Bachelor in Paradise or "was this the first kiss?"

 Things I think I know, I know I know:

-          Bachelor in Paradise is the most fun of all the Bachelor Franchise shows (not saying it is the best).

-          FBoy Island on HBO is designed to test the depth of our compassion.

-          The new premise of Bachelor should be "eh maybe at the end of this?"

-          My colleagues should not try to drink with me.

-          Monday drinking is a thing I missed

-          This will cause some heat with my Bach crew but pretty sure Ivan is an F-boy or at the very least he wants to be one…

I feel robbed, what happened to the theme song?

BIP starts off with Lil John narration and someone stating the mantra of the summer "vaxed waxed and ready to party…YEAH!" and then it is repeated by one of my Faves Tammy.

Serena P continues to be as sus as I claimed "I am known as the girl who sent the Bachelor home" mmhmm.

 Tahzjuan is back to overheat – I feel you girl.

She has also had a self-admitted glow up.

Victoria remains TOXIC and unable to pronounce simple words like Olympus calling it "OlympTUS." 

Mari says she is known for "having a big ass" funny I didn't notice.

 Kenny's profession is listed as 'Naked' and the show black boxes him as he arrives at the resort and walks around. But and forgive me if you are not the type to think too deeply about this...I suspect he is wearing a skimpy outfit, not least because we can hear him perfectly which means he is wearing a mic-pack somewhere...

Kelsey is 'Champagne girl' damn, so the reductiveness with Tehzjuan's name goes to others too.

Wells is the definition of white boy who is good looking enough that fans like him and just bland enough haters are neutralized, c.f. his conversation with Kelsey as he giggles that she has a laxative on her face because he cannot think of milk of magnesia having any other uses. Btw milk of magnesia has a decent concentration of magnesium hydroxide which helps with oily skin and can aid with providing a smooth texture to apply makeup.

 Here comes Jessenia and I am interested in seeing her fire ignite I am also wondering just how short she will be outside of heels.

 Grocery Store Joe "I believe in the process because it worked for me" as he prepares to go back in the process…

 

Our first guest host is David Spade:

David Spade has the air of a man who enjoys watching the show but thinks he might be too good to be on it.

The first person that he meets is Abigail, and she is star struck.

Joe is next and Abigail says "it is so nice to meet you in person" probably due to Joe having a Bachelor nation podcast and less due to say him sliding in some DM (but you never know).

Ivan rolls in and he is on the 'it is still a button down shirt if you keep 2 buttons on.'

Ivan and Joe both express that they want to see Serena P so of course she is next. Joe – "Don't come here people this is a love trap."

Kelsey comes in carrying a bottle of champagne hey did you guys know she is the Champagne Girl? Who then says "the champagne thing is funny, I am ready to move on" while bringing a bottle of champagne, that David Spade legit struggles to open. We go to commercial while Spade continues to struggle and I uncharitably think they brought in a PA to help start the cork. As soon as Kelsey walks away Spade throws away the champagne and I think it was cheap swill.

I wrote my impressions on Ivan up top before watching and so far he is not making me reconsider it "I am not worried, not too much competition here."

Then Brendan walks in and the girls start biting their lips, Serena P – "a major upgrade to paradise."

Kelsey "we have renamed you from Grocery store Joe to Gym Joe" Why" "because you dress like you are just coming from gym." Joe is not happy to hear this. Joe "very vulnerable right now, I don't like it."

 
Natasha is next and the girls love her she says her plan is "festive, flirty, fun and there is one more F that I am not going to say" all said in a disconcerting baby voice.

Tammy comes in and thinks that David Spade ("hi Dave") is Dave Chapelle – I love this girl…I could not be friends with her, but I love her for this franchise. 

Jessenia comes in, then Tre and the intros are starting to speed up with Tammy being a bit of the intro monster – she has a thing for Aaron so of course he comes in next.

Kenny enters and he is still 'naked' and David Spade (not Chapelle) makes a tonne of naked jokes and references to Tuna and Snakes etc – Natasha "you gotta admire art."

 Noah looks a lot older than on his season and he wants to meet Abigail, Noah is also wearing a pair of shorts that I own, hope that means good things for my sartorial choices.

 There is some timeline confusion here, Serena P made a big show of loaning Kenny her sarong to cover up but when Ivan takes her away from Joe she is clearly still wearing the sarong.

 As others arrive we get Joe breaking down in an ITM and you get the sense that this show is not for him and his gym outfit.

 Time for Victoria and Spade calls her the "corn queen" and Victoria tells him she is a goddess now…he can barely conceal his contempt.

As David Spade takes time to hang out with Wells more people start to arrive and Spade notes "I am going to get fired I am supposed to be greeting people." 

Mari comes in and she and Kenny become a quick pair. Mari tells Kenny she likes older guys when Kenny realizes she is only 25 to his 40 and he jokingly says "close." Mari claims to have dated a guy 15 years older than her, which leaves me slightly worried since she was 24 on Matt's season so unless (even if?) she broke up with her guy just before going on Matt's season she was much too young to be dating someone 15 years her senior.

Tahzjuan comes in and Tre is "interested immediately" intercepting her before Connor, Tahzjuan "I know Tre, because I dated his uncle." Tahz makes sure to tell Tre that she kissed his uncle.

 James comes down and the other guys are very happy to see him and the girls note "they are way too into each other."

 As Aaron says "time for more douchebags" we get the appearance of Karl you know I gotta say it "this show does not believe in subtlety."

Tahz is not a fan of Karl, Karl runs up to Noah and gives him a big hug, Noah tells us "I have no idea who Karl is." Karl is going with a super goofy persona, let's see if this will work.

 Tre is still an exposition monster. Deandra (who I cannot remember at all from Peter's season) tells us she does not want to go home. The guys are joking that the girls will have to work for the roses since there are 10 guys and 13 girls so 3 girls are going to have to go home. On the other hand the girls in their discussion group say they want to be courted.

 Natasha talks to Kenny, tells him she is 33 and guess what he says? "Close" Natasha then says she dated a guy that was 50, there is a trend here.

 Abigail gets the first date card:  She chooses Noah.

 

Victoria tells us about the 5 second rule "you have to smile at a guy for 5 seconds" and it will initiate the guy to come over but "that honestly sucked, my goddess energy didn't kick in" as no one comes over to talk to her.

On the date Abigail and Noah are getting to know each other and Abigail says that "she friend zones guys quickly."

 Connor B the cat guy spends time with Maurissa (who I do not recognize) and they both said they had a rule that they would not kiss anyone on the first day which of course leads to kissing – Maurissa says "Katie was wrong, Connor is definitely a good kisser" despite him still being a very head grabby kisser. 

 Tahz and Tre continue to have a neurosis filled moment. As Tahz tells Tre "I need someone who is going to go for it and knows what they want" Tre kisses her and it is labled a "10 out of 10 great kiss…I enjoyed kissing Tre more than his uncle." Tahz now has "Dated Tre's uncle" for her title.

 As Noah boasts that he got the "first kiss in paradise" we get a supercut of kisses in paradise and others saying "I think that was the first kiss in paradise." 

 Joe mopes around and intimates that he wants to leave, Wells (again a member of production even as the cast thinks he is a friend) tries to steer Joe to staying.

 Serena P goes to talk to Joe claiming that he gave her the "fiesta flutters" but I am too cynical to think that SP is not just doing this for the rose-numbers. SP keeps repeating "wow you are 35" when she finds out Joe's age, she is 23. SP calls out Joe for his flip flop and sock look on a beach. I just audibly said "oh man" when Joe and SP go for a kiss and Joe arrests it midway to rearrange the set up. But he then seals the deal. Really wish I could find a gif of that mini trainwreck.

 DAY 2:

Wells tells Spade that the first night had the most kisses for a first night ever on BIP and lays out who was involved…is Spade not watching the show he is 'hosting?'

 Kelsie and Victoria cannot pronounce chivalrous but they want chivalry, luckily you do not have to pronounce something to deserve it.

As we get people worrying about someone new walking in, the show keeps cutting to the stairs and just before commercial we get a voice saying "is that a person" while we are still shown empty stairs.

And because this show wants to make the women really hurt…Demi walks in "I am Demi but would there be anyone in there who doesn't know who I am? That's a joke." Demi feels like she is flirting with David Spade "Joe Dirt."