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Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Bachelor recap or a Panda in a room full of brown bears.

Just admitted to new roomie that I watch this show, figured get the scorn out of the way early.

Tonight we travel to Vietnam, and I think, maybe we are going to exciting places because JP is so boring. "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning VietnamNikki acknowledges that there was a lot of tension in the house last week, and that she might be the cause…I acknowledge that they were in South Korea and not the house, but eh, Semantics.

Renee gets the one on one date. And we get the obligatory scene of her caking on makeup. JP puts her in a pedicab and starts pedaling, I wonder if he didn’t want to sit beside her? "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam
JP says “the date card said ‘Are we the right fit?’ and I am going to get a tailored dress for her” makes you quickly realize he did not write it. "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam She gets fitted for the dress and they go off to buy gifts for their kids. The evening portion of the date arrives and Renee arrives in the dress. "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning VietnamThey enter a restaurant and Renee pretends to be shocked that it is just for the 2 of them…watch the show woman, watch the show.

JP brings up Ben’s dad (Renee’s baby daddy) not something you would bring up on a first date, but this show is weird. JP reaches forward to fix something on Renee’s face/hair and she leans in with the ‘expecting a kiss’ look. Cut to hotel, the girls find out who is going on the one on one date and Andi is sad when they deduce that it is Nikki."The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam
Back to the date and Renee gets the rose and the kiss on the cheek."The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam They send off wish baskets into the water and Renee’s wish is for a kiss, but JP in his confessional says it is not going to happen because her son (at 8 years old) is old enough to see and worry about it…if your kid is 8 and watching the Bachelor, you have bigger problems than him seeing you kiss peeps.

The group date –

They are all paired up to get in boats, but the girls don’t want to pair with Clare so she ends up in the boat with JP…Kelly (dog lover) notes “first time ever it works out not having friends”. Like every episode, JP’s shirt comes off. JP thinks he is smooth and tries to sneak kisses with Clare, he is the very opposite since all the girls see it happen. "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam
Cut to a Nikki confessional where she is worried that she is not on the group date and that if she were on it she might not get the group date rose then says this gem “that is silly, I always get the rose”.

The girls are handed hats and baskets and led outside to work, one girl calls it a garden but it is clearly a field, this is not someone’s backyard potting, this is a farm! Cassandra says it would be cool to have stuff like this in the states, WE DO! "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam
Clare says “I am just going to be Clare” I suspect she has said that a tonne in her life. We get a Jared jewelry tie in where some guy basically reveals that he stalked his girl online, next week we get to see if she says yes to his proposal (let me spoil it for you from now she says "YES"…no way he agreed to the ad, and no way Jared runs it if she said no while he was holding one of their engagement rings).

Clare gets pulled aside first for the one on one interaction. JP takes her to his suite and mysteriously she ends up in the water in a bathing suit while in her confessional she says “I keep ending up in the water with no bathing suit”. I am not the greatest eye for women’s fashion, but I KNOW THAT BRAS DO NOT TIE WITH STRINGS AROUND THE NECK."The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam Sorry for shouting, but the ridiculousness of the confessional voice over while I am staring at her in the pool was silly.

I need him to see me as a “Panda in a room full of brown bears” that is Sharleen’s words while she is wearing a black and white dress that has no back – I can dig it. They kiss but I did not see it because on instinct I turned away, E swears it was normal this time (see below)."The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam
 I also wonder how much time there is in between these one on one moments, since JP seems completely dry. Andi apologizes to her mom because she is “sucking face again”. "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam
Clare gets the rose "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam
and Andi gives stink face. "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam

The girls get back to their room and Claire sneaks out to go see JP (who notes that it is 4am) and get him to do a first for her ‘swim in a warm ocean’ (that is code for Sex right?)."The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam
I know to many peeps that request might seem weird, but to someone who used to always swim in the ocean and then moved to beside the Pacific…I MISS THE WARM waters. I used to go swimming at 3am in Jamaica and it was awesome, I now live blocks from the water and I never swim in it. The Pacific was designed to stunt growth; every time I dip just a toe in I think I will never be able to produce kids.

Time for Nikki’s one on one date and she dresses like a 90s tennis star. We see her take her suitcase and place it by the door (foreshadowing? Doubt it, she is too cute and pushes the right buttons). Continuing the tradition of extreme dates, they are going to rappel down a rock face to a cave. "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam
Nikki is nervous, she lists her options as “I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants.” Just like Clare with bungee jumping of course she does it…then says she would not do it for any ordinary guy just for someone she is falling for, or as I think is much more honest – because she is on TV.

Nikki speaks intelligently about her job, which leaves me slightly sad, I do not want to view these girls as normal beings. She smoothly transitions into saying she has a lot of love to give to someone and their child. Nikki of course gets the rose. "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam

Rose ceremony is coming up and Renee when seeing the location says “perfect setting for a first kiss” she is desperate. JP announces that he is sending home 3 people that night, I immediately think Danielle is one because I never see her interacting with him. JP tells Andi not to be nervous about the rose ceremony. “Dame un besito” (give me a little kiss) that is JP teaching Andi how to speak Spanish…creeper.

Renee convinces JP that her son already knows she has issues so it is okay to slobber her, and so he does. "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam
This leads to her spinning around like a top.

JP pulls Clare aside to talk about their 4am swim class and his regrets about doing it. This leads to Clare crying (she is allegedly 32) she says that when they were in the ocean “it was a mutual feeling, there was no miscommunication, there was no misunderstanding, he was on board with everything”…uhmm did they tap? They did - didn't they? It sounds like someone tapped, plus her toast had that pause in it with the "making love".
No gif but look at the post toast faces she has the "whoo hoo I did it look" and he has the "oh crap she just admitted it to everyone look" toast

Clare continues crying for another session and asks JP if he wants to take the rose back. Cynical me thinks part of this is her playing a game since she knows she is safe.
"The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam

Oh hey there Chris Harrison, I see you got the free trip to Vietnam for ten minutes of work. The line up commences. Andi gets the final rose which makes my prediction of Danielle correct, but Kelly the Dog lover is gone which means her catty comments are gone and I will miss those. I think having JP separated from her dog for so long cost her. Sharleen and JP are both crying like they were the ones cut."The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 5: Good Morning Vietnam
They are heading to New Zealand next week...wonder if they cut 3 girls to save cost.
The blooper reel has the girls riding oxen. 

 And now thoughts from E (including a mini humble brag re her travels): 

Okay, so I have to warn you that this may get a little heavy on the personal comments because I know one of the places they go is Hoi An, and that’s easily one of the top 5 places I’ve ever been to in my life, and I was there last March so it is still fresh.

Rene has the first one on one date.  I think she is going to get sent home (this is my guess before seeing the date).  So the date takes place in Hoi An.  I know exactly where they are!  I spent 5 days exploring this place and fell in love with it.  I miss it.  When they’re wandering the streets I’m right back there.  And it’s funny she said during the measurements for her dress sorry I’m sweaty and I was like oh yeah that was me too.  LOL

Well, looks like I was wrong.  Rene got the rose.  But I am glad.  I like her.  But her not getting a kiss is getting more and more awkward.

Andi is being an idiot about not getting the one on one date. Deal with it.

Group date.

Not much to say.  Until JP “randomly” finds some guy who invites him into his home to eat.  Yeah.  Random.  These girls are idiots.  They just happen to have hats for everyone.  And some sort of utensil or something.  And a community garden.  Holy cow how great was it that they randomly found this place that wasn’t planned at all!  Maybe Chelsie is the biggest idiot.

Sharleen: “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”  Ummmmm, okayyyy…  Oh wow, did they have a normal looking kiss?

Um, did Claire just say they did it, basically?  For someone who implemented a no kiss rule she sure is a slut.

Nikki’s one on one date:

Ha! She cracks me up.  At the entrance to the cave: “Should someone call my mom and tell her that I love her?”  It’s also funny that JP is all of a sudden no longer afraid of heights (remember the bungee jump?).

The beginning of the cocktail party is so awkward.  And then Claire’s toast about making love?  Yeah, she boned him.

Yes! Rene got her kiss.  The swelling music and everything makes it seems like they’re going to have an immaculate conception from that kiss.

And back to the Claire being a slut… isn’t it funny how she is going on and on about not realizing his daughter might see it?  Um, what about your mom?  Family and friends?  No matter how much you want to get it on, seriously, how can you forget cameras are on you and basically you’re making porn?

Rose Ceremony

Andi looks desperate.  Wow.  But she got the rose.  I was not at all surprised by the 3 that went home.  The last of the riff raff in my opinion. And I just cackled out loud seeing JP all teary saying goodbye to the girls.  Wow, that was funny.

Previews for the next episode go to New Zealand.  From the clips they show my thoughts are: Zorbing! Milford Sound! (maybe).  They’re trip around the world is all places I’ve traveled to before.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.