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Thursday, February 27, 2014

Bachelor recap first part of a 2 part descent into Brain mush

I am suffering from ‘Battered Viewer Syndrome’ (BVS) I know I am going to watch tonight’s episode, I know I am going to watch tomorrow’s episode, I know I am going to watch this series to the very end, but I hate myself. There was a message from E calling JP the biggest douche ever…and this is before the show started!


We start with Nikki’s hometown of Kansas City, Missouri (screw your school and its whiny bastards that left the big 12). Nikki claims that she likes a little cowboy so we cut to cows and bbq. She calls OK joe’s gas station BBQ (my friend Chad from there would cry so hard right now – I should send it to him). JP has to ride a mechanical bull and he looks like he is constipated.


Nikki wants her family’s blessing to tell JP that she loves him. Her dad makes a toast about anyone who sits at the table becomes a part of the family blah blah. Every family does this on this show, which is the opposite of every family I know, makes me wonder if A. this is fake (I know I know, let me pretend) B. the Producers write the speeches or C. the kind of families that make these trite speeches are the kinds that produce the girls that go on these shows (Probably a combo of all 3).


These homes are all so opulent I sometimes wonder if they are rented by the families for the shows appearance. Nikki’s dad says something that makes sense – basically, if you do not love her, do not propose. Nikki and her dad have their heart to heart and he says “blended families are never easy”. I really hope that he means because there is already a kid and not ‘blended’ like the colors/ethnicities…I choose to think he means the presence of the daughter.


JP and Nikki make out on the front door step like high school kids, I so want the dad to open the door and yell “Juan Pablo has to go now, you will see him in school tomorrow”. Nikki does not tell JP that she loves him.


Yellow M&M gets another featured ad with JP; I choose to think that Red told his agent “No way do I go on that show with that guy”.


We go to Andi’s hometown of Atlanta GA.

Andi tries to get back at JP for all the ‘crazy things’ he made her do – so she takes him to a gun range, and JP looks girlishly excited. Andi appears to group all her shots center mass (I do not trust this show). She also claims you cannot be a part of the south if you don’t know how to hold a gun right – I went to school in the south PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not believe her narrow minded stereotype. That said, I know how to shoot (but I never shot till Cali).


They go to Andi’s home and her nickname is apparently Pookie (had no idea she was black). Andi’s dad already has the mean mug face. Andi’s dad’s name is Hy. Hy proves that he can do math and keeps checking how many girls were on the dates etc. He also brings up good points like JP and Andi may just be infatuated with each other, not actually in love.

Andi’s mom wants to see JP dance, but he wisely says “Let’s call Andi” I think the mom wanted to dance with JP and he was smart enough to know that dancing with the mom solo was risky (hmm do I need to give him intelligence credit?). Hy wants to know why JP went on the show, his answer does not include the words “for money and fame” so I find it suspect. JP asks Hy if he would accept he and his daughter into the family. Hy answers diplomatically that at the time JP cannot have any other girls on the radar. Alli expects her sister (another cutie) to immediately tell her that JP is the one for her and cries when the sister (like a normal human being) cannot do that. There is another front step make out (hope his daughter is not watching). Like Nikki, Andi does not tell JP that she loves him.


We go to Sarasota, Florida for Renee’s hometown, now that I realize she is a real estate agent, I YELL COUGAR TOWN (only a few will get that). Renee says that she cannot wait to “literally eat my son” someone should call child protective services or teach Renee the meaning of literally. Apparently Renee’s union with her son is also the moment that she is introducing him to JP way to not shock your kid and teach him unrealistic moments. “Ben meet your new possible daddy”. This kid is a lot more outgoing than I was at his age, if my mom (thankfully parents still together) had ever shown up with a camera crew and some strange dude I would have curled up into the fetal position.


Another Bachelor ad tie-in this time for ‘Need For Speed’ weird, but Chris Harrison is one of the few guys who is better looking outside of a suit, or maybe it just is because I tend to glaze over once he comes on at the rose ceremony. [Need for Speed looks terrible by the way]


Time to meet the family, Renee claims that she trusts her parents’ decisions because they have never steered her wrong and if they tell her that they do not like JP…she would have to take a step back and reevaluate…guess she does not trust them 100%.


Renee tucks Ben into bed with cameras in the room, poor kid looks petrified. Renee admits to her mom that she has not told JP that she loves him, the mom is shocked. Renee’s dad seems to like JP, a lot. Another front door make out session, and another girl who does not tell him that she loves him…another girl who regrets not saying it…allegedly.


We go to Sacramento California for Clare’s hometown and it starts with a nature shot of birds, and bees…Clare and JP meet in a rose garden I want to make so many lost flower jokes. We bring up Clare’s dead father again…feels so strange on a date. She tells a story about her dad and it is a very sweet story, but the cynic in me does not believe it - this leads to a make out session.


We meet the family, just as my iphone update kicks in so I miss my snark counterpart E for a bit, not sure I can make it through without her. Clare is one of 6 daughters, but jeez none of them seem to look alike, not exactly true but Clare seems different from them all. Clare’s sis asks if Clare would accept JP’s proposal, it leads to tears and Clare saying she would do it in a heartbeat (Clare’s sis obviously has seen a few episodes of the Bachelor).


Clare, her mom and a sister sit down for a talk, the sis drives the convo and says that the family would not give their blessing – the mom says nothing. The sis acts tough even at one point stands over Clare, then moves to the shadows like Bane in the last Batman movie. I think we hear (I use hear loosely because I could not understand a word) the mom say one sentence the whole conversation. Clare’s sister holds a small white dog in her lap and gives an evil laugh…I kid you not.


The mom and JP go for a heart to heart and the Bane sis shows up (this family has a tonne of throws/shawls in their backyard). Again Bane drives the convo. Then Bane leaves and we finally find out that the mom does speak and impressively she speaks English and Spanish. Apparently the mom just uses Bane to talk because she is a mastermind, when she actually speaks she can carry on a very good conversation.

Another make out session, JP leaves with gifts maybe we were told how he received them and I zoned out? She does not tell him she loves him, while like all the others in the confessional she says how much she loves him.


We go to a rose ceremony that I did not expect, figured they would stretch it into tomorrow’s episode. Of course Clare and Nikki are brought out first to stand side by side and give each other cutting looks. They are at the Loews hotel so I suspect this is Miami, but the girls seem to be shivering in the windy night.


Nikki gets the first rose, and Clare murder-stares her, then Clare gets the 2nd rose and Nikki returns the stare. The final rose goes to Andi and I am not shocked, I suspected that JP wanted to chill with Renee not marry her – oh who am I kidding, he just wanted the 3 hottest left. Renee is pretty, but she is not the prettiest left and I think the pool JP is swimming in is very shallow.


Sooo Renee, you introduced your kid to the guy who then dumps you on live TV…good luck explaining that to him…and hopefully his classmates are not as cruel as my friends would have been in prep school. Again the girl leaving has to comfort JP; it is a weak move sir.


Tonight’s blooper reel has seagulls stealing all the food from the picnic that Renee and JP had laid out on the beach and one of the seagulls drops a sandwich on Renee’s head.


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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.