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Saturday, August 27, 2016

Bachelorertte Finale or, Ignore everything your family says.

My DVR rejected this show, it claims that there were too many conflicting shows on at the same time but…only one other show was recorded at the same time and the DVR can record 4 shows at once…I think it chose to avoid 3 hours of this show. Weirdly even catching up with it on the ABC app was difficult, the app restarted 2xs and kept freezing, maybe my tech is trying to save me from myself?
Jojo (J) tells us that when she is with each guy she is thinking about the other. 

Jordan meets the family first and brings them all hats, J’s mom calls him very likeable but she is worried that he is a playboy. Jordan calls J his best friend? Word son, this fast – I bet your real best friend is at home like “Asshole.” The mom asks him to tell her that he will never break J’s heart, he promises her. Mom, is worried that J and Jordan (screw it I miss calling him Aaron Rodgers’ Little Bro so here we go again ARLB) are too much alike.
ARLB now has to talk to the dad, he gives well-rehearsed answers: he prepped for it like a competition, as he should. J has told ARLB that he must get her dad’s permission for her hand in marriage…he does not ask, even though J is confident that he did. 

Robbie’s turn on the lukewarm seat:
Immediately he is asked what he sees about J that he likes, I really wanted him to respond “boobs” instead he gives a gentlemanly answer. The mom calls him gentle and soft “a gentlemanly demeanor.” J’s brothers tell her they see no red flags with Robbie. The mom tells Robbie she does not want to see her daughter have a broken heart anymore. She wants to know that Robbie is willing to commit and to propose! 

Robbie unlike ARLB does ask for permission (oh you poor deluded fool, you do not stand a chance) and receives it. Now that I have finally paid attention and noticed that J’s dad’s name is Joe I see that J’s name is the feminization of her dad’s name, just took me two seasons to spot it.
J tells us that Robbie is perfect and everything her family wants for her, “but I don’t know” that is the answer of a girl who just cannot say out loud “I just want to keep banging ARLB.”  

The family is doing a post-game analysis and it is clear that the family prefers Robbie. The mom and dad outright tell J she should pick Robbie, her brother tells her that Robbie is committed to her. They let J know that Robbie asked for her hand in marriage. Then she is shocked to find out that ARLB did not ask for her hand in marriage, to the point that she gets mad at her mom. She is clearly finding ways to protect ARLB and her brother calls her out for it. J starts crying because she is the only one in her family that wants ARLB and everyone else in the family is clearly Team Robbie. 

First One on One:
Is with Robbie, even the show is setting him up, no matter what he does, ARLB gets to go after and steal his thunder. Robbie describes to her what he thinks their life will be, Food cooking in oven, kids in background, them nestling on the couch, dog by their side, then the food burning because they are on the couch lost in convo so they have to drink their sauvignon blanc with take out pizza and the kids being happier because they didn’t want the meatloaf anyway…I kid you not the kid mapped this all out on the show – methinks he came prepared.
In the evening portion he sets up candles for them to snuggle to and he tells J that he is ready to spend his life with her. J appears to regret that she cannot spend the night with him. 

One on One with ARLB:
Further proof that the show has picked its favorite, Robbie got a beach day with J, ARLB? Well he gets a date on a boat and a private cove with kayaks….sure those dates are equal! ARLB even says “when was the last time we were on a boat, was it our first date?” J calls ARLB out for not asking her Dad for her hand in marriage he spins it as, ‘He was not comfortable asking them for her hand in marriage when he knew they still had to meet Robbie.’ If that sounds dumb to you, know that it worked with J. ARLB continues and tells her he is not sure he will get down on one knee in a few days to ask her to marry him, and J tells us that she is torn. 

So for a quick recap one guy tells her he is ready and fully committed, the other tells her he is not sure and she is pulling for the guy who tells her he is not sure, and do not forget, her family does not trust the guy who is unsure. This ladies is why some guys treat you so badly, not because all men are dogs, but because some men think stupid moments like this on TV translate to how all people should be treated…it is not. 

Evening portion:
J wants ARLB to clarify his views on marrying her. He now tells her that he told everyone in her family that he wanted to marry her. J says she is devastated that ARLB did not ask her dad for her hand in marriage, she says she always wanted that moment, way too old fashioned girl. “I know that you want to be with me and I know that you do not want to lose me” J to ARLB she is finding every excuse for this kid! 

Neil Lane and his face:
Show up for the seasonal presentation of the rings. Robbie looks like he is going to cry when he has the ring presented to him to pretend that he was selecting it. ARLB calls J’s parents to obtain their blessing from afar (as if we didn’t know this was coming), the mom takes over the convo and gives the blessing…I think they have resigned themselves to her choice even before her choice is made.
J’s voice over is telling us that she has made up her mind then we see her picking up letters from both of the guys, this is new and feels like it was designed to give ARLB the chance to tell her that he asked her parents for permission, smooth move producers. 

Time to cut the fat:
Robbie arrives with a beaming smile, oh son, don’t walk to that beach! J tells him that he “looks so good.” Robbie starts to give her the spiel, I am in love, my family loves you, love from fairy tales, makes me weak in the knees, I will love and care for you forever, I have not noticed that the sun is still blazing high in the sky so I am clearly here too early to be the one who has been chosen. J at least stops him from getting down on one knee “because I cannot take that moment from you.” “I woke up this morning wanting it to be you” look it is fine to pick someone else, if you do not love someone you should not be forced to pretend, but at least just cut them without letting them know that the other guy is so much better that you had to try to force yourself to like them. “You do not get how badly I wanted it to be you.” – then why is it not him? While crying, Robbie takes it pretty well, he says he wants what is best for her, and wishes her “good luck, don’t settle.”
J says Robbie deserved to know that she loved him and that her heart is broken because he deserved to know it. Robbie is acting so smooth I think he is angling for the position of the bachelor, more power to him, try to cash those cheques! 

And now the anti-climax:
ARLB tells us that J changed him, and she is the one he wants to spend his life with. Blah, blah I love you, you love me, and great lighting, the sun is setting and ARLB is down on one knee. Again Robbie you I am sure internally had to tell yourself that they were for once letting the winner come in early but the producer in me knows that no way do they give away the bonus of the setting sun framing a ‘loving couple.’ Guess time to call him Jordan again “Jordan will you accept this rose?” He of course accepts it.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.