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Sunday, August 28, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise or Josh vs Nick episode however many...

We start with the cast giving Sara a slow clap for getting Chad to leave which is ironic...(is it just me?)

Chad: "F#$k you Chris Harrison. On a scale from one to F off, F$%k off" Chad in the bus home says "now I can never be the bachelor...what am I going to do?" Chad is turning into the Rick James (from Chapelle Show) of this franchise "I don't need this show/what am I going to do next?" "I shouldn't have drank that first night" followed by pouring a stiff drink, scarfs some meat "I need my meat taste" "Damn it do you know how many people I gotta kill?"

Leah arrives and a twin says "it's that lying bitch" Leah tells us that "Lace and I have become friends" cut to Lace "Here comes Leah, this is awkward, her and I don't like each other."  Leah has a date card and requests Chad, to awkward silence. They say "Chad is gone" "Okay, should I go and find him?" hahah poor girl.

The girls are talking about Leah behind her back and then pull Nick aside to flirt just before Leah takes him away for a date.
Leah says the date was great. Nick then gets his own date card hours late and Leah assumes he is going to take her, but instead he asks Amanda.
As Amanda is getting ready Leah comes in and starts to compare herself to Amanda and starts saying "Stop trying to be me Amanda" after saying they have all of the same makeup.

Amanda says "like, this is like, the best first date like I have ever been on" I know I critique the use of "like" alot and I think it was definitely her season I noticed it on the most "like it is like, every like word."

Carly is telling us that she would like Evan to be more aggressive and manly because for now she is making all of the moves, and she wants to know what kissing him is like. They finally kiss and Evan is romanticizing it and Carly on the other hand is calling it a terrible kiss, she doesn't understand how he has 2 kids with kissing skills like that.

Lace has quickly moved on from the Chad Bear to making out with Grant. Lace is telling us that she is going to make Grant want to give her the rose, then covers a bedroom camera; the the words "You have to get on top" then the words 'zipper sounds' then sex sounds, then the show cuts to crabs on top of each other then Lace's moaning then Lace "saying can you imagine if they show" just as she realizes the camera she thought was covered isn't and she points directly at it with shock.

Rose Ceremony/Cocktail party:

2 girls are going home so the girls are scrambling to get face time with the guys. Sarah pulls Vinny aside to try to smooth talk him and they make out, this time is interrupted by Izzy who smooth talks Vinny and...they make out.

Leah finds out from Nick that he is leaning towards Amanda, so she goes off to find Dan. And they are making the onion layers analogy, Dan says "so you are going to make me cry" she responds, "No I am the onion so you wouldn't cry, I would cry" this causes her to pause and look like her brain is trying to reboot, Dan then says "so you are like an Orange just one layer" he is probably closer to the truth.

Roses are being given out and because Vinny gives his rose to Izzy it is down to Sarah, Leah and Jubes with Daniel picking, he says "Sarah, these guys saved the best for last" thus Jubes and Leah have to leave. Jubes is disappointed that she picked Jared when she now realizes that he is someone that would go for the identical twins. Leah just starts cursing and crying in her car ride home "I just feel like a fool, again...I'm so sick of crying, I just want to be happy."

It's a new day and Josh Andi's former fiancee shows up. The girls all start staring at him with thirst.

He uses his date card to take Amanda out on a date, and the show puts them on a might recall that Nick and Josh competed for Andi...seems like the show wants to stir the drama a bit. Josh says that Andi's 'Tell all book' about him is a fictional story. Nick says that some of the parts in the book about him are true so he suspects the parts about Josh are also true. Josh and Amanda make out, on their romantic boat trip - shocking.

Carly "Evan does give me erectile dysfunction, it is so sad" she also says that her brothers told her to stop dating effeminate guys...nice to see that Carly is still as mean spirited as ever, it works for this show. Of course the show gives Evan a date card and so he asks Carly on a date she hesitates then says yes. The date ends up with a a surprise OMCH and a bunch of random spectators are there they have to consume a habanero each and this kiss for a minimum 90 seconds to break the Guiness World record for 'Longest Hottest kiss'

Carly "Why do I always get the fu$%ed up date?" they set the record and then Carly says she needs to go throw up, she makes sure to tell us "Just for the record I threw up not just from the kiss" she is so mean!

Emily one of the twins tells us that she has big boobs is pretty and this is not her first rodeo so she gives us a voice over telling us the tricks of the trade to get a kiss, it was funny to watch it play out even if she had to force the issue.

Amanda and Josh come back from their date and Josh is rubbing it in his face that he has now gotten Amanda...Jared showing more spunk than I ever thought "Josh is taking the title of Mr. Steal your girl." The group is nothing that it is Josh vs Nick part 2.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.