We start with a live LA studio
audience…otherwise known as ABC’s attempt to stretch this show out longer and
longer. Long overdrawn shots of Des looking out over a harbor with her telling
us how broken she is over the Brooks departure and a lot of snot. Chris
Harrison plays show therapist (D’s words) and to be fair he does not do a great
job as a therapist, he just drops his voice and lets her cry then nudges her
back to the 2 guys that are still left.
Listening to Des with Chris Harrison you can be pretty
certain that Drew has no chance (Chris has very little hope for a long term love also since
Des says she wants to go home) because Des basically describes him like you
would about a runt of a litter.
Chris and Drew show up to see Des and Chris
Harrison points out to them the obvious…Brooks is not here. Des then leads with
“you might notice that Brooks is not here” the use of the obvious is rife on
this show. Des proceeds to break down infront of the guys while talking about
Brooks leaving…how can these guys see this and still propose? Des gives both
the option to not accept their roses, D thinks the guys should just peace out
now.
Chris says it is hard to see her cry, (D yells
“Brainwashed”) poor guy does not realize that Des is crying for another man. It
is late at night so I am using that as an excuse for skipping the live crowd
segments, but the truth is, I probably would not watch any of it anyway. I am
already shocked enough that people read my blog recaps, I do not think you want
to read my recap of other peoples recaps. I tried to stomach one of the
in-crowd segments but once I heard the phrase “team Chris” I was already tuning
out – we have over used the “team-X” phraseology.
Drew and Des take horses down to the water and
Des says she has “a lot riding on today” analogy much? Des in her confessionals
is basically saying “over it”. Drew makes a toast to “being madly in love” uh
oh! She cries her way through telling Drew that she is dumping him…while
holding his hand. My words with friends app freezes while this is happening and
it is still more dramatic than this breakup. Drew is so calm during this
breakup that I cannot help but think he secretly wanted it. Drew walks away
from their beach picnic and appears to walk for awhile to the minivan waiting
for him…did the minivan just wait there the whole time? Normally someone does
not leave the date so why was it there? How did Drew know where to walk? How
many times did they have to direct him to the spot? Or most realistic of all,
how long did they have to scramble to find a minivan and delay Drew so that
they could have the clichéd drive away…
Chris gets to go on another boat with Des. Des
sounds like she is trying to talk herself into Chris, they are so boring
together that they have made what looks like a good date look blah – though
much of this might have to do with the over exposition that occurs with Des’
confessionals. I think Aaron Sorkin may have written this episode of the
Bachelorette (yeah yeah I know ‘Reality’).
It is an hour in and no poems from Chris, I
think something is up! Chris brings up meeting Des’ parents she says that is
okay but the pause, oh it was pregnant. Chris gives Des a journal and she
reacts like she has found buried treasure, I react with revulsion because I
know, I just know poems are going to be in it…and I am right! I should have
gone to bed instead of watching this. I am pretty sure that Des whispers “I
want you to stay the night” or something similar, but I am so over this I am
not rewinding to confirm.
We come back from a commercial and Des is again
leaning on the railing overlooking the bay, I bet there is a worn out spot on
that rail. Des introduces Chris to her family, I perk up a bit because the bro
is there. Des’ bro asks Chris rational questions like is he concerned that she
might have a stronger connection with other people…is he psychic or did the
producers feed him knowledge? Des claims to be worried about what her brother
would/will ask Chris, if that were legit, he would not be there.
We get the pull aside, Chris and Des’ dad sit
uncomfortably close together on a patio, have to frame those shots. Chris asks
Des’ dad for his permission, quickly given. The family interrogation of Chris
is quickly over and I am ticked…not enough questions from the bro, I think they
sedated him.
Des and her bro have a ‘heart to heart’ he
approves of Chris, I am disappointed. The bro brings up Brooks and Des responds
like she is giving a TV interview, I much prefer the bro to Brooks, oh if only
we had, had the brother as the Bachelor and Des as the background fluff.
We get our seasonal appearance by Neil Lane, I
know he can make some good stuff but jeez he creeps me out when he tries to
fake sincerity. Chris picks a rock that is so huge I think he is having a hard
time picking it up. Chris keeps talking as if he thinks Drew is still there…was
Des told to not let him know he was the only one? Were the guys always
sequestered from each other…how does he not miss seeing him around the hotel?
Eh too many questions this blog.
Chris walks up to meet Des on the ‘fake’
proposal spot. I notice that Des’ earrings seem to match the ring Chris picked
out, these are the things you notice when bored. Chris is about to propose but
Des stops him, she has to unburden herself about Brooks first…again are you
sure you want to propose here man? Chris listens to her cry for another man and
still takes the knee (with the fake turn the ring directly to the camera which
is either added later or earlier to the footage). Des promises to call him
everyday…I am good without that promise (then again I am single). It is a bit
funny that the guy that faked a proposal in the first episode is the guy
dropping to his knee for a ‘real’ proposal at the end of the season. 
There is the after the final rose special…can I
make it through?
Brooks shows up, claims to be nervous. Des asks
what happened: and we get a quick reminder of how boring Brooks is. Brooks is
told that Des and Chris are engaged and he has more the look of a man who
dodged a bullet and less the look of a shocked man.
Drew is next on stage and the snore fest
continues. Drew says no regrets and claims he is no longer in love with Des. "Were you ever really bro?"
Chris is brought out next and does not seem to
be bothered by the fact that his girl was more in love with Brooks than she was
with him. Des is moving to Seattle she sounds ‘enthusiastic’. And of course Chris
breaks out another poem, this time framed with all the roses from the rose
ceremonies. Look dude we all know you got the girl and she likes cheesy poetry
but was it not enough you tortured us throughout the season…must you do this to
us again?
Juan Pablo is announced as the new
Bachelor…ladies are probably going to love this season
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