting sad. When she finally gets interrupted by another girl she goes off to cry. Ben does some sweet things for some of the girls, giving away a Participation ribbon, making rose barrettes with Amanda for her daughters. Amber lets us know that she is very nervous, you should be girl, you lost a foot race, badly!

Rose Ceremony:
Lace continues to cry in her confessional and look nervous on the dais. Hey girl hey, Jubilee gets a rose BUT we knew from last week’s this season on that she had to have gotten one…Lace gets a rose while the show uses LB to narrate throughout the ceremony, it is a clear moment of foreshadowing since I do not think we have seen more than 2 minutes of this LB girl until she suddenly is getting all this shine. LB REJECTS a rose, here is my thing with this – why do you wait until the ceremony? Are you just trying to have a moment? Are you really not making all the decisions until you see the rose appear? Amber is getting more and more nervous and we are down to one rose so here comes OMCH. Amber gets the final rose and Sam gets screwed by ‘science’. I hate myself a little bit more…I will be back next week.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.