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Thursday, February 27, 2014

Bachelor recap, part 2 of a 2 part descent into Brain Mush or how Andi stole the show!

(My usual source of Gifs seems to be dead...RIP)
Damn it they go to another Caribbean island that is NOT Jamaica. This week they go to St. Lucia, and JP struggles to pronounce its name.


JP says the overnight is special because he gets to talk to the girls with no cameras…yup talk.


Clare is first, and she weirdly runs up. The Lucian weather is not kind to Clare’s makeup. Clare pretends that she would have to consider an invite to the fantasy suite. As always we get the jump from the yacht into the water move. JP says the fantasy suite is a time for “us to get to know each other a lot better” with a creepy smile to the camera.  


Hmm maybe Clare really is serious about the hesitancy (or she could be doing to JP what a girl did to me…I once said I would deny anything between us and she forever held it against me; JP burned Clare with the Vietnam ocean thing and she wants him to feel it.) Nope she is going to the fantasy suite. If you are a girl on this show, you want to go first right? Granted last, might have the lasting memory, but first means no sloppy seconds or thirds…


JP said no cameras in fantasy suite, but we follow them right in. Clare says “I am loving falling in love with you” does that count? I am stealing that move. Overall this is a very boring date. Of course they end up in the water with Clare straddling him, but remember if this was in the ocean it would be bad for his daughter to see.


Andi next:

Weird while watching this the crawl is about the SD PD chief resigning because of sexual abuse cases by officers against women the timing may not be the best KGTV promo department.


As the son of a man who played Steel Drums when he was younger, and who himself can play a bit of the steel drum it annoyed me greatly to see Andi and JP interrupt a band to have them teach them it felt very “let’s interact with the natives” ish, also the move of asking the little kids on the beach if they were hungry…eh not good. They then played football with the natives even though JP insisted on calling it soccer. JP again pretends that he has a surprise for Andi and not “the producers have told me this is what we are doing”.


JP wants to know if Andi is falling in love despite saying she shouldn’t force it…which is it fellah? JP brings up some of the questions I had for Andi (see last week’s blog) and even mentions the bar, Andi does not answer and instead brings up other questions…smooth. Andi pretends that she is considering the fantasy suite request and puts it back on JP when we all know her answer is a resounding yes!


Argh E spoiled this (as much as you can spoil this show) by texting me how much the girls say “I want this to be forever” and now I cannot stop noticing it. What is with the overly dramatic fantasy suite music?


JP the morning after claims that he and Andi laughed and talked for hours…really, I am supposed to believe those 2 talked for hours of consequence? Whoa, Andi’s post fantasy suite confessional makes me think that maybe their ‘talk’ was not the same as JP’s .
Andi claims there was initially an immediate connection when she and JP first met; I think that is called lust.

 But wow, she goes in on her confessional, basically calling JP a man-child and actually calling him “offensive”.
She says that JP loves himself more than he would care about her. We get a lot of dramatic shots of Andi trying to look reflective. JP told her about his overnight with Clare, hahahahah, this guy has been too good looking for too long; he never had to worry about hurting girls.


Nikki is up next and is wearing an outfit that is Pocahontas crossed with a hippie.
 JP claims that he has no complaints from his nights with the first 2 girls…you are going to wish you saw Andi's confessional first son. They go horseback riding and I worry for the top she is wearing, those ‘ladies’ look like they are trying to escape (this is family programming – allegedly). Nikki says the word ‘like’ like a whole lot, like a lot of times like, like is the only word she knows. They enter the ocean, but after Clare and Vietnam I just cannot care anymore: if anything good happens in it he will slut-shame the girl and I cannot stomach that and if nothing good happens…what is the point?


 Nikki does not even pretend and immediately says yes to the fantasy suite and again JP makes it creepy in his confessional. Nikki drops in her I love you in a complicated fashion but it leads to awkward kissing so mission accomplished I guess.


Chris Harrison has to earn his trip to St Lucia by interviewing JP and pretending to care about JP’s feelings. JP tells Chris that he is feeling good, Chris asks what that means and JP repeats that things are good, he is good, things feel good then blames his English.


The girls leave video testimonials for JP, Clare and Nikki leave the usual simple we are meant to be messages but Andi tells him that she has to see him in person. Thanks to DVR I do not have to watch Andi walk slowly up the mountain path. Sounds like Andi has discovered what I blogged about in week 2, anytime a serious conversation comes up, JP just tries to kiss it away, literally.


Andi is telling JP that she is not in love with him and will never be and he takes it in stride, but that doesn’t sit well with Andi, she clearly wants him to show more emotion. She gets mad at him, I understand where she is coming from but at the same time it is not practical.
 When you are one of three, you are not as special as you think you should be. I think I am blogging too fast for this show Andi literally answers JP’s question of “what do you want me to do?” with “Feel something” I am looking into your soul Andi, I know you before you know you.

 Andi says that JP told her that between her and Renee she made it “here by default” hmm see my writing about the night before because JP has just told her what I said last night he picked the prettier girls. We have a he said she said about what happened in the fantasy suite. Andi accuses JP of not taking her seriously or the show seriously (sacrilege).
 What Andi wants from JP cannot really happen, she wants him to break down but in the back of his head he is always thinking – “I have 2 other girls waiting for me” Plus (and maybe I am too practical here) if you have 2 other girls waiting, one whom you may propose to and she will eventually watch this show you cannot be seen begging a third girl to stay.

 Now that she is over him, when JP reaches up to touch her face and remove a smudge she says “you are going to mess my makeup up”. All season he paws at her face to no retribution, but now that it is over it is a taste of “non mi toccare” (look it up I just made you enlightened and improved your travel in Italy). Andi rides off in a minibus, guess the budget couldn’t get the limos to St. Lucia. She is still ranting about the fact that JP says the word “okay” constantly.
 I really think they had sex!

The other 2 girls arrive for the rose ceremony and they do not know yet that Andi is gone. Both resume their death-stare competition. When Chris Harrison tells them that Andi is no longer in the competition, they switch to confused-face. Nikki still looks angry when Clare accepts her rose, as if she thought halfway through the ceremony JP would just reject Clare.


Very brief but poignant thoughts from E:


So I have a lot of things to say but will leave it at this. Andi went on and on about how JP only thought of himself and was all about him etc. It cracked me up at the end in the rose ceremony when JP says "but there's nothing I can do about it. I cannot force somebody to like me or spend the rest of my life with me."

Spend the rest of MY life with me.

Not their life. So perfect

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.