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Monday, March 21, 2016

Bachelor recap or Beware Jamaica will make you fall in love vol.2.34

There is a commercial I really hate on TV; it is pandering to men and women (which is a rare feat). It is the Miller light ad that features a woman who has been invited to a Chardonnay party but instead is going to buck the host’s wishes and bring BEER to the party under the guise of she would “bring a sledgehammer to a thumb tack.” That is already bad enough, if I invite you to a party follow my bloody wishes but on top of that the beer she chooses as the one to make the point is MILLER LIGHT? That is like telling the host “Not only do I not care about your rules/wishes but I also want to pee on your couch.” I would kick you out of my Chardonnay party if you showed up with that swill. You can show up to a Chardonnay party with another type of wine under the guise of “hey let’s try this” or “I do not drink Chard but I still wanted to drink wine with y’all” or you can just not show up, but YOU BEST NOT BE ENTERING MY WINE PARTY WITH MILLER! “She brings a flamethrower to a bonfire…she brings Miller Lite to a chardonnay party…GTFOH”
Mini Rant over, time for the show:

Aw crap we are still playing this foolish game of watching it alongside of a live studio Audience? Ben’s pastor is there and we see him looking into hisbible and taking notes, because we needed that proof. I hope he is looking up the passage that will excuse this moment, I suggest Isaiah 41:10 (look it up you heathens). And how much am I supposed to buy this guy as Ben’s pastor…Ben lives in Colorado now, we can stop pretending! 

We return to JAMAICA, the island is beating Lauren up and apparently causing her to crinkle her eyes into the sun…or because the producers will not allow her to use sunglasses. JoJo got to use more makeup for her ‘natural’ look.

Ben tells us he is in love with 2 women and he does not know how to handle it. 
Ben’s parents get the free trip to JAMAICA and they are beaming. Ben’s mom looks concerned that he has told 2 women that he loves them; the dad looks like he is wondering if it is too soon to start drinking the rum.

Ben’s mom uses words that I am sure will comfort Jojo when she watches this “Ben did say that he loves Lauren, but he talks like he loves ‘this other’girl too.” Nothing like being the other girl to feel great! The mom calls it disturbing that Ben loves 2 women…but coming on a show with dozens of girls, that part was okay? Lauren tells the parents that she told Ben on the first date that she wants to meet his parents, she pretends it was spontaneity, I suspect calculation.

The dad pulls Lauren aside, and he asks her if she is in love with Ben, she of course says yes. Time for the mom to try to stump Lauren; the mom says that Ben is his worst critic. I cannot even imagine my parents talking to these girls they would ruin these poor girls and they would not care that it is on camera. I guess that is why peeps like me are not on these shows. No way does my dad lead with a softball like “are you in love with CaliJ?” He would probably say something more like “Are you emotionally damaged, why on earth are you trying to date this boy?” And that is IF they even bothered to show up for the taping. 

Lauren tells Ben that she is “totally ready to get engaged” right after telling him that marriage is so important for her because she is only going to do it once. Maybe she meant once on camera?

JoJo shows up looking very nervous and she confesses it to the parents. Ben is one of those guys that tells his parents way too much about his love life explaining that they took a helicopter ride to the Hoover dam but they didn’t see much of it, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. BARF!

JoJo gives the dad a much better answer than Lauren since he gave her an essay question basically; “tell me everything you like about my son and why.”
Ben’s mom tells JoJo that Ben described her as “safe” she seems nonplussed. Safe is something you say about a Volvo, safe is not sexy. The mom seems to really like JoJo.

Ben’s parents seem to be agonized by the decision making process, but for a family that faith is supposedly so important to no one mentions God’s guidance? Does the show warn them not to say anything, or does it cut out religious references? My parents wish God’s guidance to me when I am trying to make a decision like what day to fly home and this kid is going to pick a wife, (and ‘his pastor’ is going to show up) and no one thinks to look to God?

Lauren meets Ben on a catamaran and I think, “This is the way to do island life…if you are fabulously wealthy.” Ben’s convo with Lauren feels like I am listening in on someone who just learned English and is struggling to make sure they use the correct words to convey meaning. 

In the evening Lauren is rocking a dress and Ben shows up in a pullover, A. it is a hot tropical island playa and B. dress up a little man, yeesh. I am missing much of this terrible dialog because I am busy searching Catamaran trips in JAMAICA and wondering if it would be terrible of me to take one out solo! Ben tells Lauren “No matter what happens, you have made me a better person” – great so if he picks JoJo, Lauren has the satisfaction of knowing she improved him for her? This of course leaves Lauren afraid, so we are back to the early season move of Ben shattering the girl and then trying to comfort her.

The good thing about these stupid ‘live studio look ins’ is that I can get through this show faster. “It’s not that Lauren has taken a step back, it is that JoJo has stepped up.” Seriously this kid is going to have a lot of explaining to do to the one he ends up with. JoJo says “they are very friendly here in JAMAICA” yes, yes we are, but that dude who was chasing your car and yelling “Welcome, welcome” just wanted your tourist dollars. Ben takes Lauren to the Blue Hole, great now we have to repair that place! If they wanted to make it the authentic Blue Hole tourist experience they would have had a guide pestering them to show them around.

In the evening, Lauren is wearing an outfit that make me think she is wearing plenty of tape and the post production coordinator (my former job gotta give it a shoutout) was probably panicking making sure that nothing needed to be blurred. E texts me to point out that Ben’s date with Lauren was terrible and that the date with JoJo is going so much better…bear in mind this is even though this date has Ben constantly sighing, stuttering and putting his head in his hands because he cannot express himself.

Ben and Jojo go into the bathroom to escape the cameras, they know they are still mic’d right? I guess not…JoJo again showing that she is smarter (or savvier than Lauren) says to Ben after he tells her “I love you” “but you told her that too didn’t you?” to which he had to say yes. 

A Heidi Klum ad comes on that fascinates me but I would never want anyone to see me watching it.

Neil Lane gets to make his trip to JAMAICA to bring us some gaudy rings and to ask Ben if he has chosen someone, Ben does his usual answer of putting his hand to his head and not using words. Ben says, “Looking down at the ring, I know who I am going to propose to” I guess something about the ridiculous ring triggers thoughts of her? Does that mean she likes looking like a clown? That ring is gaudy as all hell.

JoJo’s dress throws me for a loop it is one step away from a ghetto prom dress, but she is so pretty she is ‘pulling it off’ I think? The Bachelor has not exhausted its helicopter  budget so both girls get helicopter trips despite being on an island that you can drive from one end to the other in under 4 hours…just saying (during the time of filming the new Highway had not opened yet, so now they could do it in under 3).

JoJo and her prom dress arrive first, her voice over has her telling us how much she wants to spend the rest of her life with Ben, I feel like she is about to be slaughtered. JoJo is holding hands with Ben and trying to talk her way into love “it’s crazy to think that in a couple months you have become my best friend and the man I love.” Ben if you are not going to pick her, why let her get that whole speech out? You do not care about someone if you let her expose herself like that and not just let her go. Ben tells JoJo that re love “I found it with you [pause] but I found it with someone else more.” Jojo’s face at this moment: Tell me again how nice a guy he is? E and I are now battling over text about the ring; I think it is so gaudy even a rapper wouldn’t rock it I am now seriously wondering if I could/should buy her a cracker-jack ring for her next birthday, but I do not want to spoil her.

So Ben has told Jojo that he loves another woman more than her but continues to hold her hands and tells her he does not want to let go…really bro? “Can I walk you out?” “If you want to.” Hmm Ben cut himself shaving! How do I know this, because while he is inappropriately hugging JoJo too long we get a close up of the side of his face, again, this is the girl you are dumping…let her go. Jojo’s dress suffers in the daytime; I think it would look so much better at night where it could sparkle under lights but not have the beading show up as it does in bright sunlight. 

Ben calls Lauren’s dad for his permission - that is going to be an expensive call, hope he has international roaming. The dad gives him his blessing and Ben whoops. ..via text E points out something I missed “Her dad said have a great night (wink wink)” I feel like Jojo should have known she wasn’t getting picked when she arrived so early in the day…but hey the heart can trick the brain.

Lauren tells Ben “I love you” repeatedly and Ben pauses and you can see the panic in Lauren’s face. Lauren of course says yes to the proposal. They repeat to each other “you’re my person” over and over again (so this cheesy show is ripping off lines from another cheesy show? Grey’s Anatomy for those scoring at home…and yes that show is STILL on, and still getting good ratings, ShondaLand is strong! )

Another couple tricked by the magic of JAMAICA.

Let’s see if I can survive this ‘After the final Rose’ junk show:

I really do not like Ben’s pastor and that is with knowing NOTHING about the man, I just hate that he is constantly holding the Bible as a prop!

JoJo comes out and Ben continues to prove that he is not the smoothest - “My life has moved on” he is trying to explain that the Bachelor moments with JoJo are over. Jojo tells us that she is good friends with Lauren and “that she is an amazing person.”

JoJo tries to explain her life right after leaving JAMAICA, she said watching the show helped her a lot in putting the pieces together to move on. I would like to think she is now thinking she dodged a bullet.

JoJo is identified as the new Bachelorette…about that diversity thing that the producers promised? Another southern girl – nope that is not diverse. Another white girl – that is not diverse. Another girl with a vague job description – nope that is not diverse. This show cannot even pretend to care can it? I don’t even hate the pick of JoJo she will do fine, I hate the pretense that they were going to go diverse and then gave us much of the same it felt like they were pandering especially coming off the ‘Women tell all’ where they pitted ‘blacks against each other’ and told the black girl “You are complicated.” The racial dog whistles are already very strong with this show, why antagonize and tease the fan base so much more.

Apparently JoJo has said that her mom is Persian could the show really be claiming this as the diversity? Look I know there are peeps that claim that if minorities are put on the show the ratings will go down…well how about we test that? Some of the strongest properties on ABC have strong minority leads and if you think I am kidding, check out the ratings for Scandal, How to Get away with Murder, Quantico, Fresh off the Boat, Black-ish and Grey’s Anatomy. Now check out the ratings for some of their predominantly white programming (I will not shame those shames by naming them) but let’s just say Texas Oil programs did not fare well this year on TV. Minority, led, driven and featuring shows can do well, have done well and are doing well, so let us stop pretending that the country is not ready for it. 

I pretty much glossed over Lauren’s arrival on the stage it was as vanilla as it has always been, cutesy smile, childish giggle, avoidance of big words. Maybe Lauren is secretly sesquipedalian but nothing I have seen this season shows it!

Then there is a segment with Jimmy Kimmel overacting and every one having to over-laugh to get the segment over.

So Ben’s minister is brought out to call Ben’s bluff that he would marry Lauren immediately, and he continues to hold the bible as a prop. It disgusts me; I know it shouldn’t tick me off this much, and I think it is me coming at it from such a personal place as the son of a minister but the bible should not be a prop to sell your authority! Instead of doing the wedding Ben brings out Lauren’s family for a re-proposal…note earlier he said they wouldn’t do the wedding because they needed to do it in front of family and friends but in his re-proposal (reprosal?) he points out “In front of your family, and my family and friends…will you marry me?” Uhmm so all your family and friends are there? I obviously do not think he should be pressured into instant marriage but come on don’t make that the excuse then immediately produce all the family and friends.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.