I am a very practical man, I know that most peeps are in
business just to get ahead no matter the costs of friendship, so when peeps at
work do shady stuff I just shrug it off and think in my head “I am better than
you.” I think of the last few weeks of
the Bachelor/ette shows like this, these girls are all ostensibly co-workers in
the business of manufactured love and they are all willing to cut each other’s’
throats.
JAMAICA, Ben’ describes it as paradise, he aint lying, even
though he sometimes seems to be pronouncing JAMAICA wrong.
We do the usual recap thing where Ben lists the names of the
women so we can get clips of them throughout the season. First Caila, Ben is
worried that she smiles too much and he might not be able to see beneath her
surface…that is a mild way of saying “I think she is fake.”
Lauren: “she is” and Jojo “she is” oh screw this just show
me clips of JAMAICA.
Caila says, “I have just got to remember to be myself” a
fake? Lauren “I just don’t know if I can do it”…telling Ben that she loves him,
Jojo would hate if her brothers were the reason she and Ben do not work out.
Back from commercial to JAMAICA and we have Ben doing the
walk of destiny down a jungle path. First up is Caila
Caila:
They raft down the Martha Bae River in JAMAICA the
conversation is dead! The rafts man looks bored, I feel you dread! They stop
off for some jerk pork and the conversation does not spice up (yeah yeah I
could not resist). Caila tells us that she cannot tell Ben that she loves him
because there are 2 other women there and it is really bothering her.
Night time – decision time:
Caila comes out swinging; she knows what is on the line. She
tells Ben that in all her other relationships she knew something was wrong, but
with him she knows everything is right so she tells him that she is in love
with him. He immediately kisses her (because this is his move when he doesn’t know
what to say); she says he doesn’t have to say anything because she can tell in
his eyes that he is in love with her. The kiss triggers the appearance of the
fantasy suite invitation. Caila does not hesitate or equivocate she is going to
use the heck out of that fantasy suite. They do what I always tell peeps they
should do - go out to the water in JAMAICA late at night, it is amazing, it is
magical and it is romantic… Ben “I could wake up in the morning and know that
Caila is the woman for me.” Does that mean he is going to judge it post sex?
Does her performance change his mind? To drive home the importance of the night
the show lets off fireworks because they are never content to just use mild
metaphors.
We return to the show with the happy couple still in
bed…this show is trying so hard to one day show us sex, I am genuinely
surprised a Bachelor/ette sex tape has not leaked yet. Ben kisses her goodbye.
Now because of the promos and his not saying “I love you” to her am I to
immediately believe she is a goner? This has robbed me of suspense!
Lauren:
They meet along the side of the road it looks like Ocho
Rios, Ben tells her he has a really great day planned? Really Ben, you planned
it? All the way in JAMAICA? I am from the island, I know where everything is, I
still have friends and business partners there and I have a hard time
coordinating dates and I am supposed to believe YOU, planned a whole day on my
island? And YOU knew where Gibraltar Beach was in JAMAICA and knew that you
could be there for the release of Sea Turtles? 3 of my friends work for the
Fishery and environmental departments and I have a degree in Zoology and I
couldn’t get this hook up in JAMAICA but tell me again how YOU set this date
up. And yes I know a strong portion of this rant is coming from jealousy…I
stand by it. If the sea turtle population in JAMAICA suddenly dips I will blame
this show!
Ben tells Lauren that he started crying when he was asked
what makes him good enough for her, he is putting in more effort with Lauren
than he ever tried with Caila. Caila girl I hope those bags are packed, the man
kept you there just to play with your anatomical fun house, the other girls are
here for the longer haul…but hey you probably get to be the Bachelorette.
The Night time is the right time:
So something you should learn about the JAMAICAN people, we
do not really like to fake many things, so when Ben and Lauren are joining a
pretend concert the show has a hard time featuring the other concert goers
because so many of those peeps look straight at the camera with stone faces. I
love it and I miss that about my peeps.
Lauren and Ben are trading off reassuring the other person
“no you are the best” “No you are the reason I am here.” The fantasy suite card
arrives and Lauren tells Ben she “is very excited to go” to the fantasy suite,
she couches it as time to get to know him etc etc…but we know what that is code
for. “I need to let all my walls down and really open up to Ben” I cannot even
decide if I am being juvenile or just accepting that the show is really trying
to play this kind of double entendre up. Lauren tells Ben that she is in love
with him and that he is the man of her dreams.
Ben tells here that he has “known for a while that I am in
love with you as well.” Lauren looks appropriately shocked! So she repeats “Ben
I love you” and he continues with “I love you too.” I wonder what kind of
heart-attack the onsite producer initially had when she/he heard Ben say
against script “I love you.”
See that people? That is the power of JAMAICA!
The next morning we get Ben saying “Honey
I made breakfast” and the show featuring clothes strewn on the floor – subtle. There
is more post coitus talk than Caila got, with Ben telling Lauren again that he
loves her, she didn’t respond to the long pause so he had to continue talking.
JoJo:
She runs up and they start making out. Jojo pretends that
she does not know what her brothers said to Ben. The helicopter budget kicks
back in…seriously compare this season against the Bachelorette, the
Bachelorette Leads are getting HOSED! They head to YS Falls, that is great for
me since I was just there 2 months ago, I love these little trips down my
memory lane of JAMAICA.
We get to see that Ben has a terrible tattoo and the blur of
his butt crack. Jojo tells Ben that when she thinks about the future she sees
him in it and that she loves him. Ben responds “Jojo I love you too.” It
catches her by surprise “Are you allowed to say that?” “I am not” and of course
they make out…I wonder how she is going to feel when she watches this back…less
than 24 hours before, he told the same to Lauren. Her brothers are going to
kill him, and Lauren is going to kill him when she realizes he said it to Jojo
much faster than he did with her.
Night time for the third time:
Jojo keeps telling Ben how shocked she is that he said “I
love you” back to her and that it means the world to her. Ben expresses concern
about the family dynamic so Jojo finally asks him about it. Jojo says she
wishes she could have stuck up for Ben with her family. An aside, one of her
brothers was on a reality dating show – the aggressive brother Ben (not to be
confused with Bachelor Ben) was on the experimental dating show ‘Ready for Love.’
Jojo straddles the middle well; she defends her brothers
while telling Ben that she is on his side. The fantasy suite card comes out and
Jojo says “I would love nothing more than to spend the night with you.” The one
flaw for me with this show now being in JAMAICA is that girls are going to
expect this JAMAICA when I take them home! Their suite has a private pool and a
private hot tub my home in JAMAICA just has a pool my parents never installed
the hot tub, we have the whole deck area for it…does that count? I blame them
for my lack of happiness! How am I ever going to find a wife if I cannot give
her some hot tub time?
We get another post coitus scene with breakfast in bed. But
we know thanks to previews that the harmony cannot last and I know through
spoilers from Elizabeth (yup you get the full name when you violate the no
spoiler rule) that Caila is returning to the forefront before the rose
ceremony.
Ben “but with Caila I couldn’t say it” he is talking about
his inability to say I love you to her, I know the producers are probably pushing
him to talk and say these things, but he is coming across like a jackass. Caila
tells us that she wants to see Ben because she wants to tell him that a
relationship with her is going to be full of fun and surprises…oh there will be
a surprise. So Caila goes to Ben’s villa and just roams around it looking for Ben
and then runs up to surprise him with a kiss from behind. She really comes
across like a little kid playing at being in love via a Disney fairy tale
rather than a grown woman in love. Ben by the way was just sitting in a chair
staring out at the ocean as one is wont to do when in an island paradise with a
bunch of cameras and producers.
Ben sits Caila down and we see the hammer being raised and
it is looking like it is starting to dawn on Caila that she might be the
nail…Ben hammers in that she is not the one by telling her that he is not only
letting her go but that he has told the other two women that he loves them and
that he cannot tell it to her. Caila might be the next Bachelorette but I hope
she does not continue the façade of “I do not think that I can be loved” Ben
did it last season and became the Bachelor if she becomes the Bachelorette we
will have another season of this being carried forward and it is just a fake
line!
Caila has a really classy exit for someone who was just
bouncing around and professing love, and just as I write that she stops the car
from leaving and comes out to ask “Did you know this week?” Basically she is
asking “did you sleep with me knowing that you were in love with the other
two?” right? It is a fair question and of course one that you will always think
about. Caila waits till the car to completely break down in tears. Ben is
trying to feign massive pain but I think he is just ecstatic that he does not have
to go through the pain and extra awkwardness of a rose ceremony. Caila is
telling us that she is ready and was willing to become Ben’s wife while the car
drives her back to her hotel but all I keep doing is looking at the places
through the car window and from the outside establishing shots to see if I
recognize the spots…I do! Never forget, Caila is the one that said that she could
tell that Ben loved her based on his breath!
Rose ceremony:
You know we still had to have one right? Things are not
official without a rose ceremony, plus the show did not spend all that money
for locations and setting up shots to just throw it away because Ben cannot
keep to the long-term script! Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) shows up to
talk to Jojo first, and then Lauren, I am not typing what he said because all
the questions were obvious.
The girls are standing side by side and Jojo breaks the
tension “it is just so weird that there are only 2 roses over there” she is
naturally nervous while Lauren is just blah. Jojo is also the first to notice
that Caila is missing. Ben finally appears. The roses are given out, the group
hug occurs and both girls clink glasses thinking they are the only one that Ben
has said “I love you” to.
Jojo again showing herself to be the smarter one says a part
of her is wondering if he said the same things to Lauren that he said to her.
Blooper reel:
They are learning more about releasing sea turtles and
tricking nature by releasing the turtles 2 hours earlier than they normally
would so as to increase their chances of escaping crabs. Just as this bit of
information is being revealed Ben is bitten by a crab…probably not the first
time someone on this show has been attacked by crabs.
No comments:
Post a Comment