Bachelor episode 4 or the return of a villain?

Okay I am going to try to be positive this episode:

OMCH corals the girls to ask them what they are thinking "Peter is serious about this…and I hope you guys feel the same way." But really OMCH is just there to tell the girls that they are going to start a journey around the world so "Peter is waiting for you in Cleveland. Ohio…" and that revelation gets the crickets it deserves from the girls. The Cleveland tourist board is NOT going to be happy with how the city was sold, so the Producers have Peter try to sell the city really hard in his ITM "Clark Kent was born here."

Victoria F gets the first date card:

Everyone thinks she is getting a sky diving type date some of the girls knowing the formula of this show asked "did you say that was one of your biggest fears?" Look if you ever get on this show and you want to do some adventure stuff, just list that as your fears.

Victoria F clearly got the memo to talk up Cleveland and tells us that it is "beautiful and new." Victoria F throws a fit in the car as it pulls up to an airport and she sees Peter standing by a plane, maybe if I didn't know that she makes terrible decisions I would feel some empathy for her, but she modeled for an animal rights campaign (white marlins) that thought it would be funny to use "white lives matter" as a slogan.

Peter flies them to an amusement park that is rented out for them, and they sit in the bungee ride and Victoria overcomes her fear, I guess the operator was white.

Peter is eager to "surprise Victoria with our own private Chase Rice concert." Problem is Victoria is freaking out because Chase Rice is her ex-boyfriend. Don't let that part confuse you in to thinking you already knew who Chase Rice was. 

So in the usual Bachelor fashion the daters are put on a platform to dance while surrounded by 'fans' while they dance and make out infront of an audience and the performer…Chase is staring down Victoria and Peter for every song. Peter tells us this is one of his favorite dates and he goes up to meet Chase and tells him that he is one of his biggest fans. Chase asks some leading questions that Peter doesn't realize are loaded "like how far along in the process are you? What are you guys doing next? Dating a bunch of girls?" That kind of thing, and of course Peter is answering truthfully not knowing the history. Victoria in an ITM says that Chase did not want her to come on the show. She and Chase have a moment alone and it is deliciously awkward. 

Before their dinner date Peter is saying things that are great because we have more background info than he does including "If we got married maybe Chase Rice would sing at our wedding."

At dinner Victoria tells Peter about her past: "So…uhmm Chase and I used to date and…" "Wait like the singer Chase, the guy that was in the concert?" "Yes" "No, Wait, WHAT?" "Yeah" "But I was talking to him after the concert…that's weird." 

Cut back to the hotel where the girls are waiting and Mykenna tells us that she needs a one on one date "more than anyone else here." The date card tells the girls "Let's tackle love together" for everyone but Kelsey, so Kelsey has the one on one date not Mykenna.

Back to the date and Victoria is off crying so Peter goes and looks for her and comforts her.

Group date:

Josh Cribbs and Hanford Dixon meet the ladies and Peter at a football stadium. The girls run through some drills.

As always the girls are going to have to compete for Peter. There is a football game to decide which side will stay with Peter for an after party and who will go back to the hotel.

Shiann, scores first (I will not make a racial joke, I will not make a racial joke about how white this show used to be and the minute some diversity gets on it there is domination, I will not make a racial joke). Hannah Ann gets rocked over and over again. Shiann scores the second touchdown by once again running past everyone…I will not make a racial joke. Shiann is the clear MVP, the next best player is Deandra on the other team, guess who also has a bit of melanin in her? If you said Deandra I clearly have not been subtle. So the game ends up tied and thus everyone goes to the evening portion.

Victoria P who didn't play at all during the game because she was 'injured' and thus got to spend plenty of time with Peter on the sidelines steals Peter first and of course the girls are not happy. Shiann next gets some more alone time with Peter and while she is doing that and the other girls are trying to figure out if they should go next Alayah (booted last week) comes back in and everyone's jaw drops. Alayah as is her move goes and interrupts Shiann and Peter. 

Quick aside, this is so blatantly producer driven since let's not forget they are in a different city from the one she was removed from the show, so unless she planted a tracker on Peter Alayah cannot arrive without help. 

Alayah gets her time with Peter and says that she and Victoria P have been friends for a long time, to which Peter responds in shock because Victoria had told Peter that the extent of her time with Alayah was approximately "3 hours." Alayah says she and Victoria had been planning trips to Vegas and long term plans. Peter goes to talk to Victoria and Victoria says that she and Alayah went to Vegas together "as a group" Victoria tries to play down the friendship while Alayah has played it up. 

One of the girls on the couch (I missed the name) says that Victoria has been faking how she acts to and around Alayah, blasting her in private once cameras are off, but "holding her hand at the rose ceremony." Victoria starts to look shaky when Peter brings her to talk to Alayah together (hugged her when she walked in) and keeps falling back on "I was speaking my truth at the moment" and "I don't know what else to say." Peter says "I am freaked out that Victoria is not exactly who I think she is, that terrifies me." "I am not deaf, I am hearing what Alayah is saying to Victoria in front of me."

Of course the girls who are stuck waiting as Peter paces trying to figure out what to do with Alayah are ticked. Peter asks Alayah if she wants to come back and she pretends to hesitate saying she will only do it if he promises her that they "can move past this." Peter takes Alayah back to the group of girls and tells them that he has to follow his heart and then gives Alayah the group rose and the girls on the date are all stone faced as one says "a girl that wasn't even on the date gets the date rose." Alayah "so its game time bitches."

Tammy puts it well "I am super frustrated with Alayah because drama has risen from the dead."

The next morning Alayah says "I have been a victim so many times and I am over that."

Kelsey meets Peter for their one on one date:

Peter immediately brings up that he brought back Alayah, Kelsey smartly pretends to be okay with it. As always seems to happen on the Bachelor they run into street musicians where people are just dancing in the street in a large group…IN CLEVELAND? That is not the Ohio I remember and I have been there a lot. They happen upon a soap box derby, and of course they are allowed to race…nothing suspicious at all!

Kelsey's requisite sob story is that she knew her parents were getting divorced before her mom did because she came home and found her dad's wedding ring on the counter.

Victoria F is mad that Alayah left the house got to get back in the outside world use her phone, see the internet and see that Victoria dated Chase Riceand told other girls. Victoria tells Alayah that she should have told her first – that part makes no sense since why would Alayah speak to Victoria about that? Victoria threatens Alayah that she is going to tell Peter about who she thinks she is and that Alayah will not like the outcome "You might think you are safe!" 

Sometimes you get a feeling like the Producers do not like a lead as much as the lead thinks they do, and I get that impression here with Peter as they let him ramble on with this: "Such an amazing date with Kelsey and I feel good about bringing Alayah back…I have 100% full confidence that I know what I'm doing with every decision moving forward. And hopefully the girls will be able to see that, I know this is going to work, so I feel good." 

Peter then enters the room for the cocktail party hour and tries to request time with Victoria P first only to have Deandra say "Can I say something real quick?" As Natasha says "Okay go ahead because I have something to say too." The ladies then start to justifiably rip Peter for ignoring them (this led to some great camera work) "I've never felt so under-recognized by somebody, and for us who went on the group date who bust our ass on the football field, amd literally have the physical bruises to show (Camera cuts to Mykenna's arm with a clear bruise as she nods her head in agreement) and then for you to come to the cocktail party and ignore half of us who didn’t get time and to walk in hand with Alayah, it was like the biggest slap in the face, I couldn't even look at you." Peter apologizes but then still takes Victoria P aside first who says "I don't really want to talk to you right now" "you don’t want to talk?" "No, let's just go" the cynic in me thinks that Victoria P (VP) is playing some of this up to make sure that Peter doesn't delve too deep in to whether he should trust her or not.

VP tells Peter that she is annoyed that he lets others know that he has asked her questions and divulges her answers then says he can ask Victoria Fuller (VF) about her interactions with Alayah, when Peter presses she says "it is not my story to tell ask her."

VF tells Peter that Alayah caused trouble for her in the house. 

Each subsequent girl rips Peter for spending so much of his time on Alayah instead of getting to know them.

Alayah starts her time with Peter saying that she feels great with him but once she is around the other girls she doesn't feel comfortable.

Peter in an ITM has to loosen his tie because he says it is too tight, and they keep that on camera, see above re Production.

We get the dreaded 'to be continued' and a preview of what I like – ugly crying.

The blooper reel shows VF killing Peter in shooting a basketball, you could convince me he has never even seen the sport.

Bachelor recap or Pillow fights and lies - they both hit you in the face!

Once again this show will be on in the background as I work through some stuff…then again the initial preview shows so many tears and I am such a fan of ugly crying I might enjoy this too much to work. Hannah Ann and Kelsey start the show off with crying the morning after the rose ceremony.

Victoria P has a solo date with Peter and they go off to a country bar. While they are badly dancing the mansion is being dominated by the champagne-gate between Kelsey and Hannah.

Back to the date with Victoria and Peter and they are having a date in a hangar as we lean heavily into the pilot theme. Victoria knows the Bachelor tropes and tells a sob story about her home life I didn't listen as well as I should have cause I was drafting a letter but it sounds like Peter told a story about praying that his wife is in the house and then a shooting star went across the sky…I don't know, what I do know is there is no way I am rewinding to confirm that junk.

Alayah is back at the house trying on a captain's hat and saying that she is ready for the pilot wife life and also that she can fake looks by being 2 faced, Sydney is not a fan of her.

Next morning in advance of the group date Demi is back (I know Bachelor nation loves her but I do not get it, I just see a woman with no job). The wakeup call for the ladies is Demi screaming on a bull horn and 2 ladies (Champagne and Killer) hitting the sleeping girls with pillows, Tammy is telling us in her ITM that they were confused by the flying pillows and feathers and as she is talking she is hit with a pillow, sometimes the Bach producers give us gems…Tammy's face was not having it.

Allegedly the date is in Demi's hands so the girls are giving lingerie/sleep wear and they are sitting in a bus with Peter completely confused. They end up at a saloon and it is a 'pillow fight club.'

Fred Willard and Chris Hanson are the announcers for the matches…Fred you cannot need money this bad. Tammy is up first with okay I confess I do not know who she fought, but Tammy you might remember made the 'boys' wrestling team at her high school so she beasted the poor girl she was up against.

Sarah C in her fight gets completely mollywopped giving us a great slow motion replay.

Alayah and Sydney are the final matchup and it includes hair pulling and wrestling and Alayah comes out the winner gaining a crown and a kiss from Peter while Sydney is death staring in the background.

Alayah is the first to pull Peter aside during the evening portion, she says she has a fear of abandonment and worries if she doesn't see Peter for days…Peter "Alayah has a fun energetic vibe about her."

Sydney and Alayah have a moment with Alayah initially asking Alayah "Do you work?" Sydney tells Alayah that all of her answers "seem rehearsed" and thinks she might just be a pageant girl, Alayah slowly starts to realize that Sydney is not just casually asking questions and becomes a big more guarded after initially gushing about holding many crowns.

Peter appears to be kissing every girl on their one on one including Tammy who tells him that she worries that he will think of her as just a bro to which Peter responds "are you kidding me? I don't do this with my bros" and kisses her.

Sydney in her time with Peter does a risky move and warns him that some girls might be faking their actions in front of him and this plays upon fears that Peter has expressed (he doesn't want to end up like the Bachelorette Hannah Brown). Peter does a shady move of then asking Sydney in front of all of the girls to call out anyone she thinks is fake, so Sydney though clearly uncomfortable has to call out Alayah who then asks if anyone else wants to call her fake. Of course none of the other girls are crazy enough to respond…You better be sure you are one of the top girls before you start to throw other girls under the bus.

Alayah starts arguing with Sydney after Peter leaves but then smartly goes to look for Peter solo. BUT wait, look at this, Sydney may actually be one of the top girls, because Peter gives her the group date rose for being willing to try and protect him.

In lieu of a cocktail party there will be a pool party.

The girls all seem to be looking forward to the pool party but Peter walks in and tells them he is a little down and not in the mood for a pool party because he is starting to have doubts. The cynic in me wonders if part of the pool party doubt is Peter wearing a sweatshirt…it looks chilly. Peter takes Sydney aside first

Alayah is telling Hannah (maybe) and another girl I think it is Mykenna (told you I can't learn all these names that quickly) that she thinks only Sydney has a problem with her because she has asked all the others and no one has told her they have a problem with her or that they think she is fake. Of course while Alayah is having her conversation with the '2 I do not know' we see Peter talking to multiple girls and they are all telling Peter that they think Alayah is fake.

Alayah pulls Sydney aside, it does not go as well for Alayah as she thought it would.

When Alayah meets up for a one on one time with Peter she feigns confusion as to why other girls would tell Peter that they find her fake.

Peter pulls someone aside I think it is Victoria (she was Ms. Louisiana and looks a lot like Demi) and asks for her thoughts on Alayah, she says that Alayah had asked her to not tell producers that they knew each other from the Miss USA circuit. The unknown girl also tells Peter that Alayah expressed intentions for other opportunities outside of the Bachelor.

This causes Peter to pull Alayah aside again, Alayah is talking a mile a minute and it does not look like she is seeing the danger signs. Peter as is his wont immediately tells Alaya what Victoria (I guess that has to be her name) said about her regarding the pageants and the producers.

Rose ceremony time – And it is going smoothly until the last 2 roses are on the table and then Peter walks off to talk to Chris leaving women stressed out on the platforms. Peter is telling Chris that he wants "to give it to her [a rose] so badly" but he is unsure, Chris asks "how much would you regret sending her home tonight?" Mykenna is crying "I would just hate for him to miss out on the opportunity to get to know me." OMCH (Chris) comes in and takes away one of the two roses and tells the assembled ladies that "this is now the final rose of the night." And the final rose of the night goes to Mykenna which means Alayah is going home! I guess she is going to have to find that 'Pilot wife life' somewhere else…

Bachelor Episode 2 or #Champagnegate

Working and watching the Bachelor, hope I do not lose too many brain cells.

We return to Hannah Brown and Peter crying in each other's arms. Hannah sits on Peter's lap and kisses his forehead. While they are doing this the girls on the group date are actively speculating and worrying that Hannah will join the show.

 

Peter finally pulls away saying "I cannot do this" then hugs Hannah back in. A podcast I listen to let me in on a dirty little (non) secret, Hannah was still filming 'Dancing with the Stars' at that time which meant there was no way ABC was going to let her damage one property to join another property while filming…this doesn't mean she will not reappear later, but she couldn't join the show at that moment.

 

Peter pulls the group date girls to talk to them and lets them know that he cannot continue the group date because he is not in the correct headspace after seeing Hannah. One of the black women calls out Peter for cutting the date short for Hannah (sadly I really do not know these ladies' names yet and thanks to working cannot pay enough attention, so I will have to use features until I catch up) she is not wrong. A bad move by the black woman is to continue to harp on the cancelled date behind Peter's back with the other women that is a strong way to have the others snitch on you and make you sound bad in the background.

 

Peter spends much of his time in the one on ones apologizing to the girls – Sydney gets the date rose (looked up from a spreadsheet just in time to see her name in my closed captions). Mykenna is supposed to be a certain age that I just cannot believe and she also occasionally speaks about herself in the third person, Cali-J is impressed by that.

 

One of the girls has had a bottle of champagne that she apparently kept on a counter at home for about a year waiting for a good moment (quick aside ALWAYS JUST DRINK YOUR CHAMPS celebrate life not moments) , so she has brought that special bottle to the mansion. She wants to take Peter aside but as she is approaching Peter, Mykenna takes Peter away. She decides she wants to confront Mykenna about this, as Mykenna tries to stick up for herself she gets cursed at by the girl whose name I still do not know. Stupidly the bottle of champagne was left outside by a fireplace in a bucket with a blanket so of course Peter is walking by with a different girl sees the champagne and he and the other girl (Hannah Ann apparently) shake the bottle up and pop it just as the champagne girl (I will eventually learn her name…I think) is talking to the other girls inside the house some of whom wisely ask her where/why she left her champagne unattended? Peter goes to look for her because Kelsey (told you I would) came by to look once  (well not immediately, initially she and other girls sat there thinking the pop could not have been THE bottle) she heard the pop and immediately started crying and walking off. Peter tries to talk to her but she Kelsey refuses to let him in the bathroom, so he walks back to hang with Hannah Ann since Kelsey didn’t want to talk to him. Kelsey then walks up and she starts screaming at Hannah Ann and accusing Hanna Ann of deliberately trying to steal her moment. Peter finally gets Kelsey to talk and of course they run into another bottle of champagne because this is the Bachelor house after all. So Peter and Kelsey pop the new bottle and because "Kelsey says she is "not a classy bitch" all the time they decide to drink from the bottle which cause the champagne to bubble up and squirt all over Kelsey's face embarrassing her some more. I know somehow the producers set this up (like guiding Peter and Hannah Ann towards the first bottle) but I still delighted in how well Kelsey fell into the trap and looked "like a hot mess and she needs to go home" said by (the Asian woman?) Seriously for the first few weeks these girls should never be on camera without their names superimposed for lazy viewers like me.

 

Rose Ceremony:

The Black girl who called Peter out at the group date is Natasha, she gets a rose, I happened to look up just as she was getting it, closed captions for the win!

There is an Alexa on this show, how do I know, because Peter said her name to give her a rose and my smart speaker just spoke back to him!

Of course there is last rose drama with Kelsey getting the last rose, as she is strategically placed side by side with Hannah Ann.

For the final toast the group offers to let Kelsey make the toast and she refuses claiming it would be better for her to keep her mouth shut, she looks tremendously petty and childish.

 

Group date time:

The girls get to meet Carson Kressley, Janice Dickinson and the owner of Revolve clothing. I have such a great Janice Dickinson story but I feel like the decency statute of limitations (on my part) has not completely expired so I can only tell that story in person.

The girls are going to have to pick out clothes and walk a runway, one of the girls (again I am still learning names) is having a breakdown about this task. Surprisingly Kelsey is the girl that comes to help her – Sober Kelsey > Drunk Kelsey.

Of course Mykenna is loving the opportunity to walk a runway.

Victoria F. is still freaking out and chugging wine to overcome nerves (see if I am looking up at the right time I learn the names…okay that is a lie, by next episode I will probably be back to saying 'one girl' 'X girl' blah blah.)

Hannah Ann wears a wedding dress out on to the run way as Victoria F continues to freak out.

Victoria finally walks out on to the runway and of course owns it!

Kelsey takes a bottle out to the runway and gives it to Peter with a "We will be drinking this later!"

Victoria F's second outfit is lingerie under a black trench and she pulls Peter to the runway for a kiss in front of the crowd and the shocked girls – "I was really scared to do lingerie but I am glad I did because it set me apart from the other girls. YES I am {expletive deleted} hot!" (Sure girl this is the first time you thought you were hot).

 

 

The final 2 girls are Hannah Ann and Victoria so they are in a final walk off! Victoria "Watch me {expletive deleted}win this bitch!" Easy now cocky tiger, Hannah Ann wins the walk off which leaves Victoria in tears, except say it with me HANNAH ANN IS A PROFESSIONAL MODEL, she was in her element, her win gets her everything from Revolve, 40 bags of clothes, the over practical packer in me immediately thinks "I hope the show is paying to send it home cause that is impossible to pack."

 

In the evening portion of the date Victoria is telling Peter she is not sure the show is worth her mental health.

 

Kelsey gets a special champagne date with Peter who says he has been chilling the bottle all day for them.

Hannah Ann decides to tell Peter that Kelsey is a bully, she claims that she was unable to sleep all of the night before because of the stress of it.

Peter gives Victoria the group rose and then immediately asks to speak to Kelsey on the side, Peter lets Kelsey know that Hannah says she is bullying her and that she has called her a "bitch" "fake" and a "princess." Kelsey says she is not bullying Hannah and that she has been bullied in the past so she would never bully "there is a difference between me saying not nice words to her face and bullying." Kelsey goes back to the other girls crying "apparently I am bullying some people" but refuses to take the suggestions of some of the others, "why don't you guys go and talk it out?" Will she last past the next rose ceremony…tune in next week.

Bachelor Peter Episode 1 or How Hannah B took over my show

If you have a fear of flying puns, this is not the episode for you.

 

This show wants me to handle three hours of it? Thank God for DVR.

 

Alexa is up first and she is an esthetician so the show makes sure to show her waxing and talking about waxing a vagina.

Next a model, then Tammy who fought her way on to the boys' wrestling team in highschool.

One girl (Kelley) from a family of lawyers has already met Peter.

For many of these girls the hook is that Peter would allow them to travel…

 

As the limo pulls up someone asks the default stupid question "Is this real life?"

 

A few of the girls struggle with the word 'literally' for instance "He looks like a doll, Peter is literally a doll!"

 

"But because I am a flight attendant, I have something different"…followed by a dozen more flight attendants…" I am here for the 'flight' reasons." Hate that I chuckled at that.

 

Peter looks a little embarrassed at all the forced puns he has to make.

Of course there are a tonne of gimmicks including a girl coming in on a mini airplane tricycle who thinks she has won the gimmick battle, only for a girl to be wheeled in in a suitcase!

 

A tonne of people bring up "4 times" the alleged amount of times he and Hannah had sex in the windmill.

 

"…you have to know about me, I have a very dry sense of humor, but that's about the on…(cracks) that's the only…(cracks) thing dry about me."

 

An emotional support cow is brought in by Ashley P. Which some girls call a pony!

 

Kelley sees it as a sign from God that she met Peter in a hotel lobby the month before.

 

Hannah (former bachelorette) exits a limo to screams. She and Peter have a super awkward exchange as the other ladies panic that Hannah is returning, she is only there to return the wings that Peter gave her the first night they met.

 

Hannah Ann gets the first kiss and many of the other girls get to see it!

Peter gets handcuffed and it leads to a make out!

 

Natasha "There are some cats and some rats" said after Mykenna threw a paper plane to break up Natasha and Peter's time. Of course Natasha considers herself "a cat" and thus she goes off to get one of the massive prop paper planes to present to Natasha and Peter then says  it is just for Mykenna to "fly away on it." As Peter and Mykenna make out Natasha stands in the background yelling "tick tock."

 

Hannah Ann becomes the girl who constantly interrupts the time other girls are having with Peter, this flummoxes Shiann who takes Hannah aside and then seems tongue tied by Hannah's boldness.

But, Hannah Ann's boldness gets her the first impression rose (her being a model didn't hurt).

 

Not getting the first impression rose leads Mykenna to tears.

 

The first rose ceremony has a tonne of tears, side eyes and names I cannot remember. Many of the post rose ceremony tears are in bright sunshine, showing how long they taped throughout the night.

 

The first group date is of course centered around flying, the girls are being put through "flight school" and apparently athleisure wear is needed for this.

There is a gimmicky obstacle course that Kelley wins by cheating and of course the show lets it stand…front runner status right there. Kelley pretends that she didn't mean to cheat on the course but come on it is an obvious cheating attempt and she gets to ride with Peter for a sunset plane ride (sigh Lawyers!)

 

Once Kelley returns from her date the girls call her out for cheating at the obstacle course, Kelley smartly does NOT apologize. Kelley in a confessional says it is good that the girls do not know that they are at the hotel that she and Peter met in a month ago.

 

Madison gets the one on one with Peter and he takes her to his parents vow renewal, this feels like a smooth way to get the Bachelor to pay for your parents' special event. Of course Madison catches the bouquet.

 

Tenille Arts is this week's "I think I know that name" performing artist (but in my case I think I just know the name because a wrestler has that name) proving my guess of the show paying for the vow renewal, Peter's family gets to dance along to the 'performance.'

 

The second group date has the ladies meeting Peter in Hollywood. Peter says his date is being planned by a very good friend and of course it is Hannah Brown, the ladies are not pleased to see her. Hannah is on stage and there is a windmill behind her as Hannah tells a story of "this guy" she used to date and of course it is the windmill story. The girls are concerned that Hannah has not moved on from Peter.

 

The girls are right to be concerned because, Hannah is crying over Peter and he goes to comfort her. Peter "what would you say if I asked you to come be a part of the house?" Hannah sounds like she wants to get back in the house, and Peter wants her to be back in the house…Hannah let's slip that she thought during her season that Peter wanted to be the Bachelor.