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Thursday, January 13, 2011

Jersey Shore, 01/13/2011

(live blogging the jersey shore, do not judge, syntax, spelling, grammar or overall ability to write)

Hmm I don’t think I have ever done a Jersey Shore blog (not because I am better than this c.f. my Flavour of Love blogs) but tonight’s episode started off so strong it compelled me to put the laptop on the stomach and start typing. Maybe I will get lazy halfway through and quit, but for now let’s blog it.

So we pick up this week where last week left off with Sammi and Jwoww trading blows. The best part to me is that of all the guys only Vin tries to separate the girls. All the other guys including the bf of one of the participants just sit there. Look while I would never hit a chick, I could never see my girl getting smacked around and not step in and at least try to pull the other chick off her or at least hold the girl so my girl could pound her. Ronnie just sat there like he was wondering if he could do roids on camera and not get caught. Bear in mind that this fight is occurring on the bloody first night. How long are they there for? 6-8 weeks?

An aside (Pauly D really needs to get a new spot to live in)

Pauly and Vinny together did not know that women do not just walk around with milk in their breasts I almost hope they are playing dumb for the camera. If we got rid of the Jersey girls and guys and their use of hair spray, could we fix the hole in the Ozone layer?

I am not the greatest dancer on earth, but watching these kids dance makes me think I could challenge anyone in Jersey to a dance off and WIN!
That girl following Vinny has some strong stalker tendencies if we could just set her on Bin Ladin or any of America’s most wanted we would get things done.

“I will pee in a bush, I will poop in a bush and I will hide in a bush”—Snookie, America’s next great poet.

When drunk and calling your ‘significant other’ you might not want to call with petty things and FORGET that it is your bloody anniversary. (I suspect there will be more to this later in the season, since they kind of just glossed over it)

Hahahah, Vinnie pulled a fast one on Mike. Look if you are doing a threesome, you might actually want to stick close to your 3some. Watching Vin close the door of the smoosh room on Mike blocking him out is bloody funny. But Mike then rejecting Deena who threw herself at him…classic.
Snooks: who are you stuck with
Mike: no one, a peanut butter sandwich
Deena: or me
Mike: No, I’m good.

Paulie’s ability to add the words “Oh yea” to any situation is bloody impressive. That way he is able to rhyme any phrases.

Skipping out on Sunday dinner is not cool. These kids barely have any worthwhile traditions but that is one that I actually respected. But not waking the Situation up for gym time was in his and Snooki’s words “Not cool”. These kids treat family dinner like the Mob treats sit down meetings. Everything gets squashed at family dinner, how else are the 5 Burroughs going to get their treaties together? I love that everyone talks big when the persons they are talking about are not present then as soon as the objects walk in they all clam up. Sitch was talking a big game and then as soon as Sammi and Ron walked in, he goes out to smoke a fag. “She is boring, she is like furniture” Deena just summed up Sammie perfectly; I think I might love the new girl.

I thought they were all going to rip the 2 bums a new one for skipping family dinner? Instead we got something akin to diplomatic posturing. Did Snooki’s tits get larger while she got smaller? I feel like when I am watching her confessionals all I see are 2 beach balls staring at me and sound is coming from the center of them like a ventriloquist dummy.

These kids have the easiest job on earth, they are selling T-shirts on a Boardwalk, the job does itself, and yet they complain constantly, and they suck at it…

Did Vinny just hint that he could not get his junk into Snooki? I am pretty sure he just said that she should have licked it before he stuck it.

Sammi eavesdropping on Ronnie talking to the Sitch is kind of like how I imagine the Feds listening in on drug calls. The reaction from Ronnie when he looked over his shoulder and realized she was looking is how I am sure I would react if I were selling drugs and suddenly saw a cop over my shoulder: A nice mix of “oh crap” and “can I run fast enough”.

So let me get this straight Sammi: Ron hangs out with his boys for a night and invites you out, but you make this statement “I feel like I am all alone in this house”? Does he have to hold your hand 24/7? I feel like she picked a role for herself coming in, as if she made the conscious decision that she would be the worst possible roommate and has decided that no matter what fun activity happens around her, she is going to be pissed. Whew she just said “I would rather you cut me off” than continue to hurt me. I do not think she realizes that she is telling him he has a tonne of power. Guys are not supposed to be the ones who can cut off the sexual supply, the girl is supposed to be the one with the hose and the guy like the starving desert. My friend NT is convinced these guys hit each other…I am starting to believe it.

Till next week, where we get to see Snooks try to walk into the ocean with her purse…

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.