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Monday, August 12, 2013

Bachelorette recap - Antigua forget the Barbuda and forget the happily ever after!

[Editors note "Wow I am really far behind on posting this and the finale" I write them the night of but usually delay posting and I just forgot, so here is a bonus 2 posts in one hour type of thing]

This week we go to Antigua but first we are given a 'previously on the Bachelorette' that lasts 10 minutes and 53 seconds, thank god for DVR or I would have shot myself and the 2 persons watching it with me. And they would have accepted the sweet release.
Drew is first
So of course walking around they find a mini street carnival cause seriously the Eastern Caribbean just parties all the damn time. They sit down for a picnic and Drew shows us that he cannot peel a pineapple.
It is raining which ruins the dinner with the bonfire that Des claims she planned for them – can we stop pretending that the Bachelorette or Bachelor actually set these dates up. So we get to see them kissing under an umbrella beside a fire that is rapidly going out, then walking to the fantasy suite that was just STEPS AWAY. So yup fake make out session. Drew is offered the fantasy suite card despite the fact that they are already in the fantasy suite (because of rain). D and E are still convinced he is gay, he does not do a tonne to dispel that when he uses long speeches that seem forced.
Drew does a move I can respect he takes a bit of control and turns to the camera peeps and says “okay guys time to go…” the camera pans out and we here Des say “it’s hot in here” which I am assuming is code for “take your clothes off”.
Brookes is sort of up next…
I say sort of because we find Brookes going back home to talk to his family about Des. Brooks is admitting that he is not sure about his love for Des. He tells his mom and sister that the physicality is there…awkward.
Chris is actually up next
E points out that he is rocking the V-neck. We knew there had to be one in this episode. D thinks Des is not going to age well “She already has old woman face”. They take a helicopter over to Barbuda which is treated like it is subordinate to Antigua (which Des cannot pronounce properly by the way) I guess no one told the Bachelorette producers that they are a TWIN island Republic. There is some rolling around in the sand and kissing. They both claim to be feeling each other and this date is still boring.
We are all sitting here anticipating if Chris is going to break out a poem. Everything he does we think means poem moment. He says “here is the thing” and we expected a poem instead he tells her about Seattle, he touches the pockets of his pants and we exclaim “he is reaching for a poem.”. By the way they set up their mics right beside every bug in the island there is constant chirping throughout the meal. Des really says like a lot, like a whole lot, like she can turn a whole sentence into a like fest.
Chris is offered the fantasy suite and claims he wants it just to spend time with her and gaze at the stars. And you guessed it, I know you guessed it…he has a poem. It is as terrible as we knew it would be so we spend the time making jokes about how awesome it would be if Des’ brother just popped up out of nowhere.
Brooks is I guess up next…
He appears in a V-neck, there is a knocking at his villa door and it is Chris Harrison. Chris appears to be faking concern as Brooks tries to hype the drama. I am guessing Chris’ inner monologue is “don’t yawn, don’t yawn, nod your head”. Chris HarrisonChris finally cuts to the chase “are you not sure, or are you not in love with this woman?” I am thinking no guy turns down the fantasy suite when they have come this far…but then I raise the point that maybe Brooks already had sex with her. D raises another point maybe Des had sex only with Brooks “which is why he is over it and the other guys are still so sprung”.
Brooks’ hesitation with falling in love is actually the rational response after only 2 months but this is not great for the show or its premise. Chris Harrison really looks pissed that he has to work more than 2 minutes in this episode. He tells Brooks that he has to be the one to tell Des and I just know it is because he doesn’t want to have to exert the effort.
The producers are setting Des up sooooo hard; her pre date interview is all about how much she loves Brooks and would immediately accept his proposal and how great their date is going to be…uh oh. Brooks takes her to sit down and Des starts to get “oh no” face, her brain is starting to process it before the words escape Brooks’ lips. He takes forever to get to the point. He tells Des “please don’t cry” from my experience those are words that never work.
Des curls into a protective ball when she realizes what is happening. Des tells Brooks that she loves him and he then says “Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?” Is he hinting that if she had said it first he would have said it too? There really is a tonne of cheesy music this episode. Brooks looks bored and tired with pretending to care, he is holding the side of his head in his hands but it looks like the boredom pose not the ‘I am so stressed’ pose.
So a tonne of this is boring and drawn out so let me comment again here JAMAICA WE NEED TO GET the Bachelor/Bachelorette. The damn show makes every location look amazing we need the tourist dollars and we are so much better than all these other locations. Antigua and Barbuda is a backwater destination compared to us…let’s get on this. D brought up a point earlier that it would suck to be the guy picked and then see Des go on all the dates and all the kissing she did earlier in the season.
Then his point is immediately validated by Des claiming she only wanted to be with Brooks even when she went on other dates blah blah. So if she ends up picking Drew or Chris they are going to have to sit there and realize she NEVER EVEEEER wanted to be with them. Brooks and Des finally break apart and we get a shot of Des sitting on the pier bawling…again have fun with that whomever guy gets picked. E points out “At least he gets to leave in a limo.”
Des in her confessional basically admits to what I just typed above – she does not love the remaining 2 guys as much as they love her.

So quick recap,
Brooks dumps Des
2 guys are left that she does not love
The show squeezed 2-3 more hours out of this
Des continues her streak of having me stare at the screen and think "What the hell are you wearing?"

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.