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Tuesday, February 09, 2016

The Bachelor recap Or the swimming swine are not the only pigs!

No personal story this week, Valentine’s Day is coming up and I cannot risk saying the wrong thing.

We start with ‘previously on the Bachelor’ it is a recap of Olivia so far this season. We return to ‘current’ with Ben taking Olivia aside. The girls quickly start to talk about whether or not they each  told Ben about Olivia.

Ben asks Olivia about what the women have been saying about her. She seems to have prepared for this moment, the tears seem almost rehearsed. Olivia returns intact and Emily in her confessional calls her tears “fake as F^$@” the girls try to question Olivia but she tells them she does not want to talk. Olivia gloating says they tried but couldn’t get her out “Come at me bro…everyone else can suck it” I now want to think that she and I could watch wrestling together.

So quick recap; the black girl that was funny(ish) and intelligent and served our country was booted on the first day of black history, the girl that no one likes and is a schemer stays on…

Obvious Man Chris Harrison who we really have not seen much of this season shows up to tell us the final rose is on the table…and it goes to the panicked twin Emily. Jennifer gets the boot and while leaving says her biggest fear was leaving without Ben getting to know her, baby girl the audience barely got to know you too.

Olivia tells us that she is “looking forward to the day that Ben Higgins is my husband”
The whole Troupe goes off to the Bahamas (come on Jamaica get this cheap tourism advertising). Caila gets the first one on one and it leaves a couple girls crying. Caila is beaming and letting us know how great it is that she is going on a date, if Jubes had done this the other girls would have cut her down so harshly.

One on one date:
And Caila dry snitches that other girls were jealous of her date time with Ben. They go deep sea fishing with Caila in a bikini as everyone does it. Cut back to the house and Leah is still bawling and lamenting that Caila has the date and she is afraid of going on a 2x1 date. Leah is threatening to leave and one of the Lauren’s is foolishly trying to comfort her and stop her…it is a competition show?
Caila catches a rather large fish and Ben makes her kiss it, not a euphemism.

Back to the date, Caila tells Ben that she cannot yet tell him that she is falling in love with him and then she brings up the trope of the whole season that “Ben is unloveable.” Ben hears this and says in confessional that this might mean that “Caila is going home tonight” of her own doing.

The Group date card arrives and the name announcement means it is Olivia vs Emily, I am so sure this has nothing to do with Emily being the first girl to tell Ben that Olivia is a problem.

Back to the 1x1 and Ben keeps questioning Caila as to whether she is falling in love or not, whether she wants to be there or not and Caila gives such a garbage response I cannot type it. Basically she does the hard to get routine and Ben swoons. She gets the rose. Caila smiling: “I think I confused the crap out of Ben.” Pretty sure this is when my coworker K texted me "Add Caila to the psycho list."

Group Date:
Leah continues to voice out loud her concerns. Ben tells them they are going to swim and chill on a boat, but thanks to all the previews even via ESPN (I cannot escape this show) we know he is lying. He takes them to an island filled with wild pigs. Ben tells them they are going to feed the pigs hotdogs and in a moment of intellect that I did not think these girls capable of, some of them realized that they might be “feeding the pigs 'pig'” Ben assures them that the wieners are chicken based, but we already know he is a liar!!!! He also told the girls that if they crossed their arms the pigs would stop chasing them…he was wrong there too.
Jojo - “This is like a bar in Dallas there are just pigs everywhere” based on what I saw when my friends were using Tinder there she might be right.

Emily gets to call her twin Haley, she is the only one who seems to get telephone time, it is clearly a set up so that we can hear her rant about Olivia.

Back to group date; Lauren B is taking up much of Ben’s time and this annoys the other girls: Leah (I think – honestly when the names are not on the screen I have a hard time telling who is who) says out loud that she quit her job to go on the show…am I supposed to feel sorry for her here? Ben says everything seems to be misfiring for him "here in the Bahamas." Ben tries to get Jojo to reassure him, he might have forgotten the show’s premise for a bit. 

Leah crying starts to tell Ben that she was hurt that he took Caila for another One on One date instead of her. Ben tells her she should make the most of her group date time with him, I wonder if all the women who thought he was such a ‘sweet guy’ continue to think so as the season goes on?

Evening portion:
Ben takes Becca off first he says “it feels like today you were a bit standoffish to me” she responds with “I was” the look on his face when she replied cracked me up. Becca tells him that he basically spent too much time with Lauren B and as you would in an ordinary relationship rewards him with a make-out session.

So Ben taking a hint from his Becca convo uses that as a starting point with the other girls coming along. He tells the girls to be open and honest with him…they of course are not. Leah pulls Ben aside and throws Lauren B under the bus calling her fake; she takes time to back the bus up to make sure the tracks on Lauren B are clear.

Ben immediately raises Leah’s concerns to Lauren B. This leaves her crying and she tells the other girls what Ben has said to her, Leah immediately says “I didn’t say anything” and continues to make claims that she did not have to make “I would never bring your name up” etc. etc. Amanda gets the group date rose.
Leah goes over to Ben’s room to talk to him more about Lauren B…but remember she would never do that: Her arrival ‘surprises’ Ben since he appears to just be sitting and staring off into space; like normal people do. Back at the hotel the other girls have discovered through the process of elimination that Leah had to have been the one to tell Ben that Lauren B is fake. Ben is not happy that Leah is taking all of her alone time with him to talk about Lauren B.  Ben tells Leah “that something just doesn’t feel right.” Leah is about to learn a valuable lesson “DON’T SNITCH” and if you are “informing” get it right, keep it succinct and then make out! Do these girls not do their homework? Do they not watch previous seasons? I barely started watching this show a couple years ago and I already know all the ‘rules.’

Two on One date:
And it starts off awkwardly as these things always do. Ben takes Olivia aside first. Oliva tells Ben that last week was scary and then she says things that I do not think she knows what they mean – “I am an introvert…deep intellectual things are just my jam.” She says that she has come to new realizations, Ben – “Like what” she stumbles then says “Like I am in love with you.”

Emily starts off with the passion arguments “I want to grow; I want you there for the new things I experience.” She says all of this while her face gets covered by her hair.

Olivia with her usual cockiness “there is a lot of pressure on this date for Emily” I love that she clearly does not consider the possibilities of other girls having a shot.

Ben takes Olivia aside while walking with the rose, and Emily looks crestfallen. Emily starts to say that she is feeling sorry for Ben. Olivia says she is sorry for Emily because Ben is now hers and she and Ben can now move forward. Ben tells Olivia that he cannot give her the rose and Olivia looks like she got hit by a brick to the face, it does not help that the wind is fiercely whipping around them and her nose and lips are super red.

Ben walks back to Emily with the rose while Olivia is forced to watch from a distance. Look I know peeps do not like Olivia, but this was a deliberately cruel move by the show and Ben. And then we have the scene where the boat goes off with Ben and Emily and Olivia is left standing on the beach by herself as if she has been marooned.
Even if you think the above scenes are solely producer driven Ben went along with them and Ben did not help to spare Olivia's feelings one bit.

Cocktail party time: Or is it?
Ben has OMCH go in to tell the ladies that he is not going to have a cocktail party tonight, if this is truly Ben’s doing and not the producer’s it is an asshole move since as a former contestant he has to know that this is time the contestants value greatly for last minute schmoozing. Becca who I truly think is trying to become the Bachelorette feigns concern. It is down to the 2 Laurens for the final rose and Lauren B gets the rose!

The blooper reel has a “bat” getting into the house with the resulting screaming from the ladies but I think it is just a large moth…yup we finally get a close up and it is just a moth!

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.