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Monday, August 10, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise and Crabs

Oh it is the best day of August...Bachelor in Paradise premiers tonight (yes I set the bar low for good days).
Sayulita, Vallart-Nayarit, Mexico is the spot on the globe that we are going to ruin this season and we start with Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) walking on a beach and telling us about the 2 idiots that are going to get married on the show after meeting on this show's last season.

Ashley I gets featured first with her younger sister Lauren I, described as the 'slut version of me'. Jared and his struggle beard is up next, is there such a thing as beard cancer? I am somewhat seriously concerned that this dude does not have a bathroom mirror. Tanner plays a female version of himself mocking the fact that no one really knew who he was after his time on Kaitlyn's season. Jillian she of the editing black box over her butt makes jokes about the black box and then tells us and shows us that she is getting her boobs done, no chance she goes subtle with the increase.

They all start to arrive to Sayulita and Ashley I lets us know that she has brought her sister Lauren with her. Tenley does not think it is fair that Ashley gets to bring her sister...the guys do not care. Jonathan lets us know that he has had 2 sisters at the same time, he starts to go into detail "you would think it would be a little bit dirty, but I kind of liked it"...a producer tells him that Ashely is a virgin he continues "A virgin? I've had a couple of those, a lot of work, a lot of fun but it will definitely be worth it." Jonathan is trying really hard to let us know that he is scuzzy. Mike walks off with Lauren and the show begins playing a porno soundtrack (or as my CC says "Sexy music playing"), when the age difference is brought up the music stops till Lauren lets us know it wont matter and the music kicks back in...I love this show and how much fun the producers have with it.

Ashley and Lauren are grading guys as they walk in, Jillian walks in but unlike anyone else she comes in, in a bikini a fluorescent bikini. JJ walks in and peeps are not happy to see him. Ashley S shows up and she appears to be as crazy as ever.

So we come back from commercial and because I (sadly) listen to a podcast on this show I know before the cast knows that we are about to have a ratchet mess of a wedding. It's the wedding for Marcus and Lacy and OMCH is the officiant. The wedding is not terrible if you ignore that it is a TERRIBLE IDEA...Lacy's dress though...them puppies!

Jade is the belle of the Ball the first night with guys crowding around her Lauren is off to the side bawling as Mikey tries to comfort her. She requests her sister to come and meet up with her...Ashley is worried that Lauren is not built for this show. They begin to trash the others behind their back calling 32 year olds...OLD - damn girl!

Ashley is falling for Jared so she shows it to him by sitting silently beside him. Carly and Kirk are coupling up she wants him to kiss her but he wont make the move so finally she just goes for it - and calls it one of the best kisses she has ever had.

Ashley I in an attempt to talk to Jared brings up her Disney princess fascination from her season...because that is what every grown man wants! He goes off with Jade for a walk on the beach.
Because the producers know how to keep the show spicy Ashley I of course gets the first date card and wants to ask Jared. Her sister has to boost her spirits up to get her to talk to Jared to invite him on the date - these 2 together seem to suck intelligence from each other.

On the date we find out that Ashley I believes in horoscopes...and that she runs into the water weirdly. Cut to Ashley S going nuts with birds. Ashley I is concerned that Jared may not be over Kaitlyn yet.

See above re producers, Jade gets the next date card - She is debating between Jared and Tanner, 2 guys who my friends do not think are as good looking as the girls on the show seem to think he is. I think the same about Jade, the guys on the show are straining their necks to get to her while to me she just seems like one of the many pretty faces on the show. Jade takes Tanner on her date - its basic, so we cut back to Ashley S being taken to the hospital in an ambulance...that's crazy (could not help myself).

Tanner tells us he is feeling more connection with Jade in one night than his whole season with Kaitlyn. Carly foreshadows her demise by saying things are going great and the only thing that could spoil it for her is if someone comes down the stairs and its someone that Kirk wants...we then see the girl we have all been waiting for...Clare - and she immediately gets a date card while telling us that the guys she is interested in are Tanner, Jared and Kirk...Uh OH!

The second night of this travesty begins and the last bit of my soul cries in fear.

The shows opening credits is done in the style of a soap opera, I would crack up if they do a new one each week. Clare says what I have told E and Ashley, Jared must be really good looking in person...the girls fawn over him so much. Well Mikey and JJ are going to love seeing this show when they see Clare giving it a thumbs down for them being the only two guys available to her. We have the usual scene of Clare apparently talking to an animal, this time its a crab on the bed across from her - I do not think she was actually talking to a crab, because I think she would have freaked out seeing a crab in her least not one that large...I make no assumptions as to whether she has already seen crabs in her bed!

Mikey and Clare have a very awkward moment where he basically begs her for the works (here) but not a good look. Clare is hoping they will be going on an adventure like sailing or zip lining - instead its partner yoga and Clare is trying to avoid touching 'priv-ies' with Mikey her words! Mikey makes a tonne of juvenile references with goofy laughter because of course he does. Clare strongly hints to Mikey that she is not interested in him and he immediately asks her for a kiss, well at least his body is strong.

Ashley S and Dan go on a date that does not involve the hospital, she is googly eyed, but when is she not? Tenley goes for a walk with Jared which causes Ashley I to freak out that she is losing her man to an old lady, let me point out Tenley is only THIRTY ONE years old. Ashley I is telling Jared that she has claimed him, Jared tells her he wants to play the field (maybe he is smarter than I think ). Lauren and Ashley I try to comfort each other, if these 2 tried to talk someone off a ledge there would be a suicide.

Cocktail Party time:
Jillian tells us that JJ told her the night before that she was safe and then kissed her so she feels confident, she would feel less so if she saw Tenley sitting in his lap giving him permission to kiss her, which he of course accepts.

Jared tells Clare that he is giving her a rose while Ashley is off in the background crying that Jared is talking to another girl.
It's rose ceremony time and Mikey gives Clare the rose which gives us more time for Clare to tell us how much she does not like Mikey. Jared saves Ashley I and Lauren which leads us to the JJ drama moment. JJ is given the opportunity to say something before handing out his rose but wisely refuses it and sends Jillian home, Cynic Cali J moment - the producers told him they could not afford to keep using the black box technology so he had to send her home. 

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.