The women tell all...but not really

The show starts with Sean and Chris going around to Bachelor viewing parties, I feel fine mocking these dorks all getting together to watch the show, then I remember that I sit on my couch texting funny quips to my friends and typing up snarky recaps…I hate myself, just one more week to go. Sean of course is 'forced' to take off his shirt.

 

The ‘fallen’ women are introduced and there are a few that I barely remember, makes sense they showed up for this reunion show otherwise how else will they get those club booking fees?

Des claims she didn’t know what to expect and I think she is either incredibly stupid or just stupidly lying.

 

“You gotta hide your crazy” I am stealing that from Selma.

 Brooke calls the girls out as being jealous of Tierra for taking more initiative. Oh Brooke I see what you are doing here, no one really remembers who you are other than "Hey the Bachelor added darker skin tones" so why not pick a crazy stance that will force people to do a double take at you.

 

Robyn looks better now than on the show, guess money and fame will do it.

We see Tierra putting on an obscene amount of perfume/body spray; What is the Axe for women? Is it Love Spell?

 Tierra comes out to silence; I love how serious the audience takes it.

Tierra starts talking and the women have “bitch please’ face as they listen to her.

I love Tierra, she is like a Batman villain, you know how no matter how many times the Joker gets captured he is unrepentant and continues his crime spree the minute he gets a chance? Well Tierra will always sparkle. Maybe all these women need to realize that Tierra is incapable of saying “good morning” it is not that she hates them it is that she does not see them...Tierra also tells us that maybe she was not all there, when the show was taping "I honestly can't tell you what, every day, happened in the house." – Did she treat it like a hostage situation and just try to blank it out?

 I need a screen grab of Tierra’s ‘stink eye face’.

 When will they get to that gaudy ass rock on Tierra’s finger?

Tierra starts to apologize and I am shocked SHOCKED until she adds the “for you guys thinking [that]”, I am a big fan of the deflection apology.

Tierra throws out that she won “Little Miss. Nevada” and now I realize this is what Honey Boo Boo might become.

Tierra initially hesitates to tell us when she got engaged then confesses that it was in January, hmm that time-line is very suspicious. I had no idea that there are rumors that the fiancé might be fake or the whole engagement staged, the latter I could see but a fully faked fiancé? Is she a former Notre Dame linebacker?

 

 I have to mentally prepare myself because coming up after the break is Sarah. We get to see a rundown of all the challenges Sean put her through; if he had made her compete in a clapping contest followed by chin ups it would not have been shocking after watching that montage. I forgot that when Sean gives her the boot we had to watch her zip up a suitcase, and it gives you quick insight into how easily we forget the value of 2 hands. I have heard a lot of people say that she should be the next Bachelorette and I say to you now…it would not be fun to watch, there would be way more sad moments than fun moments, but hey maybe that would finally convince me to stop watching.

 

It is Des’s (potential Bachelorette) turn in the hot seat but really don’t we all just wish her brother was there also or maybe instead of her? These girls all sound so desperate and like victims when you see their exits all in a row. Des has a chin cleft like a boxer. Trust me do not just google "Deiree's Chin" you have to be way more specific than that if you do not want to just see a parade of Asian girls self-portraits.

 

I think the most amazing thing about AshLee is that she did not turn into a stripper with that spelling and a marriage at 17. AshLee says she is no longer in love with Sean, and it is probably true, that kind of crazy burns fast. She takes a shot at frat boys; come on AshLee, you know you have been with a frat boy or 2 dozen.

 

Sean is brought out and we have to see him and AshLee awkwardly hug and pretend that there is chemistry.

 

That awkward moment when there is a he said she said about the fantasy suite.

 AshLee accuses Sean of telling her that he "had absolutely no feelings" "nothing" for the other women which he of course claims he did not say. Right at this moment my MS word program crashed, makes me wonder if the computer is trying to spare me from myself. Angry AshLee is hot AshLee, I would give her all the money in my wallet if she got pissed at me in a bar, I need counseling. Sean genuinely looks trapped and I think a few things

1.      Sean probably was dumb enough to say something that led AshLee to think the other girls were out of the running

2.      Sean was too dumb to come up with a better answer than "I wouldn’t say that"

3.      Sean was dumb enough to think that he could say something lovey dovey to that brand of crazy and not have it come back to haunt him

a.       She probably badgered it out of him since they "talked all night"

4.      Sean was dumb enough to forget that this is a girl who got married at 17 and likes to yell out random expressions of love

5.      Sean is DUMB

 

Des claims her brother likes Sean, if that is how he shows affection that guy is going to kill someone with affection.

Blooper reel time:

Seeing Chris Harris curse is funny to meShe takes a shot at frat. The girls get caught by all sorts of wild life, even nature hates this show.

As they do a quick montage of the season I wonder how empty the shelves of H&M and Forever 21 in LA become during Bachelor casting season. I wonder if rub and tugs violate Sean’s virginity code, because that is a lot of making out and close contact with a lot of women, especially for a man who already knows what sex feels like.

Ugh next week is 3 hours, and I know I will watch it

 

A doggy montage ends the show and thus I know that dog is dead, yup RIP Magic. 2004-2013.

Cannot shake this, Magic Johnson has had or 'had' (depending on source) HIV since the early 90s, I remember watching his press conference and being really sad because I thought he would be dead in a few years, the world needs whatever cocktail of drugs he used (okay, okay and his wealth to get them).

 

If like me you always assumed the 'tell all' show was heavily edited the LA Times is here with proof  http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/tv/showtracker/la-et-st-women-tell-all-behind-the-scenes-20130304,0,1406591.story Sadly so much of what was left on the cutting room floor seems much better than what we saw.