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Tuesday, January 03, 2017

Nick gets what he has tried season after season to get Episode one

So thanks to working too much and another DVR failing on me I lost out on much of Bachelor in Paradise so I had to give up on that. Let's see if I make it through this season of the Bachelor.

We blatantly get to see the recap that shows Nick so desperate to get on the show. Then we do the goofy thing where the previous Bachelors get to 'counsel' Nick. 

With the women we start with the black attorney that will probably be gone by week 6 max. Then on to the nail salon owner who if she has a personality he will keep for awhile. Next is a teacher who speaks 3 languages and works with special needs persons, hopefully she does not do something to lose her job. I start to zone and realize I cannot write about all the basics: So many of these girls claim to be business owners and one claims to run a multi-million dollar company while still having a nanny. Not a nanny for her kids, A NANNY FOR HER. One girl may have already slept with Nick thanks to being part of a Bachelor alum's wedding party.

Time to exit the limos:

So many gimmicks, including the girl from Alaska doing an Eskimo kiss while wearing a heavy coat, a girl runs up to pretend to be a 'runner-up.' Another girl comes out with Neil Lane bringing the engagement rings that usually show up at the end of the season. One girl tells him via a joke that she is not wearing underwear. Many peeps keep mentioning that sex is important. The wedding party girl steps out of the limo and definitely looks disappointed that Nick does not appear to remember that they had sex - Nick looks perplexed like his brain is trying to tell him something. So OMCH does some extra work and checks in to see if Nick knows her or not.

A girl tells Nick that she likes that he has balls and she does too, to which he clearly worries that the show has given him a mister not a sister, but she just meant piercings.  One girl forces him to "Lady and the Tramp" an uncooked weiner aka an uncooked hotdog, savages. More than half of the girls are wearing red dresses, including a girl that comes up riding a camel with "I hear you like a good hump." The girl that claims to love dolphins comes in wearing a shark outfit...not a dolphin! She says she too almost wore a red dress.

Nick is getting along well with the black attorney that I still fear does not make it past episode 6, then again Nick is media savvy enough to maybe keep her? There is the usual first episode foolishness of girls wondering if they should kiss the lead while others worry that they are not getting enough time with the lead but not aggressively going for it.

The 'Dolphin' girl gets told by Nick that she is in a shark outfit but she keeps insisting that she is a  dolphin. The black attorney gets the first impression rose this leads other girls to tears of fears.

First Rose Ceremony of the season:

If the girl from the wedding does not get a rose is she going to be crushed that her sexual prowess could not score her a rose? The 'dolphin' girl gets a rose and many an eye-roll ensues.
Sex at the wedding girl gets the final rose.

"My heart is gold but my 'vaginne' is platinum" an actual line from the 'coming up on this season' teaser reel.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.