Bachelorette finale recap or well "I love that you are tall."

 Ugh, we are going the live studio audience route but wait, what is this? Kaitlyn sans Tayshia! Kaitlyn immediately tells us that Tay Tay was exposed to covid so she cannot be there. I feel mean saying this but...someone's fillers are working a lot better this time and they look a lot more comfortable working alone, even the smiles seem more natural. Joe and Serena and, Becca and Thomas are introduced to the crowd as Bachelor royalty. 

We get the typical last few episodes trope of Michelle "Mich" writing in a diary/journal.

In her VO Mich tells us that letting Joe go was rough but cynical me says "ever since she realized he was the one who ghosted her in DMs she was setting for this moment" but I am inherently untrusting. Now that Meg (I say her nickname like Y'all know her) has pointed out that Mich's mom looks like Becky Ann Baker I cannot unsee it and I lose moments while she talks. Showing our Age and Background differences Meg describes her as the "Mom from Girls" I see her as "the woman from Freaks and Geeks." 

Brandon:

Brandon brings a pair of swim trunks for Mich's dad while telling her sister that he wore a pair of the dad's trunks...we are keeping the stupidity going. 

Brandon is charming the pants off the parents...I couldn't resist. 

Mich and her mom kiss each other on the lips before a hug, hmmm speaking of cultural differences. The mom wishes Brandon "good luck honey" he really slid into their hearts like a well fitting pair of shorts. 

Brandon tells the mom that he works remotely so he is happy to move to Minnesota. 

Nayte: 

The family learns that Natye is not used to expressing love and Mich stares constantly at Nayte and barely looks at her parents. 

Mich's dad "Brandon was definitely a warmer person initially" I think the Dad is wary. 

Nayte will not commit to moving to Minnesota, which leaves the dad concerned and Angela (Mich's sister) when she asks is told by Nayte that "I am all about the adventure" hmm shady. Angela is concerned that Nayte might not want to settle down.

The dad "I am hoping that Nayte has the qualities that w haven't seen, but she has seen" I get it bro. 

Lavonne (Mich's mom) gets a Freudian slip from Nayte "I am not very serious about love" when she calls it out Nayte corrects himself to "I am not against love." 

Back from commercial and 'Paulie Clause' the security guard dressed as Santa holds mistletoe over Joe and Serena so they eat each other's faces. 

Lavonne tells Mich that she does not think Nayte is ready for an engagement and Mich is fighting back tears. Mich is worried that Nayte may not "be as into me as I am into him."

Mich doesn't hitch and immediately tells Nayte that her mom doesn't trust him. 

Part of why I could never be on this show (aside from the fact that I am housing a sleeve of cookies as I watch) is that my dad is a psychologist with little filter when it comes to family and my sister is an aggressive litigator and my mom is sarcastic, i would be afraid they would make people cry on this show...and those people might be the producers. 

Answering some of the questions re his sartorial choices for some ring ceremonies Nayte admits to brining only 2 suits to the show because he thought he would go home early. 

The show plays to online sentiment and requires the audience who we are told all tested negative "to remain masked for the rest of the show." I guess Becca and Thomas will not get their makeout session. 

Brandon Round 2: 

They ride Jet skis for a bit then sit on a blanket to talk through deep moments on the beach like normal people do. 

Evening:

Brandon lights some candles and opens a naked bottle of wine, the pretense on this show always cracks me up. I would have died laughing if Mich had asked Brandon in response to "would you like some wine?" "what type is it?" because I feel confident he would be guessing at that unlabeled bottle of white wine. 

Brandon takes Mich to his bedroom to give her a gift, get your mind out of the gutter pervs he hands her a gift bag containing his "favorite sweat shirt" because he wants her "to know what waking up next to me would be like." 

Brandon tells Michelle "I love you, I just love you" and Mich says "there has been something that has been weighing on my heart...I am not falling in love [dramatic pause] I am already in love with you." Brandon tells us "this is the greatest love I have ever had in my entire life." "The next time I see Michelle I am going to be down on one knee, I am going to marry this woman." 

Back from commercial and the live show has an 'elf' eating a lot of pasta mixed with candy and what looks like maple syrup...poor guy, but hey a paycheck is a paycheck right?

Nayte Round 2: 

The couple goes to meet Raul a shaman, Mich says "this ritual is important because it will challenge both of us to open up."

Nayte looks like he can barely contain laughter as he tries to follow along with some of the Shaman's instructions. "Let's see, let's see what do I want to release?" Mich is not happy with how much Nayte is holding back. Here is the thing, the show does this all the time, they try to force people to do something spiritual with spiritualists they might not believe in, then the lack of commitment to the 'process' is viewed as disqualifying. But for instance I am NOT Catholic (staunch Baptist despite the efforts of my Catholic high school), if I was suddenly in a Catholic ritual I would be respectful but there is no way I am "opening up." 

Mich takes Nayte aside to talk to him while the show tests the boundaries of her half white hair but luckily it just goes to waves as she and Nayte are clearly in a high moisture area, I know black women are watching this image livid for her. Nayte tells Mich he loves her and she repeats it back to him. 

Evening: 

Nayte hits the phrase "what if" a lot and don't forget ABC is owned by Disney who had a massive "What if" series okay I know i am stretching but would you be shocked if the House of Mouse was that conniving? 

Nayte repeatedly tells Mich that he loves her and she is "happy to see those emotions from him...any fears or doubts that I was entering the night with have been resolved." "I trust my heart and my heart is telling me that this is my person." Mich returns to her room and finds an envelope waiting at her door. 

The envelope is from Brandon and he writes like he has watched the Notebook. 

Neil Lane Day: 

Nayte walks out to his balcony wearing just a pair of black shorts and at first I thought the show had black boxed him. 

As Nayte sits with Neil Lane, Neil asks "Have you been in love before?" suspicious question from a jeweler if not prompted. The best thing I can say about these rings is 'they are not as gaudy as usual?'

Brandon meets with Neil and it was a pleasant convo while we cut to Mich crying that "putting myself first is something I have never done...I realized that there is one person i would be devastated to live my life without them." 

Michelle is sent down some treacherous looking steps to get to an engagement platform. 

Back from commercial and now Paulie pretends to be Kevin from 'Home Alone.'

Final Rose Ceremnony: 

Because the episode was filmed months in advance we get to see covid-free Tayshia with Kaitlyn to welcome Brandon first to the platform of decisions...but uhmm a bit weird on proposal day to have Tayshia and Kaitlyn wearing white. 

As Brandon walks up Mich takes a deep breath and also pulls him in for a strong hug. Brandon gives his speech to Mich and all I keep thinking is 'Buddy look around the sun is blazing, you are not anywhere near the golden hour, you are first, you are not the winning choice" but hey he cannot just be practical like that, this show is not built on practicality. 

Michelle is streaming tears as she tells Brandon that he is not the one, he tells her "I truly wish you nothing but happiness even if it is not with me." I obviously haven't looked online since I am on the west coast and that would be spoiler fuel but I bet "Brandon for bachelor" is trending. Brandon while crying pantomimes (or really does who knows) throwing something into the ocean and the show really wants you to think it was the ring...no chance. 

Nayte arrives and Mich gets over the loss of Brandon. She tells Nayte she is not willing to walk away and "I have never felt a love like this before." Awe girl, I am worried for you. After the happy couple kiss, they are serenaded by a mariachi band and we get another example of Tayshia and Kaitlyn being too much a part of this show. 

After The Final Rose: 

Back to the studio audience and the Bach royalty do not have to wear masks like the rest of the audience does. 

Brandon and a jacket come out to "awes" from the audience. Allegedly Brandon told Kaitlyn on engagement day "my whole life is about to change" it sure will, welcome to the club circuit and the 'sponcon' life. 

Kaitlyn shares a photo of Brandon that she took of him (golden hour) sitting on a log that looks like it is penetrating Brandon as he cries; "beauty in the struggle" is a phrase Brandon repeats often.

 

Mich comes out and Kaitlyn doing her 'job' says she will just let them talk, uhmm I don't know maybe ask a question to spur them on?  Because Kaitlyn doesn't provide any structure this is a rambling mess. 

Nayte - Comes out and admits he is "super bad at analogies" and analogizes that his growing love for Mich was faster than listening to a song over and over and finding out that it has become your favorite song. It is funny to see the moms sitting together with the chocolate bald head hubbies. 

Paulie is now reenacting 'The Christmas story' frozen pole tongue scene. 

Mich and Nayte are allegedly already house hunting so Paulie Clause brings out a ginger bread house with a surprise in it  - the franchise will make the down payment on Mich and Nayte's home...that is a big deal. 

Now some time with Clayton who the show hopes will make you forget Colton. 

Kaitlyn has Clayton read mean tweets about himself, I start to wonder if the angle is bad or if Clayton is bad at reading...then I realize he was just warming up to the weirdness of reading dumb tweets about himself, I honestly do not get the point of doing it here, they do not even source funny ones like Jimmy Kimmel who they are aping does. 

The preview for the Bachelor shows immediately that the budget is back...I take the rare step of watching the previews and "DID THE SHOW JUST GIVE AWAY IT'S FINAL 2/3?" This has to be a trick with this preview. 

Bachelorette Recap or zipping into just 2

 Always cracks me up when I recognize a vacation spot the franchise goes to before they list it because I immediately start thinking "Am I a Basic?"

The show goes to Puerto Vallarta and Michelle says "I cannot believe I am in this place (while pointing down)" and I cannot help but think she forgot where they are. 

Michelle and Kaitlyn take a walk on the beach wearing the tourist look of 'breezy but covered.'

Michelle is telling Kaitlyn that she has fears that Nayte is not ready (maybe this is why she was sent for the walk and not Tayshia) and Kaitlyn says "really pay attention to those fears with Nayte...I wish I had on my season." 

Tayshia comes in to explain to the guys what the fantasy suite means,. no cameras "all the pressure off and just really dive in." 

The first date goes to Brandon (note all the guys are together and I think the show does this when the group seems too friendly with each other). Joe says "seeing Brandon go off with someone I am in love with there are a lot of emotions [stares blankly at camera]"

Date one - Brandon: 

Off into the rainforest the lucky couple goes and Michelle wears a bathing suit top that only a few can pull off. Michelle wraps her legs around Brandon for a kiss. 

Horseback riding, and this will be Brandon's first time. 

Evening: 

Brandon tells Michelle he is in love with her "and until I take my last breath I will put you first." After the exchange of lovey doveys they of course take the fantasy suite offer. Fireworks go off while they make out in a pool/hot tub and Nayte and Joe are forced to watch. Nayte says "tonight was a reality check." 

Morning after: 

We get the hinted post coitus in bed together scene, then Brandon carrying a breakfast in bed tray that he claims he "whipped up something special" while it is clearly under room service warming trays. The couple then has a food fight on the white sheets...they are half white. 

Back to the hotel with Joe and Nayte nervously wondering - in wanders Brandon and he has to sit between them, producers are so hoping for forced conflict. The guys all nervously laugh at each other and Brandon voices  "this is awkward." 

Date two - Joe: 

Joe and Mich are going to zip line down to the main area of their date. 

Michelle tells Joe she enjoys seeing his goofy side and he needs to bring it out more often. 

Evening Date: 

Lovey Doveys and Mich asks Joe how many kids he wants. They both say they want to change the world or something similar you know I start to fade out during these dates. 

Cut back to the hotel and Nayte and Brandon are discussing which one of them is in the better position by virtue of when their date will be, both are convinced they are in the prime spot. 

Fantasy suite invite and Joe says "I am 100% on board" Michelle "I would love to have that time with you." 

If Michelle is worried that Nayte is not ready for commitment his cavalier attitude when discussing what she and Joe might be up to in the fantasy suite would concern her more. 

Morning after: 

Again we get the hinted post coitus in bed together scene and Joe tells Mich "I love that you are a morning person." I would not be your faithful blogger if I did not point out that the rays coming in makes it look like almost mid day. 

Joe returns to the room with the other 2 and cannot help smiling when trying to keep his date a secret. Joe and Brandon are becoming more and more suspicious of Nayte's feelings for Mich because he does not seem outwardly concerned that the others dated her while he spent a week away from her. 

Date three - Nayte: 

Michelle rolls up on a catamaran to pick Nayte up.

I am too lazy to keep track of these dates historically, but it feels like this is the type of date usually reserved for the leading contender. Nayte tells Mich "I am very very crazy about you" but much of his conversation is the type that comes from a tall good looking man who has not had to work hard to attract partners. 

In her ITM Mich tells us "I am crazy about Nayte" but she is still wary. Going into tonight she wants Nayte to tell her "that he loves me." 

Evening portion: 

Mich asks Nayte if he has anything on his mind and he does not take her bait and says "nothing." To spur him on Mich reminds him that an engagement is expected at the end of the show. Michelle asks Nayte  "falling in love, being in love and getting engaged are all 3 different things which one of these are you?" Nayte says "all three." Mich is taking no chances so she reiterates that she can see herself engaged at the end of this and asks Nayte is he is willing to be engaged he tells her yes. 

Morning after: 

At this point is it still considered the 'hinted' post coitus in bed together scene? Michelle is gushing about Natye.. She is in love. The happy couple gets a mariachi band serenading them...guess we know who the producers think is the lead candidate. 

Rose Ceremony: 

Can we take a moment to comment on Tay tay and Kaitlyn's outfits?

Brandon and Joe are dressed in classic suit looks while Nayte is wearing a t-shirt blazer combo (I know it is a style choice but I am not confident in it). Michelle is telling the guys that the decision she has to make has her stomach tied up in knots. Brandon interrupts Mich to say "before we start do you think that I can talk to you." Nayte thinks Brandon is doing a "Hail Mary because [he] is desperate."

Brandon tells Mich that he pulled her aside so that even if it is his last day there he wants her to know he has her back. Selfishly because I need the fantasy points I was hoping Brandon was about to self eliminate, those would have been some serious points for me. 

Nayte and his ugly ensemble get the first rose, I think what bothers me is that the collar of the t-shirt looks ragged. The 2nd and final rose goes to Brandon. Joe just stares ahead like he is memorizing every detail of this scene for a diorama that he is going to ceremoniously set fire to later. 

Even as she lets him go Mich tells Joe she is in love with him. 

Joe tells us that he is in shock, "I really did not see that coming...I wonder what Brandon said." 

Bachelorette recap or the Men Tell all to each other not the hosts.

 Time for the Men-Tell-All hosted by Tayshia and Kaitlyn. To say Tayshia and Kaitlyn are dressed to stun is too simple, their outfits are eye-catching even if part of what is catching my eye is trying to figure out how to describe Kaitlyn's green velvet look. 

The guys are introduced and Olu is once again in a bright suit, Rodney gets a tonne of fan love. 

Some ABC cross promotion when Will and Peter have the first confrontation and Will says Peter should have gone on "Shark Tank" since he only "wanted to promote his business."

Casey yells that if it was not "about Peter and Pizza" it never came out of Peter's mouth.

Will tells Peter to tell his sister to stay out of his DMs. There are accusations that Will has been slandering Peter via reviews of his pizzeria "Pizza tasted like it was drenched in pool water" which definitely seems related to Will. A (I am guessing fake) process server comes out to serve Will with a suit which Peter says is an example of what will happen to Will "in real life...Rest in Pizza!"

 Pardeep says more to Ryan calling him out for wanting to be viral and carrying notes into the house than he said in 2 episodes on the show. Just in case you forgot this is Pardeep: 

Martin says he lied to Michelle because he felt disrespected. Martin is accused of having a girlfriend throughout his time on the show. 

Olu to Chris S "Don't you ever say I have a low IQ, you are looking at Black Excellence here...I have a whole Masters degree." Olu tells Chris to look him in his eye but that will not happen. 

OH NO "JUDGE STEVE HARVEY"? We are giving Steve Harvey a 'court' show. 

Jamie comes out to a completely silent crowd and some scowls from the ladies seated right behind him. After the recap of Jamie's time on the show is played the crowd is hissing.

You can tell the show really wants Jamie to get hammered because he gets the rare hot seat that extends through a commercial break. The guys lecture Jamie and he equivocates with all his answers. Jamie is accused by PJ of "lying by omission." 

Rick gets some time on the hot seat - he and Rodney are two gimmick guys that probably went further than most would expect just based on their initial introductions.

A covered platter is rolled out and it is a cake replica of Rick's head and the ladies instruct him to take a bit and he takes a massive bite out of the top of the head.

 

Just before it is Rodney's time in the hot seat we get another example of why it has sometimes been problematic having Tayshia and Kaitlyn as hosts,

some of the energy of the show is sucked up by their personalities and dealing with their lives, we get the public reveal of Tayshia and Zak being broken up leading to this awkward transition from Kaitlyn "from one broken heart to another" and Rodney when he makes it to the hot seat says "sorry to hear about that" to Tayshia. Look I do not miss Chris Harrison even a a little bit but the good thing about his blandness was that he was a steward to the show not really a part of the show, he had a divorce during the time of his hosting and it was not a part of the show. So as Rodney gets settled in his seat Tayshia gets up and walks away the best is Kaitlyn trying to show concern on her face as Tayshia is walking away.  Minus the Tayshia drama Rodney has a pleasant hot seat. 

We come back from commercial and Tayshia is beaming to welcome us back, sigh, there was no chance she didn't know the question re her breakup was coming and it just feels so contrived. 

Time for some fun recaps including the guys sculpting 90lb blocks of butter and while everyone is laughing the Jamaican in me is screaming "UNUU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE BUTTER IS AND YUH AGO WASTE IT PON DEM UNTALENTED BRETHREN?"

Shockingly some of the sculptures were actually decent with Nayte's the best (so finally he beat Joe in something). After a clip of Rodney making a ridiculously lucky basketball shot

we get a clearly faked streaker since the show's security let him completely disrobe while saying in falsetto "We love you Rodney" repeatedly, then the streaker gets to parade in front of the guys, the crowd and the hosts before security finally shows up...the same security that is on the stage in a flash if guys look like they are going to fight waited until someone literally took off layers and made it down stairs and jogged around to shake his little bits before apprehending, at least if you are going to insult our intelligence try to make it look real? At least realer than Kaitlyn trying to react to it. 

I as is my wont kept my head down so I did not see who the ladies on Clayton's previews were when it came to the drama but I admit it was tough to not look up when Clayton confesses "I was intimate with both of you" if the show showed who he was talking to that is a big spoiler for the season! 

Michelle comes out and many of the guys say quick bites to Michelle, Jamie of course gives a long winded speech which opens him up for Michelle to smack him down and the crowd cheers her on for it. Jamie might truly be a psychopath and I am intrigued by his inability to give a straight answer, Jamie finally sees that his slash and burn strategy is failing so he gives an apology to Michelle and the guys and finally gets his first applause of the show. 

The Bloopers had me chuckling especially as Michelle's highly competitive side comes out to the point that she fell off a chair trying to catch food in her mouth. 

After Pater gets some promotion by providing Pizza for the cast he and Will "bury the hatchet bro" and hug it out. 

Some of these guys like Pardeep are sneakily tall.