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Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Bachelorette recap and the Zak Attack is no more

We start in Dallas, Texas with Zak. The camera shows him sketching but as yet we do not know what it is…for now just a circle (guess it makes sense to practice those). I really want Zak to win but it does not seem like Des hangs on his words the way she does for Brooks’ words. Zak takes her on his family’s snow cone truck and they serve a tonne of kids snow cones while Zak dresses up in a penguin outfit.
They go to meet Zak’s family and there is a tonne of joyous hugging that just seems built for the camera, only sociopaths are this joyous to wrap someone in their arms that they have just met. Zak’s mom pulls Des aside to talk to her and I love her Texas accent – I miss hearing that daily. Zak’s mom tells Des to look for that spark to know if there is love. Might not be the best thing to tell the girl that is in a competitive dating show, I fear foreshadowing.
Zak’s sis does a good job of playing him up, good cheerleader there. Zak and his mom sit side by side and I really think we need to see Zak’s birth certificate, he and his mom look a little too close in age. Zak’s family sings the song that he ‘claims he wrote for Des’ though I suspect he wrote that song prior and it just worked out that he was on the talent show. D thinks Zak’s sis is going for a record deal. He also thinks that Zak should not tell Des that he loves her “Never say it first” such a cynic this kid is...If you cannot find love on a dating show with multiple cameras following you where can you find it? By the way Zak gave Des a ring...yup a ring.
Drew is up next in Arizona and D again yells “gay” the minute Drew comes on screen. Drew as if hearing D immediately plants kisses on Des, it seems forced and I will give D this…Drew has an effeminate laugh and I think that is what is casting suspicion (which of course means nothing, I am just trying to find reasons). We also find out that this will be the first time Drew’s dad will be entering his Mom’s house – Awkward.
Drew takes Des to meet his disabled sister and this feels exploitative. D notices that Des was “not expecting this”. The parents do the pull them aside to talk to them routine, Drew’s dad calls his daughter an angel no one will argue that. Drew and his mom hold hands when they talk…not sure my feelings on that I just know it is different! Drew tells his dad he wants to marry Des and the dad says “Bring this girl back into our family” good pep talk and all but something just does not seem right. Things all seem too perfect. Drew takes Des aside and tells her he loves her and keeps repeating it, almost as if he is trying to convince himself.
Chris is next in Oregon and like every stereotype of Oregon we have to see Chris on a trail and he is picking wild flowers for Des. D and I turn to each other at the same time and utter “If this dude reads another poem/no more bloody poems”. Chris takes Des to the baseball field and why not a few forced baseball puns “That was a catch, no you are a catch”. We do not get a poem, we get sketches from Des - Chris says this is “something that only her and I have” one problem Chris she STOLE THIS FROM ZAK!

Des meets Chris’ family and like Zak’s they look like they had their make up done for camera. Chris’ dad offers to give Des a lumbar adjustment and does it immediately, nothing weird about that. Chris and his dad have a talk and the dad asks if Des is eating right…yeah I don’t know either. And I am not touching the whole nose adjustment thing Chris was getting while his dad was talking to him. Chris is nervous that Des and his mom are talking for a long time - he should not be. His mom brings up a great point to him “you guys are not in the real world, what is going to happen when you jump back into the real world?”

Brooks is up next in Salt Lake City and he claims that it feels like a year since he saw Des, basically intimates that he had forgotten about her. Des and Brooks have a picnic it was boring, she breaks out a list of all the ‘amazing moments’ they had. Cue in Penny from ‘Happy Endings’. 

  They enter a canoe and I hope they fall in, sadly all they do is take on water because Brooks tries to stand in a canoe…I do not trust his pretense of this being a regular thing. They cut to the commercial and drop a beautiful gem on me…there is a San Diego casting call, I plan to force D to go. July 26th the day that could be the best moment of my life.
We meet Brooks’ family and get the usual overwhelming hugathon. I have seen a lot of pastel shirts on this show tonight. I am starting to think all these meals are catered, everyone’s family meal has looked amazing can there really be this many good cooks?
Des and the mom talk, blah blah. Brooks’ brothers grill him blah blah. He and Des are so bland. Brooks is talking to a young lady and I do not know if it is a sister or a sister in law but she tells him that in a marriage you should miss when the other person is not there…hmm see above. I think D and I are having show fatigue we have barely paid attention during the Brooks hometown, we have however spent a decent amount of time talking about getting him on the Bachelor.
Des’ brother shows up, the moment we have all been waiting for. Des’ brother mentions that Des did not talk to him for a couple months after he “screwed it up” for her on the Bachelor. Damn it Des’ brother is calm, biggest let down of the season other than realizing that Des was the Bachelorette.
Chris Harrison does his lord of the manor thing and questions Des, he really really really tries to help Des down a path by pointing out again that Brooks is the only one that has not told her he loves her, Des just pushes past that.
Des is doing her confessional speech and says that nothing can get in the way and the video shows the guys walking in with Chris Harrison and her brother creepily peering from behind a wall. Oh Bachelorette editors sometimes you are the best.
Brooks gets the first rose, then Chris and now it is down to best Buds Zak and Drew…and the homie Zak has to go home. Part of why I have been able to stomach this season is because Zak was quirky. Des is so bland that it was fun watching Zak be goofy around her. What we have left is 3 cookie cutter corny chaps and a weak personality Bachelorette  - it cuts down on the value of the show, and apparently the ratings reflect it.
Zak is confused in the limo, keep your head up man, you now have a good 4-5 year run meeting random strange in bars as the featured attraction in “Meet Zak from the Bachelorette” bar flyers.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.