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Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Bachelor recap or...“Jubilee thinks she is queen bee”

One of my friends has accused me of being like these guys:

Before I even got to the show (West coast living) I saw that it was trending on twitter…hopefully it is a good one…I firmly expect Obvious Man Chris Harrison OMCH to tell us that it is the most exciting/dramatic/intense episode ever.

Oh what is this? In the upcoming scenes we see Lace telling us that “I am not a bad person” has she switched from “I am not crazy” to “I am not bad”?

Some of the girls gossiping tell us that Olivia says she has spent $40,000 on clothes; is this lifetime? Is this in the last year? Since she has started earning income? For the show? I really want to know.

Jubilee tells us that if she gets the one on one date it will be the happiest moment of her life. Did I tell you she is a soldier? This would be the happiest moment? Hmm

Lauren B gets the one on one:

She is a flight attendant but is nervous about getting into a biplane with Ben, a reasonable fear. They share a few kisses as the plane goes along the coast line, they do a flyby of the mansion and the girls who were left behind stare with envy. They fly out to a remote location while Lauren B’s voice over tells us that she is not a fan of things she is not used to…she is on the Bachelor. They come upon a Jacuzzi brand (camera made sure to zoom in) hot tub in the middle of nowhere – because this is real life! Oh and of course they both have swimsuits available. Lots more kissing and no conversation of substance…so we cut back to the house and one of the girls Caila I think is breaking down into tears because of the situation she is in; please remember this is just Episode 3!

Dinner time for the one on one:

I hate that I notice this but, Lauren B is a lot more dressed up than Ben. She is wearing a lace dress and he decided to wear his fanciest V neck sweater. Back to the house, Rachel is really hoping she gets a date card and I notice the chyron shows her as ‘Unemployed’ that probably makes her one of the most honest persons in the house since I doubt many of the jobs they list, but that is just me. Back to the boring date where Lauren pretends that she didn’t know what she meant when she said she would love to meet Ben’s parents.

Tonight’s musical act that no one knows is Lucy Angel and Ben has to force the words “I am listening to the words of this song about a girl changing me and I am thinking about how this girl could change me” or something very close…Ben you are a trooper for following that script.

Group date:

The girls will be playing football with Alex Morgan and Kelly O’Hara from the US Women’s National team – the girls pretend to know who they are. I swear I do, but that is only because I love the sport, I cannot believe that the girls knew Kelly O’Hara!

Flash back to the house and now Jubilee is also crying that she is falling for Ben and is worried that he will not like her type.

OMCH shows up to tell the girls they will be divided into teams with the winning team getting to remain on the date with Ben.

Lace is the goal keeper for Team Stripes, she tells us after Team Stars has scored that she didn’t know she could use her hands…I think someone needs to fire the coach! Emily is the goalie for Stars and she is actually pretty good I am sure her twin is not very happy about this. Ben tells us that the women are “playing so aggressively” (because he couldn’t say they are playing “well”). Rachel gets injured but elects to stay in and Olivia tells us that she is going to take advantage of it…she plays the mean girl so well. Amber scores the winning goal, trying to make up for last week’s athletic failures nah girl, we aint forgetting that you got smoked in that foot race!

The losing team has to return to the mansion and Shushanna literally picks up the injured Rachel and carries her in…damn girl, call me!

Evening portion Group Date:

Olivia takes Ben away first and takes him up to a hotel room and then waves from the balcony to the girls below. Olivia talks to Ben and humble brags to him that the other girls do not like her because she is winning…it leads to kissing. The girls down below start making fun of Olivia; her toes, her breath, her breasts - Jami starts to tell Olivia that the girls were picking her apart and Olivia starts to offer up body parts, “My calves?” “My cankles?” the girl finally tells her “your toes” but I really wish she hadn’t because I wanted to see how far this could have gone.

Back to the house – Jubilee gets the one on one date card and freaks out – Guess she was not the calm one on the battlefield, cause you know she is a War Veteran.

Lace calls the whole experience “really crazy”…aw girl, awareness! Amber goes in for the kill and gets her kiss and thanks Ben for it…it works she gets the rose and tells us this is the first time she has ever been safe at a rose ceremony, a fulfilled life is all about little victories. Olivia tells us that she knows that even though she didn’t get the rose she knows she is safe because to get up Ben had to use her leg to push off – so she is safe and I guess any couch that Ben ever sits on!

Jubilee one on one date time:

Jubilee is pointing out that Ben is late and the other girls are looking at her with shock. Jami does a good impression of Jubilee and it is then I notice something about Jami…

The Bachelor’s helicopter budget kicks in and a helicopter arrives for Jubilee and she tells us that she is afraid of heights she then asks out loud “Does anyone else want to go on my date?” This pisses the other girls off “That was really offensive.”  Because you know no one should ever, ever turn down these opportunities...or even joke about doing so I guess. They fly to the Cal-a-Vie health spa: Jubilee tries caviar and well let’s just say she reacted like the food was trying to climb its way out of her throat. Ben asks her if she is adventurous with food, she responds “I am adventurous but not with food.” Her favorite food is apparently hotdogs! I stared hard and rewound to see if this was a double entendre, sadly I do not think either of them is witty enough (basic juvenile humor as that would be) or smart enough to do that. Jubilee tells Ben that she was over-joyed to get the date card. Ben says there is something about her that he is attracted to: We then see Jubilee from behind as they walk to a table – I think I see it too Ben. Jubilee in competition tells Ben “I am not playing white boy” she is nervous as to how he is going to react to that statement and tells him so while they are in a hot tub since we have to get as many girls in bikinis as possible. He reacts with a  laugh and a kiss…she is in.

Evening portion:

Jubilee continues to be more nervous than a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs (couldn’t resist). Jubilee had previously told Ben that she couldn’t go back to Haiti to face her past and Ben of course thinks a first date is the best place to bring this back up. Basically “tell me about why you are an orphan” which is what Jubilee points out by saying “I am the only surviving person that I know of with my bloodline.” I guess Ben is trying to be sweet but damn son who does that? Would you meet Bruce Wayne and say “tell me about the night your parents died in the alley oh and thanks for inviting me on this first date, pass the calamari”?

In Bachelor tradition a horrible personal story is revealed and a rose is received, by now we all understand the parameters of this transaction.

The next morning girls are shocked that Jubilee is back and continue to misuse the word “literally.” They should meet some of my coworkers “literally”, literally feels like their favorite word.

Cocktail Party time:

Amber now that she has a rose feels safe in critiquing more. Ben starts the cocktail party off with telling the girls that he received a phone call from back home letting him know that 2 peeps his family was close to have died in a plane crash. He continues the trend from the night before of adding dampers to fun events. As he finishes telling the girls about his family’s pain Olivia takes him aside to tell Ben that she knows that some people make fun of her appearance and her cankles she says “blogs have been written about them.” The look Ben gave her was as close to a “bitch please” as a gentleman’s expression can get. Olivia pro tip, when someone is going through emotional trauma the thing they care least about is a hot girl talking about her ‘flaws’.

Some of the girls ask Jubilee what she is thinking about and she says “ways to make him feel better” even this angers the girls some more. Jubilee takes Ben aside to give him a massage to make him “feel better” the other girls spot this and go nuts “She already has a rose” etc. etc. Jubilee seems genuine in her intentions here – before you read that and think Cali J is a sucker and fell for a reality show trick I mean just for this brief instant and in the context of the show. Yes I know she knows that doing this helps her standing but it still is not ‘the worst thing’ as the girls make it seem.

Jami “Jubilee thinks she is queen bee” Gucci Mane please answer for Jubilee:

Amber thinks the girls need to talk to Jubilee and appoints herself as the one to talk to her and bring her to the rest of the group. Amber girl WHYYYYYYY? Amber  cannot convince Jubes (I do like that they call her that) to come to the group so she goes back and tells the group that they now have to go to her which of course makes the group think that she actually summoned them – not true but of course Jubes is not there to tell them herself. Jubes on her way to go upstairs to cry says “I don’t know what you guys think you are doing but it aint cute” I love that. Amber keeps playing the victim, I do not get it…then goes to talk to Jubes and Ben while Ben is comforting Jubes. Amber then calls Jubes out for what she said as she left for her date “Anyone else want my date” Jubes points out to Amber that it was a joke, both Jubes and Ben know it was a joke but Amber keeps insisting that it was insulting.

If that last paragraph left your head spinning then I think you probably just got a quick picture into the mind of Amber because I cannot imagine her brain has linear thoughts.

Ben sinks into a couch and says “no more drama” as soon as that is heard, here comes Lace to pull him aside to talk. Through the tears Lace says “going home might just be easier…Like my tattoo says you cannot love someone else until you truly love yourself” WHEN YOU QUOTE YOUR OWN TATTOO IT IS NOT A REASONABLE SOURCE OF INFORMATION! Lace eliminates herself, does that mean the latest cheque from the producers didn’t clear? I am also going to guess that this is why the show was trending on Twitter. Anyone else really, really, REALLY wondering where on her body that quote is?

OMCH walks in to say “heavy night in here” this is why he owns the moniker OMCH!

Rose ceremony time: and we hear a lot from Olivia expressing her confidence that she is getting a rose, she starts to get less and less confident and says “I am going to stick with the saving the best for last concept.” She turns out to be right but not before having to sweat it all the way out. Shushanna is let go and while I liked her, the whole I do not speak English at the start gimmick probably hurt her. Jami gets booted…that might be because you snitched to Olivia girl, the code of the streets remains true! Jami tells us repeatedly that she does not trust humans and she is now going to start adopting cats…too soon!

Olivia continues to try to read into non-verbal cues “I feel really really strongly about my connection with Ben we kind of have this unspoken thing…when I got that last rose he just squeezed my waist a little bit and to me that was him saying that he cannot give me everything all the time but he knows that I can handle that…it is just the little things he gives me to let me know we are on the same wavelength.” Yeah you might be on the same wavelength but you are in Cuckoo land and he is in America. Olivia says “he is my man at this point.” I love these girls.


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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.