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Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Bachelorette July 1st, oh Barcelona Bull Fights are not the worst thing to happen to you

Tonight we invade Barcelona. Drew has the first one on one and both E. Money and D immediately proclaim him “SOoooooo gay” crazy to see how quickly and immediately they both said the same thing. E, was surprised his umbrella was not a rainbow. Drew breaks out his sob story and tells us his dad is a recovering alcoholic and big in AA I yell “way to make it anonymous”

They walk past some street musicians who just happen to be posted up in their alley way but mysteriously do not have a hat or bucket or anything to get money they are clearly just playing for the love…or for the show.

Des and Drew are sitting down at the table then Drew grabs her hand and takes her running off down an alley for a ‘private’ make out session. To really sell the ‘realism’ the Bachelorette adds in some post production sounds of frantic running and even show us one of the many camera men to make it seem more real but he only makes it about 200 feet before he starts making out in “private”. Once he gets the safety of the Rose he then dimes out James and his alleged plans to be the next Bachelor.

For the group date they go to play football…remember there is a professional footballer on the show. They end up playing a professional team, a women’s professional team. Kasey expresses shock that they are going to play a team, you know despite the fact that they always play a team when in any competition. The women’s team smokes them with James in the goal who absolutely should be castrated for his effort.

They all go to the dinner portion of the date and Des starts reading some poetry to Chris because you know Poets and stuff. Her poetry is terrible, absolute junk and of course Chris has to look like he loves it. I have no idea if he does or not but no way does he tell her the truth if he thinks it sucks.

Kasey et al pull James to the side to accuse him of saying that he planned to be the next Bachelor. James accuses them of using hearsay while addressing Michael (the Federal prosecutor) I like that he has been watching his 'Law and Order'. James does my move of trying to attack the attackers and finding one nugget of truth and hammering it in, in this case – the fact that Michael was not actually present for the alleged conversation. That is the way to do it, find something you can attack and go for it even if it does not matter one bit in the grand scheme.

Des declares no rose for the group date because she needs time to confront James. She starts to ask him all the questions that the guys have told her. James does a good move as above and attacks a single area and attacks it hard, he claims the guys are jealous and as E said “pauses long enough to work up the man tears”. Des needs time to think, so she has to walk away then comes back to say she needs even more time and will have to sleep on it.

The guy all assume that James is not returning and then he walks in and actually does something smooth: “Gentlemen, [pause] Good night [icicles hang in the air]” walks off. And I want to applaud him.

Zak gets the one on one. I may not have said this yet but he is my favorite on this show just because he is so goofy (remember last week he yodeled). So tonight they go to an art studio and take drawing lessons the first model walks in steps on the podium and everyone assumes he is going to strip…but he does not. Then a second model comes out and yup we have a nude model situation, the look on Zak’s face is again a reason to love him on this show, he had the look of someone who was told to prepare for a surprise rectal examination. Zak breaks out his own body (shielded by a brief) for Des to draw…only the supremely confident could risk that.

James and Drew have an argument and James says the most honest thing anyone on the show has ever said “this is not a normal situation” while referring to the show. The guys all have a team meeting without James; it’s the Real World house “house meeting y’all”. Every one of the guys is dressed casually but James comes in rocking a formal shirt and designer jeans and sandals…not a good look son. By the way casually for these guys means V-necks all around.

Des in her stand up claims that she plans to send James home then they begin the talk and we cut to another stand up of Des where she is now confused about sending him home. James manages to confuse Des with his words, not that hard. James is sweating so hard that it looks like he is lactating yet by the time he returns to the room, his shirt is completely dry…I have to wonder if they A. switched his shirts for him or B. the time periods in between the shots is ridiculously long or C. it is edited out of order.

The guys again confront James (Zak chills in the background like a G) and James comes off perfectly reasonable, he points out that the show is not real life, that people think about other people when they are not committed to someone blah blah blah. Basically he says things normal people would think about when entering a reality show and the other guys just cannot fathom it.

Des is seen staring at the pictures to make her decision and I forgot how much I missed those ridiculous fake decision making moments.

Rose ceremony time and a bombshell is dropped, three people are going home tonight. And they are James, Juan Pablo and Kasey. Michael gets to stay and then makes another legal reference…thanks again man nothing like making lawyers look like tools.


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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.