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Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Bachelor Episode 6, or let's go down under and seriously not chuckle at the references

This show is weakening me, yesterday I was able to rip open my snap peas bag, today, same type of packaging and I had to get scissors…I blame the show. JP says “I like this[x thing]” a lot. They are in Taupo, New Zealand – between the Bachelor and every Peter Jackson movie, New Zealand has had enough bloody free advertising. Clare says “last week in Vietnam everything kind of blew up in my face” and I give a juvenile “that’s what she said” chuckle.

Andi finally gets her one x one date.
'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Again
And we have another scene of Renee comforting another girl who is thinking of leaving: Renee do you know the point of this show?

Date time, and JP’s voice over says that he talked to the locals and they told him a spot to go to…really JP, you spoke to the locals? You made inquiries? When, when did you do this? Why do I take this so seriously? I call shenanigans because I do not think that I should care this much about what feels like an obvious lie. Another thing I always find funny, is these peeps acting as if they are in some perilous situations when the camera man is clearly just ahead of them since they are on a steady cam the whole time. 'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Again

JP says he has an amazing date planned for the evening and then says it will be in front of a geyser and “it is going to blow her mind” no way did he come up with that on his own. Of course the geyser goes off and of course they are too close, so the food all gets wet…maybe next time set up the meal in the distance, you can still see the effect but not soak your date.

Cassandra “as much as I miss my son, I had a really nice talk with Renee” look rarely if ever does anything good come out of a parent’s mouth if they say “as much as” then something about their kid. Way to make the kid secondary. Did I mention she is only 21 (22nd birthday on her group date) is the baby mamma to an NBA player and danced for 2 different NBA teams…just saying.

Andi says to JP that she wants a family and it wows him – that is right girl, use those lawyering skills, you are not matching wits with a mental giant. 'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Again

Group date time,
'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Again
They roll down hills in OGOs 'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back AgainNikki and JP sneak kisses in the OGOs. 'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back AgainFor the evening portion they go to Hobbiton (where the Lord of the rings movies are filmed) 'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back AgainShareleen geeked out (I liked her bathing suit, it was risky and different [drats just noticed I copied the words from E’s text in my description).

Renee subtly tells JP that Cassandra is freaking out by saying that they both had mommy heart to hearts. They quickly make out because again JP + words = not that great. 'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Again

Then a bad kiss with Nikki
'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Again
On Sharleen’s one on one they say these words before a make out session (I even did the thing I hate doing I REWOUND the bachelor just to confirm) S; “Hi” JP: “Hi” S: “How are you?” JP: “Good How are you?” S: “Good.” JP: “That’s good” then MAKING OUT…and they say conversation is dead? Their make outs are always so awkward. 'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Again

Cassandra (birthday girl) 'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Againis on her date and I crack up that they have updated her age on the screen. She says JP is “such a good dad”. I wonder how she knows this, what about this makes you think he is a good dad? He left his daughter for months to go on the Bachelorette, now leaves her for weeks to be the Bachelor. Best dad in the world that guy!

Renee’s voice over says that she is rooting for Cassandra to get the rose if she does not get it; again, do you get the point of the show? JP gives the rose to Sharleen, and she does an awkward bow. 'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Again(So happy there was a gif of this)
JP then takes Cassandra outside to talk and you know the axe is coming. He starts off by complimenting her looks – yup she is definitely going home. 'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Again
Cassandra says “I have been waiting so long for someone special” she is 22! 'Happy Birthday' – 'get off the show', cruel timing. 'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Again
Even crueler having to watch her and JP share that see thru umbrella this girl cannot catch a break. 

Time for the one on one with Clare:

JP and Clare hash out what happened in the ocean in Vietnam…the coitus we all suspect. They talk about what for them is deep conversation, maybe I should date dumber girls because this discussion was so simple and superficial and immediately went to making out.'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Again Absolutely none of the girls I have ever dated would have let me off the hook so easily for making them cry, then again I also eat ice cream every night and do not look like JP.

Much of their date is very boring, JP hands her sweats to put on to get comfy, they look like Hammer Pants on her which she immediately recognizes and does the Hammer dance. She thinks it is sexy that he wants her to be relaxed. JP puts on the song that he and Clare danced to on their first date and she acts as if he knew and remembered (or had access to his itunes account) to buy this song. The more I see him dancing, the less I think he can actually dance, I know I only see snippets (but the terrible moves are there).

We get the follow up on the guy who plans to propose to his girl aka the extended ad for Jared (with the Box with their name opening up perfectly infront of the camera); shockingly she says yes. Let’s move on.

For all the locations they head to in New Zealand they give full names and locations, I suspect the New Zealand tourist board put in some more demands than the tourist boards of Vietnam and Korea.

Cocktail party time:

Nikki is asked by JP why she likes him she responds with “I just do” and that leads to making out. Anyone remember that time when he said he didn’t want his daughter to see him kissing all these girls on TV? And, you would think that with all this kissing, he would be better at it.

Renee says that now that Cassandra is gone, it is risky for her. Uh huh. 2 dates, 2 make out sessions. I suspect every girl is getting a kiss tonight.

Chelsie over talks on her date, she is going a mile a minute and JP looks glazed.'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Again
 But, uh oh, she gets a kiss on the cheek.

Kat’s turn and she starts talking a tonne too (but sad stuff) – the eyes glaze again.
'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Again

Rose ceremony time:

It is down to Kat and Chelsie and Chelsie gets the rose. Sharleen as always looks more distraught than the girl leaving…what is going on here? Kat goes out with a bit of a humble brag “My whole life I have been told about how great I am and yet here I sit [in the limo going home]”. Sharleen says “she feels guilty” for still being there. 'The Bachelor' GIF Recap Week 6: There And Back Again

Finally they are going to somewhere I have been next week…Miami. Sharleen hints that she might leave, am I too cynical for thinking that she is only now saying this because they have stopped travelling to exotic locations?

In the blooper reel we get a video of the girls running through the fields apparently chasing the sheep until we see that JP is actually flinging sheep poop at the girls. Yup, this is the show I watch! At least I know I will not die in my sleep tonight, no way could this be the last thing I see.

 And Now for E’s take

Taupo, New Zealand…  I’ve been there! Fun times were had. [Editor’s note, I bet they were]  Almost went skydiving there.  Anyway, Andi gets the first date.

The moms have a heart to heart…lots of tears.  Yawn.

Back to Andi’s date… So JP “talked to the locals” about a very romantic place.  Yeah, right.  I think I would be a little freaked out going through those tunnels in the water.  Water with nature in it creeps me out.  But where they end up is so beautiful.  And it’s funny because she talks about wanting to get to know JP better, and deeper, but all that gets stronger and deeper are their kisses and make-out sessions.  Sheesh.

The second part of the date is in Rotorua.  Which smells like bad eggs (sulfur).  That can’t be romantic!  God, it must smell SOOOOO bad. 
[Editor’s note, we get it you were there (trying hard not to be jealous, I am failing terribly)] And then they get rained on by the geyser and it seems like Andi may not be one to go with the flow.  Then she back tracks a little and says it is all about the company and getting to know him…. I don’t buy it.

Group date:
My prediction from the previews last week was that they go zorbing.  Let’s see.

I can’t believe Cassandra is only just turning 22.  I bet the only reason she is on the show is because she already has a kid of her own.

Okay, so yes, what I experienced as zorbing is called something else now, but it is the same thing.  I never did it, but it looked like fun.  I just took pictures and watched people.
[Editor's note, they are called OGOs and yup they look fun]

I’m a little jelly that they’re in Hobbtion.  Not gonna lie.
[Editor’s note - Not gonna lie, amused that you said jelly]

It’s a little weird that Nikki never looks at JP when she talks to him.
[Editor’s note – Shame does that]

Is it weird when Sharleen kisses because she always keeps her head super straight?  Maybe that’s what it is.  She’s just weird. 
[Editor’s note, I will let you slide this time on dissing my girl] And seriously, any time JP is telling the girls everything is going to be okay, it makes me laugh.  He gets this weird breathy voice.

HAHA! When JP pulls Cassandra out after giving the rose to Sharleen, Nikki says “He’s probably taking her out to say happy birthday…” and frowny nods sagely.  No, she is like, that bitch is OUTTA HERE! Yesssssss.  Anyway, Worst.  Birthday.  Ever.

Queue saddest song ever.  I snorted out loud.
[Editor’s note, I think they blew the budget on flights and foreign limo rentals and couldn’t afford good music this episode]

So wait, Sharleen is thinking about going home?  And she already has a rose?  Doesn’t really surprise me (this isn’t quite a non sequitur, it was a “coming up next…”).

I don’t know if I can handle this Clare one on one.  I already feel like sighing heavily.  Anyway, so they have this long conversation and he goes on and on about not wanting to do anything that would be the wrong impression for this daughter, and then cue the close up of tonguing.  Again, sheesh. So in the room he puts on some song from their first date and I think my eyes actually hurt from rolling so far back into my head.  But they didn’t plug the song and artist, so I guess that sucks for whomever that was that I never knew and already forgot.
[Editor’s note – they didn’t put any info on the song because they couldn’t remember who he was either, he could walk into my home right now and I would stare at him like “dude why did you just invade my home and why are you singing some terrible song?”]

OMG.  He said pink underwear.  “I like pink a lot.”  So, that question you asked me on text?  YES.
[Editor’s note, I questioned some aspects about JP and his commitment to all these girls]

Pre-rose ceremony, if it is between Chelsie and Kat, Chelsie wins hands down with the one on one chats.  She went upbeat and Kat went dark.  Both of them are so confident the other is going home.
[Editor’s note, is it bad that I was cool with both going home?]

So I guess the Sharleen freaking out and talking about going home is next week? Or did I totally zone out? (Oh there it is at the end).

I knew it!  Chelsie stays, Kat goes.  She bombed her one on one time.  Clare looks way too happy when Kat leaves.  And again Sharleen is way too torn up about one of the other girls leaving.
[Editor’s note, guilt?]

Funny thing, the first place they go that I haven’t been to is Miami.  Go ahead, call me out on the humble brag.
[Editor’s note I DID…gotcha Beeyotch]

From the outtakes, it looks like Renee might have been saved because he was impressed that she slung some sheep poop at him.


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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.