Bachelor Episode 2 or #Champagnegate

Working and watching the Bachelor, hope I do not lose too many brain cells.

We return to Hannah Brown and Peter crying in each other's arms. Hannah sits on Peter's lap and kisses his forehead. While they are doing this the girls on the group date are actively speculating and worrying that Hannah will join the show.

 

Peter finally pulls away saying "I cannot do this" then hugs Hannah back in. A podcast I listen to let me in on a dirty little (non) secret, Hannah was still filming 'Dancing with the Stars' at that time which meant there was no way ABC was going to let her damage one property to join another property while filming…this doesn't mean she will not reappear later, but she couldn't join the show at that moment.

 

Peter pulls the group date girls to talk to them and lets them know that he cannot continue the group date because he is not in the correct headspace after seeing Hannah. One of the black women calls out Peter for cutting the date short for Hannah (sadly I really do not know these ladies' names yet and thanks to working cannot pay enough attention, so I will have to use features until I catch up) she is not wrong. A bad move by the black woman is to continue to harp on the cancelled date behind Peter's back with the other women that is a strong way to have the others snitch on you and make you sound bad in the background.

 

Peter spends much of his time in the one on ones apologizing to the girls – Sydney gets the date rose (looked up from a spreadsheet just in time to see her name in my closed captions). Mykenna is supposed to be a certain age that I just cannot believe and she also occasionally speaks about herself in the third person, Cali-J is impressed by that.

 

One of the girls has had a bottle of champagne that she apparently kept on a counter at home for about a year waiting for a good moment (quick aside ALWAYS JUST DRINK YOUR CHAMPS celebrate life not moments) , so she has brought that special bottle to the mansion. She wants to take Peter aside but as she is approaching Peter, Mykenna takes Peter away. She decides she wants to confront Mykenna about this, as Mykenna tries to stick up for herself she gets cursed at by the girl whose name I still do not know. Stupidly the bottle of champagne was left outside by a fireplace in a bucket with a blanket so of course Peter is walking by with a different girl sees the champagne and he and the other girl (Hannah Ann apparently) shake the bottle up and pop it just as the champagne girl (I will eventually learn her name…I think) is talking to the other girls inside the house some of whom wisely ask her where/why she left her champagne unattended? Peter goes to look for her because Kelsey (told you I would) came by to look once  (well not immediately, initially she and other girls sat there thinking the pop could not have been THE bottle) she heard the pop and immediately started crying and walking off. Peter tries to talk to her but she Kelsey refuses to let him in the bathroom, so he walks back to hang with Hannah Ann since Kelsey didn’t want to talk to him. Kelsey then walks up and she starts screaming at Hannah Ann and accusing Hanna Ann of deliberately trying to steal her moment. Peter finally gets Kelsey to talk and of course they run into another bottle of champagne because this is the Bachelor house after all. So Peter and Kelsey pop the new bottle and because "Kelsey says she is "not a classy bitch" all the time they decide to drink from the bottle which cause the champagne to bubble up and squirt all over Kelsey's face embarrassing her some more. I know somehow the producers set this up (like guiding Peter and Hannah Ann towards the first bottle) but I still delighted in how well Kelsey fell into the trap and looked "like a hot mess and she needs to go home" said by (the Asian woman?) Seriously for the first few weeks these girls should never be on camera without their names superimposed for lazy viewers like me.

 

Rose Ceremony:

The Black girl who called Peter out at the group date is Natasha, she gets a rose, I happened to look up just as she was getting it, closed captions for the win!

There is an Alexa on this show, how do I know, because Peter said her name to give her a rose and my smart speaker just spoke back to him!

Of course there is last rose drama with Kelsey getting the last rose, as she is strategically placed side by side with Hannah Ann.

For the final toast the group offers to let Kelsey make the toast and she refuses claiming it would be better for her to keep her mouth shut, she looks tremendously petty and childish.

 

Group date time:

The girls get to meet Carson Kressley, Janice Dickinson and the owner of Revolve clothing. I have such a great Janice Dickinson story but I feel like the decency statute of limitations (on my part) has not completely expired so I can only tell that story in person.

The girls are going to have to pick out clothes and walk a runway, one of the girls (again I am still learning names) is having a breakdown about this task. Surprisingly Kelsey is the girl that comes to help her – Sober Kelsey > Drunk Kelsey.

Of course Mykenna is loving the opportunity to walk a runway.

Victoria F. is still freaking out and chugging wine to overcome nerves (see if I am looking up at the right time I learn the names…okay that is a lie, by next episode I will probably be back to saying 'one girl' 'X girl' blah blah.)

Hannah Ann wears a wedding dress out on to the run way as Victoria F continues to freak out.

Victoria finally walks out on to the runway and of course owns it!

Kelsey takes a bottle out to the runway and gives it to Peter with a "We will be drinking this later!"

Victoria F's second outfit is lingerie under a black trench and she pulls Peter to the runway for a kiss in front of the crowd and the shocked girls – "I was really scared to do lingerie but I am glad I did because it set me apart from the other girls. YES I am {expletive deleted} hot!" (Sure girl this is the first time you thought you were hot).

 

 

The final 2 girls are Hannah Ann and Victoria so they are in a final walk off! Victoria "Watch me {expletive deleted}win this bitch!" Easy now cocky tiger, Hannah Ann wins the walk off which leaves Victoria in tears, except say it with me HANNAH ANN IS A PROFESSIONAL MODEL, she was in her element, her win gets her everything from Revolve, 40 bags of clothes, the over practical packer in me immediately thinks "I hope the show is paying to send it home cause that is impossible to pack."

 

In the evening portion of the date Victoria is telling Peter she is not sure the show is worth her mental health.

 

Kelsey gets a special champagne date with Peter who says he has been chilling the bottle all day for them.

Hannah Ann decides to tell Peter that Kelsey is a bully, she claims that she was unable to sleep all of the night before because of the stress of it.

Peter gives Victoria the group rose and then immediately asks to speak to Kelsey on the side, Peter lets Kelsey know that Hannah says she is bullying her and that she has called her a "bitch" "fake" and a "princess." Kelsey says she is not bullying Hannah and that she has been bullied in the past so she would never bully "there is a difference between me saying not nice words to her face and bullying." Kelsey goes back to the other girls crying "apparently I am bullying some people" but refuses to take the suggestions of some of the others, "why don't you guys go and talk it out?" Will she last past the next rose ceremony…tune in next week.

Bachelor Peter Episode 1 or How Hannah B took over my show

If you have a fear of flying puns, this is not the episode for you.

 

This show wants me to handle three hours of it? Thank God for DVR.

 

Alexa is up first and she is an esthetician so the show makes sure to show her waxing and talking about waxing a vagina.

Next a model, then Tammy who fought her way on to the boys' wrestling team in highschool.

One girl (Kelley) from a family of lawyers has already met Peter.

For many of these girls the hook is that Peter would allow them to travel…

 

As the limo pulls up someone asks the default stupid question "Is this real life?"

 

A few of the girls struggle with the word 'literally' for instance "He looks like a doll, Peter is literally a doll!"

 

"But because I am a flight attendant, I have something different"…followed by a dozen more flight attendants…" I am here for the 'flight' reasons." Hate that I chuckled at that.

 

Peter looks a little embarrassed at all the forced puns he has to make.

Of course there are a tonne of gimmicks including a girl coming in on a mini airplane tricycle who thinks she has won the gimmick battle, only for a girl to be wheeled in in a suitcase!

 

A tonne of people bring up "4 times" the alleged amount of times he and Hannah had sex in the windmill.

 

"…you have to know about me, I have a very dry sense of humor, but that's about the on…(cracks) that's the only…(cracks) thing dry about me."

 

An emotional support cow is brought in by Ashley P. Which some girls call a pony!

 

Kelley sees it as a sign from God that she met Peter in a hotel lobby the month before.

 

Hannah (former bachelorette) exits a limo to screams. She and Peter have a super awkward exchange as the other ladies panic that Hannah is returning, she is only there to return the wings that Peter gave her the first night they met.

 

Hannah Ann gets the first kiss and many of the other girls get to see it!

Peter gets handcuffed and it leads to a make out!

 

Natasha "There are some cats and some rats" said after Mykenna threw a paper plane to break up Natasha and Peter's time. Of course Natasha considers herself "a cat" and thus she goes off to get one of the massive prop paper planes to present to Natasha and Peter then says  it is just for Mykenna to "fly away on it." As Peter and Mykenna make out Natasha stands in the background yelling "tick tock."

 

Hannah Ann becomes the girl who constantly interrupts the time other girls are having with Peter, this flummoxes Shiann who takes Hannah aside and then seems tongue tied by Hannah's boldness.

But, Hannah Ann's boldness gets her the first impression rose (her being a model didn't hurt).

 

Not getting the first impression rose leads Mykenna to tears.

 

The first rose ceremony has a tonne of tears, side eyes and names I cannot remember. Many of the post rose ceremony tears are in bright sunshine, showing how long they taped throughout the night.

 

The first group date is of course centered around flying, the girls are being put through "flight school" and apparently athleisure wear is needed for this.

There is a gimmicky obstacle course that Kelley wins by cheating and of course the show lets it stand…front runner status right there. Kelley pretends that she didn't mean to cheat on the course but come on it is an obvious cheating attempt and she gets to ride with Peter for a sunset plane ride (sigh Lawyers!)

 

Once Kelley returns from her date the girls call her out for cheating at the obstacle course, Kelley smartly does NOT apologize. Kelley in a confessional says it is good that the girls do not know that they are at the hotel that she and Peter met in a month ago.

 

Madison gets the one on one with Peter and he takes her to his parents vow renewal, this feels like a smooth way to get the Bachelor to pay for your parents' special event. Of course Madison catches the bouquet.

 

Tenille Arts is this week's "I think I know that name" performing artist (but in my case I think I just know the name because a wrestler has that name) proving my guess of the show paying for the vow renewal, Peter's family gets to dance along to the 'performance.'

 

The second group date has the ladies meeting Peter in Hollywood. Peter says his date is being planned by a very good friend and of course it is Hannah Brown, the ladies are not pleased to see her. Hannah is on stage and there is a windmill behind her as Hannah tells a story of "this guy" she used to date and of course it is the windmill story. The girls are concerned that Hannah has not moved on from Peter.

 

The girls are right to be concerned because, Hannah is crying over Peter and he goes to comfort her. Peter "what would you say if I asked you to come be a part of the house?" Hannah sounds like she wants to get back in the house, and Peter wants her to be back in the house…Hannah let's slip that she thought during her season that Peter wanted to be the Bachelor.

I return to Bachelor Blogging!

“So I’ve only kissed 4 guys that were my boyfriend…I am not a virgin” I find that sentence so suspicious A. who counts how many people they have kissed and B. was that her leaving an out if a 1000 guys respond “We kissed her” or a 1000 girls…she can always respond with “I said ‘that were my boyfriend’ I didn’t lie!” 

One of these girls has a mom coming fresh out the federal pen…it might be the only thing interesting about her. 

A lot of peeps were apparently annoyed at how long the show took to start BUT that is for those of you still crazy enough to watch this show live…I have never and could never watch this show live, more power and prayers to those of you who can.

“I have not dated a virgin since I was 12” this is the first intro and I suspect the night is going to just get worse. Plenty of cheesy intros like fake butterflies emptied on to the ground to say “I have no more butterflies,” play on names “be the Juan,” popping a balloon shaped like a cherry “to pop your cherry,” pulling a card with a V on it “Took your V card,” giving him a “Sweet Georgia peach,” coming out in a sloth costume - this one broke me and I had to take a temporary gym break. 2 beauty queens are here from the same competition – this is serious. A wardrobe stylist pulls up in a cop car. Many of the girls speak a second language/have an accent so Bri fakes an Aussie accent. 2 girls have on the same dress. One presents him with a dog and yet another comes in a horse drawn carriage and gives him a slipper thus getting the chyron job title of ‘Cinderella.’

Looks like there was a proposal at one of these watch parties but I refuse to confirm by slowing down my DVR as I speed past these wasted moments. 

The girl who brought the dog interrupts Colton and other girls one on one time 3 times for 4 encounters. 

There is a teary eyed retrospective of Chris Harrison’s time as host…is he dying?

The rose ceremony occurs and Catherine the girl who brought the dog and kept interrupting gets the final rose, this feels like a clear producers’ pick.

Bachelorette recap after the Bachelor season has ended

Yes I am that far back, my DVR has the Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad and the Bachelor saved.

It has been months since I saw the 2nd to last episode of this show, I barely remembered these guys at first and my DVR says this show is 179 minutes, but thankfully it looks like much of this is the "watch with a live audience junk" so I can skip sections.

When we finally get going we are with Rachel and Peter (I forgot his name) and he is trying to find out how Rachel will feel if he does not ask her to marry him.
Anyway they take the fantasy suite invite and we see the next morning bed clothes/hair and shirtless guy.

Up next is Bryan and he and Rachel go wine tasting. Rachel exhibits reservations that she claims are a result of Peter. They say yes to the fantasy suite and we get the next morning with the bed scene and the shirtless guy.

Rose ceremony time and Bryan gets the first rose, then Peter and I cannot help but think that maybe Eric should not have worn a T-shirt with a suit. Eric handled his rejection with grace and class.
Eric is brought out to talk to Rachel and the crowd goes nuts for him.

Back to dating and Rachel and Bryan are boring together in a hot air balloon: Confession, I passed out through some of this date and accidentally hit the letter 'L' on repeat over some of the prior paragraphs, I am too tired/lazy/bored to go back over and edit so I just deleted all the Ls and left it because by the time I caught it all I was past the ctrl z to repair point.

Peter and Rachel go to a monastery and this show continues its tradition of casually blending in religion with this show's aesthetic. Peter continues to mention that he is afraid of divorce (I feel him here, though we diverge on how we get to the final destination). Peter tells Rachel that he does not think he can ask for her hand in marriage tomorrow. Peter feels like he does not know the premise of this show. It also feels like Peter stuck around just to hit it...and once that 'task' was achieved he didn't need to stick out the 'painful parts.'

Back to Rachel and the studio audience and OMCH plays for a super awkward long pause.Peter comes out to talk and nothing new is gleaned. It feels like the show's big push is to get Peter to say "I should have asked you to marry me" and he will not take the bait.

Bryan arrives for his solo rose ceremony and I am able to hit the FFWD button because they have him walking up a hill to get to Rachel. Rachel loses her mind when Bryan drops to his knee and shows her the ugly ring. I kept thinking that Bryan and Rachel were more excited with the mechanics of getting engaged and having Bryan come out to the studio audience and re-present the ring again does nothing to diminish that thought.

Bachelorette Recap - The men Tell All.

Time for ‘the men tell all’ and we start it with a recap of the ‘most memorable moments’ from previous Tell Alls. 

I really should be sanitizing my apartment for my mom’s arrival, but I also have to sanitize my DVR, I cannot have her seeing the shows I watch…

Lucas and Blake are immediately the focus, Whaboom…Adam gets to use a line you know he practiced “It should have been Whabye.” Whaboom immediately wants to bond with DeMario clearly looking to pair with a villain. 

Josiah calls Iggy “the rat of all rats.” 

All the guys seem to be on Kenny’s side. Lee’s turn and his racism is showing; what ticks me off about these moments is that it feels like the black guys have to be the ones to prove why they are mad. Maybe it is just me but it feels like Lee is playing the victim. 

Overall not that great a Men Tell all – the racial dynamic has dominated so much of the season and thus this show so it stymies the fun.

Bachelorette recap or family first (for the budget)?

We start off with Rachel walking around her hometown of Dallas.

Because Rachel’s sister is 8 months pregnant she cannot fly out to do the usual ‘the family meets you in a tropical location’ shtick so the guys have to meet Rachel’s family now not later. 

Peter is first:

And they go shopping for baby clothes. Time for Peter to meet the family and it looks like Rachel’s dad the judge continues to avoid camera time like he did on the Bachelor. “What are the red flags?” must have been a producer driven question since multiple people utilized it. 

Eric is second:

Rachel takes him on a quick tour of Dallas. Back at the hotel Peter and Bryan have an awkward exchange, with Peter being annoyed that Bryan seems to think his time with Rachel is locked!

Rachel’s family appears concerned that Eric has never been in love, and “his most serious relationship has been 8 months.” Eric asks Rachel’s mom if it is okay for him to have Rachel’s hand in marriage and he receives that permission. 

Bryan as the finale:

Both Bryan and Rachel are wearing the watches that they purchased on the last episode. Peter in the hotel room says he is not the biggest fan of Bryan and also mentions “Fake cheeks” hmm a few podcasts I have listened to have said Bryan has fake cheeks…Bryan gets to meet some of Rachel’s girlfriend’s before meeting her family…clear front runner status.

Rachel’s family is not as enamored with Bryan as Rachel is – they do not trust Bryan’s motivations as much as Rachel does. Rachel is quick to defend him and will not let her family be critical of him. Rachel’s sister calls Bryan out for saying he loves her family after “just one hour.” 

Let’s head to Spain:

Eric: is the first Bachelor up, and the Bachelorette helicopter budget is back baby.

Eric after a long preamble finally tells Rachel that he loves her, this leads to a make out and a fantasy suite invite. And…we get to see the after-glow in the morning. 

Peter:

They go to a winery where the owner tells us that he has been with his partner for 57 years. He then serenades the couple in Spanish, before they drink. The winery owner gifts Rachel and Peter with their own wine locker. Rachel asks Peter about the conversation with her family. Just as the couple is about to get into some serious discussions they are interrupted by an adorable kid. The couple finally gets to the serious discussion at dinner, Peter is of the opinion that an engagement should be treated as seriously as marriage, Rachel is a lot more cavalier – this is causing the two to pull apart and we get to be continued.

Bachelorette Recap - Swiss Miss

Off to Switzerland and Rachel tells the guys things will be a little different, 3 one on one dates then a 3 on one and no rose ceremony. 

Bryan gets the first one on one: Some of the guys express shock and annoyance.

And Rachel tells us she sometimes likes to treat her man…so she lets him drive a Bentley – clear front runner…They go to Breitling, good lord I would stab him if he came back to the hotel room and told me about this date.  Of course Bryan gets to keep a watch and gets a rose and a hometown visit.

Dean gets the other one on one while poor Adam is suffering the fact that he has not yet received one. 

Dean one on one:

Rachel takes Dean to a catholic church…I hate when the Bach/ette franchise uses church as a source of entertainment.

Rachel tells us and Dean that some repeat one on ones are to allow her to see if she and the recipient of the date are compatible. But Dean keeps making jokes when Rachel asks him serious questions.

Peter gets the next date card, and Eric voices what we are all thinking that Bryan, Dean and Peter are probably the top 3 in Rachel’s mind currently.

The dinner portion with Dean and Rachel is not any less awkward than the daytime, Dean finally confesses that he is worried about Rachel meeting his family. Despite all that painful awkwardness and the admittance that his family might not be the best Dean gets the rose.

ERIC WAS RIGHT

Helicopter Budget Kicks in on Peter’s one on one:

They head to Glacier 3000 to dog sled. Rachel clearly does not handle the cold well and it cracks me up seeing the tell tale signs of her bouncing up and down to stay warm. Peter tells Rachel that he had thoughts of going home on his bad days.

Peter tells Rachel that he might not get down on one knee at the end of the season, despite that and his thoughts of going home, Peter gets the rose.

ERIC WAS RIGHT

Group date:

Adam, Eric and Matt get to travel with Rachel to France via boat to battle for one rose.

Eric gets the first mini one on one and uses a lot of platitudes.

Matt, tells Rachel he knows it is not easy for her. Rachel crying tells Matt that he reminds her so much of herself but…she lets him go even after telling him that in another time or place he might have a better shot. 

So now Adam gets his one on one wait…nope, we do not see actually see him getting a one on one…until the evening portion where Rachel finally pulls him aside:

Rachel brings up that Adam once said “a part of me” she wants to know why he wouldn’t give her his all.

Eric tells Rachel he has never taken a girl home, probably to impress upon her, her special status, but instead it scares her…but she still picks him and sends Adam home.