The Bachelorette finale or, I really just do not care anymore...get me to paradise

ABC does that joke move of starting the show with a live audience...if I cared what other people thought I would watch live and track twitter.

We return to the Dominican Republic (the DR) and I am now convinced ABC probably has a deal there. Nick gets to meet Andi’s family and comes bearing gifts for the Dad and the mom, I think the producers put him up to it. I still love that Andi’s dad’s name is Hy. Andi’s mom thinks Nick is a little reserved - she may be too polite to say boring. Nick thanks the family for Andi and talks with his hands alot.

Nick and the dad sit down together and Nick says “I have a connection with your daughter, but I don’t know what it is”...smooth. Nick asks Andi’s dad for permission to marry Andi, and gets permission - only a few possibilities here, Nick is a master close up hypnotist, the show edited a tonne of material out of their interaction or Andi’s dad is just tired of being on this show and thinks that saying yes will end his contract faster.  

Nick and Andi have an ugly kissing session, it is loud and it is funky looking. As I type this my friend B is humble bragging to me about how much sex he is getting, even from girls he is trying to break up with...my friend B is going to get punched in the face.

Josh is up next, Andi’s family laughs at her for travelling around the world and then finding a guy from her hometown. Josh comes in and is like Nick, bearing gifts for mom and dad. Andi’s mom calls him loud and boisterous...again are they editing this massively? Josh gets to talk to Andi’s sis and bro in law and I swear the bro in law winks at Josh.

Josh and Andi’s dad walk out to do their ‘talk’ they are both basically wearing the same outfit - they look like a before and after poster. He easily gives his blessing again.
These talks are way too soft, he grilled Juan Pablo so much harder...I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

One on One date time with Josh:

Andi says she wants to reminisce the first date...aka the producers said “we have a boat”.
Andi says they are going to cruise the Caribbean like they cruised the Mediterranean. If that boat goes even close to international waters I would be shocked. This date is BOOOOORRRIIIINNNNNGGG but in fairness, by this point in the show unless they start fighting, it is going to be hard to interject fun into these dates, I am just sticking it out because I watched all the other bloody episodes, and I hate myself.

The evening portion:

More boring convo, Andi has Andi face where she looks like she is thinking about anything but what the person before her is talking about. 

Josh gives her a gift, it is a baseball card of her, what is smart about this is that Andi loves talking about herself (no judgment here, I am the same), so the card is something she is guaranteed to love.

Josh wrote a letter to Andi about the card and then reads the whole letter...so what was the point of the letter? On the card he lists Andi with his last name Andi Murray, smooth move, she rolls the name around on her tongue and seems to like it.

Nick is up next, I miss the preamble because I am too busy looking up AYCE lobster buffets… it is amazing how much other things I get done while this show is on. I know some of my friends wonder why I watch this show - I watch because my productivity skyrockets.

Andi and Nick talk to each other about asking her dad’s permission for marriage, apparently he is a pushover, really makes me wonder about the Juan Pablo interaction.

Evening Portion:

Nick is very creepy when he looks directly into the camera. Nick gives a very terrible toast and Andi says “I love when you ramble”, it’s cute to you now but think about that 4 years into marriage!!! 

What kind of prosecutor would love living with a man who rambles on about nothing? While Nick tries to form words I check out http://www.texassports.com/index.aspx?path=football& we have a new coach and we keep kicking players off the team, I have a tonne of hope for the future but the start might be rough.

Sorry back to the show, Nick gives Andi a gift of some sand from the beach where he first told her he loves her encased into a necklace. My usual response of, "I guess, it’s sweet."

We get a voice over from Andi while the show reveals both guys shirtless (and the ladies in the audience which the show made sure to pipe in, ooh and ah).

Neil Lane does his usual seasonal appearance, 
they do the pretense of making it seem that there is a wide selection of rings, I wonder what happens if both guys pick the same ring? 

Just as Josh is picking a ring, there is a knock on Nick’s door and instead of Neil Lane...Andi appears dun dun duhhhhhh.

My friend and I start arguing about Texas’ first opponent of the year, he thinks that the schedule is too soft to get to a national title game, I remind him that FSU played Nevada and Bethune-Cookman in their first 3 weeks - it is not how you start... While this is going on Chris is interviewing Bachelor Alum I glaze over.

Back to the show, Andi uses Nick’s words against him, he told her that when he got engaged he woke up the next morning feeling like something was not right, she tells him she woke up with the same feeling. That feeling is boredom. Even in his fight for her love Nick is boring, he asks “is this about us, or is it about somebody else”.

HERE IS A HINT FELLAH...this is a competition, if it is not you, it is the other guy...

I am now comparing torpedo shrimp recipes against panko shrimp recipes. Nick finally gets my attention by saying to Andi “sometimes I think you took it too far”. Oooh scandal? Nope it is just the stuff she said to him. 
Nature works perfectly for the producers (it is a tropical isle) and rain comes pouring down. 

Nick takes a rose or fragments of roses (from past episodes) out of his bag and tosses it into the rubbish. 
He has to pack a bag and enter the goodbye SUV he finally breaks down/pretends to cry? acknowledges that Andi might like Josh more.

They cut to the live audience and a woman there clearly wants to cry. Apparently Andi has refused to meet with Nick since she said adios in the DR.

Time for Andi and Josh to meet on the ‘deck of love’ Josh has a rehearsed speech that he is speeding through, at points he closes his eyes and it is clear that he is just trying to remember his lines. While they prattle I try to find the Longhorn Network on my Cable. Andi tells Josh that she has loved him from the moment she laid eyes on him...try to remember that Nick got the first impression Rose. Josh falls to his knees, positions the box so that we can read Neil Lane and proposes.
Andi immediately says yes but spends alot of the post ‘yes’ time staring at the ring.

Time for the after show...I am already committed so why stop now?

We catch up with Nick 
and his mom, 
the gist is Nick is heartbroken. Nick flies to LA (he makes it seem as if he paid for it) to see Andi, she refuses to see him, but he asks Chris Harrison to give her a letter
which he of course does and encourages Andi to read it. 
I want to mock him, but eh if you are in love I guess it is the least you could do to try to get the woman.

Nick comes on stage looking sharp in a suit, but still very dull in attitude (sorry could not resist). Andi has to face him and comes out in a white lace number...uhmm are we supposed to think the wedding is going to happen live on camera? Nick keeps mentioning the letter and not saying anything, it is a very passive display for a man who claims to be heartbroken but wants the girl back. Chris has to probe him. Andi says that she was never in love with him. Nick says “if you were not in love with me I am not sure why (pause) you made love with me”. 

Andi says “that is below the belt...something that should be kept private” I agree with her, but I still love that he said it.
Man I hope Josh is hearing this. This THIS is why I doubt I could take this show seriously if I was on it, while many of us know that the person we marry is not a virgin, we tend to not to have to see reminders of it.

Andi gets defensive, I wonder if she is thinking ‘damn I have to explain this to my dad and my ‘future’ husband’. They run a preview of Bachelor in Paradise, just the preview looks better than this entire season of the Bachelorette.

Josh comes out and they do the lovey dovey young couple thing, they have been sneaking around since the show wrapped its taping wearing wigs and disguises to see each other. 

Andi again says that she is not pregnant and Josh says “I am trying”. 

The show brings out Grumpy Cat (like Andi I cannot understand how this is a thing) to mock Andi’s constant frown (now that is a thing).

We were not told who the new Bachelor is.

I hate myself

The men tell all or really just what they think is safe enough to get them invited back

The ‘Men tell all’ begins with former contestants Ashley and JP showing up and I am grateful, I have to wake up early tomorrow and thankfully when the Bachelor/Bachelorette does these filler segments I can skip forward on my DVR...definite time saver. As I am skipping through I see that there is an ultrasound I stop for it I sigh heavily “these people will put everything on TV” 

Why do I feel this is completely staged and that they previously checked backstage to make sure...what if it the doc started the machine and the baby was not healthy? Or he could not determine the sex (as sometimes happens)? No way they risked this without checking before.

(http://headlinesamerica.com/the-bachelorette-the-finest-moments-of-the-men-tell-all Pointed out, the dress is pre cut to make it perfect for the Ultrasound...yup FAKE)

Then time for an extended preview of Bachelor in Paradise - so much delicious crying.

Time to finally introduce the guys and I wonder how many will have scarves, I was planning to guess 4 then I see that they all have scarves on and I immediately realize that they realize we have ALL noticed the trend.

Marquel is wearing a chocolate chip cookie lapel pin...look homie I get it cookies are your thing, but enough!

The topic of Andrew allegedly saying “blackies” was brought up again.

Marquel and Ron both talk about their feelings on the topic. Andrew addresses Marquel and calls him Ron, immediately a bad look since there are ONLY 2 black guys (1.5 to be exact) and you are accused of demeaning both of them, you really should not get their names wrong.

It devolves into an attack on JJ with accusations of him being a tattletale - Andrew clearly knows the group dynamic and immediately knows that throwing JJ under the bus will cause other guys to join in with him. 

Chris Harrison tries to question Marquel on his true feelings about Andrew, Marquel plays the politician.

This episode is reinforcing my belief that these guys are all so boring, even a racially charged issue comes with little to no heat. What I have noticed is there is a distinct clique of guys with Andrew and they all seem to share similar backgrounds, I do not want to break it all down here but it is something I have spotted and cannot shake.  

Marquel’s time on the hot seat:

He admits that he did not realize that all the guys were kissing Andi, and that he played it too slow. Marquel ends his segment by pulling a tray of cookies out from under the couch and ‘serving’ the audience...so contrived and now thanks to the Andrew segment even more cartoonish than it would have been otherwise.

Marcus takes the hot seat he appears to regret introducing Andi to his family. Chris keeps pushing to see if Marcus wants to see Andi again. They plug his inclusion on Bachelor in Paradise (I am just going to start calling that BP or BiP [mind not completely made up]).

Chris takes the seat next (it really has not been hot at all tonight) - women are crying after the recap of Farmer Chris’ (FC) time on the show. While FC and Host Chris are talking, a girl just yells “excuse me Chris” interrupting the show and they stop the interview to bring her down to the couch, she claims to be from a small town in Canada and we are supposed to believe this is NOT a plant. 

Host C, sets up a speed date with FC and Small town Canada girl for during the commercial break. We know how little Andi likes sharing the spotlight, if Canada girl is still on the set when Andi shows up she is going to be pissed. Alot of girls in the audience look seriously pissed/confused

...and then we ‘restart the show’ with the countdown to tell the audience to scream “5,4,3,2,1”.

Andi comes out, she is sparkly. 

The guys start asking questions and Andi deflects them well. Cody gets to ask a question and I miss all of it because I cannot stop trying to process his hair and his Canadian tuxedo, I wonder if FC’s girl brought it with her from Toronto. 

Marquel, Andi yells “my cookie monster” and we find out that she did not see him as a romantic interest...the trend on this show continues (see my first few recaps of this season).

Chris asks Andi about the internet rumor that she is pregnant, she laughs it off and says it is false. He then brings up the fact that he has the results from the lie detector test - Chris, Brian and JJ were all the way honest; Marcus, Dillon and Josh all lied. Marcus said he has slept with fewer than 20 women (shocked faces in Audience) that was a lie. Dillon lied about preferring brunettes and being ready for marriage. Chris leaves it up to Andi as to whether she wants to hear what lies Josh told, Dillon and Brian tell her not to hear them...she complies, annoying the world.

Bachelorette Recap or, I nearly died tonight and terrible tv is just what I need

I nearly died tonight, I know most people say that as an exaggeration but for me it was true. I was at the scene of a horrific accident between a car and motorcycle while I was in the crosswalk. The motorcyclist landed at my feet as in I had to skip around him to land safely and to call the cops. I spent almost 2 hours with the police as they diagrammed out the area and tried to find more witnesses...I do not yet know if the motorcyclist lived, I just know that it was shocking.

The Bachelorette goes to the Dominican Republic and again Jamaica...step yo game up! We get shots of Andi writing in her room and i wonder if she is doing a Pros and Cons list for each guy - then the show cuts to clips of Andi hanging out with each of the guys and Andi doing a voice over, so yeah she was just writing to allow filler time. So I just get to skip past that and it immediately shaves 10 minutes off this show.

Now to shots of Andi on the beach, since we did not get any hot tub time this season methinks she was told, “get thee to a bikini” by the producers. The Suave commercials have run out of candidates people willing to do them which leads to a recycling of the commercial featuring Desiree - I still do not watch it.

Nick is up first:

The helicopter budget kicks back in - like most people Nick has never been on a helicopter, Andi pretends like joining this franchise was not her first time on one. 

I have noticed this year that they have slowly stopped pretending that the Bachelorette/Bachelor ‘created’ the date. They still sometimes slip up and use words like “I decided we” but for the most part they now acknowledge they had nothing to do with the set up.

Nick says like so many times I think I am going to have to skip back and do a count yup he said it 5 times in 2 sentences and still did not get to his point. He even acknowledges that he is rambling. Andi is concerned about Nick’s bad breakups and he cannot explain them away effectively.

The evening portion of the date begins and like Nick says like a lot in like his confessional to tell us that like he wanted to tell Andi he loves her but like he is afraid of getting hurt.

Andi asks Nick to tell her something embarrassing, he tells her that he has written a fairy tale, he just happens to have a book perfectly typed up, bound and illustrated with recaps of their time together, which allows the show to do recap flashbacks. 

His book (to be continued) ends with Princess Andi asking Nick if he would like to spend time with her in the fantasy suite, another great segue by him - this guy has really studied this show and how to game the system. I take a strong slug of Jamaican rum, while Nick uses 200 words to just say yes to the fantasy suite.

NIck finally tells Andi that he loves her, but does it before they go into the fantasy suite, is he doing it for the camera?

Josh is up next:

Nick got the helicopter beach date, Josh gets to walk around Santo Domingo with Andi. He purchases an aphrodisiac, and Andi is impressed that he speaks spanish. Just like last year, we are supposed to believe there is just a random street dance going on...Look I am from the Caribbean, I spent a lot of my life there, I have toured the islands - THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN.

They come upon some kids playing baseball and one of the kids asks Josh and Andi and no other spectators if they would like to play. This date might set the record for fake ‘real’ scenarios. Let’s see, aphrodisiac, Josh’s spanish, street dance, and baseball so far. I pour more rum, my plan is to not wake up early.

The evening portion kicks in;

The conversation is vapid, the deep question is “what kind of parent will you be?”. I have my 4th ‘shot’ of rum if I had done it for everytime Nick said ‘like’ and Josh says ‘you know’ I would be dead by now instead of rejoicing that my slow walking pace keeping me out of the car’s pathway. A switch flicks in Andi and she starts to question why Josh always seems to be happy, would it be better if he could not pretend to be happy for the short time the show is filming? Andi presents Josh with the fantasy suite card, he eagerly accepts Andi tries to be demure.

Josh still not understanding how this show works says “it is amazing that just as we are walking to the fantasy suite fireworks go off” He cannot possibly think those were a coincidence right? We see them spending time in a pool in the fantasy suite with a lot of making out and gyrations - filler.

Time for Chris:

Andi ‘takes’ him to a ranch - yup that is right, the guy who is a farmer is taken to a farm! I would give a lot to hear what he was thinking in his head as he drove up. If we needed further proof that Andi does not create the dates, they are going riding but Andi confesses that she is not comfortable around horses.

 

She also reveals that she knows very little about how much horses weigh she called it a “3000lb animal”. Chris calls the Dominican Republics method of farming a 1930s method, must be nice Mr. Farmer with your fancy first world technology.

I have been hearing rumors that Chris is the next Bachelor if so, that season is going to be Boooooring. I like Chris the person, I do not like Chris the Bachelor candidate. For instance they again played Ghost in the Graveyard aka really just hide and seek when only TWO people are playing it. Let’s see, I have time to spend with a hot girl and instead I am going to go and hide in a bush? If you are taking shots everytime I ask a question...good luck.

Evening portion:

I need to take a shower, but I am pretty sure I might pass out in the warm water. Chris again brings up living in Iowa to Andi. Andi tries to be tactful about living there, while Chris tries to sell her on the joys of living in Iowa she makes crinkle face. 3 more ice cubes another pour of rum and I listen to Andi say ‘like’ alot while explaining to Chris that she is at a crosswords and unsure of inviting him to the fantasy suite. I have noticed that as this season goes on Andi has a really hard time not looking bored when others are talking - maybe she really isn’t bored but if so, she needs to tell her face. 

Andi starts to cry and confesses that she has been using “I cannot see myself in Iowa” as an excuse because she cannot see herself with Chris.

Chris is quickly realizing that his fantasy suite dreams are about to fade away, he tries to go the calm route the “hey girl, why can’t you like me for me” route, it does not work. He is still a gentleman and offers her his arm as she walks him out. He is very kind to Andi, and is very smooth as he accepts her rejection, I fear this is just going to make peoples’ hearts melt for him and secure him the Bachelor spot, but even this kindness is part of why he should not be the Bachelor, there is no fire in this guy. You want red for a reality show, Chris paints only in beige.

Allow me a moment, Andi has already had 3 dates in the sun, and 2 fantasy suite nights, she probably just wants to sleep a night alone and Chris unfortunately caught her at that moment.

Chris Harrison: Fireside chat time (or unlit candles time).

I stand corrected, even though it is bright daylight, there is a flickering candle in the background - so funnily unnecessary. I have had enough to drink that I want to call my exes or my parents (basically the people who I keep close, but rarely call), I resist because I am not the type to panic others just because I am dealing with issues. If I called my parents now they would think my brother had died.

Andi explains what the producers told her why we are still having a rose ceremony - because the 2 remaining guys have to actually accept the roses to go forward. The clips for Bachelor in Paradise look awesome because all I see is clip after clip of crying and that makes me happy.

Rose Ceremony time:

The guys arrive separately and have no idea that Chris is gone. In his confessional Josh is drenched in sweat. When Chris Harrison tells the guys that Chris is gone, Nick positively glows. Andi makes sure to tell the guys that she sent Chris home BEFORE the fantasy suite, sounds like she is trying to stress to the other 2 guys “I DID NOT SLEEP WITH HIM”.

Obviously most people know the person they are with has slept with someone else before them, but standing on a small platform beside the guy you think probably slept with the girl that you think you love, has got to be difficult.

Post show bloopers, Andi and Nick were both bed wetters.

I cannot bother to go back through this and edit it beyond adding pictures (I drank a tonne while typing it up and any mistakes should probably just remain).