Infrequently updated consistently funny

Monday, March 24, 2014

Bachelor Finale recap or I wont marry you, but I want to keep having sex with you or "I've got a diamond ring in my pocket, but you're not getting it."

tumblr_n2919wouKy1ru72puo1_400I just want my blog to be a Panda in a Blog world full of Brown bears! Read on and 'enjoy' the finale recap.

Juan Pablo
"I've got a diamond ring in my pocket, but you're not getting it."

Good grief it is 3 hours tonight, and we cut to Chris Harrison with a live studio audience and some ‘Bachelor stars’ aka peeps who are caught in the reality show web and need those cheques. I roped the roomie into watching this tripe with me. Sean Lowe shaking his head at Juan Pablo Galavis on the Bachelor GIF

We go back to St. Lucia and JP’s family are all there with him. He and his daughter correspond in Spanish and I think “JP you already have a problem with English and your daughter clearly already speaks Spanish, maybe you guys should practice English together, so that you do not go around calling your friends ‘Perverts’, [accidentally]”. Clare is first to meet the family.

Clare says watching JP with his daughter makes him sexy, roomie unbidden utters “so fake” I agree. JP’s family starts mild grilling, Clare seems prepared (or maybe she has seen any episode of this show ever). Clare is apparently the only one in her family that does not speak Spanish, and watching her interact with JP’s family I think she wishes she had learned Spanish.

Roomie and I keep laughing at the audience reaction shots everytime there is a live look in. JP’s mom calls him rude and hurtful, Clare covers it up as honesty – methinks the girl is trying to convince herself. JP’s cousin when talking to him about Clare “Dude, she is ready, I am not saying she is begging for it, but she is ready”.

Here is something I do not understand (okay I understand it but the rap historian in me loves that phrase) everyone in JP’s family seems to be great at English EXCEPT JP even the family from Venezuela has a better command of the language than he does which brings me back to a theory I had when he was a contestant on the Bachelorette, I think he plays up the accent and his limited English because it gives him a better narrative.

Back to the LA audience, I let it run and regret it.

Nikki’s turn – His cousin seems a bit too excited to see Nikki. The sun is beating these poor girls up. Nikki has a terrible tattoo. JP’s dad tells Nikki that JP is not an easy guy 'a know it all'. JP’s mom asks Nikki how she would manage a weekend with JP since that is when he has Camila (his daughter) kind of blows up the whole “I am with my daughter 24/7” veneer that the show started with. JP’s mom asks a tough question of Nikki, how would she handle conflict – her answer is ridiculous “I think we would fight well”. As Nikki drives away JP asks if he can keep both girls – not an unreasonable request in my world.

36 minutes and 10 seconds in I see the worst tan I have seen since the Jersey Shore was a thing. I immediately had to text it to E and R. Chris Harrison sits down infront of 2 empty chairs (which just looks weird) and starts to tell us what is coming up so I skip forward if he said anything important – I missed it.

Clare and JP go on a helicopter date and JP creepily tells us that Clare’s kisses is “Ay, yai yai” Then we get Clare telling us that JP whispered something to her while the cameras were off and the audio was down in the helicopter…something sexual something that she said means that he does not know her well and hints that she might leave if there is only a physical attraction. JP just gets creepier and creepier…but remember he is not gay so not a pervert (his words). Clare “I came here for love, I didn’t come here for just a hook up”.

JP walks into Clares hotel and asks her for a “besito” (a kiss) and she stops him.

Clare starts to grill JP about what he said to her in the helicopter and he pretends to not remember. Clare expresses concern and he says “So that is why you did not give me a kiss?” he is so focused on the kissing, the man’s laser focus is amazing. The reaction shots of Deseree in the audience are amazing she has the “I dodged a bullet” look. JP tricks Clare into believing him, that is all I can say because the stupidity of this moment caused me to zone out a bit. JP pulls his move of putting on that terrible song that they danced to on their first date (honesty time, maybe the song is not terrible but I cannot judge fairly anything I hear on this show).

(Apparently what he said to her in the Heliocopter goes like this, she asked him to tell her he loves her and he replied with "I love f---ing you")
Why does the audience clap everytime they cut back to them?

Time for Nikki’s date:

And she and the girls come out to play. JP initially plays it safe and goes with safe topics then asks Nikki if she has any concerns I spill icecream on my chest laughing at how vacant and guarded her response is. Nikki asks JP what his plans are for after the show and he gives her a response about watching TV alone…

On their night time date Nikki really really wants to hear JP tell her that he loves her. You have probably guessed by now that he does not, but you may not realize he wears an anklet. Nikki gives JP a gift via a card with too many words it ends with “I love you” JP says “Thank you” and kisses her on the forehead, Nikki has ‘a sad’. The audience reactions are great, so many scowls, so many sad faces and my roomie and I are howling with laughter…I really have to try to get tix to that live audience someday; I want to soak up that atmosphere. JP leaves Nikki with a kiss and the wrapping paper on her bed and she dissolves into tears.

We get the obligatory shot of the Neil Lane box with the huge diamond ring, BUT we do not get the usual silly back and forth of Neil Lane and the Bachelor…foreshadowing. Turns out the Neil Lane scene was cut
Time for the final Rose ceremony and Clare arrives first, guess she was fully convinced by JP’s inane answers. Clare says “I know my dad would be proud” no girl, not if your dad watched this season. Clare tells JP that she is nervous and of course he says “It’s okay”. JP reminds us that Clare got out of the limo faking a pregnancy. None animated GIFJP says “I wish the earth sucked me today because this is the hardest decision I make.” Clare gets the I am prepared for the worst face and JP tells her he is sending her home, he goes in for a hug and she blocks him –
we get to hear the live audience applauding (something we have never heard before – which kind of goes with the thinking that E, I and a tonne of other people have had that the producers have given up on JP and do not care if he comes across badly anymore). Clare tells JP that after what he made her go through, she would “never want my kids to have a father like you.”

“Whoo, I am glad I didn’t pick her” so says JP and the audience goes “ohhhh”.

Nikki arrives – we see JP holding a rose and staring down at it. Nikki in her voice over says “he is going to be down on his knee looking up at me…I think today will be one of the best days of my life” poor deluded girl. Nikki tells JP that she loves him, and he says “I love so many things about you”. JP brings up Nikki’s dad telling him that he has to be a 100% sure and then says “I have a ring here in my pocket…but I am not a 100% sure that I want to propose to you, but I am a 100% sure that I want to be with you”.
Smooth G, way to get the girl, put the blame on her dad but still not have to propose to her…


Clare comes out first to much applause, roomie is still sticking this out I think he has been trapped. Clare reiterates that she gave JP an out and he never took it, he led her on. Clare will not tell us exactly what JP said to her but we know it was something sexual, the roomie and I just keep making up grosser and grosser encounters for her. Clare says she trusted the process, code for 'I was a moron for 2 months'. Chris asks Clare what kind of man JP was which dovetails nicely with my theory that the show is no longer protecting him. Clare is given the choice as to whether she wants to talk to JP or not, Sharleen looks bored at how long Clare is taking to say yes or no; she claims that telling him off in St. Lucia was closure enough for her. This seems fake, they have never before given the ‘rejected lady’ a choice, this has to have been something she asked the producers to do for her in advance.

JP comes out and the audience is not happy. Chris Harrison is not his usual coddling self. JP again tries that move of saying that he is private and will not talk about private things…cause you know you were not on a reality show with cameras watching you.

Nikki comes out and admits to still not knowing if JP loves her, they are still together. All the other girls look sorry for her. JP and Nikki are together on the couch and maybe it is my imagination but they do not look that comfortable together, she seems to dote on him but he seems cool towards her: In my head I hear George Michael “I will be your father figure.” JP keeps saying that Chris Harrison interrupted him and the crowd does not like that, the crowd loves Chris and clearly do not want JP to insult him. Chris clearly goes after JP and tells him that “he does not know what he is looking at”, JP repeats it as a question “You do not know what you are looking at?”. Jp says "Look at me" so often that I think of the Captain Philips trailer "Look at me, Look at me I'm the captain now"

 Nikki says things that would make sense in the real world, things like; people do not normally fall in love like this, others who have gone on that stage were probably lying about being in love. But, the flaw here is Nikki herself had said she wants JP to tell her that he loves her…soooo why are you still there then?

Chris reading my mind asks Nikki how long she will give JP – This has become the pile on JP show. JP keeps hinting to private issues but then refusing to explain them and of course repeats alot that he is a 100% honest.

The new Bachelorette is introduced and it is who we all knew it would be – Andi aka the girl who is supposed to be in the middle of a murder trial in Chicago but hey, important things must be done. We get B roll footage of Andi as the Assistant District attorney. Andi comes out to a standing O from the crowd.

When Nikki watches this season if she ever does she can enjoy these moments of her kissing JP

Juan Pablo Kiss

Her hair looks different here:
The Bachelor
and here
Juan Pablo Kiss
Guess she decided to darken it here
Juan Pablo Kiss
and then went even darker here
Juan Pablo Kiss
She looks like a completely different person here
Juan Pablo Kiss
And thanks to Todd Boudreaux    there is a supercut of all the crying on the Bachelor

No comments:

Blog Archive

About Me

My photo
Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.