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Saturday, August 27, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise returns and someone poops their pants

I am breaking out the Bachelor in Paradise Saturday morning watch while I work.

This is the barest of synopsis type recap
We start with the returning cast, Nick is actually looking good this season, I can now see why ladies seem to love him, kid dedicated himself to the gym (probably doesn't have a real job to distract him) and it shows.
Daniel is still as funny as ever, even compares himself to Herpes.
Nice to see Jubes back but the twins are still doing their forced twin talk thing.
As Evan shows up Jubes initially refers to him as the penis guy, both her and Amanda say that he looks better in person, I figured he had to.

Daniel tells us that he is a wolf and the current girls are just washed up street dogs.
Izzy shows up, if you said "Who?" don't worry so did the cast. She and Daniel start chatting and their convo goes to Evan and penises and shockingly it gets awkward.

Lace is back and immediately telling us that she is not crazy...

Jubes continues to wait for her secret hope guy it turns out to be Jared and Jubes starts to giggle like a school girl oh Jubes, he is very pretty but gurrrl you can do better.

The show hypes the arrival of the Chad Bear with menacing music and sound effects. "Daniel and Chad are definitely the first couple to hit it off in paradise." Dan tells Chad that he has higher standards than Chad.

Evan pretends to be the crocodile hunter examining Chad's bag for protein while the show cuts to Chad saying "where is my protein?" while shaking a wicker closet that is disguising a mini fridge. He finally gets into the fridge and starts going savage on some cold cuts.

Jubes gets the first date card "Choose the man you want to hit it off with" she is afraid Jared might say no to her date invitation..

Lace is already fighting with Grant in her "get drunk and ramble" way.

She then goes over to Chad and says she wants to see the soft side of Chad, which he says is boring. The group wonders if that dynamic could be explosive Vinny "Mexico is known for their hurricanes...we have tropical storm Chad and we have tropical Storm Lace...and then boom."

Chad and Lace are "kiss fighting, they are fighting with their faces" I think that was the Haley twin.
They are in the hot tub defiling it and at one point Daniel is giving it a running commentary while standing on the edge. Lace and Chad exit the hot tub but for a strong portion of the make out and exit her bikini bottom has to be blurred. Chad in his confessionals admits that Lace is the dominant force.

We cut to Jubes and Jared on their date and Jubes is gushing about him and then the Lord of the Rings, as they are talking a clown surprises them and Jubes loses her mind screaming I cannot blame her.

Izzy tells us that she is vibing with Vinny but he wont kiss her so she goes in for it herself.

Lace and Chad have gone from play fighting to actually fighting Carly calls them "the shortest couple in History" the rest of the cast is observing the train wreck with fascination. Lace says "he is mean, I am disappointed in him."

Dan is telling Chad that peeps are scared of him and Nick admits that Dan might be smarter than they all previously  thought and is right about his labels of Chad, that would be 'Hitler and Mussolini.'
Chad speaking of Sarah says "f@%k that one arm bitch" to which Dan says "enough is enough." Going into Paradise America seemed to love Chad, and in fairness we probably enabled him by letting him think that his arrogance on the Bachelorette should be rewarded. He says to Dan "let's get murdered, lets get murdered are being so 'unmurdery' you are unmurdered." Dan tries to help him and Chad starts to swing at him Dan lets us know "I will punch a friend if I have to, I have done it before and I will do it again" shortly after telling Chad "I will take you down, I will take you down to Chinatown."

Chad passes out by the pool and starts snoring so aggressively that I wonder if the show piped in sound.

The next morning Chad wakes up "where the ___ is my underwear...why am I naked?"  Vinny says that apparently Chad pooped his pants during the night. He goes to rejoin the group in the morning acting as if nothing happened. He says "the only person that should be offended is Army McArmison." There is a house meeting with Obvious Man Chris Harrison OMCH asking what happened and telling Chad that he might be in trouble he asks "Is this the time to glib" and Chad responds "This is not the time to be glib, I don't know what that means." OMCH says Chad told the staff at the hotel "that they could all suck a dick." OMCH "I am sorry, I am going to have to ask you to leave" Chad's face right after those words is priceless "wow are you serious? Are YOU SERIOUS?" He then accuses Lace of engineering the exit.

Chad tries to appeal but to no avail, he smashes his sunglasses on the way out and starts to curse at the many crabs around the resort. "You sit in your robe and drink mimosas from a hundred miles away and you are going to try to make me look like a douche." Hey guess Chad thinks the same about OMCH as we all do.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.