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Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Bachelor recap or...she lasted longer than anyone expected.

My cholesterol is down 20 points from my blood donation during the holiday season…Yeesh America Thanksgiving and Christmas are killing us. Now that my physical health has been confirmed to be intact, time to slaughter the mental health component…on to the show. 

Uh oh the show is going to Mexico - cultural misappropriation here we come! The ‘coming up’ in the show already has Jubilee crying and Olivia being mean, guess we are just going to run back some earlier themes!
Are we sure this is not our first salvo in the war against Mexico? If a Trump political ad runs during this show I will take it as a sign. We are striking at the Heart of Mexico we are taking on Mexico City and they are never going to see it coming…“Ooh pretty girls…no no stop, take them back America” too late suckers your country is now dumber.

Amanda gets the one on one date and Olivia who gets to sit away from the ‘couch of no-room’ looks like murder. Olivia tells us that she is surprised Amanda’s name is on the card “because she does have children…and I do not think that that is what Ben wants.” Let us not forget that Olivia has repeatedly told us this season that she can read Ben’s mind. 

4:20am one on one Date begins:
Ben you know that is not what peeps mean by 420 right? The show does that foolish move where the Bachelor goes and wakes all the girls up ridiculously early in the morning to surprise them. It always amuses me that the girls have to pretend that they are not incredibly pissed “I love that they all rolled with it” no Ben they all rolled with it because it is a competition show, try that if you were not the Bachelor and were instead competing for all these girls! Stupid moves like this are why we have more and more girls each season going to bed fully made up.

Off into a hot air balloon to start the date and look at the pyramids in Teothuacan (best believe I am not sure of that spelling) and Ben is spouting off info as if no one is feeding him the info. Oh what’s this an open field? Then we are definitely going to set up a fake picnic here. These two try to set a ‘like’ record: “I am trying to take this time for myself, like it is so unnatural for me…so coming here and like having to do that is like hard for me, like part of the reason is like you don’t know anything about me, like I told you about my kids and like you handled it so well but like I still get nervous to you know like tell you about my life.” Ben – “Like I do want to know you and like I do want to ask you questions.” In prep school (in the hood ‘THUG LIFE’) one of our teachers hammered into us “avoid the word like” it is okay to use it but if you try to avoid it you diminish your falling into the ‘like trap’. When I hear more than 2 likes in a sentence I cannot help but diminish someone’s intellectual capacity in my own head and this is from a man that sometimes falls into the Trini trap of saying “I find” too often in speech but ‘I find that the Bachelor franchise like, uses the word ‘like’ a lot, like you know what I am saying?’

Back to the casa (I know, I know you loved what I did there) and the Date Card arrives “Como se dice the way to a man’s heart” is the first line on the date card the young lady reading it reads it out loud like a child with their very first ‘Speak and Spell’. Lauren gets the one on one date by virtue of not being on the group date card…Olivia looks overjoyed for her.

Back to the one on one date and Amanda starts a sentence with “Uhmm, I think, I mean, you know…” that is the START of the sentence! She is in charge of 2 children, just saying. Turns out her man was cheating on her, and she found out by reading text messages he was exchanging with other women – the snark in me says he was just trying to talk to someone in complete sentences. Ben tells her that he is appreciative that she is here to spend time with him, “giving up on your time” (I really wanted him to say “your kids” not time); I say it every season but HOW DO YOU LEAVE YOUNG KIDS AT HOME TO DO THIS CRAP? I am always wary of critiquing parents, you never know the struggle from the outside looking in…but seriously?

Group date Ă  9 women:
Based on the date card the girls are expecting a cooking date, but instead they start with a Spanish language lesson. We get to see Jubilee getting madder/sadder throughout the date as other girls spend time with Ben. Jubes says in a confessional “does he even remember who I am?” Jubes you are the black girl he cannot forget you!
“I know Spanish, but I can always learn more” Olivia ever the humble one. Olivia tells us there is electricity between them “I don’t know if you noticed it” oh girl!

So now the girls go to a cooking lesson: but the recipes are in Spanish the girls are broken into teams of 2 with Ben as the wild card, Olivia takes charge and commandeers Ben as her teammate despite Jubes valiant effort to hold the fort and keep him to herself (she was in the military you know).

Emily’s job description is still listed as Twin! This show really does an amazing job of reducing women…I would take a stance and stop watching but…then the Bachelorette does the same to men so, equality I guess? Ben and Olivia go to get mint as one of their ingredients (did I mention the groups have to source their ingredients?) and they both pop it in their mouth, Emily (the fun twin) thinks that this is because Olivia’s breath “smells like $#%t.”

Date card arrives for Lauren H (I do not believe her listed age).

Ben talking about the cooking - “I am no longer the Bachelor I am the Spatchulor” yeah crickets.

The girls have to produce their dishes to the chefs who will judge, Jojo: “I am really excited for the Chef’s to taste my taco, Ben already tasted my taco, and he loved it (audible chuckle)…I know my taco is delicious it is just a matter if the chef thinks so too.” The chef says “your taco is very good.” My friend E, even before I got to see it pointed out this whole scene to me, dirty girl!!!

Olivia presents her dish to the chefs, it is Mole and she “decided to put some crickets on it” the sister chef whispers to her brother in Spanish “It looks like dog food, Nico” 
all while Olivia is proudly presenting it. Her irrational confidence is my favorite thing about her, “it is really good, our bread is buttered perfectly it is awesome” meanwhile it looks like this 
. Even while the chefs say “presentation wise it is not very appealing” she is saying “I think we got second” at least. Jubilee and Lauren B’s recipe gets massive praise from the chefs!

Evening portion:
Jubes tells us her plan is to grab Ben first of all the women, she FAILS, as Ben is finishing his initial toast/greeting Olivia says “Ben can I grab you?” Olivia’s move pays off as she gets the first kiss of the night. Lauren B goes on a tour of the city with Ben and while that is happening we cut back to Jubes arm folded and looking fierce – Did I mention she is a former soldier? 
Jubes is getting frustrated and starts to send others out to look for Ben. I do not think she is handling it well but I understand the frustration; when you are on a group date taking time to go on a walking tour of the city with one girl, kind of leaves the other girls with nothing to do. Ben finally returns and asks Jubes to go with him she says “let’s not hold hands because I do not want to make anyone else feel uncomfortable.” The other girls relay that as “Do you hear what she said? Let’s not hold hands.” Jubes makes it easy for them to hate on her but they certainly do kick it up a notch!

Jubes tells Ben her ludicrous point from earlier “Do you notice me, do I stick out at all?” UHMMM YES! There, please never ask that dumb question again. Quick tangent, I am pro women in the military, I am pro women on the front lines and I think it is absolutely stupid and paternalistic that only men should/have to register for selective service. BUT, when idiots try to come up with arguments that women should not serve, this kind of simpering, ‘whoa is me’ kind of reaction from a veteran (did I tell you she is a former soldier) is what those idiots point to. Okay back to the show – Ben is trying to get Jubes to open up.

Ben tells Jubes that he feels like she has been the one pulling away from him and points out to her that she wouldn’t even hold his hand. The other girls start to comment on how long Jubes and Ben have been gone (25 minutes is one claim). Jubes out loud says she “like you know overthinks everything” like we know Jubes! Ben asks her if she thinks there could still be something between them she turns it back around to “I just want you to tell me that you can still see something…” Ben tells her that it would be unfair of him to tell her that he thinks something could exist…well she asked. So Ben tells her “I think it is best that tonight we say goodbye.” Long time readers of the blog already know my feelings on how this show treats people of color, but here (even if the show does not try hard to keep someone like Jubes) she made it easy to send her home. When there are 11 persons to choose from why should someone have to spend their time stressing about catering to just one?

BUT now racial conspiracist me kicks in BACK TO BACK TO BACK weeks we lose the darkest colored peeps on the show? And we start the first episode of the first day of Black History month kicking off the black girl? Word? Word son, this is what we are going to be doing? Yeah you better cry Ben…we see you homie.

Olivia gets the date rose which shocks Jojo since she had just taken Ben aside to make out with him, using the trauma of Jojo going home as her in! I am proud of K and E for not immediately sending me texts or emails that Jubes was booted!

One on one date Lauren H:
Ben “What most people don’t know about Mexico city is that it is known for its fashion”…uhmm which is it Ben is it known or unknown? Ben takes Lauren H to a fashion week show and the organizers tell them that they are going to be a part of the show to which Ben reacts with ecstasy…hey I thought we were supposed to be pretending that he set this date up???????

Lauren gets to walk the runway and does the things that seem most important to her, not throwing up and not falling. K sent me a message that Ben seemed to take the task so seriously that it looked like he was auditioning for ANTM (I want to pretend that I had to look up what that acronym stood for).
The evening portion:
Lauren shares her painful story…her guy cheated on her; K sent me an email mocking it (“no way would I admit on national television that some guy played me for a fool”) she was right to do so. Lauren shared her story like it was a bit of trauma and Ben stares at her with a blank expression 
that makes me think he is thinking of puppies. 
 It gets her a kiss, but you knew it would.

Cocktail Party:
Olivia continues her cocky trend and rubs it in the other girl’s faces that she is safe. She plays a fake reporter holding her rose as a microphone in her confessional, now that Jubes is gone – Did I tell you that she is a reporter?
This High Five: 
Olivia calls Amanda “like an episode of Teen Mom” and in trying to make it better she goes further with “you know like that TV show?” She is not helping her situation. So to try to avoid seeming heartless she tries to cry, but the tears do not sway the Twin. The twin thinks it is time she tells Ben what she really thinks about Olivia “it might make us stronger as a couple.” She acknowledges that she might offend him and that if that happens it might mean it is time for her to go home. She goes from trying to sound like a calm person to breaking down crying almost instantly (or maybe edited to instantly). So while Emily is crying about how badly Olivia treats the girls behind Ben’s back, who should show up to interrupt? Well if you guessed Jubes you are wrong!

My feed degrades completely as Olivia starts to talk to Ben, I debate restarting the app but eh, do I really need to see Olivia’s facial expressions? Or Ben’s blank stare when he tries to process emotion? The feed cleared up before I had to make too many decisions. Olivia is giving Ben a gift while we cut to Emily calling Haley in her confessional and holding the speaker phone unnaturally. Emily is calling Olivia a bitch on the phone while quite literally ‘clutching her hand to her chest’; she appears as if she is trying to figuratively massage her heart!

Ben starts to question various girls about Olivia and they are all more than happy to throw her under the bus. OMCH shows up to tell Ben that it is time for the rose ceremony but Ben tells OMCH that he needs a moment and he takes Olivia aside. The girls start to wonder if her rose will be taken away…they say it like it is a break down in a nuclear arms treaty. We get the dreaded ‘to be continued’…and tonnes of tears - that is the thing I want the most! Oh and a great pose of Ben on a cliff!
 In the blooper reel we see Amanda showing Emily how to do a tequila shot, she says that she did one before the last rose ceremony, maybe this is why Emily is so emotional in this one?

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.