Ugh, we are going the live studio audience route but wait, what is this? Kaitlyn sans Tayshia! Kaitlyn immediately tells us that Tay Tay was exposed to covid so she cannot be there. I feel mean saying this but...someone's fillers are working a lot better this time and they look a lot more comfortable working alone, even the smiles seem more natural. Joe and Serena and, Becca and Thomas are introduced to the crowd as Bachelor royalty.
We get the typical last few episodes trope of Michelle "Mich" writing in a diary/journal.
In her VO Mich tells us that letting Joe go was rough but cynical me says "ever since she realized he was the one who ghosted her in DMs she was setting for this moment" but I am inherently untrusting. Now that Meg (I say her nickname like Y'all know her) has pointed out that Mich's mom looks like Becky Ann Baker I cannot unsee it and I lose moments while she talks. Showing our Age and Background differences Meg describes her as the "Mom from Girls" I see her as "the woman from Freaks and Geeks."
Brandon:
Brandon brings a pair of swim trunks for Mich's dad while telling her sister that he wore a pair of the dad's trunks...we are keeping the stupidity going.
Brandon is charming the pants off the parents...I couldn't resist.
Mich and her mom kiss each other on the lips before a hug, hmmm speaking of cultural differences. The mom wishes Brandon "good luck honey" he really slid into their hearts like a well fitting pair of shorts.
Brandon tells the mom that he works remotely so he is happy to move to Minnesota.
Nayte:
The family learns that Natye is not used to expressing love and Mich stares constantly at Nayte and barely looks at her parents.
Mich's dad "Brandon was definitely a warmer person initially" I think the Dad is wary.
Nayte will not commit to moving to Minnesota, which leaves the dad concerned and Angela (Mich's sister) when she asks is told by Nayte that "I am all about the adventure" hmm shady. Angela is concerned that Nayte might not want to settle down.
The dad "I am hoping that Nayte has the qualities that w haven't seen, but she has seen" I get it bro.
Lavonne (Mich's mom) gets a Freudian slip from Nayte "I am not very serious about love" when she calls it out Nayte corrects himself to "I am not against love."
Back from commercial and 'Paulie Clause' the security guard dressed as Santa holds mistletoe over Joe and Serena so they eat each other's faces.
Lavonne tells Mich that she does not think Nayte is ready for an engagement and Mich is fighting back tears. Mich is worried that Nayte may not "be as into me as I am into him."
Mich doesn't hitch and immediately tells Nayte that her mom doesn't trust him.
Part of why I could never be on this show (aside from the fact that I am housing a sleeve of cookies as I watch) is that my dad is a psychologist with little filter when it comes to family and my sister is an aggressive litigator and my mom is sarcastic, i would be afraid they would make people cry on this show...and those people might be the producers.
Answering some of the questions re his sartorial choices for some ring ceremonies Nayte admits to brining only 2 suits to the show because he thought he would go home early.
The show plays to online sentiment and requires the audience who we are told all tested negative "to remain masked for the rest of the show." I guess Becca and Thomas will not get their makeout session.
Brandon Round 2:
They ride Jet skis for a bit then sit on a blanket to talk through deep moments on the beach like normal people do.
Evening:
Brandon lights some candles and opens a naked bottle of wine, the pretense on this show always cracks me up. I would have died laughing if Mich had asked Brandon in response to "would you like some wine?" "what type is it?" because I feel confident he would be guessing at that unlabeled bottle of white wine.
Brandon takes Mich to his bedroom to give her a gift, get your mind out of the gutter pervs he hands her a gift bag containing his "favorite sweat shirt" because he wants her "to know what waking up next to me would be like."
Brandon tells Michelle "I love you, I just love you" and Mich says "there has been something that has been weighing on my heart...I am not falling in love [dramatic pause] I am already in love with you." Brandon tells us "this is the greatest love I have ever had in my entire life." "The next time I see Michelle I am going to be down on one knee, I am going to marry this woman."
Back from commercial and the live show has an 'elf' eating a lot of pasta mixed with candy and what looks like maple syrup...poor guy, but hey a paycheck is a paycheck right?
Nayte Round 2:
The couple goes to meet Raul a shaman, Mich says "this ritual is important because it will challenge both of us to open up."
Nayte looks like he can barely contain laughter as he tries to follow along with some of the Shaman's instructions. "Let's see, let's see what do I want to release?" Mich is not happy with how much Nayte is holding back. Here is the thing, the show does this all the time, they try to force people to do something spiritual with spiritualists they might not believe in, then the lack of commitment to the 'process' is viewed as disqualifying. But for instance I am NOT Catholic (staunch Baptist despite the efforts of my Catholic high school), if I was suddenly in a Catholic ritual I would be respectful but there is no way I am "opening up."
Mich takes Nayte aside to talk to him while the show tests the boundaries of her half white hair but luckily it just goes to waves as she and Nayte are clearly in a high moisture area, I know black women are watching this image livid for her. Nayte tells Mich he loves her and she repeats it back to him.
Evening:
Nayte hits the phrase "what if" a lot and don't forget ABC is owned by Disney who had a massive "What if" series okay I know i am stretching but would you be shocked if the House of Mouse was that conniving?
Nayte repeatedly tells Mich that he loves her and she is "happy to see those emotions from him...any fears or doubts that I was entering the night with have been resolved." "I trust my heart and my heart is telling me that this is my person." Mich returns to her room and finds an envelope waiting at her door.
The envelope is from Brandon and he writes like he has watched the Notebook.
Neil Lane Day:
Nayte walks out to his balcony wearing just a pair of black shorts and at first I thought the show had black boxed him.
As Nayte sits with Neil Lane, Neil asks "Have you been in love before?" suspicious question from a jeweler if not prompted. The best thing I can say about these rings is 'they are not as gaudy as usual?'
Brandon meets with Neil and it was a pleasant convo while we cut to Mich crying that "putting myself first is something I have never done...I realized that there is one person i would be devastated to live my life without them."
Michelle is sent down some treacherous looking steps to get to an engagement platform.
Back from commercial and now Paulie pretends to be Kevin from 'Home Alone.'
Final Rose Ceremnony:
Because the episode was filmed months in advance we get to see covid-free Tayshia with Kaitlyn to welcome Brandon first to the platform of decisions...but uhmm a bit weird on proposal day to have Tayshia and Kaitlyn wearing white.
As Brandon walks up Mich takes a deep breath and also pulls him in for a strong hug. Brandon gives his speech to Mich and all I keep thinking is 'Buddy look around the sun is blazing, you are not anywhere near the golden hour, you are first, you are not the winning choice" but hey he cannot just be practical like that, this show is not built on practicality.
Michelle is streaming tears as she tells Brandon that he is not the one, he tells her "I truly wish you nothing but happiness even if it is not with me." I obviously haven't looked online since I am on the west coast and that would be spoiler fuel but I bet "Brandon for bachelor" is trending. Brandon while crying pantomimes (or really does who knows) throwing something into the ocean and the show really wants you to think it was the ring...no chance.
Nayte arrives and Mich gets over the loss of Brandon. She tells Nayte she is not willing to walk away and "I have never felt a love like this before." Awe girl, I am worried for you. After the happy couple kiss, they are serenaded by a mariachi band and we get another example of Tayshia and Kaitlyn being too much a part of this show.
After The Final Rose:
Back to the studio audience and the Bach royalty do not have to wear masks like the rest of the audience does.
Brandon and a jacket come out to "awes" from the audience. Allegedly Brandon told Kaitlyn on engagement day "my whole life is about to change" it sure will, welcome to the club circuit and the 'sponcon' life.
Kaitlyn shares a photo of Brandon that she took of him (golden hour) sitting on a log that looks like it is penetrating Brandon as he cries; "beauty in the struggle" is a phrase Brandon repeats often.
Mich comes out and Kaitlyn doing her 'job' says she will just let them talk, uhmm I don't know maybe ask a question to spur them on? Because Kaitlyn doesn't provide any structure this is a rambling mess.
Nayte - Comes out and admits he is "super bad at analogies" and analogizes that his growing love for Mich was faster than listening to a song over and over and finding out that it has become your favorite song. It is funny to see the moms sitting together with the chocolate bald head hubbies.
Paulie is now reenacting 'The Christmas story' frozen pole tongue scene.
Mich and Nayte are allegedly already house hunting so Paulie Clause brings out a ginger bread house with a surprise in it - the franchise will make the down payment on Mich and Nayte's home...that is a big deal.
Now some time with Clayton who the show hopes will make you forget Colton.
Kaitlyn has Clayton read mean tweets about himself, I start to wonder if the angle is bad or if Clayton is bad at reading...then I realize he was just warming up to the weirdness of reading dumb tweets about himself, I honestly do not get the point of doing it here, they do not even source funny ones like Jimmy Kimmel who they are aping does.
The preview for the Bachelor shows immediately that the budget is back...I take the rare step of watching the previews and "DID THE SHOW JUST GIVE AWAY IT'S FINAL 2/3?" This has to be a trick with this preview.
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