Bachelorette recap or was I really correct about Yosef last week, oh and did you know Clare is 39?

 Much of this show feels like the rap scene in ‘Teen Witch’ it’s so cringe but I cannot look away and if you do not immediately remember what scene I am talking about take the two minutes to bless your life - https://youtu.be/oxxBXpnn2Jw 

We start with way too much talking about the Dodgeball game and little action, feels like Clare knows she may have pushed some boundaries as she asks one of the generics if it was okay.

Yup I was correct about Yosef he makes a couple good points then adds in 20 misogynistic, stupid, insulting points and so you just immediately realize that his good points are accidental, not from a place of goodness. Yosef does not actually care that the dodgeball game was shameless and unnecessary; he cares that it might make HIM look bad. Yosef does not care that Clare might have bad methods but good intentions he cares that the bad methods do not improve his chances.

Yosef tries to gaslight but gaslights like Trump tries to be intellectual, he tells you he can do something, but then immediately shows you he cannot! Bro, we get it Clare is the oldest Bachelorette but saying “I expected more from the oldest Bachelorette” does not prove your point, it proves that you resort to trying to cut someone down rather than build them up.

Let’s just say what Clare did at the dodgeball game was the worst thing in Bachelorette history (it was not) the move is to help her though it, not attack her.

“You’re completely classless Clare” Yosef, that is not class, again see above he tries to act like he is prim, but he cannot be proper. Clare recycles the line she used with Juan Pablo that she would not want him to be the father of her child; which is fine because it seems like the show recycled Juan Pablo as Yosef …maybe single dads should not be on the show when Clare is involved.

Clare collapses into Dale’s arms for comfort…this show is over.

I kind of want SNL to take a shot at parodying this, but can they improve on the ridiculousness that is already here?

No shocker Clare cancels the cocktail party, she is mad at Yosef and in love with Dale, she doesn’t care about any of the other guys…time to stop pretending.

I am genuinely confused that these guys let Yosef leave and no one hit him with a “Try Jesus, not me ‘cause I throw hands” – Tobe Nwigwe

I had to switch to the BET Hip hop awards for a second because messing around with this show nearly caused me to burn my béchamel sauce. Mulatto just performed from Magic City…2020 is wild.

Back to the ratchet that is the Bach, it is ROSE CEREMONY TIME:

Dale gets the first rose and one of the guys looks shocked…maybe he has not been paying attention.

Did Eazy’s accent change in between his time with Clare and his ITM?

Some of the guys who got roses give interviews like they were let go “wish her the best” etc.

OMCH comes in to the guys the next morning to tell them to trust the process, because “light will shine on you” and tells them the process works; OMCH please tell me who the last 4 Bach/Ette’s are with? This process works like a lazy man’s diet, yeah they are on it but nothing comes of it.

Clare is acting like a school girl (this might be why the show is always harping on her age because they think you might forget based on how she acts; she is hanging out with DeAnna (Bachelorette Season 4) and Clare brings out Dale’s ripped pants and sniffs them!  I would never eat food from Clare’s house.

Clare finally meets up with the guys to tell them that the day date has been scratched “because it is getting late” and she wants to just have an extended cocktail party – this news leaves a lot of guys scared. Dale is feeling safe “honestly when I get quality time with her it’s a wrap.”

I think we should talk about the clear case of flooding that must have been obviously happening at La Quinta based on how many ankles I am seeing as these guys walk up for the group date. Clare is looking stunning in her Palm Dessert socialite outfit.

Dale takes control of the group and declares he wants to spend time with her first and pretends that he cares about what the other guys think “I do not want to be disrespectful” then forces the group into a group hug before he takes Clare off…she takes him to her private quarters.

“Why are you so perfect?” Clare says as they lie on her bed, and proceed to put hands all over each other.

Cut to the main house and Zach J gets the solo date

Back to the makeout session, cut to the guys on the date and apparently Dale and Clare have been gone “for an hour.” Guys start looking around for Clare and Eazy goes to Clare’s quarters and finds Dale and Clare there (he can hear them giggling as he waits outside the door) when Clare invites Eazy in, he finds Dale lounging in the living room like a ‘Lord of the Manor’ then Eazy has to awkwardly stand there as Dale and Clare clearly have this moment of “lovers  caught” it is so blatant and maybe it is because I am older and wiser now, but if I were Eazy I would have just left the room, that would have been easier.

Clare sends Eazy back to the main group while she says to a producer “can we like kind of hurry it along.”  We then see guys tripping over each other to try to get time with Clare and as they keep coming up to interrupt each other, it feels clear that the producers are sending them in. Dale interrupts another guy’s date and pretends that he just accidentally walked through the door that was clearly and obviously not a bathroom door. Dale stands there blatantly waiting for the other guy to leave while pretending that he does not know what to do. Finally one of the guys (Chasen) goes to interrupt Dale and Clare and Dale keeps his back to him and edges against the wall towards the door, which is usually the universal sign of hiding a stiffy.

Dale tries his pretense of  “I just went to the bathroom” and went through the wrong door “looking for everyone” Riley calls him out with “I can see the bathroom from here.”

Dale gets the group rose and this looks like we are close to a mutiny. Clare abruptly says “I am going to bed have a good night guys” that rapid move makes me think a personal massager is about to come into play.

Next morning Clare comes in raving about getting so much sleep “I’m a new woman” that massager must have worked wonders.

ONE ON ONE:

Zach J goes off on his date while Clare raves to us about Dale.

Yosef is probably somewhere yelling “I knew it”

The date is a Spa day, and Zach appears very uncomfortable. Zach tells us that “I am a very high strung guy” it is clear bro. Clare tells us that Zach J’s nervous energy is stressing her out, and she wishes “Dale was here.”

Cut back t o the house and there is a rumor that Clare and Dale had been in contact prior to the show.

Back to the date and I just watched one of the most awkward non-kisses I think I have ever seen on this show, that then led to me nervous for a second; Clare leans in to kiss Zach, then stops probably an inch from Zach’s lips (Clare claims Zach pulled away, I had to rewind to make sure that my eyes did not deceive me he definitely did not lean back, but then had to fast forward again because I cannot look at him grabbing her again and feel comfortable) and the kiss is not completed. Clare says “Zach just made me extremely uncomfortable” she is right to feel uncomfortable after the grab, but I definitely think she is wrong that he pulled away, but everything after that moment put Zach in a terrible light that he helped cast on himself. Uncharitable to think Clare was going to kiss Zach then suddenly realized she only wanted to kiss Dale? 

OMCH shows up to dinner in place of Clare and Zach’s face registers the shock. I do not think Clare could keep him after that moment in the pool,  I am torn on how to feel, I want to hope that his grabbing and holding of Clare was a man just seeking to recreate a moment because he was in shock, but the behavior was definitely worrying.

GROUP DATE:

Date card said “don’t take it personally” many of the guys express happiness that Dale is not on the date.

Margaret Cho is here to help the guys write roast jokes? The rest of guys from the house will be the audience which makes the date guys unhappy because it means Dale will be there. Bennett has some self awareness that he might be a target “for dressing ridiculously.” Bennett was right, Margaret Cho immediately goes after him, and the very next guy Ben, goes after him also.

Clare starts to worry that all the guys are going after Dale and is wondering if there is something she needs to know, you can see her face starting to fall as more and more guys attack Dale. Bennett goes in on Dale and the guys love it, right up to and through his literal mic drop! Clare immediately gets defensive about the actions of the guys toward Dale she whispers to the producers “That wasn’t funny.”

Evening portion:

Clare comes back to the guys and pretends that she enjoyed the roast; she first pulls Bennett to the side and starts questioning him about Dale. Bennett says he doesn’t want to spend more time on Dale but Clare keeps pushing the questions. In her ITM Clare says “It’s crazy how Dale was not even technically on this date today and this date was still about Dale and I” exasperated hands in the air, as if she is not the reason for the Dale conversations.

Clare questions every guy about what Dale has been saying and their feelings about Dale. I am surprised that during the date the show did not run a chyron saying “Clare 39 years old.” The guys on the group date are starting to wonder if they should even be on the show anymore. Bennett tries to be a voice of calm to the guys as they panic that Clare is only into Dale.
Clare grips the date rose in between both hands “I actually did not get what I needed from you guys” and tells them that she cannot give out the date rose. This leaves the guys feeling like they just wasted their time. Clare as she walks back with her producer says “I really don’t think I can sit there and go you dished on my FIANCE so hard.”

Preview for next week “What is Next?” and Tayshia rises from the water dripping like a juicy snack (that is what you want us to think right producers?)

The outtakes show Clare roasting the guys and looking like a hypocrite re their jokes about Dale.

 

 

The Bachelorette or as the previews make it seem "is a reverse mortgage right for Clare?"

 

I keep waiting to see Tom Selleck pop out and start talking to Clare because "a reverse mortgage is not something designed to take your home, but Clare this show has told me you are very old and running out of time…wait you are under 40? Someone get my agent!"

  The 'Previously on' does not make me think any more favorably of Clare's judgment.

Spa La Quinta continues to get its shine on. I know I have been spoiled because I have never lived in a cold region, but some of these guys are really speaking about this resort like it is heaven.

  OMCH comes in to remind the guys about all the steps they have taken to get to see Clare and says "obviously there is a lot going on in the world" I told you he will never lose his OMCH title.

  First Group date time and of course Dale is on it:

The Bach franchise is big on 'love languages' so this date has a Romeo and Juliet theme where Clare is in a faux window like Juliet and the guys look up at her like Romeo and doth protest their intentions.

  As some of the men hang out by the pool they see the guys on the group date running back to grab gifts for Clare and to also show us how broish the guys are. Of course right after I think that, the first gift that is presented is the queen piece from a chess set.

  The second is a baseball…bro?…then…from the last game he ever played…bruh?…you are an idiot, you kept that ball since 2012 and just give it away for this?

  The next love language is physical touch…so Clare puts on a blindfold and they 'do over the shirt stuff' Clare tells us that she is starving for touch…this 'test' is unfair to guys who are not extremely tall or extremely short because Dale for instance is the tallest one on the date so he is easy to distinguish and the shortest guy on the date will be easy to distinguish.

Clare does not even try to pretend that she is not horny, her voice even cracks as she points out "like a 12 year old pubescent boy." GET THAT WOMAN SOME FLUIDS SHE THIRSTY!

  In the evening portion of the group date the guys all hesitate to get time with Clare alone. Bennett finally goes first and immediately brings up Harvard. While on the date Clare asks "why didn't the guys step up…did you guys want to bro out?" So Clare decides she needs to talk to the guys as a group because she is confused as to why no one made a move to talk to her.

She tells the group that she was hurt by their hesitation, Yosef says he will speak for the group which is immediately shot down. So now of course that Clare has called the guys out many guys speak up to reassure her. Proving why the guys did not want Yosef to speak for them he says "You are crazy to think" that the guys are not here for Clare...immediately causing Clare's eyes to widen.

"If you speak a fact, it is still true"- 'wisdom of Yosef.'

  Date card arrives and Jason gets the first one on one and reacts with…mild.

Clare may be beginning to realize it, she seems to have a group of guys that just want to be on the Bachelorette, I am not sure they are here FOR the Bachelorette.

  Tom Selleck is stroking his moustache in anticipation as Clare says "I know I am not the youngest girl in the room" I am really terrible at learning the names of people on this show this early in the season one of the black men in his alone time with Clare simulates a prom date and it gets him a kiss. I found out his name is Riley when he won the group date rose to the angry stares of other group date peeps. Riley is a big fan of the size Smedium shirt.

  Jason before his date with Clare is given instructions to write a letter to his younger self…we get it Clare (but really the producers) you are older. MR. SELLECK SIT DOWN THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME.

Showing off just how huge La Quinta is Jason and Clare go off into the 'wilderness' for their date.

For cathartic release, I guess, Clare and Jason let off screams into the desert.

  Jason says "this is the scariest thing I have ever done in my entire life, IN MY ENTIRE LIFE" when told to write down things "that we have been told about ourselves in our lives that have hurt us"…"Lord grant me the strength to have the confidence of a mediocre white man" if this is the scariest thing, you have had a life of privilege.

  Clare for one of her things says "hard to love" and Jason responds with "can't love" for his…bro, read the room.

Moment of honesty, much of this was BOOOOOORRRRRING, it is too early in the season for me to care about this level of introspection (in general I probably will not care at any point in the season), this pop psychology is a tad bit too weird and not great TV.

Clare says "there is nothing that scares me" like we have not seen many clips of her saying "I am so scared."

Clare exhibits a bit of Pilot Pete in her when she says there is nothing sexier than a vulnerable man…If she starts demanding people cry to show their love I am going to think Peter pulled a Whoopi Goldberg Ghost move.

  Second group Date:

Date card says - "Looking for a man with some balls" Sigh, I cannot imagine how this goes if we reverse this and have the Bach be the one sending a date card like that and because I do not even think in such reductive terms I am struggling to think what the female interactive 'emasculation' would be.

There is a scene of Clare ineffectively pretending to dodge dodgeballs all thrown gently at her feet.

  But if you think the above "look for a man with some balls" was mild, the show knows what to do to make this even dumber.

  Clare announces before the game that it will now be strip dodgeball for the competing men, notice she is NOT in this game…as above I ask you to reverse this; IMAGINE A BACHELOR TELLING THE LADIES ON HIS SHOW THEY ARE PLAYING "STRIP ANY SPORT" I already cringe when Bach or ette do those faux artistic shoots or yoga healings or naked bungie jumping (again a Bachelorette created this) but this is too blatant.

  After the game the losing team (the Blue team) has to parade in front of Clare…I think this show might have been shut down if (because this was the final part of the stipulation) women were told after losing that they had to walk home 'naked' to their quarters.

  If you need further proof about how bad and producer driven this situation is, the naked guys have to first interact with the men remaining at the house then do ITMs trying to hide their privates by hand like Blake as he tells us he feels like he is losing.

  Blake decides that he needs to make a bold move so he goes and puts on some clothes and walks back in to try and steal some time with Clare, he asks the guy who is with Clare "can I steal her for just a second" and the guy who was with her (not pretending I know his name) reasonably says "didn't you lose?" Clare looks shocked at the question, and Blake looks like a struck puppy that someone would reasonably stop him from doing just what he wants.

  Blake wants to prove to Clare "that I have big balls" and this does not go over well with the other guys who surround him to confront him as he buries his face in his hands, Clare protects him by asking to have a minute more with him. As Clare hugs Blake goodbye he tries to go in for a kiss and gets the hand to the chest block of death, he immediately dies a little inside.

  Once Clare goes back to the winning group the first guy shoots himself in the foot when he admits that he only came on the show because he found her beautiful, "I am here to find love and I am here to find someone to start a family of my own" sure dude. In a night where Blake completely makes an ass of himself, Brandon somehow topped it by being unable to even lie about why he was on the show. How do you go on a dating show and not have something queued up better than her looks?

  Chasen wins the group date rose, and I only know his name because Clare said it to present the rose.

I am cocky enough to think that if you read this blog you are smart enough to understand the concept of correct message, wrong messenger, and how tone can affect the understanding of a statement…I now present to you Yosef: He is 100% correct that it was a bad look in what happened to the guys who had to get naked because of a dodgeball game, but so far his tone is not the best.

  Cocktail Party:

Clare pulls Brandon aside as the first guy to talk to (while she does this many of the men are assuming that she is going to send him home), she reassures him that what he did was something she liked, sigh, I want to root for this woman, but she sometimes reinforces some really bad behavior. Clare is such a fan of what Blake did that she preemptively gives him a rose. When Blake returns to the group of guys wearing his rose Eazy says what they are all thinking. "I just think from this moment on, moving forward no Rules of Engagement, we just go for it" this is what you created Clare!

  Clare finally gets to what she really wants…Dale. As Dale is talking Clare says "Can I kiss you for a little though" and grabs his head, she even gets Dale a gift – It is one of the blindfolds from earlier when they were working on 'love languages' and Clare blindfolds him so they "can work on more physical touch."

  'Bloopers'

We get a tour of Bennett's 'Chateau' and all his extra creature comforts…it is good to be rich.

 

Pandemic Bachelorette Episode 1

 

The Bachelorette returns, RETURNS…but is it singular?

 

The 'coming up on this season' features the thing that got me into this show (I still blame my friend E [promise you not the drug]) all the delicious crying. Sometimes I wonder if I am an emotional sadist when I delight so much in TV tears.

 

Having Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) try to explain to us how corona impacts our life features his harsh transition from depth to shallowness "as you can see I am not at the usual Bachelor mansion" earning that Obvious Man title off the bat – he will never lose that title.

 

We go to the pretense that Clare does not expect the call from OMCH as she has a whole camera crew in her bedroom with her while she talks to Chris via her (at the time) brand new iPhone. We get all the behind the scenes promo build.

 

We get to see Clare's struggles during the pandemic and something that made me pull back and cringe and I know would make my entire Jamaican family yell "that's nasty" Clare washes her dog IN THE KITCHEN SINK!

 

If you have ever stayed at La Quinta Resort & Club you will remember that it is HUGE, it is hard to explain the scope if you have never stayed there because you hear the words 'resort & club' but more accurately it should be described as 'La Quinta town' the thing is expansive, I am sure there were people staying there that had no idea the show took over a significant portion of the 'resort' because it is that large.

 

We get to see some of the steps that were done to get the guys through their quarantine periods to get to see Clare.

 

While OMCH and Clare have a sit down I work on my stretching exercises, then they get to the part where Clare has not watched the DVD that her dad left her while he was dying, 'to watch with the man she is going to marry'…I know it is sentimental and her dad's heart was probably in a good place but look at the emotional trauma it has wrought. I tell people when they ask me about wills and legacy gifts that it is not a good thing to leave the living with instructions as you leave this mortal coil.

 

Looking at the ages of many of these guys I am confused by the casting process for this 39 year old woman, so many feel like boys (and I am loathe pointing out her age after some of the preview material, but this is purely for objective purposes re casting). It is not impossible for a 39 year old to find love with a 20 year old but there is a stronger chance for them with a 30 year old or someone in their 40s, I do not think a single man on the show is older than Clare? Not counting OMCH…obviously.

 

The first guy out the limo is Ben at 29 and I already think that is pushing the lower bounds in age and I know he is not the youngest!

Riley is 30 "as an attorney it is my job to help the jury find the verdict and in your case you would be found guilty as charged for looking beautiful in this dress" sigh I hate when lawyers make me feel bad about my profession on this show…he clearly rehearsed the line and he was not smooth with it.

 

I am trying to decide if Clare is short or if these guys are giants, the show always tends to skew tall but this batch seems exceptionally tall.

Jason for his gimmick pretends to be pregnant as an "homage to" when Clare pretended to be pregnant in her first appearance on Juan Pablo's season.

 

The fashion of the day seems to be to cut the pants really flood water high, I am seeing a lot of ankles.

One guy rolls up in a loaded station wagon, followed by a guy rolling up in a rolls Royce (Bennett a wealth management consultant) wearing a scarf (in the La Quinta desert heat he has to be dying in that scarf).

 

As the intros continue the guys are sweating, nervous and awkward; one squeezes Clare's hands so hard that her rings dig into her finger.

 

Eazy jumps through a paper banner saying "your future husband" he is a sports marketing agent at 29 and initially I was going to frown on that name 'Eazy' but that is just a nickname since his real name is Uzoma.

Jay showed up in a straitjacket because 'he has gone crazy" waiting to meet her.

Immediately followed by Chasen 31in a suit of armor which he takes off because "I just shredded my armor for you."

 

Demar 29 shows up dragging a parachute because he has "fallen for you"

Ed 36 shows up in a bubble because "I heard your journey was taking place in a bubble."

 

Multiple people bring snacks.

 

After meeting Dale 31 'former pro football receiver' Clare gets emotional and tells the camera "I knew it…I definitely felt like I just met my husband" Clare you are too old and have been on this show too many times to be saying that off a single first impression and hug. I have to wonder if the "I knew it" came from her being home during the downtime because of Covid and her googling and researching the guys.

 

Seriously there must have been reports of expected flooding, these pants are flirting the line of being shorts.

 

The guys all jockey for time with Clare and then OMCH brings out the 'first impression rose' and many guys start to panic.

 

Tyler C. tells some of the guys and us that he knows some background information about Yosef - apparently he has been talking to women on the internet while he was waiting for Clare's season to resume. Tyler confronts Yosef about it and Yosef claims "I don't remember that." Yosef thanks Tyler for telling him about his suspicions, then Yosef immediately pulls Clare aside to try to head it off at the pass, but Clare decides she wants Tyler C there for the talk too. Tyler says that Yosef was sending out mass messages of "Hi, Good morning…beautiful" which immediately made me think about a friend of mine who does that. Clare asks Yosef if he has done what he is accused of and he immediately side steps claiming he would be smoother than that…"Do I have a girlfriend? No." Not really the question though but hey good look with that strategy. Clare decides she does not want to waste time figuring it out so she leaves them to figure it out themselves.

 

Clare pulls Blake aside to say that while he broke the shows rules of not messaging her and he was the "only man that did that" it meant the world to her "taking risks" he is rewarded with a kiss. Blake's chyron says 29 maybe it is his beard but he looks much older.

Dale gets the first impression rose and a kiss, but let us be honest, he was getting that rose from the parking lot when Clare started glowing.

 

OMCH comes in and Clare expresses concern that she did not get to meet all the guys before her decision is required…while the camera still shows us that clown wearing the straitjacket.

 

Rose ceremony time:

And it is the seasonal parade of "I do not recognize this guy" as the first roses are handed out. It is brightly streaming daylight as the ceremony is going on, while Demar is giving his "I hope I get this rose" ITM the sun is beaming down. You can tell that the rose ceremony went on for a long time because the shadows on the guys as they wait on the platforms start to shift. 

 

Straitjacket gets a rose and we do not see how he receives it but when he is back in line its pinned to the top of the jacket.

 

While the ceremony proceeds we get a tonne of Yosef ITMs telling us how guaranteed he and Clare are "Clare and I are Barbie and Ken" then as OMCH enters to say "gentlemen this is the final rose" thanks Chris, Yosef looks freaked out BUT…he gets the final rose. Tyler C does not get a rose and you can see the wheels turning in his head. One of the guys that is leaving is heavily tatted and you can tell not only because his hands are covered but because he has his shirt open practically to his belly button to show off a chest tat, he is also one of the many preparing for the floods.

 

Conspiracy theorist time, a lot of men of color have been kept this season…and I think it was for another reason than just Clare