Bachelor recap or Beware Jamaica will make you fall in love vol.2.34

There is a commercial I really hate on TV; it is pandering to men and women (which is a rare feat). It is the Miller light ad that features a woman who has been invited to a Chardonnay party but instead is going to buck the host’s wishes and bring BEER to the party under the guise of she would “bring a sledgehammer to a thumb tack.” That is already bad enough, if I invite you to a party follow my bloody wishes but on top of that the beer she chooses as the one to make the point is MILLER LIGHT? That is like telling the host “Not only do I not care about your rules/wishes but I also want to pee on your couch.” I would kick you out of my Chardonnay party if you showed up with that swill. You can show up to a Chardonnay party with another type of wine under the guise of “hey let’s try this” or “I do not drink Chard but I still wanted to drink wine with y’all” or you can just not show up, but YOU BEST NOT BE ENTERING MY WINE PARTY WITH MILLER! “She brings a flamethrower to a bonfire…she brings Miller Lite to a chardonnay party…GTFOH”

Mini Rant over, time for the show:

Aw crap we are still playing this foolish game of watching it alongside of a live studio Audience? Ben’s pastor is there and we see him looking into hisbible and taking notes, because we needed that proof. I hope he is looking up the passage that will excuse this moment, I suggest Isaiah 41:10 (look it up you heathens). And how much am I supposed to buy this guy as Ben’s pastor…Ben lives in Colorado now, we can stop pretending! 

We return to JAMAICA, the island is beating Lauren up and apparently causing her to crinkle her eyes into the sun…or because the producers will not allow her to use sunglasses. JoJo got to use more makeup for her ‘natural’ look.

Ben tells us he is in love with 2 women and he does not know how to handle it. 

Ben’s parents get the free trip to JAMAICA and they are beaming. Ben’s mom looks concerned that he has told 2 women that he loves them; the dad looks like he is wondering if it is too soon to start drinking the rum.

Ben’s mom uses words that I am sure will comfort Jojo when she watches this “Ben did say that he loves Lauren, but he talks like he loves ‘this other’girl too.” Nothing like being the other girl to feel great! The mom calls it disturbing that Ben loves 2 women…but coming on a show with dozens of girls, that part was okay? Lauren tells the parents that she told Ben on the first date that she wants to meet his parents, she pretends it was spontaneity, I suspect calculation.

The dad pulls Lauren aside, and he asks her if she is in love with Ben, she of course says yes. Time for the mom to try to stump Lauren; the mom says that Ben is his worst critic. I cannot even imagine my parents talking to these girls they would ruin these poor girls and they would not care that it is on camera. I guess that is why peeps like me are not on these shows. No way does my dad lead with a softball like “are you in love with CaliJ?” He would probably say something more like “Are you emotionally damaged, why on earth are you trying to date this boy?” And that is IF they even bothered to show up for the taping. 

Lauren tells Ben that she is “totally ready to get engaged” right after telling him that marriage is so important for her because she is only going to do it once. Maybe she meant once on camera?

JoJo shows up looking very nervous and she confesses it to the parents. Ben is one of those guys that tells his parents way too much about his love life explaining that they took a helicopter ride to the Hoover dam but they didn’t see much of it, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. BARF!

JoJo gives the dad a much better answer than Lauren since he gave her an essay question basically; “tell me everything you like about my son and why.”

Ben’s mom tells JoJo that Ben described her as “safe” she seems nonplussed. Safe is something you say about a Volvo, safe is not sexy. The mom seems to really like JoJo.

Ben’s parents seem to be agonized by the decision making process, but for a family that faith is supposedly so important to no one mentions God’s guidance? Does the show warn them not to say anything, or does it cut out religious references? My parents wish God’s guidance to me when I am trying to make a decision like what day to fly home and this kid is going to pick a wife, (and ‘his pastor’ is going to show up) and no one thinks to look to God?

Lauren meets Ben on a catamaran and I think, “This is the way to do island life…if you are fabulously wealthy.” Ben’s convo with Lauren feels like I am listening in on someone who just learned English and is struggling to make sure they use the correct words to convey meaning. 

In the evening Lauren is rocking a dress and Ben shows up in a pullover, A. it is a hot tropical island playa and B. dress up a little man, yeesh. I am missing much of this terrible dialog because I am busy searching Catamaran trips in JAMAICA and wondering if it would be terrible of me to take one out solo! Ben tells Lauren “No matter what happens, you have made me a better person” – great so if he picks JoJo, Lauren has the satisfaction of knowing she improved him for her? This of course leaves Lauren afraid, so we are back to the early season move of Ben shattering the girl and then trying to comfort her.

The good thing about these stupid ‘live studio look ins’ is that I can get through this show faster. “It’s not that Lauren has taken a step back, it is that JoJo has stepped up.” Seriously this kid is going to have a lot of explaining to do to the one he ends up with. JoJo says “they are very friendly here in JAMAICA” yes, yes we are, but that dude who was chasing your car and yelling “Welcome, welcome” just wanted your tourist dollars. Ben takes Lauren to the Blue Hole, great now we have to repair that place! If they wanted to make it the authentic Blue Hole tourist experience they would have had a guide pestering them to show them around.

In the evening, Lauren is wearing an outfit that make me think she is wearing plenty of tape and the post production coordinator (my former job gotta give it a shoutout) was probably panicking making sure that nothing needed to be blurred. E texts me to point out that Ben’s date with Lauren was terrible and that the date with JoJo is going so much better…bear in mind this is even though this date has Ben constantly sighing, stuttering and putting his head in his hands because he cannot express himself.

Ben and Jojo go into the bathroom to escape the cameras, they know they are still mic’d right? I guess not…JoJo again showing that she is smarter (or savvier than Lauren) says to Ben after he tells her “I love you” “but you told her that too didn’t you?” to which he had to say yes. 

A Heidi Klum ad comes on that fascinates me but I would never want anyone to see me watching it.

Neil Lane gets to make his trip to JAMAICA to bring us some gaudy rings and to ask Ben if he has chosen someone, Ben does his usual answer of putting his hand to his head and not using words. Ben says, “Looking down at the ring, I know who I am going to propose to” I guess something about the ridiculous ring triggers thoughts of her? Does that mean she likes looking like a clown? That ring is gaudy as all hell.

JoJo’s dress throws me for a loop it is one step away from a ghetto prom dress, but she is so pretty she is ‘pulling it off’ I think? The Bachelor has not exhausted its helicopter  budget so both girls get helicopter trips despite being on an island that you can drive from one end to the other in under 4 hours…just saying (during the time of filming the new Highway had not opened yet, so now they could do it in under 3).

JoJo and her prom dress arrive first, her voice over has her telling us how much she wants to spend the rest of her life with Ben, I feel like she is about to be slaughtered. JoJo is holding hands with Ben and trying to talk her way into love “it’s crazy to think that in a couple months you have become my best friend and the man I love.” Ben if you are not going to pick her, why let her get that whole speech out? You do not care about someone if you let her expose herself like that and not just let her go. Ben tells JoJo that re love “I found it with you [pause] but I found it with someone else more.” Jojo’s face at this moment: Tell me again how nice a guy he is? E and I are now battling over text about the ring; I think it is so gaudy even a rapper wouldn’t rock it I am now seriously wondering if I could/should buy her a cracker-jack ring for her next birthday, but I do not want to spoil her.

So Ben has told Jojo that he loves another woman more than her but continues to hold her hands and tells her he does not want to let go…really bro? “Can I walk you out?” “If you want to.” Hmm Ben cut himself shaving! How do I know this, because while he is inappropriately hugging JoJo too long we get a close up of the side of his face, again, this is the girl you are dumping…let her go. Jojo’s dress suffers in the daytime; I think it would look so much better at night where it could sparkle under lights but not have the beading show up as it does in bright sunlight. 

Ben calls Lauren’s dad for his permission - that is going to be an expensive call, hope he has international roaming. The dad gives him his blessing and Ben whoops. ..via text E points out something I missed “Her dad said have a great night (wink wink)” I feel like Jojo should have known she wasn’t getting picked when she arrived so early in the day…but hey the heart can trick the brain.

Lauren tells Ben “I love you” repeatedly and Ben pauses and you can see the panic in Lauren’s face. Lauren of course says yes to the proposal. They repeat to each other “you’re my person” over and over again (so this cheesy show is ripping off lines from another cheesy show? Grey’s Anatomy for those scoring at home…and yes that show is STILL on, and still getting good ratings, ShondaLand is strong! )

Another couple tricked by the magic of JAMAICA.

Let’s see if I can survive this ‘After the final Rose’ junk show:

I really do not like Ben’s pastor and that is with knowing NOTHING about the man, I just hate that he is constantly holding the Bible as a prop!

JoJo comes out and Ben continues to prove that he is not the smoothest - “My life has moved on” he is trying to explain that the Bachelor moments with JoJo are over. Jojo tells us that she is good friends with Lauren and “that she is an amazing person.”

JoJo tries to explain her life right after leaving JAMAICA, she said watching the show helped her a lot in putting the pieces together to move on. I would like to think she is now thinking she dodged a bullet.

JoJo is identified as the new Bachelorette…about that diversity thing that the producers promised? Another southern girl – nope that is not diverse. Another white girl – that is not diverse. Another girl with a vague job description – nope that is not diverse. This show cannot even pretend to care can it? I don’t even hate the pick of JoJo she will do fine, I hate the pretense that they were going to go diverse and then gave us much of the same it felt like they were pandering especially coming off the ‘Women tell all’ where they pitted ‘blacks against each other’ and told the black girl “You are complicated.” The racial dog whistles are already very strong with this show, why antagonize and tease the fan base so much more.

Apparently JoJo has said that her mom is Persian could the show really be claiming this as the diversity? Look I know there are peeps that claim that if minorities are put on the show the ratings will go down…well how about we test that? Some of the strongest properties on ABC have strong minority leads and if you think I am kidding, check out the ratings for Scandal, How to Get away with Murder, Quantico, Fresh off the Boat, Black-ish and Grey’s Anatomy. Now check out the ratings for some of their predominantly white programming (I will not shame those shames by naming them) but let’s just say Texas Oil programs did not fare well this year on TV. Minority, led, driven and featuring shows can do well, have done well and are doing well, so let us stop pretending that the country is not ready for it. 

I pretty much glossed over Lauren’s arrival on the stage it was as vanilla as it has always been, cutesy smile, childish giggle, avoidance of big words. Maybe Lauren is secretly sesquipedalian but nothing I have seen this season shows it!

Then there is a segment with Jimmy Kimmel overacting and every one having to over-laugh to get the segment over.

So Ben’s minister is brought out to call Ben’s bluff that he would marry Lauren immediately, and he continues to hold the bible as a prop. It disgusts me; I know it shouldn’t tick me off this much, and I think it is me coming at it from such a personal place as the son of a minister but the bible should not be a prop to sell your authority! Instead of doing the wedding Ben brings out Lauren’s family for a re-proposal…note earlier he said they wouldn’t do the wedding because they needed to do it in front of family and friends but in his re-proposal (reprosal?) he points out “In front of your family, and my family and friends…will you marry me?” Uhmm so all your family and friends are there? I obviously do not think he should be pressured into instant marriage but come on don’t make that the excuse then immediately produce all the family and friends.

The Women Tell All, and Jubilee shines!

Some of my coworkers have been very fake recently, that will happen in any competitive environment…except…we are not supposed to be competing. This will be tonight’s Women Tell All, they have already passed the competition stage but they will still be throwing each other under the bus for just that little bit more of screen time.

We start as has become the norm with OMCH (Obvious Man Chris Harrison) and the Bachelor dropping in on various homes to see Bachelor fans. The door to the first home just happens to be open, cause that is completely safe and normal. And of course every house is crowded. Where are the clips of the guy on his couch watching via his DVR while he types on his ridiculously large laptop and plays Words with Friends? Where is the clip of the guy asking “What the hell are you doing in my house?”

Okay finally time to meet the ladies and Tiara has a chicken with her…moments like this make me really question why I watch. Jubilee gets a huge roar from the crowd, so does Becca, Amanda and Caila.

The attacks on Olivia start immediately and the chicken interrupts by trying to fly away. Leah gets booed when OMCH mentions her and she still tries to cover up her lying, as if we do not all have TVs she says “I didn’t intentionally lie.”

Uh oh Jubilee is being attacked for saying she would be the first ‘real’ black girl to make it far, Amber and Jami the 2 bi-racial girls go after her…it is black on black crime. For me even if she said that…so what? She would be right! And that is not taking out the bi-racial girls that is including them, even half black girls get dumped so quickly on this show it makes sense that a black girl would notice and point it out if she seems to be going far. (My coworker K when she finally watched it sent this “Jami is trying so hard to be relevant.”)

I do not think that Amber and Jami realize where Jubilee is coming from, she was not taking shots at them for being half black she was not diminishing their blackness she was pointing out the ludicrousness of the shows lack of diversity that it is a visible thing that a black girl is moving from episode to episode.

OMCH plays pop psychologist with Jubilee and the most important thing to come out of Jubilee’s time on the hot seat is that she is still in the military and just made Sergeant! I have chosen on purpose not to write too much about this moment because it ticked me off and felt like OMCH was just trying to get Jubes to break down and cry, he kept acting as if Jubes needed Ben for validation and to certify her place as a woman.

Lace is next, she is so much calmer now than on the show, which I think has got to disappoint the producers. And then some guy shows up with Lace’s face tattooed on him, I have got to think he is a plant - he got all the way up to the stage and interrupts the show with “I don’t think you are crazy, I think you are crazy beautiful” so that he can get a picture of Lace posing beside his tattoo of Lace? And it works?!?

Olivia, come on down; Olivia is taking a very calm tone, but the ladies are not buying it. Amanda tells her “being a mom is something I am so proud of, being a mom is my jam” that gets applause…this audience will applaud anything – who isn’t proud of being a mom? The twins attack in unison, while I hate the twinning thing, I like this, yup I am a hypocrite. Olivia tries the “I was bullied as a child, severely bullied” play for sympathy – it does not work, the audience does not look empathetic and the girls attack her for bullying them as a former victim of bullying. Apparently Olivia is getting attacked via social media, I never get that, why do peeps do that? I don’t mean jokes, that stuff can be petty but fine, but to personally attack, to threaten, to wish harm, that is the stuff of idiots.

Caila comes down to a tonne of cheers. Caila points out that it was hard to tell Ben she loved him and not have him say it back. She wants closure; I doubt she will get it.

Ben comes out and he is as fake as ever. Maybe that is not fair to him, but I do not trust him, I think he says just what he thinks peeps wanna hear. Jubilee calls him out for telling her one thing and Caila another. Becca finally gets some mic time and it was just as big a waste of time as when she was on the show. Ben proves to us that he can still tell the twins apart…I think he just guessed and got lucky.

The bloopers were pretty fun especially when Becca used the name of the wrong Bachelor and caught herself with “#$#% wrong season” glad she knows she is living her life season to season on this show.

Bachelor recap or, no seriously I will never love you, leave now!

I am a very practical man, I know that most peeps are in business just to get ahead no matter the costs of friendship, so when peeps at work do shady stuff I just shrug it off and think in my head “I am better than you.”  I think of the last few weeks of the Bachelor/ette shows like this, these girls are all ostensibly co-workers in the business of manufactured love and they are all willing to cut each other’s’ throats.

 

JAMAICA, Ben’ describes it as paradise, he aint lying, even though he sometimes seems to be pronouncing JAMAICA wrong.

 

We do the usual recap thing where Ben lists the names of the women so we can get clips of them throughout the season. First Caila, Ben is worried that she smiles too much and he might not be able to see beneath her surface…that is a mild way of saying “I think she is fake.”

Lauren: “she is” and Jojo “she is” oh screw this just show me clips of JAMAICA.

 

Caila says, “I have just got to remember to be myself” a fake? Lauren “I just don’t know if I can do it”…telling Ben that she loves him, Jojo would hate if her brothers were the reason she and Ben do not work out.

 

Back from commercial to JAMAICA and we have Ben doing the walk of destiny down a jungle path. First up is Caila

 

Caila:

They raft down the Martha Bae River in JAMAICA the conversation is dead! The rafts man looks bored, I feel you dread! They stop off for some jerk pork and the conversation does not spice up (yeah yeah I could not resist). Caila tells us that she cannot tell Ben that she loves him because there are 2 other women there and it is really bothering her.

 

Night time – decision time:

Caila comes out swinging; she knows what is on the line. She tells Ben that in all her other relationships she knew something was wrong, but with him she knows everything is right so she tells him that she is in love with him. He immediately kisses her (because this is his move when he doesn’t know what to say); she says he doesn’t have to say anything because she can tell in his eyes that he is in love with her. The kiss triggers the appearance of the fantasy suite invitation. Caila does not hesitate or equivocate she is going to use the heck out of that fantasy suite. They do what I always tell peeps they should do - go out to the water in JAMAICA late at night, it is amazing, it is magical and it is romantic… Ben “I could wake up in the morning and know that Caila is the woman for me.” Does that mean he is going to judge it post sex? Does her performance change his mind? To drive home the importance of the night the show lets off fireworks because they are never content to just use mild metaphors.

 

We return to the show with the happy couple still in bed…this show is trying so hard to one day show us sex, I am genuinely surprised a Bachelor/ette sex tape has not leaked yet. Ben kisses her goodbye. Now because of the promos and his not saying “I love you” to her am I to immediately believe she is a goner? This has robbed me of suspense!

 

Lauren:

They meet along the side of the road it looks like Ocho Rios, Ben tells her he has a really great day planned? Really Ben, you planned it? All the way in JAMAICA? I am from the island, I know where everything is, I still have friends and business partners there and I have a hard time coordinating dates and I am supposed to believe YOU, planned a whole day on my island? And YOU knew where Gibraltar Beach was in JAMAICA and knew that you could be there for the release of Sea Turtles? 3 of my friends work for the Fishery and environmental departments and I have a degree in Zoology and I couldn’t get this hook up in JAMAICA but tell me again how YOU set this date up. And yes I know a strong portion of this rant is coming from jealousy…I stand by it. If the sea turtle population in JAMAICA suddenly dips I will blame this show!

 

Ben tells Lauren that he started crying when he was asked what makes him good enough for her, he is putting in more effort with Lauren than he ever tried with Caila. Caila girl I hope those bags are packed, the man kept you there just to play with your anatomical fun house, the other girls are here for the longer haul…but hey you probably get to be the Bachelorette.

 

The Night time is the right time:

 

So something you should learn about the JAMAICAN people, we do not really like to fake many things, so when Ben and Lauren are joining a pretend concert the show has a hard time featuring the other concert goers because so many of those peeps look straight at the camera with stone faces. I love it and I miss that about my peeps.

 

Lauren and Ben are trading off reassuring the other person “no you are the best” “No you are the reason I am here.” The fantasy suite card arrives and Lauren tells Ben she “is very excited to go” to the fantasy suite, she couches it as time to get to know him etc etc…but we know what that is code for. “I need to let all my walls down and really open up to Ben” I cannot even decide if I am being juvenile or just accepting that the show is really trying to play this kind of double entendre up. Lauren tells Ben that she is in love with him and that he is the man of her dreams.

Ben tells here that he has “known for a while that I am in love with you as well.” Lauren looks appropriately shocked! So she repeats “Ben I love you” and he continues with “I love you too.” I wonder what kind of heart-attack the onsite producer initially had when she/he heard Ben say against script “I love you.”

See that people? That is the power of JAMAICA!

 

The next morning we get Ben saying “Honey I made breakfast” and the show featuring clothes strewn on the floor – subtle. There is more post coitus talk than Caila got, with Ben telling Lauren again that he loves her, she didn’t respond to the long pause so he had to continue talking.

 

JoJo:

She runs up and they start making out. Jojo pretends that she does not know what her brothers said to Ben. The helicopter budget kicks back in…seriously compare this season against the Bachelorette, the Bachelorette Leads are getting HOSED! They head to YS Falls, that is great for me since I was just there 2 months ago, I love these little trips down my memory lane of JAMAICA.

 

We get to see that Ben has a terrible tattoo and the blur of his butt crack. Jojo tells Ben that when she thinks about the future she sees him in it and that she loves him. Ben responds “Jojo I love you too.” It catches her by surprise “Are you allowed to say that?” “I am not” and of course they make out…I wonder how she is going to feel when she watches this back…less than 24 hours before, he told the same to Lauren. Her brothers are going to kill him, and Lauren is going to kill him when she realizes he said it to Jojo much faster than he did with her.

 

Night time for the third time:

Jojo keeps telling Ben how shocked she is that he said “I love you” back to her and that it means the world to her. Ben expresses concern about the family dynamic so Jojo finally asks him about it. Jojo says she wishes she could have stuck up for Ben with her family. An aside, one of her brothers was on a reality dating show – the aggressive brother Ben (not to be confused with Bachelor Ben) was on the experimental dating show ‘Ready for Love.’

 

Jojo straddles the middle well; she defends her brothers while telling Ben that she is on his side. The fantasy suite card comes out and Jojo says “I would love nothing more than to spend the night with you.” The one flaw for me with this show now being in JAMAICA is that girls are going to expect this JAMAICA when I take them home! Their suite has a private pool and a private hot tub my home in JAMAICA just has a pool my parents never installed the hot tub, we have the whole deck area for it…does that count? I blame them for my lack of happiness! How am I ever going to find a wife if I cannot give her some hot tub time?

 

We get another post coitus scene with breakfast in bed. But we know thanks to previews that the harmony cannot last and I know through spoilers from Elizabeth (yup you get the full name when you violate the no spoiler rule) that Caila is returning to the forefront before the rose ceremony.

 

Ben “but with Caila I couldn’t say it” he is talking about his inability to say I love you to her, I know the producers are probably pushing him to talk and say these things, but he is coming across like a jackass. Caila tells us that she wants to see Ben because she wants to tell him that a relationship with her is going to be full of fun and surprises…oh there will be a surprise. So Caila goes to Ben’s villa and just roams around it looking for Ben and then runs up to surprise him with a kiss from behind. She really comes across like a little kid playing at being in love via a Disney fairy tale rather than a grown woman in love. Ben by the way was just sitting in a chair staring out at the ocean as one is wont to do when in an island paradise with a bunch of cameras and producers.

 

Ben sits Caila down and we see the hammer being raised and it is looking like it is starting to dawn on Caila that she might be the nail…Ben hammers in that she is not the one by telling her that he is not only letting her go but that he has told the other two women that he loves them and that he cannot tell it to her. Caila might be the next Bachelorette but I hope she does not continue the façade of “I do not think that I can be loved” Ben did it last season and became the Bachelor if she becomes the Bachelorette we will have another season of this being carried forward and it is just a fake line!

 

Caila has a really classy exit for someone who was just bouncing around and professing love, and just as I write that she stops the car from leaving and comes out to ask “Did you know this week?” Basically she is asking “did you sleep with me knowing that you were in love with the other two?” right? It is a fair question and of course one that you will always think about. Caila waits till the car to completely break down in tears. Ben is trying to feign massive pain but I think he is just ecstatic that he does not have to go through the pain and extra awkwardness of a rose ceremony. Caila is telling us that she is ready and was willing to become Ben’s wife while the car drives her back to her hotel but all I keep doing is looking at the places through the car window and from the outside establishing shots to see if I recognize the spots…I do! Never forget, Caila is the one that said that she could tell that Ben loved her based on his breath!

 

Rose ceremony:

You know we still had to have one right? Things are not official without a rose ceremony, plus the show did not spend all that money for locations and setting up shots to just throw it away because Ben cannot keep to the long-term script! Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) shows up to talk to Jojo first, and then Lauren, I am not typing what he said because all the questions were obvious.

The girls are standing side by side and Jojo breaks the tension “it is just so weird that there are only 2 roses over there” she is naturally nervous while Lauren is just blah. Jojo is also the first to notice that Caila is missing. Ben finally appears. The roses are given out, the group hug occurs and both girls clink glasses thinking they are the only one that Ben has said “I love you” to.

Jojo again showing herself to be the smarter one says a part of her is wondering if he said the same things to Lauren that he said to her.

 

Blooper reel:

They are learning more about releasing sea turtles and tricking nature by releasing the turtles 2 hours earlier than they normally would so as to increase their chances of escaping crabs. Just as this bit of information is being revealed Ben is bitten by a crab…probably not the first time someone on this show has been attacked by crabs.