Black Bachelor Recap, Black History Month, White Tears!

 

I recall last year in February while recapping the Bachelor, talking about watching one of the whitest shows on TV during Black history month…this year we have a Black Bachelor a decent amount of POC, it is the first day of Black History month, and somehow this show still feels super white?

Matt campaigned for Romney, struggles to dance, thinks Victoria is “funny” and she seems to be a Trump fan...this season is a test on my “I don’t curse” creed and now reading rumors that Rachael might have been (could still be, hard to confirm while trying to avoid spoilers) a racist or a bigot and yeesh - can we just screen better? I don’t need this show to be the redemption vehicle for bigoted pasts. Too often it feels like we as black people are told to “get over it” or “X has changed they are no longer that person” meanwhile a black kid steals a stick of gum in high school and I forever hear that he/she is a “bad seed.”  

There are millions and millions of good looking people thirsty for insta-fame, the show does not need to keep putting on problematic ones just to stir controversy. I am a totally stubborn, sarcastic, somewhat witty, delightfully cutting person, I am not unique, there are plenty of me available, put one of us on instead of a Victoria instead of a Rachael and please someone get Matt dancing lessons or a redemption video for that crime against culture that ended with him trying to run through Tik-tok dances for Magi in the most cringe of ways. 

 You know what, maybe the show shoehorned that Matt dancing scene into the other episode because it would be a crime against my people to start Black History Month with that. 

The actual show starts again with a cold open. Then we cut to 2 pairs of girls walking; Kit and Victoria (self proclaimed OGs) and Ryan and Brittany (new girls) Victoria and Kit are sotto voce saying catty things about the new girls as they pass them…they are not exactly welcoming.

COCKTAIL PARTY:

The original girls who still consider themselves “the varsity squad” want to block the new girls from getting time with Matt. But before the party can start with Matt he addresses the ladies and says that he wants the toxic culture to end and says that the rumours about Brittany (that she was an escort, rumors propagated by Anna) could ruin her life.

Anna is freaking out as the source of the rumour.They could have used Horror movie music

Matt pulls Brittany aside to talk first and Brittany immediately lets Matt know that Anna told the whole house that she might be a prostitute. Anna, girl, you cannot kick that type of rumour without receipts because now when you google Brittany (I did not, spoiler fears) I am sure the prostitute accusation will be there.

MJ tells Anna that she needs to go talk to Matt, while Anna is freaking out and trying to figure out how to talk to Matt, Matt comes and finds her.

Anna’s version of what she spread in the house is a lot milder than what she actually did, but Matt is not buying it. He tells her she does not have a place in the journey anymore and then tells us that he has to create a safe space for the women in the house.

Chelsea asks the new women if they feel bullied and if there is a toxic environment and of course Victoria pipes up to say “it is not” even while the new girls are expressing that they do not like the environment. Victoria is dropping fake apologies left and right.

Ryan in her time with Matt is breaking down and telling him how toxic Victoria is…Bro Matt you should not have to see tears from these women to realize that Victoria has been terrible. On the return to the group Victoria decides the best tact to take towards Ryan is to grill her, insult her and then dismiss her by walking away while Ryan is answering her. It is hard to take Victoria seriously when she acts so bratty and while I try to figure out what her outfit is.AND HOW HAS SHE COME THIS FAR IN LIFE BOUGHT THIS MANY DRESSES AND NOT FIGURED OUT WHAT BRAS TO WEAR??

You know it must be an intense night because other men (security/producers? And wait staff) show up on camera.

Victoria pulls Matt to the side and immediately starts with flattery “I love how you are handling that” she “knows” Matt can be simple. Matt is taking deep breaths to calm down “Now I’m doing the other women here a disservice by not making this a safe space for everybody…people’s words  are so powerful, and when you said that Ryan is a ho for being a dancer” Victoria – “that was completely taken out of context” Matt – “Like, I’m just curious what context would calling someone a  ho be acceptable to be taken in?” Victoria continues to stroke her hair…Matt “I just have a lot to think about here” Uhmm WHAT? Walk her ass out!

OMCH shows up and says “Cocktail party is over” Victoria storms off “Now that I found out Katie is the one who fed Matt information F#$# you Katie.” 

Some of the girls can hear Victoria ranting but because I do not trust the show I do not know if they are for sure hearing this exchange or we are getting piped in sound “Like Ryan she is the shadiest bitch and I hope I do not get sent home for this…literally there is no one else who could marry him…if he is going to believe some idiot over me he is not my person…I am like trying to be positive, but if that like happens I will literally die.” Victoria literally does not know how the word literally should be used.

ROSE CEREMONY:

As the women line up Victoria continues “I need to sit down…I am going to throw up…I am like scared to go into this rose ceremony.”

Brittany gets the first rose, then Ryan, as Jessenia points out “that was definitely very telling…the new girls are getting reassurance from Matt.” Rachael gets the next rose, Serena P gets a rose, Magi, Kit, MJ and …Jessenia (whew 1) , Katie of course, Victoria ITM “Katie over me? Are you blind? Katie is disgusting, we have known that for weeks now.” As Katie returns to her spot on the dais Victoria has her arms folded. Abigail gets a rose (whew 2), Chelsea, and now the final rose and…BOOM ALL OF MY LADIES SURVIVED  - “Serena C will you accept this rose?” Yeah buddy. Victoria is looking around in shock, I guess this is where OMCH pays dividends in being obvious “take a moment to say your goodbyes.”

Going home we have some queens (and Victoria), the beauty queen in Catalina, Mari, Lauren and Victoria with arms folded “I honestly feel so sorry for you that you would listen to hearsay and not all of the facts behind a situation…so goodbye.” Victoria keeps her arms folded and tells us that she would not hug him but then is angry that Matt just stared at her!

 Victoria claims that she brought joy to the house “I am never dating another Matt ever…I hate that name now.”

The Next Day:

A Date card arrives via OMCH but he does not read it so that means points go to Serena P for reading it…I know this show knows about Bach-fantasy-leagues, they are setting us up!

RACHAEL ONE ON ONE: 

Now that Victoria is gone Kit takes on the “literally” crown and “literally the fear is just eating me inside.”

Matt tells Rachael “today is your day, I just want to spoil you” maybe get her a white sheet?

“Today I’ve got a great friend of mine celebrity stylist Ty Hunter” how much of that is true Matt?

Ty’s facial hair needs some explaining, I just cannot do it. 

This is one of those Bach dates where the woman gets to pick out a tonne of outfits, they never do this for the men. 

After Rachael picks a dress Matt ‘gifts’ her some Louboutins, which she wears back into the group room while rocking her new red dress and eating up the stares of the assembled women. This show’s producers know how to twist a knife.

A group date card shows up and by default it lets us know that Kit is getting the next one on one, this leaves Abigail sad…cry, just let it out girl, you will feel better.

Evening portion:

Rachel shows up in the blue ball gown that Matt ‘picked out for her’ which allows her to match with Matt’s crushed blue velvet suit.

Matt asks Rachael why she thinks she has “never been in love before.” Rachael claims she has been scared, and does not think she deserves love (and Matt).  Matt tells us that he is falling in love with Rachael…again read above…if she is what the rumours said this is absolutely messed up to have her date the black Bachelor, her family is going to be an issue…the date ends in a horse drawn carriage.

GROUP DATE:

It is cold, rainy and the girls are bundled up. The group meets up with farmer Ty (THE SHOW HAS CORNERED THE MARKET ON TYs). The ladies and Matt do some farming activities, and MJ freaks out in the chicken coup and Jessenia says “MJ is chickening out” and laughs at her own joke. The other girls are not fans of MJ’s today. As MJ chases Matt with an egg he runs into Pieper’s interview and makes out with Pieper…this causes tears amongst the group.

Evening Portion:

Brittany in an ITM looks like a completely different person and I was so happy for the Chyron because I was about to look up the ABC cast site to see who she was.

The first person to be pulled from the group is Chelsea when Matt tells her he has something for her outside. Matt lets us know the passage of time “We are over 5 weeks into this process” it is so rare the show lets us know the progression of time during the season so I appreciate Matt slipping the info in.

Abigail gets deep and tells Matt that her fear is that if she fully opens up to somebody she is afraid that they might walk out on her and her family like her dad did to her family. Matt says all the right things and reassures Abigail…then kissing, I try to see if Matt closes his eyes here because he seems to do that with the girls he cares more about.

Serena C. asks Michelle how her first group date felt, Michelle says the “activity was fun” but the emotional part is hard. Serena C. may not get much time with Matt but she is a glue damn it, this show needs her.

Michelle’s alone time with Matt has his hand on her legs and his eyes closed for the kiss.

Matt continues to seek safe spaces for the women so he wants to talk with MJ to make sure she was not one of the instigators. Matt tells MJ that he heard she was one of the “antagonists” and “causing the divide.” MJ says I “lead by example” but uhmm MJ what are you leading people to?

When she returns to the girls she confronts them and says “I lead by example” and Jessenia shocking me admits that she is the one that told Matt about MJ. Jessenia calls out the “lead by example” and points out that she helped to lead people to attack the new girls. MJ is demanding an apology and Jessenia is rightly laughing off the request.

Flash to the hotel suites and Kit gets her one on one date card which is a dinner invite to Matt’s place and this causes her to cry “because cooking means so much to me.”

Back to the group date and Abigail gets the date rose and I fist pumped…damn I need this pandemic to end, I gotta get out!

KIT’S ONE ON ONE:

And Matt is lighting candles and dusting?

Bro, aren’t you staying at a resort? We can stop the faux nonsense. Kit “My mom is a fashion designer…A lot of my life is like gold Bentleys and red carpets” Kit says this with an air of weariness, THE STRUGGLE!

Matt says when he goes out to eat he likes to order dessert first and I have a hard time with believing he eats that much dessert, that is my struggle- believing him. Then again, it might be a trick to realize once you have had your dessert fill, then X is how much more calories you can consume?

Matt wonders what their life together would look like and Kit says “tonight” Matt is initially confused by that.  Kit tells Matt that she is beginning to fall in love with him, while Matt is presenting her the rose she looks so young curled up on the couch with her hand on her cheek and I really would not be shocked if Chris Hansen walked in.

Next day as the group setting occurs we get an ominous knock, a date card arrives and MJ and Jessenia are about to do a 2 on 1, the show does a tonne of comparison image work as we see the girls get ready (tonnes of hair spray) one has her hair down, the other has her hair up , they roll up their suitcases to opposite sides,

enter the car on opposite sides, walk through their own sides of the door and sit across from each other on ‘the couches of destiny.’  

Of course the ladies are arguing while they wait for Matt. MJ keeps saying that she brings peace, tranquility, harmony and other such words that I do not think she knows the meaning of.

Jessenia has the correct dismissive attitude 

Blooper Reel:

The women wear buckets of feed while they search for “a golden horseshoe” and have to attempt to prevent the goats in the pen from emptying their buckets of feed.

Bachelor Recap and Matt's dancing was completely a joke right? TELL ME IT WAS A JOKE!

 

Our legal representative has told us that some of our loyal readers were offended by us calling Katie a moron last week forgetting that this blog Is written in real time with what is on the screen at the time: When Katie told Sarah to stay BEFORE Sarah told her about all the other problems she was having it was moronic, because in the ‘game’ that they are playing the object of the game is to ‘win’ Matt and at that point they barely knew Matt and he barely knew them, they also barely knew each other except as competitors…so yes I stand by calling her a moron, a super nice person can do a moronic thing just like an evil person can do a nice thing, one does not preclude the other.

We start with Matt reminiscing about Sarah leaving and the women on the super couch having a talk…Victoria talks trash about Sarah by saying “the trash took itself out” and Katie tells her to stop and they have a mini tiff.

You might remember that we are in the middle of a group date…the girls and Matt meet up for the evening portion and whew there are some outfits! MJ is the first to grab Matt to go outside and talk; I completely forgot her name until the chyron. Matt’s reaction to Mari asking how he is doing vs how he reacted when MJ asked makes me think Mari is held in higher esteem.

Chelsea has a talk that I want to highlight especially because this show does not touch much on the experience of colored women, she speaks about the emotional aspect of hair and the connection our people have with it. So many of my female friends of color have gone natural in the last few years and there is a big movement towards it but I do not think many people outside of the culture understand what is happening here.

 Back to the house and Victoria requests a sit down with Katie and her mom jeans

 and Victoria demands an apology which she obviously does not get, both accuse the other of being a “bitch.”

I foolishly went for a walk tonight despite a high wind warning of gusts of up to 60mph, at one point my beard was blown so far back it was touching my ears and my breath was shallow and it still was not as dumb as the back and forth with Victoria and Katie…mainly on Victoria’s part but Katie girl, have you not seen this show? Do not get dragged into the muck!

Back to the date and Chelsea gets the rose.

Cocktail Party:

“I have heard that Anna wants to go first (for time with Matt) but that is not happening. I’m Elsa and you’re Anna so let it go bitch, I am going first” – You have got to by now be able to guess that the speaker was Victoria.

I cannot fully decide if I should give Matt credit for remembering the back stories of the women or if this is producer fed info before the start of these one on ones, I hope this is just him remembering, I want this wholesome moment.

Victoria did NOT get the first moments with Matt, but she did start talking to him before they hit the couch. As they sit down OMCH interrupts to pull Matt aside and then in her ITM Victoria looks like she has a massive eye stye.

OMCH and Matt walk past all of the ladies and back out to the main steps where the limos pulled up from episode one. OMCH tells Matt “record response” for women who wanted to meet him and because of that they are having new limos pull up for new women to arrive – That explanation makes no sense, if you had record submissions causing you to add more women than normal why not just bring them all on right away, this was clearly for the shakeup impact. Nemacolin is not the normal Bachelor mansion so space was obviously not an issue. Matt plasters a goofy smile on and fixes his tie for the new arrivals. The women looking through the windows are all convinced that it is Sarah returning to the show.

Out comes Brittany first and her job title is ‘Model’ and she immediately goes in for a big kiss “to make up for lost time.” Brittany sashays her way in. Brittany walks in to an icy reception and says “surprise” and then smartly adds “there are other women coming in with me” (spread that heat) Victoria immediately attacks her calling her a “backup” and in her ITM a “Slore…slut, whore.”

Next out is Michelle a teacher from Minnesota and wow she has a face that looks familiar.

The original girls are saying the arrival of the new girls is “disrespectful” and a “slap in the face” Anna says “I am like having a mental breakdown right now.”

Next out is Ryan a dancer and choreographer..

Kim an ICU nurse gives her name as Kimberly to Matt and the girls but the show’s chryon insisted on ‘Kim’ weird. I chortled at how many people online made similar jokes to "she dressed for Bachelor in Paradise and was shocked when the limo pulled up to Nemacolin."

Catalina is a former Miss. Puerto Rico and wears the sash to make sure you know it! She tells Matt she wants “to be the queen of his universe.” This immediately triggers Victoria who tells her to come over Catalina- “Are you a former Miss?” “I’m Victoria like the queen…so I think I should have that crown” AND SNATCHES THE CROWN OFF CATALINA’S HEAD.

Real talk, the island in me jumped out and in my head I felt the blood rush because I was eagerly anticipating a smack. 

One of the women says “I think you are Elsa royalty tonight, I don’t think Elsa wears a crown” and Victoria says “okay that is fine” and takes off the crown BUT then puts it on the coffee table instead of returning it to Catalina. – Cut back to above when I said Sarah and Katie’s interaction was silly because SEE? More women are here and Matt is now torn about the people remaining and the current new crop.

Anna says that she knows about Brittany because of their circles in Chicago and she is hinting strongly that Brittany is not a good person “she is not here for Matt.”

Khaylah is rocking an Africa necklace, “Yasss Queen” I used to have one of those until it was stolen!

ROSE CEREMONY:

MJ gets the first rose,  then Pieper, Bri, Magi, Michelle (new girl), Mari, (Serena C. crying in an ITM because she got no time with Matt, hold it together my sweet), Ryan, Kit, Serena C (see my dear, I had faith in you, have faith in yourself) Abigail (back to back of my picks), Katie, (now Khaylah is the ITM freak out of the rose ceremony due to frustration of no time with Matt, she is a Nubian princess so I want her to remain, but my competitive nature and fantasy league participation says…”eh”), Victoria gets the “we need drama” rose (or in my world the “I do not think I could be friends with Matt because this is his decision making?” rose),  (Now Anna gets the frustration ITM and the crazy eyes), Lauren,  Brittany ( Anna stares daggers), Jessenia (whew my team rises), Anna (because now that we know there is potential beef there is no way we are losing it), cue OMCH to tell us that “this is the final rose tonight” and it goes to Catalina (oh you thought he was booting a beauty queen? Plus the potential for more Victoria beef?  Silly rabbit).

Ha Anna just said “OGs” and threw up quote fingers, it sounds weird when she says it.

Victoria’s stye is even more prominent in the morning with less makeup, I had an uncharitable thought that it is just her evil trying to escape.

Date card arrives and Serena C reads it…group date “Let’s fall in love” and this group will have Victoria and Catalina plus Anna and Brittany.

Ben Higgins arrives to give Matt counsel, should I point out that Ben is NOT with the woman he left his season with?

GROUP DATE:

And Ben is leading it, telling the ladies that they are going to do an obstacle course.
Rowing in thousand pound pumpkins across a pond, then a foot race in squirrel outfits to drop an acorn in a basket “and carry it like a squirrel”, then another foot race to get to Matt.Then Ben vaporizes, I guess that is what happened.

Immediately I can see that many of these ladies have never rowed Town Lake. Magi for instance has completely gone in the wrong direction. Victoria was the strongest rower, I am not shocked that she knows how to row. Anna could not find her acorn, “but I found Brittany’s and I hid it.” Poor Mari is still in the lake while the others are searching for acorns. Mari wins the challenge.

Evening Portion:

Anna gets the first one on one with Matt and Brittany tries to steal him, Anna rebuffs her even with Brittany trying the “but I just need to talk with him” tact, Anna then freezes up as Brittany lurks in the background. Anna lets Victoria know that there are Brittany rumours, I sense she is chumming the waters hoping a bigger shark will take it to Matt.

Cut back to the house and Michelle is speaking to the OGs and saying they just want respect and right on cue a date card arrives for a One on One date for Michelle.

Back to the date and Bri is getting a kiss from Matt (I really tried to get her on my fantasy team) and the group rose. Once Matt leaves Anna tells Brittany that she wants to talk to her and says she got DM’s from her friends in Chicago about Brittany “Watch out for this girl” and “that you are an escort” Brittany’s defense is that she has had a “boyfriend since I was 16.” Anna somehow manages to say "I apologize" while still committing the crime -  Brittany tells the girls that it is hard for her to be in the situation and so Victoria then says “well get out the house.” This is not a mean girl edit for Victoria, this is a who she is edit, her photo with a Trump flag in the background was not an accident.

Next day Serena C., Jessenia and Kit are talking about Brittany and speculating on her Chicago night life.

ONE ON ONE:

I go off to make a rum glaze for some sugar cookies as Matt tries to tell Michelle that OMCH created their date and it is a scavenger hunt. First clue “take a leap of faith” it is a massive zipline, OMCH is used to white couples. Matt “Michelle finished first” Michelle, “It is good for you to learn.”

The next clue is “any hidden talents” – Michelle is a bit of a contortionist. Then “how many kids” both say “three” then “time to take your love to new heights” and of course it is a hot air balloon. As the balloon rises the women back at the hotel break out binoculars and spy on Matt and Michelle.

A new date card arrives as MJ tells us that Michelle getting a one on one was “straight up disrespectful” with some massive bags under her eyes. The date card says “Are you willing to fight for love” and the girls all realize the implications.

Back to the date –

Evening portion:

Matt and Michelle get to dine in a classic car filled room. While I realize that I probably added too much rum to my glaze as it remains liquidy…but delicious. Then the conversation snaps me to attention, Michelle brings up the pandemic and George Floyd and this is a REAL CONVERSATION. I am so grateful for this moment and a quick flashback to Taysha and Ivan talking about BLM, the franchise has had so much fluff, and there is a strong reason for that, fluff is good, fluff helps with escapism but this dose of reality is necessary to anchor a “reality” show and this is and should be what people talk about on dates, especially people of color inhabiting the world we currently live in. Michelle gets a date rose and then a make-out session in the back of a classic car.

The next morning: Brittany is talking to Michelle and Katie and telling them about the escort rumour. Katie says “people are going to throw stuff out that is not accurate…it is hard here” then asks “did Matt hear that rumour?” This feels like foreshadowing.

Cut to Matt working out shirtless in preparation for the Group Date:

Have I confessed yet that I dated a girl who looks a lot like Serena C (this may be why I have an affinity for her). Mia St. John shows up to show the ladies how to box and to warn them that they will “be fighting in front of a live audience.”

Serena C. says she would have liked to have some of the new girls on the date because it would bring out the competitive side in her and allow her “to beat their asses.”

Of course the live audience is the girls from the hotel who are not on the date. OMCH and Wells Adams are the faux-announcers. “If I was on the date I would punch Katie in the face multiple times  because she has been pissing me off, she would wake up with a black eye” – Victoria with an eye that looks blackened.

Katie claims that because Victoria has been pissing her off she is going to take out her anger on her opponent who happens to be Jessenia…my poor girl gets battered.

Serena C. then comes through for my team and lays a whooping on Kit. Rachael versus Pieper seems fairly evenly matched.

Serena P versus Lauren leads to some clean shots and the fight gets called early but not early enough for Serena to avoid a clean shot to the nose and the need for an ice pack.  

Evening Portion:

Rachael tells Matt that it has been a tough week, and gets a kiss.

Back to the house and Anna and Victoria are 'going mean girl' talking behind the new girls' backs.

Back to the date, the OG girls who call themselves ‘The Varsity squad” are talking about the new girls and Katie speaks up saying the girls are being mean and not giving the new girls a chance. She then goes to find Matt and tells him that “the house just needs to be better, it is a toxic environment. There are some really bad rumors starting about the new girls that could literally ruin their lives, not even exaggerating.” She then tells Matt “I just figure like when everyone is together tomorrow when everyone is in the same room you could address it” and all I hear in my head again is LPB Poody’s “Address it.” There is much to be said about Matt not being previously on this show and not having the usual command someone who has been on the show before usually has.

BLOOPER:

Magi gets Matt to dance and I KNEW IT, EVERYTHING I EXPECTED ABOUT HOW BAD HE WOULD BE IS VINDICATED! Mari says “that’s great I (drawn out)...” while having the plastic smile of someone who sees a kid’s painting that shows decapitation of their teddy bear and they are trying to figure out if all the knives are hidden, complete with Magi’s eyes darting to the side.  I am not ashamed to say I have re-watched the Matt dance, about 6 times and each time paused when Magi’s face is shown watching him in horror.  This was not for the culture!

 

 

 

 

Bachelor Recap or Is Ali in Labour right now?

 

We start this week with a return to the Rose Ceremony and the medical incident with Sarah. While Sarah and Matt walk out for her to get some fresh air we have the remaining girls sitting in place on the podium as they struggle to wait “Now she is getting this really pure and intense moment with Matt…but it is just like she is getting exactly what she wants!” said by Anna about Sarah. I get why the remaining women are NOT HAPPY

Khaylah expresses honesty - she is not questioning that Sarah fainted, but she is annoyed that it happened – She gets a rose.

Roses go to: Mari /MJ/Anna/Kaili and here comes OMCH to tell us “final rose” as the ‘drama builds’ for will it be Marylynn or Victoria BUT there is no drama the show spoiled itself by showing in the previews from last week (before I could get to my remote) that Victoria is on a date this week…Last rose to Victoria. Does Marylynn smash her orchid in disgust?

Marylynn tells us that Victoria is a good actor.

Did Mari’s accent in the morning with the girls sound different than her time with Matt? Am I just too jaded?

OMCH comes in to tell the ladies (and Us) that Matt needs to be pushed…duh. There will be 2 Group Dates and a one on one this episode. The first date card says there will be a surprise.

GROUP DATE:

Matt greets the ladies and says OMCH has all the reins on this date.

The group walks into a small theater set up with Ashley I reading some erotic fiction on the stage it is material from “The Perfect Letter” OMCH’s book. The challenge for the ladies is that they will have to write a steamy scene featuring Matt which they will then read in front of Matt, their peers and a live audience (if it is not the other girls from the show I will be shocked, it cannot be the public - can that be covid safe?) As Ashley goes around to check on the girls who are writing Victoria’s short sample of her story has to be repeatedly beeped.

Time for the performance and my guess was correct it is the rest of the ladies playing the role of audience.  Matt goes first and reads his story

, it gets the ladies hearts racing and there are some flushed cheeks and licking of lips. 

 

Among the ladies Anna is first and tells us "this is Chapter 17" of her love story and the chapter is “The Fantasy suite” and I will admit I laughed uproariously at this - “talk dirty to me Matt…he whispers ”you are the only one left no one else is here”...she immediately cums, the end.” I used to love reading our creative writing assignments in class, luckily it was never this steamy.

My fantasy league choice (of 3 still alive) Serena goes up in a sexy black ensemble showing off her assets and hits a fun rhyme “all the things in the past that was [sic] evidently lacking I know my mans [sic], Matt James is packing.”

Katie who brought a vibrator to show Matt night one is no prude and gets the others blushing as she vividly goes into details.

Victoria says “hold my beer” and escalates it, the girls love her story.

At the end of the performance OMCH tells the audience that they now have to go home while the group date girls get to remain, Sarah tells us that it was hard to watch and “every word was like a knife to my heart.” Sarah is NOT DRAMATIC AT ALL!  I am guessing the resort’s hot water heater got a break as the cold showers raged on for the rest of the girls and Matt. 

Back to the date:

I said episode one that Matt would use kissing when he could not come up with answers…that does not change.

Back to the hotel, a date card arrives and it is for Serena P. this “triggers” Sarah who has “past issues with faithfulness” HOLD ON…the date card shows up issues of faithfulness? Sarah goes to look for Matt which means she interrupts a group date that she is not on…the one on one moment she interrupts is Katie’s and she is not happy.

Sarah says to Matt “Can I steal you for a second?” Matt does not hesitate, there is no push-back he immediately says “yeah.” Victoria sums it up “I think it is disrespectful, yeah I would interrupt my own group date, but I would never interrupt another group date” glad to know she has boundaries.

Sarah’s conversation is not the type that needed to interrupt a group date. While Matt and Sarah are talking Victoria (reasonably) tells Katie to go back and reclaim her time. Matt does NOT stand up for Katie when Katie tries to get her time back instead he lets Sarah tell Katie she wants more time, Katie waits on the sidelines, then has to interrupt a second time to try to get her time back and Sarah gets Matt to walk her out to steal even more time and kisses.

Sarah reading the room with Katie’s anger is afraid that the other girls will also be mad so she goes to the group date girls to tell them that she will apologize for stealing time with Matt…but the girls are not having it.

While Sarah is outside talking to the producers Victoria goes outside to shade comfort her with a mix of faux sincerity and questioning of motives. While Victoria is talking to Sarah, Katie walks up like the Terminator (I loved it). Katie points out to Sarah that nothing she said to Matt was urgent.

The group date rose goes to Rachael while many of the women are looking on with daggers in their eyes because they did not get time with Matt.

“Time is a commodity here and right now Sarah is like a billionaire and we are all sitting here with a dollar” I think said by Anna, but no one was shown saying the words.

Sarah’s actions cause Serena C to cry and I think “POINTS!”

Serena P ONE ON ONE:

Matt shows up to pick up Serena P., and he sits down to talk to the women about “what happened last night” and then notices that Sarah is not with the group so he goes to find her and if you think this left the other women happy well I have some property in the arctic circle that I think you would love, it is beachfront. 

Matt jumps into bed with Sarah, I guess his cold shower did not work 

The girls are in the “if she wants to go, just go” or the “she is faking that she wants to leave, she wants him to say 'stay'” camp and this is borne out by Matt talking to Sarah and Sarah claiming she packed her bags to leave in the morning I would love if Matt had said “okay show me the bags.” Sarah gets her kisses that she wanted while the girls all wait downstairs as Serena’s date time gets chewed up.

What a quick flip from Villain Victoria to Sinister Sarah.

When Matt finally comes down he says “I would’ve spent that time with anyone” who is feeling like he thinks Sarah is feeling…I stand by things I said to my Bach watching groups, ‘Matt is soft, and Sarah is not as genuine as she pretended’, I am so happy to be proved right, I enjoy being right much more than I hate being not right (never wrong).

Let us try this again Serena P ONE ON ONE:

SP and Matt go horseback riding. And follow the Bach trope of spreading a blanket in a field for a picnic. As Matt and SP make out some donkeys show up, the producers pushed this “Oh look Matt is getting some Ass…oh!" 

Matt had a turtle as a pet as a kid, SP asks “were you a weird kid?”

 

Evening Portion:

SP asks Matt if he has ever been in love before he claims that if you asked him when he was younger if he was ever in love before he would say “yes” but now he does not think that he has ever been in love before. SP was madly in love with her ex and is “falling in like” with Matt but could see herself “potentially falling in love with you…which is weird.” YES, YES IT IS WEIRD since you have probably spent less than 10 hours total around this dude. Matt is ecstatic that SP might fall in love with him.  SP gets the date rose.

Hot tub time and Matt’s trunks have turtles on them, SP immediately notices and Matt yells “I am serious about my turtles.”

Back to the hotel and Sarah is still missing from the group but she shows up once the date card arrives (granted the producers may have forced her to show up for the reading). Sarah tells the group that they know her and she is not like how she has acted and Victoria calls her out “we do not know you” and then to the group “Who is she talking to?” Sarah reminds me of so many people (male and female) in San Diego, this is not a strong look for my city. Sarah - “I hear you and I want to make amends with you ladies”

Victoria -  “Why do you think we want to make amends with you?” “She was just trying to placate the situation and I was like you are just such a calculating little bitch. If Matt sends her home I will [expletive deleted] him, because that is so hot that he can see through her bull[expletive deleted] “ “I do not want to speak for the rest of the group; but I do not accept your apology even if you say it 20 more times.”

Katie shows herself to be a moron, Sarah is having a crying one on one with her and telling Katie that she is planning to leave and Katie says that she wants Sarah to stay because if she leaves she does not want Matt thinking “What if?” Then when Sarah tells Katie about her dad’s terminal illness Katie then says “knowing that it changes everything… I missed out on my goodbye with my dad…and I would never want that for you” Katie’s dad died in 2012. 

I think Sarah is doing what I do in moments of doubt, I have the reason I know I should do something and the excuses I add to the reason. Sarah says she is going home to her dad but do not forget earlier she said the girls’ erotica stories about Matt were knives to her heart and she spoke about faithfulness issues; she is not cut out for this process but the looming specter of her dad’s demise will make every decision seem even heavier. SHE SHOULD NOT BE ON THIS SHOW, I do not need my entertainment to be at the cost of anyone’s well being.

Sarah goes to see Matt and if you did not believe me above when I told you Sarah is not genuine take note of her telling Matt that the women in the house attacked her for not coming down from her room to speak to them after she invaded the group date. Sarah says she” prayed about it” and she feels like she is “being called home,” not to heaven but to go be with her family. Did you pray about not stabbing the other women in the back on your way out of the door? 

Bloopers: 

Matt has an attack of hiccups.