Bachelor recap or where a pilot takes the show in for a crash landing.

Whew it looked for a second like my DVR had not recorded this show, I cannot sit through watching it on the ABC app because I cannot sit through commercials and not being able to zip forward past the "coming up next" portions.

 

We start with Peter in bed in Peru telling us he is going on hometown dates…you know we could have just gone to the hometowns right?

 

Knoxville, TN with Hannah Ann:

It is raining and that seems right because Peter with Hannah Ann (HA) looks like Chris from "To Catch a Predator" should show up, I almost expect to see Peter with a 6 pack of Zima.

HA tells Peter that she needs to make a man out of him so he can "prove to my dad that this California man is tough" just as I am about to be ticked at the stupid belief that Cali men cannot be tough, Peter struggles to throw an ax. It takes him forever but Peter finally throws a bullseye and a bunch of people (who apparently do not have jobs?) start cheering.

 

Since HA wrote him a letter Peter writes her a letter, and in it points out something that does not diminish my childlike view of HA – she named every dress she has ever worn?

 

Meeting the parents:

HA's mom starts crying the minute she sees her daughter as if she had gone away to war. I do not get these super emotional reunions when the kid has only been away for mere weeks.

HA's dad is mean mugging Peter from the jump off.

HA's sister pulls her aside and asks "do you love him?...has he said he loves you?" "Well not technically,...but he wrote me a letter" HA pulls out the letter and her sister starts bawling, good lord Kelsey is going to watch this and think she has competition.

HA's mom grills Peter but then basically says it is all up to the dad – way to own your agency lady.

HA's dad gets the same response as the mom Peter wants to tell Hannah that he is "starting to fall in love with her." "I ask you as a father that you do not say that to her unless you wholeheartedly mean that." So of course Peter immediately tells HA that her dad warned him, he is remarkably consistent in his jello nature.

I suspect Peter posts to the Nextdoor app.

Peter says he can "100% see myself getting down on one knee for her" cynic in me thinks that is just for oral.

 

 

Des Moines, IA and Kelsey:

The generic hug, lift and kiss for the reunion.

Kelsey takes Peter to stomp grapes. As they stomp Peter and Kelsey continue Peter's streak of terrible dancing, and lifting up to the waist to makeout…coronavirus is rampant damn it.

I cannot lie I clown both of these peeps all the time, but this looks like a bloody fun date.

Kelsey tells Peter that she is in love with him, he makes out with her then says "That makes me really happy, really happy." "I can definitely see a future with us, so thank you." Contrast Peter's reaction to Kelsey's love declaration with HA's I think Kelsey is in trouble here.

 

Let's meet the Parents:

Kelsey's family screams as she walks in. The house and family look like a Hallmark movie (you can blame my mom for that reference).

Peter freaks out "so this is crab rangoon" because her family wanted to share some of Kelsey's favourite foods and Peter has never had it.

Kelsey tells her sisters that she is ready to marry Peter.

Kelsey's mom tells Peter that she is a great reader of people, I have often found that people who say that are actually really bad at reading people, they just think they are right with their impressions.

The mom tells Peter "do not break my baby's heart."

I'm assuming this is a step dad talking to Kelsey asking about her largest concern – heartbreak -  yup here comes a chyron, it is Mike the stepdad.

Kelsey and her mom have a heart to heart and Kelsey points out the obvious "I cry a lot" and they both cry together.

 

Auburn, AL and Madison:

 

"This place means literally the wole world to me." Madison gushes more about Auburn when Peter pulls up telling him that "this place shaped me." Madison tells Peter how to say "War Eagle" and the proud LONGHORN in me laughs at their silliness.

They get to go on the basketball court, and Peter and Madison's names are on the big screen and they get a greeting from Charles Barkley via video then a meeting with Bruce Pearl, this feels like a recruiting video for Auburn. Bruce Pearl and Madison put Peter through some basketball drills, he is not good.

 

I mock Peter, but damn that would be cool to get to play on a college court and meet a coach (shh don’t tell the Horns but when I worked at the arena I went on the court ALL THE BLOODY TIME, the first time I was able to jump and touch a hoop was on the Texas court…I probably should have been fired a dozen times over…I miss that job).

Peter tells us that he remains confident that even though Madison has not said she loves him she is feeling it - They defile the court by lying down and making out at center court.

 

Meet the Parents:

Madison's sisters run to hug her as she walks in. Mr and Mrs. Prewet are huggers.

The Prewet family has a tradition where the person who has the 'special plate' has everyone tell them something they like about them, and coincidentally tonight Madison has it…"genuine and real"

My family has a tradition too, we eat.

Peter seems unsure what to do when the family joins hands to pray.

The family toasts with sweet tea.

 

Tonya (Madison's mom) takes Madison aside to talk and they go sit on a bed and it instantly bugs me that Madison gets on the bed with her shoes on as in, SHE IS ON THE DAMN BED with sneakers.

Madison and her mom talk about Madison's pledge to save herself for marriage.

Peter tells Madison's dad that he has told Madison that he is falling for her, the dad asks "how can you tell me that, that is genuine?" Another dad tells Peter he doe not want him breaking his daughter's heart. Chad (dad) does not seem to like Peter that much. Chad reminds Madison that when she was a baby "I laid hands on you and prayed for your future husband" guess it is a good thing she is not gay?

 

So much time is still left in this episode so I am expecting 'racist' Victoria's (RV's) hometown date to be epic.

Madison does not have the 'talk' with Peter.

 

Virginia Beach, VA. RV's hometown:

I am surprised RV has a BLACK dog. Since it is VA Beach, they meet on the beach.

RV takes Peter to an old time photo shop, probably because she wants to return to a time when people still had slaves…yeah I said it.

Oh God, RV shares her icecream cone with her dog, if I saw that I would immediately end the date, Peter kisses her.

 

RV takes Peter to her "favorite spot" and there is a crowd and Peter yells "Hunter Hayes is in the house" which leads to more terrible dancing by Peter and RV on a platform, which makes me wonder – "Did RV date Hunter Hayes also?" RV tells us "Nailed it, (names the others girls and says they go home) I am Mrs. Weber."

Peter dances with the energy of a man who thinks he is much better than he is, I envy. You just know the producers demanded that Hayes sang "I want crazy"  think I am crazy? The song was released in 2013, no way does an artist sing a 7 year old song unless he is pushed to do it.

"I don’t want easy, I want crazy" Peter sings the Hayes lyrics and Victoria responds "are you sure?"

As Peter and RV part for the day, someone with a blurred face standing next to a security guard calls him over and Peter says "Merissa" which granted does not help me (until I get to the internet) but really kills the secrecy aspect of the blur "I saw you and I'm like she looks so familiar, wait you are from Virgina?" Even more clues, Peter bought a leather jacket from Merissa in 2012 when she worked for Guess. Merissa tells Peter to look out "you are a great guy and I don't think you deserve what you are on a date with right now." Merissa is former friends with RV and she tells Peter that many relationships have been broken up by RV. Hmm Peter hugs Merissa like she was an ex! 

 

So the show blurred her but clearly Merissa wanted to be on TV/in the media as she did the rounds.

https://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/why-peter-webers-ex-merissa-decided-to-go-on-the-bachelor/

 

 

Meet the parents?:

We start with RV standing outside her house waiting for Peter, when we cut to inside I wonder if RV is adopted.

HAHAHHAHA I CALLED IT, Peter says "I was walking and saw this girl I used to date" I knew that was the hug of exes.

Peter tells RV what Merissa said and RV respomds not that emphatically "For her to say that, that's very disappoining, I havent broken up any…what relationships have I broken up?"

RV "It's so much drama all the [bleeped] time!"

Peter tells RV that he doesn’t feel like she every fights for their relationship and that she always walks away and to deny it RV – WALKS AWAY, so meta.

RV's gambit of attacking first and walking away works, she gets Peter to apologize to her. Peter is vascilating between groveling and trying to take control "for whatever reason you continue to think that 'No I am just going to give up' and then you just walk up [sic] and leave." RV "then why are you so willing to stay?" Masterclass by RV here, forcing Peter to say "Have you not seen this entire time how much I have cared for you and how much you have meant to me?"

Plenty of tears – then Peter "You deserve to be loved, don't push that away"

Peter leaves without meeting the family.

RV's family comes out to comfort her and she says "He left" as if there was nothing more to it.

 

Next day?:

Peter is in his hotel room I guess talking to a producer "it breaks my hear hearing what she told me, I guess she is falling in love with me" and lo and behold there is a knock on the door, and you of course know it is RV.

RV "I hate what happened last night" "I am falling in love with you."

Peter "I hate this, but I feel like you don't even want me to love you the way that I want to love you…I feel like we have no communication skill…it just implodes, it's the most terrifying thing to me…how am I supposed to have any type of confidence in us…I see the 99% of it that is amazing…and just that 1% of it, it terrifies me."

RV "For some reason I just cant walk away from you" OH REALLY? Peter "but you kind of do" there we go.

RV "I can't let you leave without you knowing that I am falling in love with you."

Peter "I don't want to make any decision right now" RV thanks him, but hey it is very rare the lead would make any decision at this moment anyway, but sure let's pretend to be magnanomous. As RV leaves she gives Peter the oldtimey photo card "here, hang on to that."

 

Back to the Left Coast – Los Angeles, CA., Rose ceremony time:

Peter tells us that he is not sure yet who he is sending home.

RV is the last lady to arrive and she tells us "I am so drained emotionally."

The rose ceremony is being conducted in a hangar, did you guys know Peter is a pilot?

 

The first rose goes to Hannah Ann, and RV is already freaking out, Madison gets the next rose, leaving it down to the two women in the same shade of green; Kelsey and RV and the rose goes to RV! Kelsey do not feel bad girl you came all the way back from champagnegate and you are my favorite of the remaining girls and because of that I am glad you escaped before the fantasy suites, this is also making me think the push for making you the Bachelorette has validity, this is a prime spot for future leads.

 

Peter "I know that my wife is in this hangar right now" as Peter tells the ladies they are going to Gold Coast Australia, Madison looks panicked and now needs to talk to Peter.

 

I hope people have the same energy with Madison next week that they had with Luke P, just because he was aggro does not mean that Madison's demands are any less weird to put on someone in this kind of show, I reserve the right to reverse this statement if the promo department of the Bachelor tricked us.

 

Apparently RV has a rough legal past: 

https://heavy.com/entertainment/2020/02/victoria-f-fuller-arrested-mugshot/

 

 

Blooper Reel:

RV's family waiting in vain inside for Peter.

 

Never forget as you see Peter's terrible decision making, he flies commerical jets for Delta…hope you do not dwell on that next time you are flying them.