Bachelor recap or where Juan Pablo makes strange noises and pretends to have a job

Tonight’s episode is in JP’s ‘home town’. And he claims he is on his way to surprise his daughter, cynically I said out loud, “but yet I bet there will be cameras already in the home so how will she be surprised?” and shockingly there were already cameras in the living room. On the drive to see his daughter JP makes a sound similar to little girls waiting to see Bieber…strange. I know he is very good looking, but macho he is not.

Sharleen gets the first one on one and looks less than pleased. She says if there is no mental connection by the end of the date she is leaving…just leave now if intellect is what you are looking for. I think the ladies are all acknowledging that JP is dumb – while talking about Sharleen behind her back they question the connection she would have with JP because “she likes really intellectual guys”.

There is a tonne of bad kissing on the yacht and Sharleen realizing that she might not care for his mind, but she is about the sexy.

Cut to Andi and Nikki talking about JP and Sharleen and their incompatible professions (in truth I am not really sure what JP does), their discussion though makes me think…Hey Andi you are a Chicago lawyer, are you just going to move to Miami? Good luck with the FL bar.

Sharleen keeps claiming that she and JP have chemistry and I think she is talking herself into believing she did not lower herself. JP points out the moon, the sky the company (I think he got his conversation guidelines from the Paula Abdul School for judging commentary). Did we get a glimmer of insight from JP? He says to Sharleen “you are very good at not trying to impress me, and that impresses me” or boiled down ‘you act like you do not like me, so I like you even more’!

Sharleen is hesitant to let JP meet her family, and he comments on her smile. Now I really, really want to meet Sharleen’s parents. I wonder if she is having the hang-ups I would have, I could go on a reality show, but then having to take home a contestant, or the host to meet my super-conservative folks would petrify me.

Nikki gets a one on one date card and is worried that there will be dancing, another girl calls her negative (she is a bit of a sour puss).

Sharleen is freaking out, so of course she goes to talk to Renee, cause everyone knows that Renee is the den mom (and let’s be honest she looks a lot older than the other girls).

Nikki and JP start their one on one at a flower shop and they need to make a flower arrangement for his daughter’s dance recital – seems like a big step all his family will be there. They arrange a terrible bouquet. JP and Nikki walk into the dance recital and it looks like everyone was already there and just waiting for them…I would be so pissed if I was a ‘regular’ family there and had to wait on this cheesy moron when I probably didn’t even want to go to a kids recital to begin with.

So let us talk for a second about JP’s inconsistencies week to week. He is constantly talking about his fears of what his daughter might get from the show if he kisses too many girls, yet he is always kissing girls every 10 minutes on this show. Then he says I have to worry about whom she meets but he takes a date to her recital? A date that might not be there next week? JP’s ex was also there…well done sir, well done.

JP takes Nikki to his claimed ‘office’ Marlins park, Nikki says it is very empty; trust me Nikki, it is about the same attendance as a real Marlins' game. Seriously what does he do? They toss a baseball around, make out on a picnic blanket to stop serious conversations.

JP then talks about the moon and the skies again. I think the producers gave him a script and every time he looks up he forgets it, so he just mentions the first thing he sees.

Sharleen calls a house meeting with the girls to tell them how conflicted she is; and announces that she is leaving. She is even more like my ex now, never knowing for sure what she should do…Sharleen breaks down the 4^th wall and lets us know that she does not think she could just accept a proposal at the end of 3 weeks – gotta fulfill those contractual obligations. JP does his terrible consoling technique of repeatedly saying “look at me, don’t cry, look at me” [it did not work with Clare or Andi and does not work now either].

JP cries over Sharleen’s departure.

Group date time

 – if you get a rose here, JP gets to meet your family and they get to realize they no longer respect you.

Chelsie gets the first alone time, and breaks out the family mementos aaaaaand her parents wrote her notes…I guess it is cute? To me it just made me think she is still a child and her parents know it.

Andi immediately starts crying on her alone time with JP and claims to have a tough shell.

Now that Sharleen is gone Andi starts to steal some moves from her playbook, ‘act uncertain, make him comfort you, confuse him with big words, awkwardly kiss – go team go’.

We are supposed to be on Renee’s alone time, but instead we just see her and JP walking and then they cut back to the other girls talking…wow was it that boring they couldn’t even splice it together?

We cut to Clare’s alone time and JP immediately brings up her dead dad – wow dude, just wow. Clare brings up the video that her dad left for her for the man she is going to marry to watch. It is in DVD format and cynical guy jumps out again; what if by the time she gets hitched she doesn’t own a DVD player? Who are we kidding, she is going to get hitched soon, whether a guy wants it or not.

Andi gets the rose  and Clare looks murderous, Clare says “the people who are getting these roses are the people that are doubting themselves, who are not here for him”. She even gets the blurred cursing in the confessional room treatment – my favorite thing.

Andi and JP go to a Romeo Santos show (JP acted as if we should know who he is) they start dancing on stage. Andi claims that JP is a great dancer, but she also claimed that she doesn’t know anything about latin music – let’s add latin dancing to that lack of knowledge.  

Cut back to hotel room, Clare “I want to hang out with Nikki like I want to be stung by a jelly fish”. The exchange of the girls is awkward. Nikki calls a Clare statement stupid and storms off. Clare goes to confront her. Both girls get mad when they cut each other’s statements off “can you please not cut me off” is a repeated phrase. “You can just excuse yourself from my room” “Your room, did you pay for it?” “Did you?” this argument would win all the dumb girl debates for all time. “Clare is a dog, she peed on him first, she claimed some territory that might not be hers”.

We get another JP and the Yellow M&M candy advertisement and once again, Yellow out acts JP.

The more I see the tension between Nikki and the rest of the girls, I really want to just cut to the ‘After the final rose’ special to see all the yelling and behind the scenes catfights. Nikki is acting as if she is guaranteed to get a rose. Renee, Clare and Chelsea are talking about Nikki and all I can think about is…”Renee is supposed to be the same age as Clare? I have to look this up.” (I probably won’t). Nikki and Clare are left alone on the couch and we hear crickets, not just figuratively we actually hear them…I think the producers piped the sound in.

 Not a word is exchanged until Andi walks up then it goes back to silence. Ha didn’t have to do research, Renee’s age flashes on screen and yup she is allegedly 32…

JP as he leaves to make his decision with Chris feigns fanning himself with his hands, uh huh.

Rose Ceremony time:

Speech from Chris, speech from JP, glazed eyes from Cali J. Nikki gets the first rose and Clare gives murder face, 2^nd rose to Clare (no shock there), now the hammer – Renee gets the final rose again no shock. I never expected Chelsie to make it to the end.

JP immediately starts crying and looking away from her – oh man up G! The girl leaving should not have to comfort you.

Next week the Bachelor tries to kill me by having 2 episodes…looks like Clare’s family might have a Nikki gene in some of them. The blooper reel has Andi doing bad dancing.

 Gifs from http://www.buzzfeed.com/toddb17/the-bachelor-gif-recap-week-7-welcome-to-miami-dhd4

Now for E’s take

Not going to be a lot of notes, I don’t think…

Sharleen’s date:
She says that JP makes her feel happy, which isn’t something that she normally allows herself to feel.  That’s weird.  Really weird.
She has on another interesting bathing suit.  I think I’ve liked them all.

I hate that they edit in so many shots of tongue kissing. Full on tongue.  Ick when it is that close up of a shot.

Nikki’s date:
Risky going to meet the whole family (and baby mama!), wow.  Totally dick to put that on someone with no warning, but that’s gotta be pretty awesome for Nikki!  Do you even think that the dance recital was real? [Looked like a staged exhibit for his kid] And his ex looked Not. Pleased.

Sharleen tell the girls she is leaving.  Andi says “Are you suuuureee?” in a way that makes it sound like she doesn’t want to ruin the moment and have her change her mind.  :)  Why is JP staying at the hotel?  As much as I hate to admit it, he sort of was a little amazing about her leaving.

Group date:
Dude.  Andi needs to stop with the crying.  She’s pouty and fishing for something and it is just annoying.

Did JP just say I wish I can meet your dad to Claire?  That seems a bit insensitive. Oh man.  She just brought up the video.  This goes back to my comments about her on night one.  If she even shows that….  Claire thinks she is getting this group date rose.  I can’t wait to see her face when she doesn’t (I’m praying for this).  Yesss, so good.  She’s hilarious and such a poor loser.

Wow, this Claire and Nikki thing is ridiculous.  Claire is a nutcase.

Going into the cocktail/rose ceremony all I can think is: Why is Chelsie still there?

Well, she ended up going home.  No real surprise there.  Next week should be interesting.