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Thursday, August 20, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap or...Is Joe really that smart?

So it has taken me almost a week to get to this latest episode. We return to the end of the rose ceremony. Tenley survived thanks to JJ but is already looking forward to who is coming on next.

There is a discussion about whether crabs can fly...

Lauren and Ashley I spend a lot of time arguing, with Lauren crying and lamenting the fact that she left her status as a Mistress back home.

Joshua shows up (he is the one that Lauren has been hoping will arrive) Josh has the date card and before he can announce it Ashley I takes him aside to talk up her sister. Thanks to Lauren's awkward conversations with Josh we learn that the cast has to do blood tests before coming on the show...not shocking.

JJ talks a tonne of trash about Josh but then lo and behold Josh asks Tenley to go on a date with him.
This causes Lauren to pack up to go home, she also asks why the Universe is so mean to her - do not forget she is with some guy who is cheating on his girl with her...The show makes her drag her suitcase across the sand to leave and she breaks the fourth wall by saying "this looks pathetic." The only one lamenting Lauren's departure is Ashley I.

Joe arrives and Clare is immediately smitten 'on paper', but then Joe just sits on the couch like a lump. Apparently the guys built Joe up as very funny but the conversation just becomes very awkward, especially when Joe disses Clare. Clare goes off to the side and I am sure she is talking to a producer who is off camera but the show makes it seem like she has found her raccoon friend from last season.

Joe asks Juelia to go on his date, but does it in such an awkward fashion the group is not sure he did.

Tenley returns from her date with Josh and JJ immediately steals her away and apparently kisses her a lot then goes to bed feeling satisfied and telling us that he is more successful than Josh with he passes out we cut to Tenley and Josh making out in a bedroom.

Juelia is telling us that she is missing her daughter, I hate these moments because I am always conflicted about having parents of young kids on these shows, I am concerned that they really should be home with the kids.

Tenley seems to be beaming after her date with Josh. But then Josh starts to dry snitch on himself and clubs in LA and the availability of Molly in coconuts at the club. Josh is weirding the girls out by his stories of heavy drug use and does not seem to know where the end point on a 'fun' story is. 'Stop Snitchin'' could never be a campaign on this show, since some of the guys immediately go and tell Tenley about Josh's stories. weird

Joe and Juelia appear to have a great time on their date, I was talking to a client while they were making out in the water so the TV was muted, but I am not going to bother to go back to hear their conversation.

Tenley confronts Josh about the rumors of his partying, he tells her the molly usage was a one time thing...his answers are so bad that Tenley seeks out JJ for a 'mind break.' Mikey finally gets a warning that Clare is just not that into him...and he ignores it aggressively.

We and many of the Cast catch Ashely I peeing in the ocean/beach but she didn't do it because she was out swimming but rather because she didn't want to walk to the bathroom so she just squatted near the edge of the water.

Jonathan starts talking to Juelia to catchup/plead his case/snitch. While Juelia is telling us that Joe is sweet and such a good person we see him telling the producer that she is not very smart.

While Juelia is talking up the date and the kissing, Joe says the kiss was bad and that he only kissed her to get the rose. The producer tries to get Joe to tell all of this to Juelia in response to that he audibly farts.

Jared gets the date card and of course its for Jared since Ashely I wants him but he has been spending time with Clare who Ashley has declared the person with almost dead eggs...ouch. Ashley I tells us that she put nude lipstick on so that Jared would not be intimidated to kiss her red lips...but Jared chooses Clare who agrees to go on the date. Mikey and Ashley both are flabbergasted. Ashley I begins bawling and threatening to leave. Jared goes to talk to Mikey and Mikey asks him if he wants to date a girl "eight years older than you?" The fascination with Clare's age on this show is amazing to me. Mikey tells us that if "this were real life" he would have beat Jared up. Mikey claims that Clare was not honest with him, "or that I did not read it right" it is the latter my friend, your reading comprehension sucks.

Mikey and Clare get into an argument over Clare accepting the date from Jared. Juelia says something absolutely crazy "The date might not happen tomorrow...and Clare might be leaving" oh Juelia there is no way Clare would leave this show without more drama. The show ends with a lot of crying...

The Monday follow up show:
Just before the show starts there is a message from ABC remembering Frank Gifford - Before I even knew what American football was I knew who Frank Gifford was...weird the things we learn as kids.

We come back to the show and Mikey T is still sore, and Ashley is still crying. Clare tells us that Jared looks like Superman, Clare might need to get an HD TV. They go bungee jumping and Clare turns it into a sexual experience with the moans and explanations about body quivering.

Clare comes back and tells the others about her date, this causes Ashley I to break down. Michael shows up and he is looking for Tenley. Michael is going to take Tenley on his date and he can barely get the invite out before Tenley says yes.

Mikey desperate for a rose pulls Juelia aside, then aggressively tries to get a fails badly.
Michael drops some cheesy lines with Tenley and yet it works, he gets a kiss.

Clare continues to throw herself at Jared but then Jared brings up the 8 year age gap.
Juelia announces at the start of the cocktail party that she is giving her rose to Joe...this causes consternation with the others. Mikey and Jonathan both tell Juelia that Joe is only with her to get the rose, she tells Joe and he fools her with a kiss. Joe starts acting like a tough guy when neither Mikey T or Jonathan are around so Mikey T comes up to confront him. Joe deflects the anger of Mikey and turns it back on him, he then does the same to Jonathan, even getting Jonathan to apologize to him. Again note this guy Joe is sticking around solely to meet Samantha. Joe then makes Jonathan go and apologize to Juelia and even cry...we need to get Joe to work for us at the UN, we would own the rest of the world (till they watched the video). Jonathan actually goes to a room and starts bawling, he has to be comforted by Joe - that is not going to be a good look when you go back home homie.

Jared easily wins Ashley I back by kissing her. Clare has a break down and rants about finding love. Jade calls her out as offensive. Clare stops the rose ceremony to take OMCH aside so that she can cry.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.