The Bachelorette makes a federal case

We invade Madeira which is owned by Portugal even though it is closer to African countries…just saying.
 

Des claims to be bringing out 3 of her girlfriends to give her advice and shockingly its 3 girls from her season of the Bachelor (Jackie, Lesley M aka the one I wanted as the Bachelorette and Catherine), I get the feeling Des no longer has ‘regular friends’. Sean’s fiancé was instructed to “give Des good advice”…vague much?
 

The ladies begin scoping the guys out with binocs and yup it is as creepy as they said it was. Des claims the girls have confirmed for her she made the right decision…how did they do that Des? They didn’t meet the other guys prior nor were they able to talk to these guys to confirm any of your judgments.

Brooks and Des literally have a date in the clouds, they are on a mountain in Madeira and the clouds wrap around them and they make a lot of cloud 9 references. Earlier as they were driving up the mountain I mentioned that it looked a lot like Jamaica, D hit me with a great joke “Except those are actual clouds and not clouds from weed smoke” – I hate him so much right now...for beating me to the joke. The more I see how beautiful Madeira is, the more I want some African country to just go in and claim it.
 

Brooks admits that he is not as in love with Des as she is with him…but he is ‘smart’ enough to do it in a confessional and not to her. Fireworks go off in the night sky and Des makes this statement “when I kiss Brooks fireworks go off” she then does the sound effects and pantomimes the fireworks…I want her to get hit by one.

Oh and let’s see if she kisses all 5 guys tonight. I say she does, D says No!
 

Chris is up next, he and Des take a yacht to a private island and share a picnic, then he breaks out a bottle and Des immediately knows that it is “message in a bottle” time. Suspicious. Des and Chris write awful poetry together to place in the bottle so that someone else might find it, read it and throw up. By the way people, messages in a bottle are just LITTERING! They go and throw the bottle into the ocean and we learn that not only does Chris write bad poetry he cannot throw.
 

At their dinner Chris is planning to tell Des that he is falling in love with her and of course he has to read it to her via a poem…Des says she didn’t expect him to tell her in this way – Has she not been hanging out with him? All he ever does is spout bad poetry.
 

Michael the federal prosecutor is up next – is he still a Fed prosecutor at this point? Seems like he has a lot of free time. Michael says that if you had a scavenger hunt for the woman with 47 great points Des has 48, I may not have that verbatim cause I was struggling to keep my dinner down while he spoke. Michael reveals personal stuff to Des, dad not home, he is a great prosecutor (okay I know he did not say it blatantly but wow did he hint it) and type 1 Diabetes, that admission shocks D out of his stupor.
 

We continue the streak of singers performing on the show that I do not know…granted this is a Madeiran singer but hey it counts. By the way, Des is 3 for 3 kissing guys.
 

The 2 on 1 date is next which might make it less likely for a 5 for 5 kissing streak. The 3 head off to a go-kart track. It is Drew vs my favorite Zak, I think I may have won over D and E to my side and they are now rooting for Zak. Zak and Drew are racing each other and Zak takes the early lead in the race and it is interspersed with interviews with the guys; both guys make references to "love is like a race" or some such nonsense and it is clear that they were led there by the producers no way do they both independently carry this level of corniness.
 

Zak has a sketch book that just mysteriously appears in his lap. I swear that when they walked off for private time they had wine glasses only. Anyway Zak does the thing and allows me to yell out 4 for 4! D lacked faith but I assured him that it was a guarantee Des would kiss all 5 tonight…Drew has the personality of a wet blanket but I have faith in him even he can seal the deal.
 

D is still convinced that Drew is gay; I think he is just awkward around Des not repulsed by her. Drew brings up his sister to Des, she is severely mentally impaired (the sister not Des) and I am saddened that it feels like a ploy for sympathy and the kiss and THERE IS THE KISS FIVE FOR FIVE! YES YES YES. Back to the sister thing, I am not sure how to feel I admire him for taking care of his sister (though at the same time that is what you should do) and I admire him for being okay enough to talk about her BUT, at the same time it felt like a ploy.
 

Drew secures the rose that really should have gone to our boy Zak, but Zak didn’t play the family tragedy card.
 

So we go to the cocktail party and the inevitable interview with Chris Harrison (free trip to Madeira).

I pretty much zoned out on all of her convo with Chris Harrison, I was busy renewing my fantasy football leagues (yes I do manly stuff). I think Des admits to being in love with Brooks. Brooks gets the first rose (shocking I know), then Chris then…our boy Zak makes it. Thankfully, we get to see Zak take Des to Texas – this I cannot wait for.

 Michael gets to talk it out with Des and says something thoroughly stupid “It is going to be hard to date...because no girl is going to match up to you”. Come on man, you do know women watch this show right? Way to let the next girl you hook up with know upfront that she is not good enough.
 

Michael calls his mom from the car while crying and I start to see more of this guy’s psyche than I ever wanted to see. The mom said “here we go again” never a good sign when that phrase is used about your love life. Just saying…
 

The previews reveal the thing we have been waiting all season for, in fact it might be the reason why Des was picked as the Bachelorette – the arrival of Des’ brother. And yup he looks as stalkerish as ever.