Bachelor in Paradise...oh girl, he played you!

We come back to Clare crying and pulling OMCH (Chris Harrison) away from the rose ceremony. Clare is gone so long that the Bach/ettes are sitting down rather than standing up waiting. Clare finally comes back and gives her rose to JJ.

Juelia gives the last rose to Joe...cause of course she does. Michael gets the boot (I should not cheer against a fellow lawyer) big Mikey gets the boot and I suspect he is going to rage kill his hotel pillow. Juelia tells us that the guys that warned her about Joe were just basically lying...Joe (dick that he is) told us last week that she is not very smart - we get to see why he holds that opinion.

Samantha the girl that Joe really wants to meet is next on the Paradise track...and she of course arrives with a date card - but we also learn that she and Juelia are apparently friends. Sam picks Joe for her date and that causes consternation for everyone but Joe who lights up. Joe must be a lot better looking in person than he is on TV, because I just don't get it. Joe lies to the guys as to whether he spoke to Juelia prior to the show. Juelia is still having a hard time realizing she got played. SHe talks about Joe's not showing her attention...

Sam and Joe's date is a photo shoot for People magazine - Sam reveals that Joe got 'excited'. They come back from their date all smiles and lovey dovey and Juelia is getting angrier and sadder as she hears it all. A few of the guys tell Joe to talk to Juelia and he finally caves and does it - it does not go well.

There is a parody scene of Clare talking to a raccoon via cell phone.

Carly lets us know that she and Kirk have not been having sex, so of course she gets the next date card. Kirk lets us know that he wanted to take his time, but that he has failed at his plan. We get a lot of featuring of Jorge the bartender, probably the most important person on this type of show.

Ashley S tells us that marriage is on the table for her and Dan - she might want to check with him on that first.
Megan shows up well she doesn't really because she claims that she is lost in Mexico - "old Mexico" like the show would leave the white girl alone in Mexico...

Carly lets us know that her brother is getting married on the same day that she is doing her date...Did Carly really pick this show over attending her Bro's wedding? Wow. Carly is 'pressuring' Kirk to say he is in a relationship with her, Kirk is trying everything to let her know he wants to date other people.

Ashley S and Dan are having a similar conversation. Ashley tells us she can do without him by using the "Bye Felicia" that is so over used now.

Carly calls her brother and apparently letting him into her life like that sways Kirk to stay with her. Carly and Dan let us know they are getting it in tonight...

Megan shows up finally and cannot pronounce the word sombrero. Megan apparently is seeing her first crab ever (snicker) then watches that crab get eaten by a bigger crab - ah nature. She asks JJ to go on her date, Dan looks saddened.

Onlookers are suspicious about Joe and Samantha...took them long enough. While we see Juelia talking to her daughter and crying we see Joe and Samantha fooling around in the pool/hot tub, Joe looks like he might have done a 'release'. They are going to have to bleach down that whole property when this season ends. Turns out that Joe and Samantha did communicate repeatedly prior to coming on the show.

Dan decides to confront Joe about his actions and bring him to talk to Juelia (Joe in confessional calls him old...the stupidity of a guy who looks 40 years older than someone calling them old) Joe tries to bully Dan...Juelia gets her talk with Joe and Joe gives Zero Effs. Juelia quickly realizes  that she cannot get a word in edgewise with Joe and it starts to dawn on her that Joe has completely played her.

Juelia hits Joe with the only thing that can cause Joe to panic, telling him that she might tell Sam that Joe played her and this causes Joe to stutter. Sam and Juelia go off to talk, and Joe in the confessional pretends to not remember Juelia's name.

Bachelor in Paradise recap or...Is Joe really that smart?

So it has taken me almost a week to get to this latest episode. We return to the end of the rose ceremony. Tenley survived thanks to JJ but is already looking forward to who is coming on next.

There is a discussion about whether crabs can fly...

Lauren and Ashley I spend a lot of time arguing, with Lauren crying and lamenting the fact that she left her status as a Mistress back home.

Joshua shows up (he is the one that Lauren has been hoping will arrive) Josh has the date card and before he can announce it Ashley I takes him aside to talk up her sister. Thanks to Lauren's awkward conversations with Josh we learn that the cast has to do blood tests before coming on the show...not shocking.

JJ talks a tonne of trash about Josh but then lo and behold Josh asks Tenley to go on a date with him.
This causes Lauren to pack up to go home, she also asks why the Universe is so mean to her - do not forget she is with some guy who is cheating on his girl with her...The show makes her drag her suitcase across the sand to leave and she breaks the fourth wall by saying "this looks pathetic." The only one lamenting Lauren's departure is Ashley I.

Joe arrives and Clare is immediately smitten 'on paper', but then Joe just sits on the couch like a lump. Apparently the guys built Joe up as very funny but the conversation just becomes very awkward, especially when Joe disses Clare. Clare goes off to the side and I am sure she is talking to a producer who is off camera but the show makes it seem like she has found her raccoon friend from last season.

Joe asks Juelia to go on his date, but does it in such an awkward fashion the group is not sure he did.

Tenley returns from her date with Josh and JJ immediately steals her away and apparently kisses her a lot then goes to bed feeling satisfied and telling us that he is more successful than Josh with women...as he passes out we cut to Tenley and Josh making out in a bedroom.

Juelia is telling us that she is missing her daughter, I hate these moments because I am always conflicted about having parents of young kids on these shows, I am concerned that they really should be home with the kids.

Tenley seems to be beaming after her date with Josh. But then Josh starts to dry snitch on himself and clubs in LA and the availability of Molly in coconuts at the club. Josh is weirding the girls out by his stories of heavy drug use and does not seem to know where the end point on a 'fun' story is. 'Stop Snitchin'' could never be a campaign on this show, since some of the guys immediately go and tell Tenley about Josh's stories. weird

Joe and Juelia appear to have a great time on their date, I was talking to a client while they were making out in the water so the TV was muted, but I am not going to bother to go back to hear their conversation.

Tenley confronts Josh about the rumors of his partying, he tells her the molly usage was a one time thing...his answers are so bad that Tenley seeks out JJ for a 'mind break.' Mikey finally gets a warning that Clare is just not that into him...and he ignores it aggressively.

We and many of the Cast catch Ashely I peeing in the ocean/beach but she didn't do it because she was out swimming but rather because she didn't want to walk to the bathroom so she just squatted near the edge of the water.

Jonathan starts talking to Juelia to catchup/plead his case/snitch. While Juelia is telling us that Joe is sweet and such a good person we see him telling the producer that she is not very smart.

While Juelia is talking up the date and the kissing, Joe says the kiss was bad and that he only kissed her to get the rose. The producer tries to get Joe to tell all of this to Juelia in response to that he audibly farts.

Jared gets the date card and of course its for Jared since Ashely I wants him but he has been spending time with Clare who Ashley has declared the person with almost dead eggs...ouch. Ashley I tells us that she put nude lipstick on so that Jared would not be intimidated to kiss her red lips...but Jared chooses Clare who agrees to go on the date. Mikey and Ashley both are flabbergasted. Ashley I begins bawling and threatening to leave. Jared goes to talk to Mikey and Mikey asks him if he wants to date a girl "eight years older than you?" The fascination with Clare's age on this show is amazing to me. Mikey tells us that if "this were real life" he would have beat Jared up. Mikey claims that Clare was not honest with him, "or that I did not read it right" it is the latter my friend, your reading comprehension sucks.

Mikey and Clare get into an argument over Clare accepting the date from Jared. Juelia says something absolutely crazy "The date might not happen tomorrow...and Clare might be leaving" oh Juelia there is no way Clare would leave this show without more drama. The show ends with a lot of crying...

The Monday follow up show:
Just before the show starts there is a message from ABC remembering Frank Gifford - Before I even knew what American football was I knew who Frank Gifford was...weird the things we learn as kids.

We come back to the show and Mikey T is still sore, and Ashley is still crying. Clare tells us that Jared looks like Superman, Clare might need to get an HD TV. They go bungee jumping and Clare turns it into a sexual experience with the moans and explanations about body quivering.

Clare comes back and tells the others about her date, this causes Ashley I to break down. Michael shows up and he is looking for Tenley. Michael is going to take Tenley on his date and he can barely get the invite out before Tenley says yes.

Mikey desperate for a rose pulls Juelia aside, then aggressively tries to get a kiss...it fails badly.
Michael drops some cheesy lines with Tenley and yet it works, he gets a kiss.

Clare continues to throw herself at Jared but then Jared brings up the 8 year age gap.
Juelia announces at the start of the cocktail party that she is giving her rose to Joe...this causes consternation with the others. Mikey and Jonathan both tell Juelia that Joe is only with her to get the rose, she tells Joe and he fools her with a kiss. Joe starts acting like a tough guy when neither Mikey T or Jonathan are around so Mikey T comes up to confront him. Joe deflects the anger of Mikey and turns it back on him, he then does the same to Jonathan, even getting Jonathan to apologize to him. Again note this guy Joe is sticking around solely to meet Samantha. Joe then makes Jonathan go and apologize to Juelia and even cry...we need to get Joe to work for us at the UN, we would own the rest of the world (till they watched the video). Jonathan actually goes to a room and starts bawling, he has to be comforted by Joe - that is not going to be a good look when you go back home homie.

Jared easily wins Ashley I back by kissing her. Clare has a break down and rants about finding love. Jade calls her out as offensive. Clare stops the rose ceremony to take OMCH aside so that she can cry.

Bachelor in Paradise and Crabs

Oh it is the best day of August...Bachelor in Paradise premiers tonight (yes I set the bar low for good days).
Sayulita, Vallart-Nayarit, Mexico is the spot on the globe that we are going to ruin this season and we start with Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) walking on a beach and telling us about the 2 idiots that are going to get married on the show after meeting on this show's last season.

Ashley I gets featured first with her younger sister Lauren I, described as the 'slut version of me'. Jared and his struggle beard is up next, is there such a thing as beard cancer? I am somewhat seriously concerned that this dude does not have a bathroom mirror. Tanner plays a female version of himself mocking the fact that no one really knew who he was after his time on Kaitlyn's season. Jillian she of the editing black box over her butt makes jokes about the black box and then tells us and shows us that she is getting her boobs done, no chance she goes subtle with the increase.

They all start to arrive to Sayulita and Ashley I lets us know that she has brought her sister Lauren with her. Tenley does not think it is fair that Ashley gets to bring her sister...the guys do not care. Jonathan lets us know that he has had 2 sisters at the same time, he starts to go into detail "you would think it would be a little bit dirty, but I kind of liked it"...a producer tells him that Ashely is a virgin he continues "A virgin? I've had a couple of those, a lot of work, a lot of fun but it will definitely be worth it." Jonathan is trying really hard to let us know that he is scuzzy. Mike walks off with Lauren and the show begins playing a porno soundtrack (or as my CC says "Sexy music playing"), when the age difference is brought up the music stops till Lauren lets us know it wont matter and the music kicks back in...I love this show and how much fun the producers have with it.

Ashley and Lauren are grading guys as they walk in, Jillian walks in but unlike anyone else she comes in, in a bikini a fluorescent bikini. JJ walks in and peeps are not happy to see him. Ashley S shows up and she appears to be as crazy as ever.

So we come back from commercial and because I (sadly) listen to a podcast on this show I know before the cast knows that we are about to have a ratchet mess of a wedding. It's the wedding for Marcus and Lacy and OMCH is the officiant. The wedding is not terrible if you ignore that it is a TERRIBLE IDEA...Lacy's dress though...them puppies!

Jade is the belle of the Ball the first night with guys crowding around her Lauren is off to the side bawling as Mikey tries to comfort her. She requests her sister to come and meet up with her...Ashley is worried that Lauren is not built for this show. They begin to trash the others behind their back calling 32 year olds...OLD - damn girl!

Ashley is falling for Jared so she shows it to him by sitting silently beside him. Carly and Kirk are coupling up she wants him to kiss her but he wont make the move so finally she just goes for it - and calls it one of the best kisses she has ever had.

Ashley I in an attempt to talk to Jared brings up her Disney princess fascination from her season...because that is what every grown man wants! He goes off with Jade for a walk on the beach.
Because the producers know how to keep the show spicy Ashley I of course gets the first date card and wants to ask Jared. Her sister has to boost her spirits up to get her to talk to Jared to invite him on the date - these 2 together seem to suck intelligence from each other.

On the date we find out that Ashley I believes in horoscopes...and that she runs into the water weirdly. Cut to Ashley S going nuts with birds. Ashley I is concerned that Jared may not be over Kaitlyn yet.

See above re producers, Jade gets the next date card - She is debating between Jared and Tanner, 2 guys who my friends do not think are as good looking as the girls on the show seem to think he is. I think the same about Jade, the guys on the show are straining their necks to get to her while to me she just seems like one of the many pretty faces on the show. Jade takes Tanner on her date - its basic, so we cut back to Ashley S being taken to the hospital in an ambulance...that's crazy (could not help myself).

Tanner tells us he is feeling more connection with Jade in one night than his whole season with Kaitlyn. Carly foreshadows her demise by saying things are going great and the only thing that could spoil it for her is if someone comes down the stairs and its someone that Kirk wants...we then see the girl we have all been waiting for...Clare - and she immediately gets a date card while telling us that the guys she is interested in are Tanner, Jared and Kirk...Uh OH!

The second night of this travesty begins and the last bit of my soul cries in fear.

The shows opening credits is done in the style of a soap opera, I would crack up if they do a new one each week. Clare says what I have told E and Ashley, Jared must be really good looking in person...the girls fawn over him so much. Well Mikey and JJ are going to love seeing this show when they see Clare giving it a thumbs down for them being the only two guys available to her. We have the usual scene of Clare apparently talking to an animal, this time its a crab on the bed across from her - I do not think she was actually talking to a crab, because I think she would have freaked out seeing a crab in her bed...at least not one that large...I make no assumptions as to whether she has already seen crabs in her bed!

Mikey and Clare have a very awkward moment where he basically begs her for the date...it works (here) but not a good look. Clare is hoping they will be going on an adventure like sailing or zip lining - instead its partner yoga and Clare is trying to avoid touching 'priv-ies' with Mikey her words! Mikey makes a tonne of juvenile references with goofy laughter because of course he does. Clare strongly hints to Mikey that she is not interested in him and he immediately asks her for a kiss, well at least his body is strong.

Ashley S and Dan go on a date that does not involve the hospital, she is googly eyed, but when is she not? Tenley goes for a walk with Jared which causes Ashley I to freak out that she is losing her man to an old lady, let me point out Tenley is only THIRTY ONE years old. Ashley I is telling Jared that she has claimed him, Jared tells her he wants to play the field (maybe he is smarter than I think ). Lauren and Ashley I try to comfort each other, if these 2 tried to talk someone off a ledge there would be a suicide.

Cocktail Party time:
Jillian tells us that JJ told her the night before that she was safe and then kissed her so she feels confident, she would feel less so if she saw Tenley sitting in his lap giving him permission to kiss her, which he of course accepts.

Jared tells Clare that he is giving her a rose while Ashley is off in the background crying that Jared is talking to another girl.
It's rose ceremony time and Mikey gives Clare the rose which gives us more time for Clare to tell us how much she does not like Mikey. Jared saves Ashley I and Lauren which leads us to the JJ drama moment. JJ is given the opportunity to say something before handing out his rose but wisely refuses it and sends Jillian home, Cynic Cali J moment - the producers told him they could not afford to keep using the black box technology so he had to send her home. 

Bachelorette finale, after the final rose and I quit checking my posts for grammar because this show has killed my will

Met some friends, had a good time out dancing, watched a crazy girl hit the dance floor in a wrap shirt and a bright purple sports bra, watched the shirt come undone and watched the girl dance only in the sports bra for a few moments...why yes this is a Monday night in San Diego...now on to watch the finale of this ratchet mess I have been following all season.

We start with a studio audience and I issue a mild sigh of relief, this means there will be some filler that I can zip through - every minute saved is precious the fact that DVRs exist is just further proof there is a God (how can anyone question this?).

Kaitlyn's (K) family asks her if she is in love and she says she is in love with both guys. Her family expresses shock that Nick is still there. K's family immediately guessed that things "went too far" with Nick...how close is this family? K's mom Leslie has some thoughts on the Nick situation.

Nick gets to meet the family first: like on Andy's season, he brings gifts.
The family asks him why he is doing this show again, he repeats the line he has rehearsed many a time - that he could not bear K getting married without his getting a chance to meet her. Nick decided to rock the deep V shirt for this meeting, even as an owner of a couple deep Vs I find it inapprops for meeting the fam (every word in that sentence picked on purpose).

K's mom grills Nick, Leslie seems like the type of mom I could kick it with...damn I am now old enough that I think about kicking it with moms. Leslie hearkens back to Andy's season and says that she finds him possessive, Nick says some cocky stuff then seems to squeeze out some fake tears. Nick then seeks the blessing of K's dad Mike, who looks like he may have hit the pipe before this taping...I have never smoked but I could see why someone might want to mellow out before meeting 2 dudes that more likely than not slept with your daughter on a national television show.

I like K's sister Haley, she just seems so happy to be there and why not? I would love someone fly me out to a chill spot to have me meet randoms who want to bang my bro...his girl might hate that though.

Sean gets to meet the family: While K is out meeting him, Leslie says that she is worried that he might be a jealous person...has she seen the dailies? Sean also brings gifts. Sean is shockingly smooth around the family, methinks the man rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearsed. Leslie asks Sean about his thoughts on Nick and the fact that Nick and K got together. Sean handles the Nick question so well that someone somewhere must have told him 'the rage monster act does not make you look good'. He gives the sensible answer - that they were not exclusive then, but off the show they should be. BUT can we talk about the mild weirdness of someone's mom bringing up to her potential son in law the fact that his potential fiance tapped someone else? Haley says she is Team Sean, K snitches on her and brings up the fact that all year Haley was Team Nick. I can't resist thinking that K tapped Nick just to shut her sister up...siblings can be cold like that.

Sean brings Leslie over while he is talking to chill Mike so that he can ask for both of their blessings. I like this non patriarchal move, it is sexist to only ask the father for his blessing - Sean gets it from both.

The Bachelorette's budget is not even close to the Bachelor's: Nick and K are hanging out at Marina del Rey...you know who else used to hang out all the time at Marina del Rey...my broke ass when I lived in LA - Where is the exotic locale trip?

The day/date is rather bland, Nick tells K that he has a gift for her in his bedroom...its just a framed poem and picture because of course that had to be kept in his bedroom and no where else. The picture is from their first one on one date together, which means he had to have gotten it from the show's producers.

Sean's turn and they go to Saddle Rock in Malibu you know who else used to go to okay you get it I LIVED IN LA. Sean and K spend a lot of time talking about how nervous they both are. Sean also has a memento from their time on the show for K. This is so clearly scripted by this point. K expresses fear that she is going to break someone's heart since both guys are in love with her, before I can reach for my remote we see the shocked faces in the audience then zip racing past it all to seeing Neil Lane and his forehead that does not move bringing Sean ring choices.

Nick worries that the knock on his door will be K sending him home and not Neil Lane with rings...he hugs Neil and Neil points out that Nick is still wearing the cheesy ring that he and K picked out on one of their dates.

K shows up and we await the sacrificial lamb - K is struggling to keep it together. Nick arrives first and he looks nervous, I wonder if its because he is playing out the time in his head and can begin to realize that he might be taping too early to be the one! Nick starts to ramble on and recapping the show and telling K how in love he is with her and telling her that he is not ready to let her go or to let them go and he starts to reach for the ring and K stops him (He knew it, he knew it, he could tell based on the timing, I am sure of it...all the words were a desperate attempt to sway her). Again K has to bring up off camera time, it is said so often on this show (they really try so hard not to say sex on this show) that it is not natural. Nick's true nature starts to come out, less of the polished guy and more of the guy who is rough with women once he is not the object of their desire.

K walks Nick out and he can barely look at her (that part I understand, I can barely face the people who break up with me in private, no way could I do it on a nationally televised show). Nick plays with the ring and I wonder if he gets to keep it - I doubt that very much, he puts it back in its box and throws it across the limo (notice he did that carefully) then takes off the promise ring and chucks that too, much less carefully.

Sean is not a good enough actor to act like he does not already realize the situation he looks more confident now than he has on any other time on the show. Sean says he would not change anything that happened on the show - really not even the part of her tapping your enemy? K of course has to stretch it out a bit and pretend that she is not picking Sean.
Sean gives a better proposal than I would expect and gets a quick yes from K.

The after the final rose special is on next but I have to break this up...will watch after a break.

Break over -
After the final rose:
The happy couple joins Obvious Man Chris Harrison on stage; doing the let's hug and giggle a lot new couple thing. OMCH tells us that he thinks it is important that Nick gets some closure so here he comes to the stage, nothing like real life here. Nick comes out to applause, but it is not roaring, I wonder if the audience is unsure whether to hate him or feel sympathy. Nick gives us background about his interaction with K and while I think he thinks he is coming off as a sympathetic figure, to me he just seems like he was scheming from the get go. Nick's family continues to look hyper-concerned.

Nick and Sean have to share an uncomfortably close interaction with each other, Nick even taps Sean on the knee, they are similarly dressed and are sporting similar beards...as a current 'person of the beard' I am now just this minute considering shaving! These guys are even sitting in a mirror image style of each other. Nick and Sean both claim that the show played up their tension more than was actually occurring...shocking.

Nick and K meet and immediately an amber alert blazes across my screen...I think my cable is trying to save me from myself. My CC says that Nick said  "We said I love you to each other toward the end and obviously I took that to heart - what were you thinking when you said that?" that caused K to roll her eyes to such a degree that E texted me about it even while I was out.

Every time they go to a commercial break Nick does an awkward stand up and look around routine, it is not a big thing, but it bugs me.

Sean says the best part of the show being over is that he can now stand up for his girl.

THE BEST PART OF THIS SHOW BEING OVER IS THAT WE CAN GET TO BACHELOR IN PARADISE!!!