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Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Bachelor recap or Have you had your break today?

Last weekend was the first weekend I went without doing any work at all…it was amazingly refreshing, I miss those weekends!

Looks like the Bachelor has already blown its budget on fancy places so we go to Warsaw, Indiana…and they are trying their hardest to make it seem cool…including giving Ben a shiny red retro truck to drive around in. He meets up with his parents at a diner and does the recap given to him by the producers so that they can show us each woman as they walk down a pathway.

In case you could not tell that it is fall the producers have the ladies play with fallen leaves to really sledgehammer the point home. Emily tells us that she would be happy to come here (Warsaw) and make babies with Ben, someone should tell her that he lives in Denver, and he tells us that often! 
Lauren gets the first one on one and has 30 minutes to get ready…this leads her to panic and say she needs "help to get ready." Look I am not the first guy to comment on how long some women take to get ready, I know the process is easier for me than for a girl, BUT, here the girls were already made up and in Ben’s presence so I cannot understand why she needed THIRTY MORE minutes!

One on One date
Ben claims that this date would be the type of date he would take any girl on. He is a liar! We find out that he was the High School QB (of course he was). Ben thinks that because there is no rose on the line the date will be less stressful for Lauren, he is also an idiot. He takes Lauren to the local youth center, that’s cool and all…but date material? Ronnie a kid that clearly does not care about Ben and Lauren makes a half-court shot to cause Ben and Lauren to kiss.
Ben surprises the kids with members of the Indiana Pacers (Paul George, George Hill, the team’s coach and the Mascot)…yup, just like any typical date.
Conveniently we have a kid crying and we get to see Ben comfort him… “these are some of my favorite moments” at the youth center “when you see a kid needing support” see earlier episodes of this season to realize that Ben thrives on the pain of others! 
Another one on one card arrives to the girls and JoJo gets it.
Ben tells us that he is not questioning Lauren anymore, so he takes her to his “local dive bar”…YOU DO NOT LIVE THERE ANYMORE! Lauren looks so glassy eyed in her confessional I begin to worry about her…this is partly my coworker K’s fault: she is trying to make me feel like the percentage of persons who go on reality shows and then kill themselves is so high that I feel like I am watching a death pool.
Overall a boring date. 
2nd one on one
Ben takes Jojo to Wrigley Field as anyone would on a date, except he takes her literally onto the field. There are jerseys made for them sitting on a railing one says ‘Ben Higgins’, the other says ‘Mrs. Higgins’ - makes me think the Cubs were not told for sure which girl would show up so they could not risk printing her name. It starts to rain while they are on the field and of course instead of running off the field they make out. Ben then takes Jojo up to the Wrigley Scoreboard and they get to adjust the board and make out…look Cub fans, when you do not win the World Series again for the umpteenth time, this is the moment you can blame!
Group date card arrives and by process of elimination Emily finally gets a one on one date, she breaks down crying.
Back to the one on one and there is a table set up in the outfield just for the 2 daters, look I am a cynic but for all my cynicism I would kill for a date with my girl in the outfield of Turner Field!
Jojo admits to being a bit afraid and Ben says he “question(s) to some extent (where her) feelings are.” We know that Ben needs a woman to feel vulnerable for him to feel strong! So Jojo opens up about problems in her past…this of course excites Ben. Jojo tells him that she is “still team Ben, more team Ben than I have ever been” she gets a kiss. “I like wanna give myself to Ben” (oh really?) “Because when I am with Ben I feel myself falling in love.” Hmm does this mean what I think it means?
Group date
The girls go rowing with Ben, well to be more accurate, 2 girls row themselves and one girl rows with Ben, but even that bit of ‘drama’ was boring. Ben points out to the girls that the rose is very important (“the most important so far”) on this date, and that the girl who gets the rose gets a one on one with Ben and the other girls have to go back to the hotel.
Amanda gets the first alone time, and they start discussing her kids.
Becca’s alone time is her telling him that she is scared about falling for him and then she tells him to basically cut her loose if he is not feeling it. “Just don’t blindside me” is her whispered plea to Ben. I think she is much more concerned with coming off looking good than ending up with Ben…just a thought. 
The girls keep talking about Ben saying that “this is the most significant rose to him” since the girl that wins the rose gets to take him home to see their family. Caila tells Ben that she does “not have super deep roots” so she doesn’t really have the same sense of community that Ben has. Ben asks her if she thinks she is stable enough to stay in the same place for awhile (the stable part gets me). Caila responds with “honestly I think I have been molded to be adaptable” strange turn of phrase but eh I get it…”I mean I could move a lot or I couldn’t, it is up to us.” Not wishy washy at all!
Time to give out that rose: “I am going to give the rose to someone that I want them to feel confident that I am ready to meet their family…that I want to meet their family…Amanda.” Ouch Caila, that has gotta hurt after that outpouring of ‘concern.’
Robot Becca starts to cry and says “I feel like I have gotten nothing from him…my family is important too.”
Caila’s turn to cry “part of me hopes that taking him to meet my parents is enough, but maybe that is not enough…maybe I am not what he is looking for.”

The girls return to the room to tell the other girls what happened and Jojo ever the pragmatist says “How can you give one person that much validation?” re Ben’s choice to give Amanda the rose and all that comes with it.
Becca continues to cry that her feelings have been hurt I continue to think she is not concerned about actual ‘love feelings; and more concerned that she will be hurt/look bad.
Turns out that McDonald’s has apparently decided to sponsor this evening’s episode, we see Ben and Amanda pretending to order [FROM THE ALL DAY BREAKFAST MENU (there McD’s I will help you more than Ben could)] and Amanda having to say that her kids love McD’s (everyone’s kids love McD’s Ben that is a dumb question to ask) then Ben awkwardly (thespian he is not) says “I have always wanted to work here (DREAM BIGGER FOOL) can we come back there and work?” and of course the McDonald’s lady says…YES! Then we see Amanda taking food orders in that baby voice of hers, if I pulled up (cannot tell last time I went to a McDonald’s…not a fan of seeing cooter punching)  I would be concerned to hear that voice taking my order.
The Bachelor has had many a time where they pretended someone has wanted to work somewhere, I have wanted to work at plenty of places, I have no problem with ANYONE earning an honest wage but I have a hard time believing that a mother of 2 and a guy desperately trying to become famous wanted to ever work at McDonald’s. And…how low rent has this show become? This was so blatantly an ad for the items available at McD’s that it felt less subtle than them just scrolling food names down the side as the show went on. I mean it was bad the last few seasons when they did the ‘Tide bleachable moments’ where they showed bloopers from the show as things peeps would want to bleach away, or where they pretended the contestant went to a salon and the salon used XYZ featured product. It was blatant and bad when they had Kevin Hart and Ice Cube show up to Ride Along with the contestants to promote ‘Ride Along 2’, but this? Come on McD’s I hope you get your money back, this was janky as hell and someone should get a week’s time out. Okay rant over…for now.

A customer pulls up “You are the guy from the Bachelor, what are you doing here?” See McD’s even the customers see the absurdity of this. I am sure the workers there love Ben describing Amanda working their job as “so good to see Amanda’s goofy side.” This is so dumb; these are the moments that when I finally quit this show for good will be the catalysts. Ben tells Amanda he has another surprise for her, I was really hoping the usual stupid concert would actually happen inside the McDonald’s. Turns out he is taking her to the fair and there is a crowd out to meet them, Amanda thinks it is great that all these people came out who love and support him…she does know this is for TV right? She probably does not. Look if I were on this show and told my dad I wanted to have a large crowd at an event he could get me a large crowd just from our church congregation that would mean NOTHING, I bet 90% of the people there (probably closer to 99% but I like safe bets) were seeing not just meeting Ben for the first time.

Amanda is talking about her date to Lauren and I start to fade out because the word ‘like’ is featured as a star!
Emily’s one on one:

They start out on a pontoon talking about swans.
Cut back to the hotel and the other girls are dissecting the potential date.

Caila’s claws come out “I don’t see Emily’s relationship as comparable to mine. Emily is a bright eyed puppy everything is new and exciting. But the thing is, she has so much to learn still, I don’t know if she is there yet.” Or less sanitized “Emily is not as good as me, she is a simpleton.”

Back to the date: and Emily gets to meet the family. Emily “talking to people for me can be a hard thing, I just get really anxious that I don’t make an idiot of myself” my brain initially omitted her saying the words “to people.” Emily says she will have to rely on her conversation skills.

 She gets some alone time with Ben’s mom, points out to the mom that she is one of the youngest and then starts talking a mile a minute like a kid who is afraid that once the adults start talking she will never get another turn. Ben’s mom has the glassy eyed look and repeated ‘uh huhs/mmhmms’ of a parent humoring a child…Ben’s dad to Ben “She seems a little young” cut to Emily repeating to the mom “I am young and I have so many goals and dreams I want to accomplish and I dreamed of being an NFL cheerleader for as long as I could remember…so Denver Broncos yeah!” (mom just nodding and probably wondering if she can still Ground Ben)…“I feel like I am so average at everything in my life but I have always known that deep down in my heart that I would be an above average mom and an above average wife.” (Inside Ben’s mom’s head has got to be images of torture and her mental conflict as to how far she can torture her son and still call it love). Mom – “I was very anxious to meet Emily she is definitely a very [pregnant pause and head tilt] fun individual.” “She is young, she is excited but I think she is a little young for Ben right now.”

Emily with the dad “I love watching movies, if I could sit around all day watching movies I would…what I don’t like? That is hard, I like a lot of things…I mean I don’t like vegetables.”

The mom pulls Ben aside, and is using the Socratic Method to tell Ben that Emily is still young and dumb. She starts to break down in tears when trying to find a nice way to tell Ben that he should not marry Emily. Ben’s mom is a lot like one of my exes, she can make anyone feel welcome while at the same time hardening her heart towards them forever.
Emily thinks it went well “I’m on cloud nine right now” - Ben probably answering a direct question from a producer “I love Emily, I think she is incredible, but, do I think right now she is ready to be a wife? I just don’t know if she is, I have a really hard decision.” That last part sounded dubbed like they couldn’t even use his original real response. Emily is still listed as ‘Twin’ for her occupation. Back on the pontoon boat Emily “where are we going, you are not taking me home already are you?” oh girl the hammer is coming LOOK AWAY! Ben takes her to a bench outside the hotel (manor/home they are all shacking up in) so the other girls can see him talking to her; they immediately start to analyze body language “She is happy.”
Ben, starts by saying that his parents loved Emily’s smile “they were amazed by your smile” this is the carrot before the stick. Now the voice drops, the tone shifts and the face gets stern “I just don’t think I can see you being my wife…and…it’s tough for me to say because you really have been incredible to me in every moment.” So she was incredible to you, but you thought the best way to let her go was by cuddling with her on a bench in front of the others in the house? Cut to girls inside “Is she sad?” “No, they were just talking.” Because you know, words can never make you sad. “Are you sure? It looks like she is sad.” Ben – “I hope that our relationship was good for you, because it was really good for me”…hmm we still talking about the dating experience? Ben lets her walk back in to tell the other girls and he takes off on the pontoon boat…bloody coward; Emily has to tell the girls the bad news by herself while he just sails off.
Rose Ceremony time:
Obvious Man Chris Harrison makes his rare appearance. OMCH sits on some steps outside with Ben and asks him “do you see yourself with the potential to fall in love with all of them…honestly?” This OMCH moment lets Ben know that there is one person that he does not see that with!

Three roses to give out and the girls are looking anxious, Lauren gets the first rose. Jojo gets the second because we knew the drama had to come from the Caila vs Becca drama since those are the only 2 who cried this week. Caila gets the rose, which is a move I agree with based on the parameters of this show, why on earth would you keep Becca when her whole thing seems based around her virginity and not wanting to risk getting hurt (not her virginity). To be clear, I applaud her virginal status, that is fine; making it a central theme is NOT fine…Even when getting sent home Becca’s words to him were “I told you not to blindside me” she just does not seem concerned about creating genuine feelings and attractions and prefers to remain Robot Becca. Now, has she gone far enough to be in contention to be Bachelorette? Yes. Do I want her to be the Bachelorette? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

A coworker of mine says “awesome” much too much, but the preview for next week with what looks like Jojo’s brother calling out Ben with “Ben you brainwash these girls way too much” does actually seem awesome!
The blooper reel shows us the girls freaking out from bugs and also how close in the camera men really are to them when they are talking ‘privately.'

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.