Tonight I am really testing the limits of my 'record 6' DVR, heavy night of TV to start the year.
The show also immediately tests our belief in natural family reactions with Clayton going to tell his mom he is the Bach and she reacting like she did not notice that her husband is filming them and Clayton is filming them so this is a normal day? The mom also seems a bit dressy for chilling at home, but hey who knows.
Jesse Palmer shows up to remind us he was a former Bachelor and he is "now a happily married man" with the heavy implication that the 2 things are related, they are NOT!
Jesse and Clayton:
Clayton and the show immediately address his being the bachelor after only "8 minutes of screen time" on the Bachelorette...Clayton says it is because he believes in it more than anyone else...sure dude.
The Women:
I am not confident that without my usual premier watching crew (thanks Covid) I will get even half of the names.
First we meet Shanae 29, a recruiter she is from Sycamore Ohio which is proudly a one stoplight town "Shanae is coming in hot."
Gabby 30, an ICU nurse knows this show loves corny lines, she is a former NFL cheerleader. As an ICU nurse she was working during the covid pandemic, you have earned your time off.
Rachel 25, is a flight Instructor and a flight student (makes me nervous)
Daria 24, law student at Yale, because Ivy league peeps will always tell you where they go to school...girl is a 3L how is she on this show?
Susie is 28 a wedding videographer who is big in jujitsu and was Miss Virginia.
Elizabeth a real estate advisor is 32 and going to annoy the Elizabeth in my watch group.
Teddi is a nurse, she tells us she is 25 but the shows chyron says 24. Teddi just as I was about to say "seems very young" then tells us she is a virgin and tells her mom and her sister she would go to the fantasy suite.
Salley 26 is listed as 'Previously engaged' for her job title, this show can be so trash sometimes [more on this title later]. Her big interview with the show "was the day I was supposed to get married." The show is setting her up to be 'love sick and baby crazy.'
Cassidy 26 is an executive recruiter.
Genevieve 26 is an LA Bartender
Back to Salley sitting on her bed sniffling since this was supposed to be her wedding day and now she is thinking she should just be home with her family "it sucks...like I want to be excited...I am sure all the girls here are excited." So Salley says she needs to go and talk to Clayton "He doesn't know I am coming"
Clayton has a look of shock when Salley knocks on his door as we are told by the chyron '5 hours before the limos' - Salley then tells Clayton that she was supposed to get married the day before. Salley says she feels like she is being pulled home but she wanted to meet him "you are very good looking" THIS IS BLONDE WHITE WOMAN PRIVILEGE TO THE CORE. I cannot even pretend, if Shelley had come to my room like this I would have sent her home immediately instead Clayton says "I can tell you are a great woman" bruh what? 10 minutes of talking to a woman who broke protocol and talks about her broken engagement sooooo Clayton walks away and comes back with something behind his back (obviously a rose) and presents it because "he wants to show" Salley how serious this is. This has to be the fastest first impression rose (I have not watched all the seasons but I stand by that guess). Salley says he is putting her on the spot "am I allowed to take a minute?" She walks outside to take some breaths but really it is to get on her phone. While Salley is on the phone Clayton is in his hotel room holding on to a rose.
Salley is talking to the producers telling them that she is torn, she goes back in to Clayton and tells him that her "heart is just not ready" We never hear what the producers tell her but I bet they were telling her to reject the rose. Clayton looking like a herb says "the first rose that I have given out as a Bachelor was rejected."
Clayton arrives at the mansion and Jesse tells him the Salley situation has never happened before.
Limo arrivals:
First out is Sarah 23, a Wealth Management Advisor she brings Clayton a mini tiger trinket (first out is big placement).
Lyndsey W. 28, Industrial Sales Rep (Houston, Tex) "I am from the south but you are so tall you got me looking north." Sometimes you know a joke is super cheesy but you still cannot help but to laugh.
Genevieve hugs Clayton twice as they both acknowledge nerves
Ency 26, is a sales manager (half Persian, half Korean) she speaks to Clayton in Farsi and Korean.
Susie "I do believe in a firm handshake" and hits Clayton with a sneaked hand buzzer "Do you feel the electricity between us?"
Claire 28, is a spray tanner (profession and user).
Serene 26, is an elementary school teacher (uh oh black teacher of young kids, right after his season where he was booted by a black teacher of young kids) good luck girl .
Teddi is up next as we are in the ethnic portion of the show. Teddi playing off her name says "I heard that you are the big teddy bear but hopefully someday I will be your Teddi Bear."
Tessa (black ) 26, a Human resources specialist says "My name is Tessa it is asset backwards" [at this moment you can clearly see Clayton's Brain struggling, to the point that I sent a screenshot to my group]
"Now that we have established I am an asset I think you know what you can do in there" as she points to the mansion with her head. She looks so much like a lady I used to date/lust after that I think I need her gone night one and you know I never want that for my people of the tone.
Lindsay D. 27, a Neonatal nurse.
Daria says she is wearing "a rose necklace tonight because my last name is rose and I hope my night ends with a rose."
Clayton walks in to see some of the assembled "I am breaking code...i cannot wipe the smile off of my face...I have got to get back out there." Ency showing that she might speak at least three languages but does not know all of the rules of English says "My heart is LITERALLY beating out of my chest" sorry to hear about your condition, leave the show and see a doctor now.
Kate 32, real estate agent from LA "I have an idea that will make us both less nervous, that will be if we both hold one of my nips" and she pulls from her bra region (since I am not certain she was wearing a bra) 2 mini bottles of what looks like Jack Daniels and Jack Daniel's cinnamon for them to take shots of.
Sierra 26. is a recruiting coordinator and she says "Don't freak out, I am your wife and I just got back from the future, you end up choosing me anyways, so you want to just get out of here?"
Melina 27, personal trainer from WEHO is on moon shoes (jumping springs) so she leaps into Clayton's arms.
Hailey 26, a pediatric nurse with a bit of a baby voice says "I am very self sufficient but there is something that I need help with from time to time so can you open this" and hands Clayton a jar of pickles.
Jill 26, an architectural historian comes up with an urn "these are the ashes of my ex-boyfriend and I brought them here just in case you make the same mistake."
Marlena 30, black woman listed only as 'Former Olympian' before we even see her there is a whistle and a penalty flag is thrown "15 yard [penalty] for being so fine."
Jane 33, social media director Pulls up in a vintage convertible and in case you did not know it was vintage the license plate says 'VINTAGE.' "I have been called a cougar once or twice but I like to consider myself vintage like the car" the show like us realizes how ludicrous what she said is and repeatedly flashes her age with a dinging bell sound.
Then immediately we are followed by a more 'seasoned' woman stepping out of the limo Clayton does not know what to say as Holly 64, retiree from Boca Raton, Fl., walks up to him "I'm a mother of 2 and I want to have grandchildren and I am so excited to be here, but I am here for the other bachelor the older senior bachelor [Clayton looks more confused, though this really is just his look] I am just kidding I want to introduce you to the lovely Rachel (and out comes the flight instructor we met before)."
Rachel "I am Rachel and I am actually a pilot so Holly was my wing woman to get me in here."
Ivana 31, is listed as a Bar Mitzvah dancer in Queens NY, look I know Mitzvahs are happening daily but can this be steady work, because how many are hiring dancers? Is this a thing? Am I out of the cultural loop? Ivana strides in with confidence and puts her hands to her lips to silence Clayton, she does not say a word to him, just blows him a kiss, refuses a hug and walks inside.
Kira 32, a physician from Philly comes in, in an open lab coat, a stethoscope and red lingerie I immediately text my 2 doctor friends from the area because I want their answers when they wake up in the morning and check their 'physicians mom's groups' that they always tell me about. "So I'm a doctor and I am here to give you your full body physical just to make sure you are fit and ready for what is to come." Clayton's first response "this is what doctors wear nowadays?" Valid question. I just sent a screenshot of a woman exposing herself via white robe to 2 physicians, this show makes us type some wild things.
Mara 32, entrepreneur, "My name is Mara like marinara cause I am a little spicy and I am a little saucy."
Rianna 24, a registered nurse "originally I was going to ride a horse up here and then I was like why don't we save a horse and you can ride a cowgirl."
We are about half way through the entrances want to play a game? Can you name any of these blondes?
Are you sure?
Eliza (black?) 25, marketing manager from Berlin, Germany gets Clayton to 'Lady and Tramp' a sausage with her, another great screenshot to send to my friends who do not watch the show. (had to circle back to add the response I got from a black friend "Why her edges look like that?"
Gabby 30, an ICU nurse brings a pillow "for a place to sit later [she then turns the pillow around and it has a picture of Clayton on it] but really, I just want to sit on your face!"
Elizabeth the 32 year old Real estate advisor breaks out a whip for Clayton.
Hunter 28, HR Specialist has a yellow snake wrapped around her shoulders and I did an involuntary shudder I cannot tell you physically what else was happening because my head stayed down for the rest of their interaction "I just want you to know I believe in love at first hiss!"
Samantha 26, occupational therapist from San Diego, is rolled up in a bubble bath and when she steps out her bikini bottoms get the first black box treatment of the season. Of course she is from SD
Cassidy 26, executive recruiter comes in on Power wheels (she is light enough that she can actually ride in on it unlike the guy from the Bachelorette season who had to propel his forward with his feet).
Immediately after Cassidy's Power wheel is left parked in the driveway:
Shanae pulls up in the adult version of the power wheel truck and crashes into it.
This show is never one to shy away from running a gimmick into the ground and back to back on seasons. Shanae exits the truck to generic 'country music bed' as Clayton helps her down.
I need a trigger warning for that damn snake "hopefully that is the only snake in the house."
Clayton is so nervous as he tries to give his initial toast he spills some of his drink.
Clayton is gifted a photo by Elizabeth from 1930 they both call it "a 100 year old photo." I would be livid if someone in my family gave out our prized photos on a show.
Teddi tells Clayton that she did some research, she and her sister scanned all of Michelle's guys and she fixated on Clayton without knowing he would be the eventual Bachelor. Teddi told us she wanted the kiss and Teddi got her wish...twice! First kiss of the season.
Some of the other women see Teddi and Clayton kissing and someone says "someone stop them" I chuckled.
Kira still with the open lab coat takes Clayton for a 'physical' and while they are walking off someone says "oh the nurse" (sexist assumption) Kira checks Clayton's heart beats and then said "let's speed it up a bit" which leads to a kiss.
Eliza breaks out German cue cards one which says "Can we kiss" so of course they kiss.
Melina puts Clayton through some paces, the snake girl does something.
There is a power wheels race that ends in a mini-disaster of a flipped car and a ripped dress but ultimately a kiss.
Claire decides to do a tailgate with Clayton, she thinks she will lock down the first impression rose until her tailgate and wing eating is interrupted by Mara.
Mara tells Clayton she will give him some real sauce, so she offers him marinara sauce with "the special ingredient...the ingredient is love" meanwhile Claire is telling everyone that she is not feeling Clayton "I hate him." Serene tells Clayton that Claire is bashing him.
Clayton goes to talk to Claire, she denies saying she hates him, while they are talking the other girls are concerned about the time wasting and the 'meanness' of Claire. Clayton walks Claire out and then comes back to do the usual "if anyone else wants to leave" speech but no one else leaves.
Rachel the flight instructor gets some good time with Clayton; both talking about jumping out of planes together.
Teddi gets the first impression rose she also gets a make-out session "she got me feeling some type of way...I am going to be thinking about that kiss for sometime."
Rose Ceremony:
Clayton "I do want to apologize to those that I was not able to speak with."
Roses to Serene, Susie, Eliza (who beams), Rachel, Ency (in a dress that I love and am weirded out by), Sarah, Kate, Cassidy, Elizabeth, Kira,( Genevieve is the 'stressed out' narrator for much of this "Since I can remember I have just wanted to be a mom and a wife" yeesh lady dream bigger), Sierra, (Gabby now takes over narration "It feels like a punch in the stomach every time I hear a name that is not mine), Mara, Marlena, Genevieve, Melina, Gabby (she reaches for the rose and then apologizes "Oh sorry" when she realizes it has to be formally offered "will you accept this rose?") (Now it is Tessa's turn to cry and narrate "I just look around and I think why am I here, like what do I have that these girls don't have? I am just feeling inadequate")Jill, Lyndsey W., Hunter (damn it please no more snake), Tessa gets the final rose. Which means a strong crop of women are going home, and really that girl from earlier in the day did NOT deserve to stay over anyone of these ladies.
Ahem the law student is going home, girl we are taught in our community "EDUCTION IS THE KEY" you SHOULD HAVE STAYED YO ASS IN SCHOOL! The bar mitzvah dancer that refused to speak and did not hug Clayton at the start is going home, I think she sealed her fate the minute she raised the shushing finger to her lips.
Bloopers:
Clayton and someone I cannot name because without chyrons I am usually lost the first few weeks recreate the 'Office Space' beat a printer up scene.
No comments:
Post a Comment