Bachelor Finale recap or I wont marry you, but I want to keep having sex with you or "I've got a diamond ring in my pocket, but you're not getting it."

I just want my blog to be a Panda in a Blog world full of Brown bears! Read on and 'enjoy' the finale recap.


"I've got a diamond ring in my pocket, but you're not getting it."

Good grief it is 3 hours tonight, and we cut to Chris Harrison with a live studio audience and some ‘Bachelor stars’ aka peeps who are caught in the reality show web and need those cheques. I roped the roomie into watching this tripe with me.

We go back to St. Lucia and JP’s family are all there with him. He and his daughter correspond in Spanish and I think “JP you already have a problem with English and your daughter clearly already speaks Spanish, maybe you guys should practice English together, so that you do not go around calling your friends ‘Perverts’, [accidentally]”. Clare is first to meet the family.

Clare says watching JP with his daughter makes him sexy, roomie unbidden utters “so fake” I agree. JP’s family starts mild grilling, Clare seems prepared (or maybe she has seen any episode of this show ever). Clare is apparently the only one in her family that does not speak Spanish, and watching her interact with JP’s family I think she wishes she had learned Spanish.

Roomie and I keep laughing at the audience reaction shots everytime there is a live look in. JP’s mom calls him rude and hurtful, Clare covers it up as honesty – methinks the girl is trying to convince herself. JP’s cousin when talking to him about Clare “Dude, she is ready, I am not saying she is begging for it, but she is ready”.

Here is something I do not understand (okay I understand it but the rap historian in me loves that phrase) everyone in JP’s family seems to be great at English EXCEPT JP even the family from Venezuela has a better command of the language than he does which brings me back to a theory I had when he was a contestant on the Bachelorette, I think he plays up the accent and his limited English because it gives him a better narrative.

Back to the LA audience, I let it run and regret it.

Nikki’s turn – His cousin seems a bit too excited to see Nikki. The sun is beating these poor girls up. Nikki has a terrible tattoo. JP’s dad tells Nikki that JP is not an easy guy 'a know it all'. JP’s mom asks Nikki how she would manage a weekend with JP since that is when he has Camila (his daughter) kind of blows up the whole “I am with my daughter 24/7” veneer that the show started with. JP’s mom asks a tough question of Nikki, how would she handle conflict – her answer is ridiculous “I think we would fight well”. As Nikki drives away JP asks if he can keep both girls – not an unreasonable request in my world.

36 minutes and 10 seconds in I see the worst tan I have seen since the Jersey Shore was a thing. I immediately had to text it to E and R. Chris Harrison sits down infront of 2 empty chairs (which just looks weird) and starts to tell us what is coming up so I skip forward if he said anything important – I missed it.

Clare and JP go on a helicopter date and JP creepily tells us that Clare’s kisses is “Ay, yai yai” Then we get Clare telling us that JP whispered something to her while the cameras were off and the audio was down in the helicopter…something sexual something that she said means that he does not know her well and hints that she might leave if there is only a physical attraction. JP just gets creepier and creepier…but remember he is not gay so not a pervert (his words). Clare “I came here for love, I didn’t come here for just a hook up”.

JP walks into Clares hotel and asks her for a “besito” (a kiss) and she stops him.

Clare starts to grill JP about what he said to her in the helicopter and he pretends to not remember. Clare expresses concern and he says “So that is why you did not give me a kiss?” he is so focused on the kissing, the man’s laser focus is amazing. The reaction shots of Deseree in the audience are amazing she has the “I dodged a bullet” look. JP tricks Clare into believing him, that is all I can say because the stupidity of this moment caused me to zone out a bit. JP pulls his move of putting on that terrible song that they danced to on their first date (honesty time, maybe the song is not terrible but I cannot judge fairly anything I hear on this show).

(Apparently what he said to her in the Heliocopter goes like this, she asked him to tell her he loves her and he replied with "I love f---ing you") https://v.cdn.vine.co/r/videos/0028814F041055007781868482560_1bc8eb65c19.4.8.7052514956889982238.mp4?versionId=Cpyw4OG1WqhBZJ_Hw.V8yLhn_7PmU5Iz

Why does the audience clap everytime they cut back to them?

Time for Nikki’s date:

And she and the girls come out to play. JP initially plays it safe and goes with safe topics then asks Nikki if she has any concerns I spill icecream on my chest laughing at how vacant and guarded her response is. Nikki asks JP what his plans are for after the show and he gives her a response about watching TV alone…

On their night time date Nikki really really wants to hear JP tell her that he loves her. You have probably guessed by now that he does not, but you may not realize he wears an anklet. Nikki gives JP a gift via a card with too many words it ends with “I love you” JP says “Thank you” and kisses her on the forehead, Nikki has ‘a sad’. The audience reactions are great, so many scowls, so many sad faces and my roomie and I are howling with laughter…I really have to try to get tix to that live audience someday; I want to soak up that atmosphere. JP leaves Nikki with a kiss and the wrapping paper on her bed and she dissolves into tears.

We get the obligatory shot of the Neil Lane box with the huge diamond ring, BUT we do not get the usual silly back and forth of Neil Lane and the Bachelor…foreshadowing. Turns out the Neil Lane scene was cut http://insidetv.ew.com/2014/03/10/bachelor-juan-pablo-neil-lane/
Time for the final Rose ceremony and Clare arrives first, guess she was fully convinced by JP’s inane answers. Clare says “I know my dad would be proud” no girl, not if your dad watched this season. Clare tells JP that she is nervous and of course he says “It’s okay”. JP reminds us that Clare got out of the limo faking a pregnancy. JP says “I wish the earth sucked me today because this is the hardest decision I make.” Clare gets the I am prepared for the worst face and JP tells her he is sending her home, he goes in for a hug and she blocks him –
we get to hear the live audience applauding (something we have never heard before – which kind of goes with the thinking that E, I and a tonne of other people have had that the producers have given up on JP and do not care if he comes across badly anymore). Clare tells JP that after what he made her go through, she would “never want my kids to have a father like you.”

“Whoo, I am glad I didn’t pick her” so says JP and the audience goes “ohhhh”.

Nikki arrives – we see JP holding a rose and staring down at it. Nikki in her voice over says “he is going to be down on his knee looking up at me…I think today will be one of the best days of my life” poor deluded girl. Nikki tells JP that she loves him, and he says “I love so many things about you”. JP brings up Nikki’s dad telling him that he has to be a 100% sure and then says “I have a ring here in my pocket…but I am not a 100% sure that I want to propose to you, but I am a 100% sure that I want to be with you”.

Smooth G, way to get the girl, put the blame on her dad but still not have to propose to her…

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Clare comes out first to much applause, roomie is still sticking this out I think he has been trapped. Clare reiterates that she gave JP an out and he never took it, he led her on. Clare will not tell us exactly what JP said to her but we know it was something sexual, the roomie and I just keep making up grosser and grosser encounters for her. Clare says she trusted the process, code for 'I was a moron for 2 months'. Chris asks Clare what kind of man JP was which dovetails nicely with my theory that the show is no longer protecting him. Clare is given the choice as to whether she wants to talk to JP or not, Sharleen looks bored at how long Clare is taking to say yes or no; she claims that telling him off in St. Lucia was closure enough for her. This seems fake, they have never before given the ‘rejected lady’ a choice, this has to have been something she asked the producers to do for her in advance.

JP comes out and the audience is not happy. Chris Harrison is not his usual coddling self. JP again tries that move of saying that he is private and will not talk about private things…cause you know you were not on a reality show with cameras watching you.

Nikki comes out and admits to still not knowing if JP loves her, they are still together. All the other girls look sorry for her. JP and Nikki are together on the couch and maybe it is my imagination but they do not look that comfortable together, she seems to dote on him but he seems cool towards her: In my head I hear George Michael “I will be your father figure.” JP keeps saying that Chris Harrison interrupted him and the crowd does not like that, the crowd loves Chris and clearly do not want JP to insult him. Chris clearly goes after JP and tells him that “he does not know what he is looking at”, JP repeats it as a question “You do not know what you are looking at?”. Jp says "Look at me" so often that I think of the Captain Philips trailer "Look at me, Look at me I'm the captain now"

 Nikki says things that would make sense in the real world, things like; people do not normally fall in love like this, others who have gone on that stage were probably lying about being in love. But, the flaw here is Nikki herself had said she wants JP to tell her that he loves her…soooo why are you still there then?

Chris reading my mind asks Nikki how long she will give JP – This has become the pile on JP show. JP keeps hinting to private issues but then refusing to explain them and of course repeats alot that he is a 100% honest.

The new Bachelorette is introduced and it is who we all knew it would be – Andi aka the girl who is supposed to be in the middle of a murder trial in Chicago but hey, important things must be done. We get B roll footage of Andi as the Assistant District attorney. Andi comes out to a standing O from the crowd.

 

When Nikki watches this season if she ever does she can enjoy these moments of her kissing JP



Her hair looks different here:

and here

Guess she decided to darken it here

and then went even darker here

She looks like a completely different person here

And thanks to Todd Boudreaux    there is a supercut of all the crying on the Bachelor
 

)

When your job title is "free spirit"

I do not expect much out of you, but Lucy Aragon from the bachelor really surprised me with this gem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBGKYO6NqPc#t=75

Bachelor recap or the Women Tell Juan Pablo what they ALL think of him...

I am at that usual stage that I get to every season where the Bachelor has broken my will so much that I even forget to post recaps, it is Thursday and I just remembered to post what I wrote on Monday...forgive even more than the usual grammar and spelling mistakes - I am a broken man.

Tonight is ‘the women tell all’ and I roped my roomie in to watching it with me…somehow it makes me feel better if I claim that another person is interested in the show also.

 Then this damn show starts with Sean and Catherine how am I going to convince my roomie that this show is interesting when I have to start with this drivel. Chris Harrison asks inappropriate questions about the wedding night and Catherine says the fireworks were quick. And more questions about trying to have kids…awkward, screw talking about their fireworks, let’s get to talking about the angry lady fireworks.

 We get a creepy ad for the Muppets movie; it probably was not that creepy but now that I know so much more about him, seeing JP here just makes things creepy.

Finally we get to the Ladies and the usual run down of “I have no idea who that girl is” or “I forgot she was on the show”. The dog lover brings her dog and talks about her dog, I know she is funny but yeesh too much. The girls all recap about how hot he is and then go on to say how vacant he is.

 Many of the girls think JP uses his daughter as a shield. I laugh to see that Cassandra’s job title is “former NBA dancer”.

 They find JP disrespectful for his Clare hot tub moment while they were all on group dates.

 Sharleen does the ‘hot seat’ and we get to see a recap of their terrible kissing. A quick rehash of how little they meshed intellectually, though Sharleen tries to defend JP by calling him “very curious” and I think like the monkey?

 Renee is next – we get the recap of how desperate Renee was for a kiss and her spins of joy when the kiss finally occurred. I keep looking to see if there is a ring on her finger; E told me there was an article that Renee is already engaged to another guy. Chris Harrison asks her about her dating life and she mentions that she is in a “very good situation” and that she does “not want to jinx it.”

Andi and her aquamarine dress are next – Chris Harrison tells us that the camera’s leave the fantasy suite, thanks Chris, this whole time I thought you guys were filming porn. Andi smirks when saying “I think he thinks he is a very good bachelor.” Andi claims she faked sleep to end her conversations with JP so that the night would be over quickly. She admits to being nervous to see JP. They keep hinting that Andi is going to be the new Bachelorette with Chris, asking if she is still open to love and Andi saying she believes in the process and still wants to find love – hmm.

 JP arrives and looks nervous, or maybe he is just processing words, I cannot always tell. JP says that he is just being honest with the girls and then drops in an “It’s okay” with a huge grin. JP claims he did not go on the show to kiss 27 women – you came close buddy. Cassandra thinks JP was wrong for going on the home-town and meeting Renee’s son.

 The non-single mom girls seem to think that JP treated them unfairly.

Andi thinks JP was not on the show to find a wife.

Sharleen diplomatically responds to Chris asking if she thought he took it seriously, she says with her he did.

 The dog lover is mad at JP for calling Gays “perverts” and reveals that she has a gay parent, JP claims he cannot address the subject in just 4 minutes but would talk to her for an hour.

 
Victoria who came from Brazil gets mad at JP for using English as a second language and Sharleen again defends him.

 JP in the bloopers claims to have a little package (he does not understand what it means). He says its okay to everyone in the montage proving Andi’s point and his, simultaneously.

I think we see a woman in the audience crying over the previews to next week…It's okay, my dear my soul is crying too.