I wonder how many peeps watched the title game then went to their DVR for the Bach.
The women get "to move back in" to the Bachelor mansion and they are giggly "it is legendary, it is historic" - they are going to sleep on bunk beds.
Jesse reintroduces himself to the women, sad part is many of them would have been too young to remember his season. Jesse tells the group that the "process works." He is asked "are you a happily married man now?" "Yes I am a happily married man." Again completely ignoring that he is not with his choice from his season of the Bachelor in fact they were one of the fastest breakups ever in the franchise.
GROUP DATE:
The group is outside of a mansion and Clayton tells them there is a surprise behind the doors of the mansion. Many of the group are hoping for celebrities instead they are initially bumrushed by screaming kids who run past the (weirdly) outstretched arms of some of the women. Clayton introduces Hilary Duff ("HD") as "most importantly mother of three Hilary Duff." Cassidy is fangirling in a major way screaming that HD was her first concert and letting her know that she had a sign with HD's face on it.
HD may have just finessed a birthday party for her kid out of the show in the guise of a challenge and the use of some kids that showed up for a casting call.
The various girls have been given tasks to make the party come together, Cassidy is supposed to help Gabby build a doll house. Cassidy has completely abandoned her task and tells us "I am not here to build a doll house I am here to build a relationship." Clayton and Cassidy go off for a talk and Cassidy tells him that she is not leaving voluntarily she will have to be dragged out then initiates an aggressive make out.
Melina is tasked to be a clown and she puts all of her energy into it. Teddi hangs out with some of the kids and at first it took me a second to realize that she was NOT one of the kids.
Cassidy is having a tea-party with some of the kids and looks them dead in their faces and tells the kids she is not a fan.
Cassidy also has the look of someone who is steadily getting drunker.
Genevieve who was tasked with decorating the cake (it was not the greatest looking cake) is appalled as Cassidy drunkenly sings "Happy Birthday" and then drops the cake on the ground.
With cake all over her arms Cassidy tells Clayton they should clean up by the pool which leads to another mounted make-out and we cut to a commercial for Hillary Duff's new show.
EVENING PORTION:
Serene appears to get the first time with Clayton who tells her "I love the energy that I have been seeing out of you." Clayton tells Serene he has been "missing one thing" and this leads to a make-out, Clayton is a big fan of the 'holding you' kiss.
As many of the women sit around the rose that is on the table Cassidy tells the group she is really confident. Kira is the first to call Cassidy out, Cassidy tells them she was not there for the kids. Genevieve and Mara join in on telling Cassidy that they think she sucks. Cassidy sips some booze in an ITM and says "Game on Bitches" to the camera re her level of concern about the other women. I get "here for a good time not a long time" energy with Cassidy, I do not think she is here for any length of season time, she feels like a flash in the pan villain.
Teddi is already in the "does he like me" expressions phase with Clayton.
Clayton tells Sierra that she is a light in the house...how do you know bro, its just been days.
Genevieve and Clayton try to decorate a cake, it does not go well.
Back to the mansion (been a long time since I have typed that) and a date card arrives "Susie let's take our love to new heights, love Clayton."
Cassidy in her time with Clayton says "I am not here to make Gabby happy" Cassidy is a big fan of throwing peeps under the bus. In her ITM "[expletive], feels like we are already together" Cassidy is super confident. Cassidy's confidence is not misplaced as she gets the group date rose to death stares from the other women.
Mara breaks down in tears "oh my god why am I so concerned with this girl when I should be concerned with him."
Cassidy sniffs her rose as a producer asks "How does it smell?" and Cassidy responds "Like victory."
Next day:
Meeting of the blonde counsel and Cassidy tells a blonde whose name I do not know
that getting her rose locks her in and tells the blonde "don't be jealous." The blonde counsel think that Susie's connection to Clayton will burn out fast.
ONE ON ONE:
Susie is nervous as the couple drives up a hill and the Bachelor's helicopter budget kicks in...The Bachelorette's budget has to be a 1/4 of the Bachelor's (completely made up stat by me).
Because this show knows how to make people ache the helicopter flies by the mansion and hovers, it hits Rachel especially hard since she is a pilot and thinks it should have been her date.
The helicopter lands on a yacht with Clayton asking Susie "how much do you trust me right now?" as if he is the one landing the chopper.
Following a staple of this show the couple leaps off the yacht to show their willingness to leap into love.
Evening:
The couple goes to Hudson loft for the faux-dinner. Susie shares that her dad went through a severe illness last year (we are not told if it was covid but I cannot help but think it was covid). Clayton says that he is drawn to Susie "because you are someone who can see good through the bad." Clayton is a nice guy but there is strong meathead tendencies in him.
Amanda Jordan is the "WHO?" singer this week.
And she sings "I choose you" which Clayton tells us as if we should know it already. Susie gets the date rose.
Back to the mansion and Cassidy tells a blonde (I am not trying to be bad I just do not know peeps that well this early and these women are mirrors of each other) that she needs to be aggressive on her date and attack early. The group date card arrives and Jill breaks down in tears because her name is not on it, she clearly asks a producer if she can leave the group once it is clear her name is not going to be called.
Shanae may be the girl that was talking to Cassidy as she calls herself Shanae-nae.
GROUP DATE:
And yup I am guessing it was Shanae that spoke to Cassidy since she says "Cassidy's advice is ringing in my head."
The group meets up with Ziwe (we are told by Marlena she is a popular comedian, Clayton's and the faces of the other girls show that they do not know her).
Shanae is mad that Elizabeth sits next to Clayton she laments that she did not because "Cassidy would have." The group plays a game of "never have I ever." Shanae continues to feel salty that Elizabeth is bonding with Clayton so when given the chance to dance the "Nae Nae" she jumps up and I feel second hand embarrassment at the stiffness.
The ladies then have to do an obstacle course, some of it includes racing, sliding and then trying to cross a river of 'honey' via faked breadcrumbs (foam pieces)
Shanae blatantly shoves Elizabeth off of a foam piece which also takes out another woman.
For all her boasting as a former Olympian Marlena does not win, nor does Shanae which leaves her staring aggressively at the winner Sarah.
Evening:
Elizabeth grabs Clayton first and Shanae imagines her instant death.
On her time Elizabeth plays 'never have I ever' and sneaks in "never have I kissed the Bachelor" which of course leads to a kiss. Shanae walks away from the group and Marlena goes to check on her and Shanae is mad that "Elizabeth made me cry...I do not like people who make me cry, especially people who do not matter to me." Clayton in his time with Marlena says "when you took off that was not even collegiate speed that was Olym..." he gets cut off "I am an Olympian, we need to race." Clayton wisely demurs the offer of a race. A colleague of mine who my real life friend Elizabeth dislikes is convinced that purely because he is a man he can beat any female Olympian in a foot race, he is an idiot.
Shanae during her time with Clayton calls Elizabeth fake and says she is not there for the right reasons. Clayton once he takes Shanae back to the group asks Elizabeth for a chat, which leads the remaining group to wonder if someone said anything, Shanae denies that she did.
Elizabeth denies to Clayton that there is any tension on her part with Shanae and then notes to Clayton that Shanae pushed her during the challenge.
Elizabeth takes Shanae aside to talk and apparently Shanae's big problem with Elizabeth is that she thinks Elizabeth is two faced because she and Ency were having a conversation at the pool and not paying enough attention to Shanae?
Sarah gets the group date rose which she says "is proof that if you believe in yourself everything will work out."
Shanae and Elizabeth clash again and Shanae throws in Elizabeth's face "you told me you had ADHD."
COCKTAIL PARTY:
Heading into the party Cassidy warns Shanae not to continue her beef dear reader this will not be heeded.
Eliza appears to be the first with Clayton, she brings out a scrapbook so that she and Clayton can start scrapbooking together. Clayton notes that Eliza did not get a date but she "is really positive" he also notes how good she looks.
Gabby breaks out another pillow with Clayton's face on it and this one is gigantic and blown up so Clayton's face is distorted.
Shanae pulls Elizabeth aside for another private chat "So is it your ADHD or is it me?...I think you are using that as an excuse." Shanae really wields the knowledge of ADHD like it is a weapon A bad sign for Shanae is that all the girls are telling her she is bringing "senseless drama" and even Cassidy wants to "cut her loose."
Sigh the news feeder just before we returned back to the show was "Covid hospitalizations jump" I have an actual colleague that I may have to cut loose who thinks the hospital news are "lies."
Cassidy tells the girls that she thinks Clayton likes "that I am unrelenting in my pursuit" while she is saying this Sierra is looking appalled and we find out why. Cassidy foolishly told Sierra earlier in the day "There's one guy that I've been hooking up with on and off for a while. he's a few years younger. He Facetimed me while I was at the hotel and I told him I was about to leave for filming and I couldn't tell him what for. Blah, blah, blah." Okay I suck at transcribing the long and short is Cassidy has a dude waiting for her and he thinks they are going to watch the show together when she gets back from filming.
Clayton meets up with Jesse to ask if anyone has ever taken a rose back.
Bloopers:
Clayton is dressed up as a clown and tries his best to impress the kids.
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