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Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The Bachelorette is back and she is an attorney (former attorney?) (pretend attorney?) oh well she is Andi

So the Bachelorette is back tonight and Armani and I headed to E’s to watch it...I have become that thing I fear a person having a Bachelorette party. We are drinking wine, eating chips and consuming Brownie Brittle what has happened to me? We discuss the fact that the ads/write ups for this season are not promising. The show starts on a somber note, a dedication to the guy who died shortly after filming. Then we get B reel that was similar to last year’s with Andi in a real courtroom with a fake setting. We all notice that there is a witness allegedly testifying TO AN EMPTY court, as in not only are there no people in the courtroom to follow proceedings, there is NO opposing counsel...could they not have afforded one more extra?

We see Andi quitting her job, she does not expressly say this, but she is clearly quitting since she is cleaning out her office. Andi does her bachelor photo shoot with fake law books in the background. Armani brings up a great point “Who has law books anymore…” and I respond with “Or at least that many”.

Andi’s sis is there to help her prep for the first nightHat Shopping and she asks “How many guys are you going to kiss?” E yells “all of them” Why do you need a pep talk to go into the first night? At this point shouldn’t you have figured this out, at least before quitting the job and before flying cross country. She and her sister spend a lot of time picking out a gold dress and agreeing on it as the one, it looks great – this is NOT the dress she wears.

The guys start arriving
E does a terrible thing - She pauses it and asks “How many black guys?” I hedge and say “I want an over/under of 1.5” Armani takes “1”.

A guy gets out and E and I both yell “A farmer!??!”

JJ steps out and his listed job is “Pantsapreneur” Gumby
Armani was the one to spot it, his words “hey can you rewind for a second I want to see what this idiot's job is”...he was right to request it.
Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

A black guy steps out and E yells ONE, I then say “Crap I am very worried, this is too soon for the first one” my over/under is not looking good.
Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

The personal trainer meat head has the douchey hair cut, pushes the limo and has his collar popped on a suit...I kid you not. In fact, if you look at the gif when he finishes pushing the limo, he re pops the collar to make sure.
Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

An attorney steps out and poses “may I approach the bachelorette?” then tries attorney humor and I hang my head in shame. Armani “If it is one thing I promise, that guy is not gonna get picked”
Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

A guy steps out of the limo with a football and I immediately think he is playing on the JP was a douche to Andi let me prove I am better thing and I turn out to be right.
Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

“Anal with an M” is how a guy describes his name - E thinks he looks like a dad (she has daddy issues).
 Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

And then Armani and I both let out a groan that is reminiscent of watching Lebron kill the Spurs in game 7...a black guy walks out and E starts yelling “I WIN, I WIN” I refuse to yield that quickly, I am pretty sure this guy is half and thus my 1.5 will endure.
Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

The guy the show is dedicated to finally steps out and E yells “DEAD”  thus I refuse to get emotionally invested in him.
Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

Sooooo we think quite a few of these guys might be gay. With this show becoming more and more of a launching pad to club promoting and other reality programming (probably always was but I recently started watching (sigh it has already been a couple years - I hate myself)) I would not be surprised if gay men came on for a moment of fame with no care for the bachelorette. 

A guy leads with “My mom absolutely loves you”...Andi notes that he is my type but there is a reason why I am single and still here so maybe my type is going to change, and then they immediately cut to Andi with one of the black guys (Marquel). E immediately points out the contrast and maybe, just maybe this is the change! He takes her to a cookie tasting (weird but she seems to like it).Cookies 1

So Eric is on screen talking about his global odyssey and that it will take 2 more years...and we sigh in the living room because “Sorry homie, you are never going to make it”

A former cast member (Chris B) appears on the show and we see him talking to security, ROSE
he is apparently trying to get on the show...they have to check in with Chris Hanson (apparently he runs the show, not the producers). He brought flowers for Andi but the security guard says he is going to take them to his wife (do it sir, do it - until the show airs your wife will not know that they are unofficial Bachelorette Roses).

Chris Hanson tells Andi, that Chris B. is here to see her, but he is clearly mocking Chris B as he tells Andi about him. Andi chooses not to add him to the cast. But Chris B keeps telling Chris H that he cannot leave without seeing her, he claims to have been there for 7 days waiting hoping to see her. E points out that they are playing super sad music. He initially claimed he would stay there till they allowed him to see her, that plan failed.

Andi talks to the farmer and pretends she knows and cares about farming, but all she describes is camping.

Nick V gets the first impression rose and he doesn’t know what he did to get it which jives with the 3 of us in the living room, because none of us know either.

The rose ceremony begins and E wonders out loud if Chris B is going to sneak in again with his own rose pinned to his jacket.

Both black guys get roses (well 1.5) and the non-black people in the living room start making a tonne of funny comments...I am too defeated to give them ‘Angry black guy’ stare - Mainly because I am laughing.

The douchey personal trainer gets a rose and we all groan. It seems all the long haired guys are getting cut (sorry couldn’t resist the pun). Thankfully the attorney is cut, I do not need people seeing him on this show and thinking that is all of us.

The previews for the upcoming episodes show Andi kissing alot of guys (guess her sis knew).
We also see scenes of Andi giving monologues and of male-tears - melodrama

 Gifs from
and (people much more technically gifted than I am). 

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.