I am suffering from
‘Battered Viewer Syndrome’ (BVS) I know I am going to watch tonight’s episode,
I know I am going to watch tomorrow’s episode, I know I am going to watch this
series to the very end, but I hate myself. There was a message from E calling
JP the biggest douche ever…and this is before the show started!
We start with Nikki’s
hometown of Kansas City, Missouri (screw your school and
its whiny bastards that left the big 12). Nikki claims that she likes a little
cowboy so we cut to cows and bbq. She calls OK joe’s gas station BBQ (my friend
Chad from there would cry so hard right now – I should send it to him). JP has
to ride a mechanical bull and he looks like he is constipated.
Nikki wants her family’s
blessing to tell JP that she loves him. Her dad makes a toast about anyone who
sits at the table becomes a part of the family blah blah. Every family does
this on this show, which is the opposite of every family I know, makes me
wonder if A. this is fake (I know I know, let me pretend) B. the Producers
write the speeches or C. the kind of families that make these trite speeches
are the kinds that produce the girls that go on these shows (Probably a combo
of all 3).
These homes are all so
opulent I sometimes wonder if they are rented by the families for the shows
appearance. Nikki’s dad says something that makes sense – basically, if you do not
love her, do not propose. Nikki and her dad have their heart to heart and he
says “blended families are never easy”. I really hope that he means because
there is already a kid and not ‘blended’ like the colors/ethnicities…I choose
to think he means the presence of the daughter.
JP and Nikki make out on
the front door step like high school kids, I so want the dad to open the door
and yell “Juan Pablo has to go now, you will see him in school tomorrow”. Nikki
does not tell JP that she loves him.
Yellow M&M gets
another featured ad with JP; I choose to think that Red told his agent “No way
do I go on that show with that guy”.
We go to Andi’s hometown
of Atlanta GA.
Andi tries to get back at
JP for all the ‘crazy things’ he made her do – so she takes him to a gun range,
and JP looks girlishly excited. Andi appears to group all her shots center mass
(I do not trust this show). She also claims you cannot be a part of the south
if you don’t know how to hold a gun right – I went to school in the south
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not believe her narrow minded stereotype. That said, I
know how to shoot (but I never shot till Cali).
They go to Andi’s home
and her nickname is apparently Pookie (had no idea she was black). Andi’s dad
already has the mean mug face. Andi’s dad’s name is Hy. Hy proves that he can
do math and keeps checking how many girls were on the dates etc. He also brings
up good points like JP and Andi may just be infatuated with each other, not
actually in love.
Andi’s mom wants to see
JP dance, but he wisely says “Let’s call Andi” I think the mom wanted to dance
with JP and he was smart enough to know that dancing with the mom solo was
risky (hmm do I need to give him intelligence credit?). Hy wants to know why JP
went on the show, his answer does not include the words “for money and fame” so
I find it suspect. JP asks Hy if he would accept he and his daughter into the
family. Hy answers diplomatically that at the time JP cannot have any other
girls on the radar. Alli expects her sister (another cutie) to immediately tell
her that JP is the one for her and cries when the sister (like a normal human
being) cannot do that. There is another front step make out (hope his daughter
is not watching). Like Nikki, Andi does not tell JP that she loves him.
We go to Sarasota,
Florida for Renee’s hometown, now that I realize she
is a real estate agent, I YELL COUGAR TOWN (only a few will get that). Renee
says that she cannot wait to “literally eat my son” someone should call child
protective services or teach Renee the meaning of literally. Apparently Renee’s
union with her son is also the moment that she is introducing him to JP way to
not shock your kid and teach him unrealistic moments. “Ben meet your new possible daddy”. This kid is a lot more
outgoing than I was at his age, if my mom (thankfully parents still together)
had ever shown up with a camera crew and some strange dude I would have curled
up into the fetal position.
Another Bachelor ad
tie-in this time for ‘Need For Speed’ weird, but Chris Harrison is one of the
few guys who is better looking outside of a suit, or maybe it just is because I
tend to glaze over once he comes on at the rose ceremony. [Need for Speed looks
terrible by the way]
Time to meet the family,
Renee claims that she trusts her parents’ decisions because they have never
steered her wrong and if they tell her that they do not like JP…she would have
to take a step back and reevaluate…guess she does not trust them 100%.
Renee tucks Ben into bed
with cameras in the room, poor kid looks petrified. Renee admits to her mom
that she has not told JP that she loves him, the mom is shocked. Renee’s dad
seems to like JP, a lot. Another front door make out session, and another girl
who does not tell him that she loves him…another girl who regrets not saying
it…allegedly.
We go to Sacramento
California for Clare’s hometown and it starts with a
nature shot of birds, and bees…Clare and JP meet in a rose garden I want to
make so many lost flower jokes. We bring up Clare’s dead father again…feels so
strange on a date. She tells a story about her dad and it is a very sweet
story, but the cynic in me does not believe it - this leads to a make out
session.
We meet the family, just
as my iphone update kicks in so I miss my snark counterpart E for a bit, not
sure I can make it through without her. Clare is one of 6 daughters, but jeez
none of them seem to look alike, not exactly true but Clare seems different from them all. Clare’s sis
asks if Clare would accept JP’s proposal, it leads to tears and Clare saying
she would do it in a heartbeat (Clare’s sis obviously has seen a few episodes
of the Bachelor).
Clare, her mom and a
sister sit down for a talk, the sis drives the convo and says that the family
would not give their blessing – the mom says nothing. The sis acts tough even
at one point stands over Clare, then moves to the shadows like Bane in the last
Batman movie. I think we hear (I use hear loosely because I could not
understand a word) the mom say one sentence the whole conversation. Clare’s
sister holds a small white dog in her lap and gives an evil laugh…I kid you
not.
The mom and JP go for a
heart to heart and the Bane sis shows up (this family has a tonne of
throws/shawls in their backyard). Again Bane drives the convo. Then Bane leaves
and we finally find out that the mom does speak and impressively she speaks
English and Spanish. Apparently the mom just uses Bane to talk because she is a
mastermind, when she actually speaks she can carry on a very good conversation.
Another make out
session, JP leaves with gifts maybe we were told how he received them and I
zoned out? She does not tell him she loves him, while like all the others in
the confessional she says how much she loves him.
We go to a rose ceremony
that I did not expect, figured they would stretch it into tomorrow’s episode.
Of course Clare and Nikki are brought out first to stand side by side and give
each other cutting looks. They are at the Loews hotel so I suspect this is
Miami, but the girls seem to be shivering in the windy night.
Nikki gets the first
rose, and Clare murder-stares her, then Clare gets the 2nd rose and
Nikki returns the stare. The final rose goes to Andi and I am not shocked, I
suspected that JP wanted to chill with Renee not marry her – oh who am I
kidding, he just wanted the 3 hottest left. Renee is pretty, but she is not the
prettiest left and I think the pool JP is swimming in is very shallow.
Sooo Renee, you
introduced your kid to the guy who then dumps you on live TV…good luck
explaining that to him…and hopefully his classmates are not as cruel as my
friends would have been in prep school. Again the girl leaving has to comfort JP;
it is a weak move sir.
Tonight’s blooper reel
has seagulls stealing all the food from the picnic that Renee and JP had laid
out on the beach and one of the seagulls drops a sandwich on Renee’s head.
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