Bachelor recap or let me fly you all the way here to reject you...

My Monday nights have 2 diametrically opposed shows; Monday Night Raw and the Bachelor, and only one of them can I talk about out loud with my friends…strong hint the one I can proudly talk about has men dressed in tights, who spend a lot of time in close quarters with each other. Raw for me is nostalgia, I watched wrestling with my dad as a kid so I watch wrestling now as an adult, and a few times it can still hit me in the ‘feels’. Last night was one of those times: Shane-O-Mac returned and while it was spoiled by Twitter, Facebook, Deadspin and even the bloody show I was watching at the gym, it still left me giggling with joy when I finally got to see it for myself…I cannot always articulate why I still love and watch wrestling but the moments when it can get me to show real emotion those are the moments when it really works!

 

On to Love and Ratchet (the white people edition, [seriously when this show points to Caila to claim diversity, I can honestly call it that edition]):

 

We start the show in Orange County, CA. with Ben sitting on some rocks looking out to the ocean trying to act like he is deeply contemplating his fate.

 

Hometown 1, Amanda:

Turns out Amanda’s hometown is Laguna Beach, this is the least surprising thing to me. She has radiated OC all season so it is nice to see it validated. Amanda is giving Ben a quick rundown on how to handle her kids. Amanda’s kids show up and she reacts as if she has not seen them in forever…that is not good. One of her daughters looks directly into the camera constantly - she refuses to act like this is normal and that stare makes me think she is looking deep into my soul and judging me. The girls are initially very hesitant to interact with Ben and I wonder if they are thinking “Are you my daddy”

 

Apparently Amanda’s kids like to chase after things, probably a psychological thing, they have been chasing her affection all of their lives. (Screw you I can hear your booing from here).

 

The insta-family drives to Amanda’s home and there is some fussing by the kids in the back seat just the first taste for Ben. John, Amanda’s dad says Ben “looks a bit like a deer caught in the headlights,” the mom wonders if Ben is ready to be an instant dad. I like their home, it seems chill and not too ostentatious like so many of the homes I see on this show…I would love to get on this show if just to have them have the professional designers come in and spruce up the home of my parents, nothing like free interior designing.

 

Amanda asks her mom if Ben is someone she could see her ending up with, the mom equivocates and says “eventually.” Ben talks to Amanda’s dad and the dad tries to point out to Ben that thinking about kids is different from having kids.

Ben reads the kids a bedtime story, it is based on the Bachelor, these kids are scarred for life and this is the moment we can point to!

 

Amanda “I can honestly say that I would be heartbroken if I was sent home after this week” yeah you know it sucks to be sent back home to YOUR KIDS “I would be completely crushed.”

 

Hometown 2, Lauren:

We are now in Portland, Oregon so of course Lauren has flannel on and a jacket - that is the Northwest uniform of choice! Lauren has to explain “these are Portland’s food trucks” I am guessing she just ran out of things to say. She takes Ben to the ‘Multnomah Whisky library’ which she describes as very romantic; I think it is very cool, romantic? Not so much. “I could sit in a room with Ben and not speak a word and feel more fulfilled more content than any other situation I have ever felt in my entire life” DREAM BIG! Based on her scintillating discussion about food trucks and the boring conversation here I realize maybe staying quiet is her best move.

 

Lauren says if I get my family’s approval I will tell Ben I love him, her sister Mollie looks like she could have been a contestant on the show. Lauren’s dad calls her Lolo hahaha I do not know why but it did not seem like something that should come from him, ‘you go gangsta!’ Mollie ‘grills’ Ben first, she asks good questions of Ben his response “there is something about your sister, that I cannot put words to…I don’t know, I feel very lucky.” This bothers me to NO END: Look it is different if a girl springs her parents on you, say you go to her house for dinner and she goes “Hey meet my folks” but when you are going into the home for a planned meeting and know that there will be questions what in the blue hell is “I don’t know” as a response to “why do you like her?” Ben looks away and feigns tears, it works on Mollie (whose name I had to adjust since prior I was typing it as Molly like 99% of people would upon hearing the name, but the show typed it as Mollie so I am going to trust them).

 

Lauren talks to Mollie and they say she has only just gotten over the relationship that ended a YEAR AGO. I think I love hard…I get hung up on my significant others; I know that when I am already dating someone else I no longer pine for the former ‘love of my life.’

 

Lauren’s dad asks Ben how he is coping and Ben responds with “Not well.” Maybe that is a moment of honesty but Ben seems so ill-prepared for this I keep wondering if he thought he was initially going to a different girl’s house and prepped for that instead.

Lauren’s dad reminds her that Ben is still dating 3 other girls - Lauren tells us that she now cannot tell Ben that she is in love with him.

 

Hometown 3, Caila:

Hudson, Ohio never heard of it that is rare for me on this show – I googled it and it turns out it is a suburb of Akron, in the Wikipedia section for Notable People: “Carla Quinn – Contestant on Season 20 of the Bachelor” yup, that is why I have never heard of it.

 

Caila takes Ben to see her high school, what is with this show always taking peeps to high school, is that the last place they felt special? She confesses that she always dreamt of taking someone special to a bench in a park, they dream so big on this show. Caila’s dad is the CEO of a toy company; none of these girls come from poor homes? They design a toy home on paper, and then she takes him into the actual Toy factory to create an actual toy house. The date started off softer than ice cream on a hot day but this is a step up! I would love to have done a date like this…she almost seems to have an unfair advantage…I also think (cynic in me) Ben is just sitting here and calculating how much money Caila’s family must have! He sweeps her off her feet to take her off the factory floor and the factory workers clap…maybe because they can finally get back to real work and stop pretending to like the Boss’ daughter.

Caila’s mom asks Ben “have you ever met Filipinos before?” I was thinking in my head “What a crazy question everyone has met Filipinos before!” but Ben answers “I don’t think so.” Huh, where are you hanging out? He is given all Pinoy food – lucky bastard. Caila’s dad starts to ask questions at dinner and Caila immediately jumps in to avoid her dad asking Ben about “microwaved fame.” The Dad says “I had no idea what I was getting into when I married Caila’s mother.” I leave that with no comment.

 

The mom pulls Ben aside and asks “what is it that has sparked your interest in Caila?” Ben is only slightly more prepared for it this time; “joyful, cute and bubbly” Caila or a puppy? He then repeats that Caila said to him in the Bahamas that she “was not sure that she could love” and Ben says that made him think she was real, funnily I thought that was her fakest moment. Just like I thought Ben’s whole “I am unlovable” shtick is fakeness personified.

 

Caila’s dad tells her he doesn’t want to ask her hard questions because he does not want to hurt her? Maybe you guys need to be tougher with your daughter. She is the girl that broke up with her boyfriend because she saw someone on TV! She starts crying, telling her dad that she wants his validation (validation is the buzzword of this season it is repeated so much). The dad is worried that “she is in for a huge let down and she is going to be crushed.” The mom asks her “is this real for you?” I think the whole family knows that she lives her life like a story book. Hmm, I wonder if this has to do with the dad’s job. I should have kept up with my psychology studies.

 

Caila asks her mom “but do you think he is in love with me?” That is not a question for your mom, child that is a question for yourself and your man. The mom tells her to go jump in Ben’s arms, this family is what ‘The Notebook’ is marketed towards. Caila makes out with Ben and in her voiceover tells us that “all I want to do is tell him ‘I love you’.” She does not however, say it out loud to Ben.

 

Hometown 4, JoJo:

 

Even before seeing this hometown date in Dallas, TX I know that JoJo’s home is going to be lavish since E texted me a screen shot with the words “The front of JoJo’s home looks like a Mormon temple” JoJo walks up and sees a bouquet of flowers and a card, she begins to read it and thinks the note is for her from Ben, she gets almost to the end and then starts yelling “No, No, I don’t want to read this”…because the note is from her ex Chris. Why did it take you so long to figure this out? She calls her ex who tries to get her back via the phone. These girls are the type of emotionally damaged that plays like this while ‘hail Marys’ always have a shot. “If you are done with me, tell me right now” and as that is said Ben walks up to the front door and knocks. This was all clearly producer driven, how does the ex-bf know when she will be back? How does he know when/where to send the flowers? Was he just waiting by the phone? So many questions that can only be answered with – The producers!

 

JoJo answers Ben’s knock with tears and starts to tell him about the situation. JoJo claims that she is only upset about the letter because she is “the happiest” she has ever been thanks to Ben. Again none of this is suspicious…all the other girls were met outside of their homes, Amanda at the beach; Caila the park; Lauren the streets of Portland but JoJo, Ben has to pick up? Sure producers, we cannot see the strings on that puppetry.

 

JoJo’s brothers greet her boisterously; they seem like ‘Bros’ in the truest sense of the rough housing term that connotes. JoJo’s mom while still at the table asks the important words “what sets her apart from the other girls” Ben chuckles “that is easy” sure because by now you have had practice “I am more myself around her, immediately, more than anyone else in my life.” The bros use “y’all” a lot, oh I miss Texas. The family asks Ben where he seems himself down the road, he says he is open to moving (I know this makes him sound flexible, but I just think he means to Los Angeles, namely a neighborhood known as Hollywood).

 

JoJo’s bros take Ben aside, the first bro says they are worried that she will get hurt and Ben mensa member that he is responds with from “[my] perspective there is still plenty of time”, because that is what concerned bros want to hear, ‘I have options.’ Ben has the face of a goober as he says this, it is such a goofy face I screen shot it and sent it to my coworker immediately. “JoJo and I will be having some really good conversations…we are in a really good place.”

 

JoJo tells her mom that she is so scared that she is falling in love with Ben her mom tells her to go for it. In the conversation with the Dad, Ben seems almost half asleep at the start, he by the way is wearing his ‘formal T-shirt’ the dad is wearing a Sports Coat, the contrast is stark. JoJo meets up with her bros and they seem very serious. JoJo does the foolish thing of telling them that she has only been on 2 single dates with Ben, the bros recognize the ludicrousness of that statement.

 

One of the bros while circling the kitchen as Ben walks down the hallway; “Ben you brainwash these girls way too much man, to see my sister like that after just two dates” Ben responds with “there is a lot of noise in here.” Bro points out to Ben that he carries too much power in the situation, the girls are attracted to him because he is the prize, and he does not have to fight for them or their affection. One Bro points out that his intuition tells him that Ben is not right for JoJo while he is talking the other Bro has a dead stare of intensity, he accuses Ben of being coached in what to say. The mom still thinks that JoJo should show more emotion intense Bro says “you need to take a step back” I cannot tell if this was to the mom or to Ben because of the camera sleight of hand.

 

Ben tells JoJo that the brothers grilled him; he appears to be afraid of them.

 

Rose Ceremony:

Lauren gets the first rose, Caila gets the second and as we knew it would be, it is down to JoJo and Amanda. OMCH shows up to do math for us and JoJo gets the final rose. As E pointed out to me via text, Amanda had a very classy exit. Ben takes her to the exit-bench of doom where you get to face the cameras and each other. Amanda brings up the logical question, “why fly me all the way to LA to then boot me?” that question however carries more depth if we then realize that maybe Amanda is not living in OC where she had the hometown date because OC is only 30 minutes drive from LA…just saying. In the limo driving away Amanda voices the common single parent lament of this show “I wouldn’t have introduced him to my kids if I wasn’t falling for him.” Just once I would love a single parent on this show to say, “No I am not ready for you to meet my kids.”

 

Amanda continues “I mean I have never brought someone home to meet my kids…but I have never met someone like him.” “He is an amazing guy, he seemed like he was ready to come into our lives…I don’t know if I will ever find somebody like that.” Ben “I would like her to know that I cared a lot… [Then breaks down crying]” JoJo’s bros are going to have a field day with this.

 

The previews for next week: WHOA WHOA WHOA, “JAMAICA HERE WE COME” My island is about to have an outbreak of Bachelor? Have they been reading my blog for the last four years???????????? Readers I am taking credit for this! We have done it!

 

Blooper reel – Lauren’s little brother asks Ben his thoughts on the fantasy suite, Ben stutters, drinks some wine and then says “I respect your sister a lot…I am not going to put her in a position that is degrading at all [emphasis mine]”

Bachelor recap or Have you had your break today?

Last weekend was the first weekend I went without doing any work at all…it was amazingly refreshing, I miss those weekends!

Looks like the Bachelor has already blown its budget on fancy places so we go to Warsaw, Indiana…and they are trying their hardest to make it seem cool…including giving Ben a shiny red retro truck to drive around in. He meets up with his parents at a diner and does the recap given to him by the producers so that they can show us each woman as they walk down a pathway.

In case you could not tell that it is fall the producers have the ladies play with fallen leaves to really sledgehammer the point home. Emily tells us that she would be happy to come here (Warsaw) and make babies with Ben, someone should tell her that he lives in Denver, and he tells us that often! 

Lauren gets the first one on one and has 30 minutes to get ready…this leads her to panic and say she needs "help to get ready." Look I am not the first guy to comment on how long some women take to get ready, I know the process is easier for me than for a girl, BUT, here the girls were already made up and in Ben’s presence so I cannot understand why she needed THIRTY MORE minutes!

One on One date: 

Ben claims that this date would be the type of date he would take any girl on. He is a liar! We find out that he was the High School QB (of course he was). Ben thinks that because there is no rose on the line the date will be less stressful for Lauren, he is also an idiot. He takes Lauren to the local youth center, that’s cool and all…but date material? Ronnie a kid that clearly does not care about Ben and Lauren makes a half-court shot to cause Ben and Lauren to kiss.

 

Ben surprises the kids with members of the Indiana Pacers (Paul George, George Hill, the team’s coach and the Mascot)…yup, just like any typical date.

 

Conveniently we have a kid crying and we get to see Ben comfort him… “these are some of my favorite moments” at the youth center “when you see a kid needing support” see earlier episodes of this season to realize that Ben thrives on the pain of others! 

 

Another one on one card arrives to the girls and JoJo gets it.

 

Ben tells us that he is not questioning Lauren anymore, so he takes her to his “local dive bar”…YOU DO NOT LIVE THERE ANYMORE! Lauren looks so glassy eyed in her confessional I begin to worry about her…this is partly my coworker K’s fault: she is trying to make me feel like the percentage of persons who go on reality shows and then kill themselves is so high that I feel like I am watching a death pool.

Overall a boring date. 

 

2^nd one on one: 

 

Ben takes Jojo to Wrigley Field as anyone would on a date, except he takes her literally onto the field. There are jerseys made for them sitting on a railing one says ‘Ben Higgins’, the other says ‘Mrs. Higgins’ - makes me think the Cubs were not told for sure which girl would show up so they could not risk printing her name. It starts to rain while they are on the field and of course instead of running off the field they make out. Ben then takes Jojo up to the Wrigley Scoreboard and they get to adjust the board and make out…look Cub fans, when you do not win the World Series again for the umpteenth time, this is the moment you can blame!

 

Group date card arrives and by process of elimination Emily finally gets a one on one date, she breaks down crying.

 

Back to the one on one and there is a table set up in the outfield just for the 2 daters, look I am a cynic but for all my cynicism I would kill for a date with my girl in the outfield of Turner Field!

Jojo admits to being a bit afraid and Ben says he “question(s) to some extent (where her) feelings are.” We know that Ben needs a woman to feel vulnerable for him to feel strong! So Jojo opens up about problems in her past…this of course excites Ben. Jojo tells him that she is “still team Ben, more team Ben than I have ever been” she gets a kiss. “I like wanna give myself to Ben” (oh really?) “Because when I am with Ben I feel myself falling in love.” Hmm does this mean what I think it means?

 

Group date: 

The girls go rowing with Ben, well to be more accurate, 2 girls row themselves and one girl rows with Ben, but even that bit of ‘drama’ was boring. Ben points out to the girls that the rose is very important (“the most important so far”) on this date, and that the girl who gets the rose gets a one on one with Ben and the other girls have to go back to the hotel.

 

Amanda gets the first alone time, and they start discussing her kids.

Becca’s alone time is her telling him that she is scared about falling for him and then she tells him to basically cut her loose if he is not feeling it. “Just don’t blindside me” is her whispered plea to Ben. I think she is much more concerned with coming off looking good than ending up with Ben…just a thought. 

 

The girls keep talking about Ben saying that “this is the most significant rose to him” since the girl that wins the rose gets to take him home to see their family. Caila tells Ben that she does “not have super deep roots” so she doesn’t really have the same sense of community that Ben has. Ben asks her if she thinks she is stable enough to stay in the same place for awhile (the stable part gets me). Caila responds with “honestly I think I have been molded to be adaptable” strange turn of phrase but eh I get it…”I mean I could move a lot or I couldn’t, it is up to us.” Not wishy washy at all!

 

Time to give out that rose: “I am going to give the rose to someone that I want them to feel confident that I am ready to meet their family…that I want to meet their family…Amanda.” Ouch Caila, that has gotta hurt after that outpouring of ‘concern.’

Robot Becca starts to cry and says “I feel like I have gotten nothing from him…my family is important too.”

 

Caila’s turn to cry “part of me hopes that taking him to meet my parents is enough, but maybe that is not enough…maybe I am not what he is looking for.”

The girls return to the room to tell the other girls what happened and Jojo ever the pragmatist says “How can you give one person that much validation?” re Ben’s choice to give Amanda the rose and all that comes with it.

Becca continues to cry that her feelings have been hurt I continue to think she is not concerned about actual ‘love feelings; and more concerned that she will be hurt/look bad.

 

Turns out that McDonald’s has apparently decided to sponsor this evening’s episode, we see Ben and Amanda pretending to order [FROM THE ALL DAY BREAKFAST MENU (there McD’s I will help you more than Ben could)] and Amanda having to say that her kids love McD’s (everyone’s kids love McD’s Ben that is a dumb question to ask) then Ben awkwardly (thespian he is not) says “I have always wanted to work here (DREAM BIGGER FOOL) can we come back there and work?” and of course the McDonald’s lady says…YES! Then we see Amanda taking food orders in that baby voice of hers, if I pulled up (cannot tell last time I went to a McDonald’s…not a fan of seeing cooter punching)  I would be concerned to hear that voice taking my order.

 

The Bachelor has had many a time where they pretended someone has wanted to work somewhere, I have wanted to work at plenty of places, I have no problem with ANYONE earning an honest wage but I have a hard time believing that a mother of 2 and a guy desperately trying to become famous wanted to ever work at McDonald’s. And…how low rent has this show become? This was so blatantly an ad for the items available at McD’s that it felt less subtle than them just scrolling food names down the side as the show went on. I mean it was bad the last few seasons when they did the ‘Tide bleachable moments’ where they showed bloopers from the show as things peeps would want to bleach away, or where they pretended the contestant went to a salon and the salon used XYZ featured product. It was blatant and bad when they had Kevin Hart and Ice Cube show up to Ride Along with the contestants to promote ‘Ride Along 2’, but this? Come on McD’s I hope you get your money back, this was janky as hell and someone should get a week’s time out. Okay rant over…for now.

A customer pulls up “You are the guy from the Bachelor, what are you doing here?” See McD’s even the customers see the absurdity of this. I am sure the workers there love Ben describing Amanda working their job as “so good to see Amanda’s goofy side.” This is so dumb; these are the moments that when I finally quit this show for good will be the catalysts. Ben tells Amanda he has another surprise for her, I was really hoping the usual stupid concert would actually happen inside the McDonald’s. Turns out he is taking her to the fair and there is a crowd out to meet them, Amanda thinks it is great that all these people came out who love and support him…she does know this is for TV right? She probably does not. Look if I were on this show and told my dad I wanted to have a large crowd at an event he could get me a large crowd just from our church congregation that would mean NOTHING, I bet 90% of the people there (probably closer to 99% but I like safe bets) were seeing not just meeting Ben for the first time.

Amanda is talking about her date to Lauren and I start to fade out because the word ‘like’ is featured as a star!

 

Emily’s one on one:

They start out on a pontoon talking about swans.

 

Cut back to the hotel and the other girls are dissecting the potential date.

Caila’s claws come out “I don’t see Emily’s relationship as comparable to mine. Emily is a bright eyed puppy everything is new and exciting. But the thing is, she has so much to learn still, I don’t know if she is there yet.” Or less sanitized “Emily is not as good as me, she is a simpleton.”

Back to the date: and Emily gets to meet the family. Emily “talking to people for me can be a hard thing, I just get really anxious that I don’t make an idiot of myself” my brain initially omitted her saying the words “to people.” Emily says she will have to rely on her conversation skills.


 She gets some alone time with Ben’s mom, points out to the mom that she is one of the youngest and then starts talking a mile a minute like a kid who is afraid that once the adults start talking she will never get another turn. Ben’s mom has the glassy eyed look and repeated ‘uh huhs/mmhmms’ of a parent humoring a child…Ben’s dad to Ben “She seems a little young” cut to Emily repeating to the mom “I am young and I have so many goals and dreams I want to accomplish and I dreamed of being an NFL cheerleader for as long as I could remember…so Denver Broncos yeah!” (mom just nodding and probably wondering if she can still Ground Ben)…“I feel like I am so average at everything in my life but I have always known that deep down in my heart that I would be an above average mom and an above average wife.” (Inside Ben’s mom’s head has got to be images of torture and her mental conflict as to how far she can torture her son and still call it love). Mom – “I was very anxious to meet Emily she is definitely a very [pregnant pause and head tilt] fun individual.” “She is young, she is excited but I think she is a little young for Ben right now.”

Emily with the dad “I love watching movies, if I could sit around all day watching movies I would…what I don’t like? That is hard, I like a lot of things…I mean I don’t like vegetables.”

The mom pulls Ben aside, and is using the Socratic Method to tell Ben that Emily is still young and dumb. She starts to break down in tears when trying to find a nice way to tell Ben that he should not marry Emily. Ben’s mom is a lot like one of my exes, she can make anyone feel welcome while at the same time hardening her heart towards them forever.

 

Emily thinks it went well “I’m on cloud nine right now” - Ben probably answering a direct question from a producer “I love Emily, I think she is incredible, but, do I think right now she is ready to be a wife? I just don’t know if she is, I have a really hard decision.” That last part sounded dubbed like they couldn’t even use his original real response. Emily is still listed as ‘Twin’ for her occupation. Back on the pontoon boat Emily “where are we going, you are not taking me home already are you?” oh girl the hammer is coming LOOK AWAY! Ben takes her to a bench outside the hotel (manor/home they are all shacking up in) so the other girls can see him talking to her; they immediately start to analyze body language “She is happy.”

 

Ben, starts by saying that his parents loved Emily’s smile “they were amazed by your smile” this is the carrot before the stick. Now the voice drops, the tone shifts and the face gets stern “I just don’t think I can see you being my wife…and…it’s tough for me to say because you really have been incredible to me in every moment.” So she was incredible to you, but you thought the best way to let her go was by cuddling with her on a bench in front of the others in the house? Cut to girls inside “Is she sad?” “No, they were just talking.” Because you know, words can never make you sad. “Are you sure? It looks like she is sad.” Ben – “I hope that our relationship was good for you, because it was really good for me”…hmm we still talking about the dating experience? Ben lets her walk back in to tell the other girls and he takes off on the pontoon boat…bloody coward; Emily has to tell the girls the bad news by herself while he just sails off.

 

Rose Ceremony time:

Obvious Man Chris Harrison makes his rare appearance. OMCH sits on some steps outside with Ben and asks him “do you see yourself with the potential to fall in love with all of them…honestly?” This OMCH moment lets Ben know that there is one person that he does not see that with!

Three roses to give out and the girls are looking anxious, Lauren gets the first rose. Jojo gets the second because we knew the drama had to come from the Caila vs Becca drama since those are the only 2 who cried this week. Caila gets the rose, which is a move I agree with based on the parameters of this show, why on earth would you keep Becca when her whole thing seems based around her virginity and not wanting to risk getting hurt (not her virginity). To be clear, I applaud her virginal status, that is fine; making it a central theme is NOT fine…Even when getting sent home Becca’s words to him were “I told you not to blindside me” she just does not seem concerned about creating genuine feelings and attractions and prefers to remain Robot Becca. Now, has she gone far enough to be in contention to be Bachelorette? Yes. Do I want her to be the Bachelorette? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

A coworker of mine says “awesome” much too much, but the preview for next week with what looks like Jojo’s brother calling out Ben with “Ben you brainwash these girls way too much” does actually seem awesome!

 

The blooper reel shows us the girls freaking out from bugs and also how close in the camera men really are to them when they are talking ‘privately.'

The Bachelor recap Or the swimming swine are not the only pigs!

No personal story this week, Valentine’s Day is coming up and I cannot risk saying the wrong thing.

We start with ‘previously on the Bachelor’ it is a recap of Olivia so far this season. We return to ‘current’ with Ben taking Olivia aside. The girls quickly start to talk about whether or not they each  told Ben about Olivia.

Ben asks Olivia about what the women have been saying about her. She seems to have prepared for this moment, the tears seem almost rehearsed. Olivia returns intact and Emily in her confessional calls her tears “fake as F^$@” the girls try to question Olivia but she tells them she does not want to talk. Olivia gloating says they tried but couldn’t get her out “Come at me bro…everyone else can suck it” I now want to think that she and I could watch wrestling together.

So quick recap; the black girl that was funny(ish) and intelligent and served our country was booted on the first day of black history, the girl that no one likes and is a schemer stays on…

Obvious Man Chris Harrison who we really have not seen much of this season shows up to tell us the final rose is on the table…and it goes to the panicked twin Emily. Jennifer gets the boot and while leaving says her biggest fear was leaving without Ben getting to know her, baby girl the audience barely got to know you too.

Olivia tells us that she is “looking forward to the day that Ben Higgins is my husband”

The whole Troupe goes off to the Bahamas (come on Jamaica get this cheap tourism advertising). Caila gets the first one on one and it leaves a couple girls crying. Caila is beaming and letting us know how great it is that she is going on a date, if Jubes had done this the other girls would have cut her down so harshly.

One on one date:

And Caila dry snitches that other girls were jealous of her date time with Ben. They go deep sea fishing with Caila in a bikini as everyone does it. Cut back to the house and Leah is still bawling and lamenting that Caila has the date and she is afraid of going on a 2x1 date. Leah is threatening to leave and one of the Lauren’s is foolishly trying to comfort her and stop her…it is a competition show?

Caila catches a rather large fish and Ben makes her kiss it, not a euphemism.

Back to the date, Caila tells Ben that she cannot yet tell him that she is falling in love with him and then she brings up the trope of the whole season that “Ben is unloveable.” Ben hears this and says in confessional that this might mean that “Caila is going home tonight” of her own doing.

The Group date card arrives and the name announcement means it is Olivia vs Emily, I am so sure this has nothing to do with Emily being the first girl to tell Ben that Olivia is a problem.

Back to the 1x1 and Ben keeps questioning Caila as to whether she is falling in love or not, whether she wants to be there or not and Caila gives such a garbage response I cannot type it. Basically she does the hard to get routine and Ben swoons. She gets the rose. Caila smiling: “I think I confused the crap out of Ben.” Pretty sure this is when my coworker K texted me "Add Caila to the psycho list."

Group Date:

Leah continues to voice out loud her concerns. Ben tells them they are going to swim and chill on a boat, but thanks to all the previews even via ESPN (I cannot escape this show) we know he is lying. He takes them to an island filled with wild pigs. Ben tells them they are going to feed the pigs hotdogs and in a moment of intellect that I did not think these girls capable of, some of them realized that they might be “feeding the pigs 'pig'” Ben assures them that the wieners are chicken based, but we already know he is a liar!!!! He also told the girls that if they crossed their arms the pigs would stop chasing them…he was wrong there too.

Jojo - “This is like a bar in Dallas there are just pigs everywhere” based on what I saw when my friends were using Tinder there she might be right.

Emily gets to call her twin Haley, she is the only one who seems to get telephone time, it is clearly a set up so that we can hear her rant about Olivia.

Back to group date; Lauren B is taking up much of Ben’s time and this annoys the other girls: Leah (I think – honestly when the names are not on the screen I have a hard time telling who is who) says out loud that she quit her job to go on the show…am I supposed to feel sorry for her here? Ben says everything seems to be misfiring for him "here in the Bahamas." Ben tries to get Jojo to reassure him, he might have forgotten the show’s premise for a bit. 

Leah crying starts to tell Ben that she was hurt that he took Caila for another One on One date instead of her. Ben tells her she should make the most of her group date time with him, I wonder if all the women who thought he was such a ‘sweet guy’ continue to think so as the season goes on?

Evening portion:

Ben takes Becca off first he says “it feels like today you were a bit standoffish to me” she responds with “I was” the look on his face when she replied cracked me up. Becca tells him that he basically spent too much time with Lauren B and as you would in an ordinary relationship rewards him with a make-out session.

So Ben taking a hint from his Becca convo uses that as a starting point with the other girls coming along. He tells the girls to be open and honest with him…they of course are not. Leah pulls Ben aside and throws Lauren B under the bus calling her fake; she takes time to back the bus up to make sure the tracks on Lauren B are clear.

Ben immediately raises Leah’s concerns to Lauren B. This leaves her crying and she tells the other girls what Ben has said to her, Leah immediately says “I didn’t say anything” and continues to make claims that she did not have to make “I would never bring your name up” etc. etc. Amanda gets the group date rose.

 

Leah goes over to Ben’s room to talk to him more about Lauren B…but remember she would never do that: Her arrival ‘surprises’ Ben since he appears to just be sitting and staring off into space; like normal people do. Back at the hotel the other girls have discovered through the process of elimination that Leah had to have been the one to tell Ben that Lauren B is fake. Ben is not happy that Leah is taking all of her alone time with him to talk about Lauren B.  Ben tells Leah “that something just doesn’t feel right.” Leah is about to learn a valuable lesson “DON’T SNITCH” and if you are “informing” get it right, keep it succinct and then make out! Do these girls not do their homework? Do they not watch previous seasons? I barely started watching this show a couple years ago and I already know all the ‘rules.’

Two on One date:

And it starts off awkwardly as these things always do. Ben takes Olivia aside first. Oliva tells Ben that last week was scary and then she says things that I do not think she knows what they mean – “I am an introvert…deep intellectual things are just my jam.” She says that she has come to new realizations, Ben – “Like what” she stumbles then says “Like I am in love with you.”

Emily starts off with the passion arguments “I want to grow; I want you there for the new things I experience.” She says all of this while her face gets covered by her hair.

Olivia with her usual cockiness “there is a lot of pressure on this date for Emily” I love that she clearly does not consider the possibilities of other girls having a shot.

Ben takes Olivia aside while walking with the rose, and Emily looks crestfallen. Emily starts to say that she is feeling sorry for Ben. Olivia says she is sorry for Emily because Ben is now hers and she and Ben can now move forward. Ben tells Olivia that he cannot give her the rose and Olivia looks like she got hit by a brick to the face, it does not help that the wind is fiercely whipping around them and her nose and lips are super red.

Ben walks back to Emily with the rose while Olivia is forced to watch from a distance. Look I know peeps do not like Olivia, but this was a deliberately cruel move by the show and Ben. And then we have the scene where the boat goes off with Ben and Emily and Olivia is left standing on the beach by herself as if she has been marooned.

Even if you think the above scenes are solely producer driven Ben went along with them and Ben did not help to spare Olivia's feelings one bit.

Cocktail party time: Or is it?

Ben has OMCH go in to tell the ladies that he is not going to have a cocktail party tonight, if this is truly Ben’s doing and not the producer’s it is an asshole move since as a former contestant he has to know that this is time the contestants value greatly for last minute schmoozing. Becca who I truly think is trying to become the Bachelorette feigns concern. It is down to the 2 Laurens for the final rose and Lauren B gets the rose!

The blooper reel has a “bat” getting into the house with the resulting screaming from the ladies but I think it is just a large moth…yup we finally get a close up and it is just a moth!

 

Bachelor recap or...she lasted longer than anyone expected.

My cholesterol is down 20 points from my blood donation during the holiday season…Yeesh America Thanksgiving and Christmas are killing us. Now that my physical health has been confirmed to be intact, time to slaughter the mental health component…on to the show. 

Uh oh the show is going to Mexico - cultural misappropriation here we come! The ‘coming up’ in the show already has Jubilee crying and Olivia being mean, guess we are just going to run back some earlier themes!

Are we sure this is not our first salvo in the war against Mexico? If a Trump political ad runs during this show I will take it as a sign. We are striking at the Heart of Mexico we are taking on Mexico City and they are never going to see it coming…“Ooh pretty girls…no no stop, take them back America” too late suckers your country is now dumber.

Amanda gets the one on one date and Olivia who gets to sit away from the ‘couch of no-room’ looks like murder. Olivia tells us that she is surprised Amanda’s name is on the card “because she does have children…and I do not think that that is what Ben wants.” Let us not forget that Olivia has repeatedly told us this season that she can read Ben’s mind. 

4:20am one on one Date begins:

Ben you know that is not what peeps mean by 420 right? The show does that foolish move where the Bachelor goes and wakes all the girls up ridiculously early in the morning to surprise them. It always amuses me that the girls have to pretend that they are not incredibly pissed “I love that they all rolled with it” no Ben they all rolled with it because it is a competition show, try that if you were not the Bachelor and were instead competing for all these girls! Stupid moves like this are why we have more and more girls each season going to bed fully made up.

Off into a hot air balloon to start the date and look at the pyramids in Teothuacan (best believe I am not sure of that spelling) and Ben is spouting off info as if no one is feeding him the info. Oh what’s this an open field? Then we are definitely going to set up a fake picnic here. These two try to set a ‘like’ record: “I am trying to take this time for myself, like it is so unnatural for me…so coming here and like having to do that is like hard for me, like part of the reason is like you don’t know anything about me, like I told you about my kids and like you handled it so well but like I still get nervous to you know like tell you about my life.” Ben – “Like I do want to know you and like I do want to ask you questions.” In prep school (in the hood ‘THUG LIFE’) one of our teachers hammered into us “avoid the word like” it is okay to use it but if you try to avoid it you diminish your falling into the ‘like trap’. When I hear more than 2 likes in a sentence I cannot help but diminish someone’s intellectual capacity in my own head and this is from a man that sometimes falls into the Trini trap of saying “I find” too often in speech but ‘I find that the Bachelor franchise like, uses the word ‘like’ a lot, like you know what I am saying?’

Back to the casa (I know, I know you loved what I did there) and the Date Card arrives “Como se dice the way to a man’s heart” is the first line on the date card the young lady reading it reads it out loud like a child with their very first ‘Speak and Spell’. Lauren gets the one on one date by virtue of not being on the group date card…Olivia looks overjoyed for her.

Back to the one on one date and Amanda starts a sentence with “Uhmm, I think, I mean, you know…” that is the START of the sentence! She is in charge of 2 children, just saying. Turns out her man was cheating on her, and she found out by reading text messages he was exchanging with other women – the snark in me says he was just trying to talk to someone in complete sentences. Ben tells her that he is appreciative that she is here to spend time with him, “giving up on your time” (I really wanted him to say “your kids” not time); I say it every season but HOW DO YOU LEAVE YOUNG KIDS AT HOME TO DO THIS CRAP? I am always wary of critiquing parents, you never know the struggle from the outside looking in…but seriously?

Group date à 9 women:

Based on the date card the girls are expecting a cooking date, but instead they start with a Spanish language lesson. We get to see Jubilee getting madder/sadder throughout the date as other girls spend time with Ben. Jubes says in a confessional “does he even remember who I am?” Jubes you are the black girl he cannot forget you!

“I know Spanish, but I can always learn more” Olivia ever the humble one. Olivia tells us there is electricity between them “I don’t know if you noticed it” oh girl!

So now the girls go to a cooking lesson: but the recipes are in Spanish the girls are broken into teams of 2 with Ben as the wild card, Olivia takes charge and commandeers Ben as her teammate despite Jubes valiant effort to hold the fort and keep him to herself (she was in the military you know).

Emily’s job description is still listed as Twin! This show really does an amazing job of reducing women…I would take a stance and stop watching but…then the Bachelorette does the same to men so, equality I guess? Ben and Olivia go to get mint as one of their ingredients (did I mention the groups have to source their ingredients?) and they both pop it in their mouth, Emily (the fun twin) thinks that this is because Olivia’s breath “smells like $#%t.”

Date card arrives for Lauren H (I do not believe her listed age).

Ben talking about the cooking - “I am no longer the Bachelor I am the Spatchulor” yeah crickets.

The girls have to produce their dishes to the chefs who will judge, Jojo: “I am really excited for the Chef’s to taste my taco, Ben already tasted my taco, and he loved it (audible chuckle)…I know my taco is delicious it is just a matter if the chef thinks so too.” The chef says “your taco is very good.” My friend E, even before I got to see it pointed out this whole scene to me, dirty girl!!!

Olivia presents her dish to the chefs, it is Mole and she “decided to put some crickets on it” the sister chef whispers to her brother in Spanish “It looks like dog food, Nico” 

all while Olivia is proudly presenting it. Her irrational confidence is my favorite thing about her, “it is really good, our bread is buttered perfectly it is awesome” meanwhile it looks like this 

. Even while the chefs say “presentation wise it is not very appealing” she is saying “I think we got second” at least. Jubilee and Lauren B’s recipe gets massive praise from the chefs!

Evening portion:

Jubes tells us her plan is to grab Ben first of all the women, she FAILS, as Ben is finishing his initial toast/greeting Olivia says “Ben can I grab you?” Olivia’s move pays off as she gets the first kiss of the night. Lauren B goes on a tour of the city with Ben and while that is happening we cut back to Jubes arm folded and looking fierce – Did I mention she is a former soldier? 

Jubes is getting frustrated and starts to send others out to look for Ben. I do not think she is handling it well but I understand the frustration; when you are on a group date taking time to go on a walking tour of the city with one girl, kind of leaves the other girls with nothing to do. Ben finally returns and asks Jubes to go with him she says “let’s not hold hands because I do not want to make anyone else feel uncomfortable.” The other girls relay that as “Do you hear what she said? Let’s not hold hands.” Jubes makes it easy for them to hate on her but they certainly do kick it up a notch!

Jubes tells Ben her ludicrous point from earlier “Do you notice me, do I stick out at all?” UHMMM YES! There, please never ask that dumb question again. Quick tangent, I am pro women in the military, I am pro women on the front lines and I think it is absolutely stupid and paternalistic that only men should/have to register for selective service. BUT, when idiots try to come up with arguments that women should not serve, this kind of simpering, ‘whoa is me’ kind of reaction from a veteran (did I tell you she is a former soldier) is what those idiots point to. Okay back to the show – Ben is trying to get Jubes to open up.

Ben tells Jubes that he feels like she has been the one pulling away from him and points out to her that she wouldn’t even hold his hand. The other girls start to comment on how long Jubes and Ben have been gone (25 minutes is one claim). Jubes out loud says she “like you know overthinks everything” like we know Jubes! Ben asks her if she thinks there could still be something between them she turns it back around to “I just want you to tell me that you can still see something…” Ben tells her that it would be unfair of him to tell her that he thinks something could exist…well she asked. So Ben tells her “I think it is best that tonight we say goodbye.” Long time readers of the blog already know my feelings on how this show treats people of color, but here (even if the show does not try hard to keep someone like Jubes) she made it easy to send her home. When there are 11 persons to choose from why should someone have to spend their time stressing about catering to just one?

BUT now racial conspiracist me kicks in BACK TO BACK TO BACK weeks we lose the darkest colored peeps on the show? And we start the first episode of the first day of Black History month kicking off the black girl? Word? Word son, this is what we are going to be doing? Yeah you better cry Ben…we see you homie.

Olivia gets the date rose which shocks Jojo since she had just taken Ben aside to make out with him, using the trauma of Jojo going home as her in! I am proud of K and E for not immediately sending me texts or emails that Jubes was booted!

One on one date Lauren H:

Ben “What most people don’t know about Mexico city is that it is known for its fashion”…uhmm which is it Ben is it known or unknown? Ben takes Lauren H to a fashion week show and the organizers tell them that they are going to be a part of the show to which Ben reacts with ecstasy…hey I thought we were supposed to be pretending that he set this date up???????

Lauren gets to walk the runway and does the things that seem most important to her, not throwing up and not falling. K sent me a message that Ben seemed to take the task so seriously that it looked like he was auditioning for ANTM (I want to pretend that I had to look up what that acronym stood for).

The evening portion:

Lauren shares her painful story…her guy cheated on her; K sent me an email mocking it (“no way would I admit on national television that some guy played me for a fool”) she was right to do so. Lauren shared her story like it was a bit of trauma and Ben stares at her with a blank expression 

that makes me think he is thinking of puppies. 

 It gets her a kiss, but you knew it would.

Cocktail Party:

Olivia continues her cocky trend and rubs it in the other girl’s faces that she is safe. She plays a fake reporter holding her rose as a microphone in her confessional, now that Jubes is gone – Did I tell you that she is a reporter?

This High Five: 

Olivia calls Amanda “like an episode of Teen Mom” and in trying to make it better she goes further with “you know like that TV show?” She is not helping her situation. So to try to avoid seeming heartless she tries to cry, but the tears do not sway the Twin. The twin thinks it is time she tells Ben what she really thinks about Olivia “it might make us stronger as a couple.” She acknowledges that she might offend him and that if that happens it might mean it is time for her to go home. She goes from trying to sound like a calm person to breaking down crying almost instantly (or maybe edited to instantly). So while Emily is crying about how badly Olivia treats the girls behind Ben’s back, who should show up to interrupt? Well if you guessed Jubes you are wrong!

My feed degrades completely as Olivia starts to talk to Ben, I debate restarting the app but eh, do I really need to see Olivia’s facial expressions? Or Ben’s blank stare when he tries to process emotion? The feed cleared up before I had to make too many decisions. Olivia is giving Ben a gift while we cut to Emily calling Haley in her confessional and holding the speaker phone unnaturally. Emily is calling Olivia a bitch on the phone while quite literally ‘clutching her hand to her chest’; she appears as if she is trying to figuratively massage her heart!

Ben starts to question various girls about Olivia and they are all more than happy to throw her under the bus. OMCH shows up to tell Ben that it is time for the rose ceremony but Ben tells OMCH that he needs a moment and he takes Olivia aside. The girls start to wonder if her rose will be taken away…they say it like it is a break down in a nuclear arms treaty. We get the dreaded ‘to be continued’…and tonnes of tears - that is the thing I want the most! Oh and a great pose of Ben on a cliff!

 In the blooper reel we see Amanda showing Emily how to do a tequila shot, she says that she did one before the last rose ceremony, maybe this is why Emily is so emotional in this one?