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Wednesday, March 02, 2016

Bachelor recap or, no seriously I will never love you, leave now!


I am a very practical man, I know that most peeps are in business just to get ahead no matter the costs of friendship, so when peeps at work do shady stuff I just shrug it off and think in my head “I am better than you.”  I think of the last few weeks of the Bachelor/ette shows like this, these girls are all ostensibly co-workers in the business of manufactured love and they are all willing to cut each other’s’ throats.

 

JAMAICA, Ben’ describes it as paradise, he aint lying, even though he sometimes seems to be pronouncing JAMAICA wrong.

 

We do the usual recap thing where Ben lists the names of the women so we can get clips of them throughout the season. First Caila, Ben is worried that she smiles too much and he might not be able to see beneath her surface…that is a mild way of saying “I think she is fake.”

Lauren: “she is” and Jojo “she is” oh screw this just show me clips of JAMAICA.

 

Caila says, “I have just got to remember to be myself” a fake? Lauren “I just don’t know if I can do it”…telling Ben that she loves him, Jojo would hate if her brothers were the reason she and Ben do not work out.

 

Back from commercial to JAMAICA and we have Ben doing the walk of destiny down a jungle path. First up is Caila

 

Caila:

They raft down the Martha Bae River in JAMAICA the conversation is dead! The rafts man looks bored, I feel you dread! They stop off for some jerk pork and the conversation does not spice up (yeah yeah I could not resist). Caila tells us that she cannot tell Ben that she loves him because there are 2 other women there and it is really bothering her.

 

Night time – decision time:

Caila comes out swinging; she knows what is on the line. She tells Ben that in all her other relationships she knew something was wrong, but with him she knows everything is right so she tells him that she is in love with him. He immediately kisses her (because this is his move when he doesn’t know what to say); she says he doesn’t have to say anything because she can tell in his eyes that he is in love with her. The kiss triggers the appearance of the fantasy suite invitation. Caila does not hesitate or equivocate she is going to use the heck out of that fantasy suite. They do what I always tell peeps they should do - go out to the water in JAMAICA late at night, it is amazing, it is magical and it is romantic… Ben “I could wake up in the morning and know that Caila is the woman for me.” Does that mean he is going to judge it post sex? Does her performance change his mind? To drive home the importance of the night the show lets off fireworks because they are never content to just use mild metaphors.

 

We return to the show with the happy couple still in bed…this show is trying so hard to one day show us sex, I am genuinely surprised a Bachelor/ette sex tape has not leaked yet. Ben kisses her goodbye. Now because of the promos and his not saying “I love you” to her am I to immediately believe she is a goner? This has robbed me of suspense!

 

Lauren:

They meet along the side of the road it looks like Ocho Rios, Ben tells her he has a really great day planned? Really Ben, you planned it? All the way in JAMAICA? I am from the island, I know where everything is, I still have friends and business partners there and I have a hard time coordinating dates and I am supposed to believe YOU, planned a whole day on my island? And YOU knew where Gibraltar Beach was in JAMAICA and knew that you could be there for the release of Sea Turtles? 3 of my friends work for the Fishery and environmental departments and I have a degree in Zoology and I couldn’t get this hook up in JAMAICA but tell me again how YOU set this date up. And yes I know a strong portion of this rant is coming from jealousy…I stand by it. If the sea turtle population in JAMAICA suddenly dips I will blame this show!

 

Ben tells Lauren that he started crying when he was asked what makes him good enough for her, he is putting in more effort with Lauren than he ever tried with Caila. Caila girl I hope those bags are packed, the man kept you there just to play with your anatomical fun house, the other girls are here for the longer haul…but hey you probably get to be the Bachelorette.

 

The Night time is the right time:

 

So something you should learn about the JAMAICAN people, we do not really like to fake many things, so when Ben and Lauren are joining a pretend concert the show has a hard time featuring the other concert goers because so many of those peeps look straight at the camera with stone faces. I love it and I miss that about my peeps.

 

Lauren and Ben are trading off reassuring the other person “no you are the best” “No you are the reason I am here.” The fantasy suite card arrives and Lauren tells Ben she “is very excited to go” to the fantasy suite, she couches it as time to get to know him etc etc…but we know what that is code for. “I need to let all my walls down and really open up to Ben” I cannot even decide if I am being juvenile or just accepting that the show is really trying to play this kind of double entendre up. Lauren tells Ben that she is in love with him and that he is the man of her dreams.

Ben tells here that he has “known for a while that I am in love with you as well.” Lauren looks appropriately shocked! So she repeats “Ben I love you” and he continues with “I love you too.” I wonder what kind of heart-attack the onsite producer initially had when she/he heard Ben say against script “I love you.”

See that people? That is the power of JAMAICA!

 

The next morning we get Ben saying “Honey I made breakfast” and the show featuring clothes strewn on the floor – subtle. There is more post coitus talk than Caila got, with Ben telling Lauren again that he loves her, she didn’t respond to the long pause so he had to continue talking.

 

JoJo:

She runs up and they start making out. Jojo pretends that she does not know what her brothers said to Ben. The helicopter budget kicks back in…seriously compare this season against the Bachelorette, the Bachelorette Leads are getting HOSED! They head to YS Falls, that is great for me since I was just there 2 months ago, I love these little trips down my memory lane of JAMAICA.

 

We get to see that Ben has a terrible tattoo and the blur of his butt crack. Jojo tells Ben that when she thinks about the future she sees him in it and that she loves him. Ben responds “Jojo I love you too.” It catches her by surprise “Are you allowed to say that?” “I am not” and of course they make out…I wonder how she is going to feel when she watches this back…less than 24 hours before, he told the same to Lauren. Her brothers are going to kill him, and Lauren is going to kill him when she realizes he said it to Jojo much faster than he did with her.

 

Night time for the third time:

Jojo keeps telling Ben how shocked she is that he said “I love you” back to her and that it means the world to her. Ben expresses concern about the family dynamic so Jojo finally asks him about it. Jojo says she wishes she could have stuck up for Ben with her family. An aside, one of her brothers was on a reality dating show – the aggressive brother Ben (not to be confused with Bachelor Ben) was on the experimental dating show ‘Ready for Love.’

 

Jojo straddles the middle well; she defends her brothers while telling Ben that she is on his side. The fantasy suite card comes out and Jojo says “I would love nothing more than to spend the night with you.” The one flaw for me with this show now being in JAMAICA is that girls are going to expect this JAMAICA when I take them home! Their suite has a private pool and a private hot tub my home in JAMAICA just has a pool my parents never installed the hot tub, we have the whole deck area for it…does that count? I blame them for my lack of happiness! How am I ever going to find a wife if I cannot give her some hot tub time?

 

We get another post coitus scene with breakfast in bed. But we know thanks to previews that the harmony cannot last and I know through spoilers from Elizabeth (yup you get the full name when you violate the no spoiler rule) that Caila is returning to the forefront before the rose ceremony.

 

Ben “but with Caila I couldn’t say it” he is talking about his inability to say I love you to her, I know the producers are probably pushing him to talk and say these things, but he is coming across like a jackass. Caila tells us that she wants to see Ben because she wants to tell him that a relationship with her is going to be full of fun and surprises…oh there will be a surprise. So Caila goes to Ben’s villa and just roams around it looking for Ben and then runs up to surprise him with a kiss from behind. She really comes across like a little kid playing at being in love via a Disney fairy tale rather than a grown woman in love. Ben by the way was just sitting in a chair staring out at the ocean as one is wont to do when in an island paradise with a bunch of cameras and producers.

 

Ben sits Caila down and we see the hammer being raised and it is looking like it is starting to dawn on Caila that she might be the nail…Ben hammers in that she is not the one by telling her that he is not only letting her go but that he has told the other two women that he loves them and that he cannot tell it to her. Caila might be the next Bachelorette but I hope she does not continue the fa├žade of “I do not think that I can be loved” Ben did it last season and became the Bachelor if she becomes the Bachelorette we will have another season of this being carried forward and it is just a fake line!

 

Caila has a really classy exit for someone who was just bouncing around and professing love, and just as I write that she stops the car from leaving and comes out to ask “Did you know this week?” Basically she is asking “did you sleep with me knowing that you were in love with the other two?” right? It is a fair question and of course one that you will always think about. Caila waits till the car to completely break down in tears. Ben is trying to feign massive pain but I think he is just ecstatic that he does not have to go through the pain and extra awkwardness of a rose ceremony. Caila is telling us that she is ready and was willing to become Ben’s wife while the car drives her back to her hotel but all I keep doing is looking at the places through the car window and from the outside establishing shots to see if I recognize the spots…I do! Never forget, Caila is the one that said that she could tell that Ben loved her based on his breath!

 

Rose ceremony:

You know we still had to have one right? Things are not official without a rose ceremony, plus the show did not spend all that money for locations and setting up shots to just throw it away because Ben cannot keep to the long-term script! Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) shows up to talk to Jojo first, and then Lauren, I am not typing what he said because all the questions were obvious.

The girls are standing side by side and Jojo breaks the tension “it is just so weird that there are only 2 roses over there” she is naturally nervous while Lauren is just blah. Jojo is also the first to notice that Caila is missing. Ben finally appears. The roses are given out, the group hug occurs and both girls clink glasses thinking they are the only one that Ben has said “I love you” to.

Jojo again showing herself to be the smarter one says a part of her is wondering if he said the same things to Lauren that he said to her.

 

Blooper reel:

They are learning more about releasing sea turtles and tricking nature by releasing the turtles 2 hours earlier than they normally would so as to increase their chances of escaping crabs. Just as this bit of information is being revealed Ben is bitten by a crab…probably not the first time someone on this show has been attacked by crabs.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.