Bachelorette or are we watching a failed Bachelor edit?

 My parents DVR did not record most of the episode so I have to watch this on On Demand...I think the DVR was trying to save me from myself but I will not be deterred when it comes to harming myself. 

The guys are sitting around the couch of destiny contemplating that whomever gets a rose is going to hometowns. 
Michelle's ("Mich") initial scene has her meeting up with some of her students, and they are at the age where the girls are much more developed than the boys, to the point that one of the boys does not look like he should be in the same grade as the others. 

The kids are allegedly planning all the dates - I know most peeps will go "Awwww" I go, "can we skip ahead" I do not like the voice of kids, and I never use baby voice -I always talk to kids like they are grown folks! The female students love Olu,

they do not like Martin...maybe I take back my lack of respect for these kids they might know something "from the mouths of babes."

One of the male students asks Rodney if he shaves his nipples? BUT WHAAAT someone had to have set that up (since the answer was yes) no way a kid looks a grown man in the face and asks that.  
Clayton getting that Bach edit builds a fort with the kids...sigh "probably the best fort I have ever seen" said by the kid whose voice sounds like nails on a chalk board. 

At the end of their time with the guys the kids leave a date card.  Joe, Brandon and Rick only make an appearance when the date card is read. 

One on one: 

This might be Michelle's first outfit that I do not like, does she look good in it? Sure, as much as she can make that work, but I am not a fan of it. Clayton is the 'winner' of the date and it is a pizza and candy date in the back of a limo. Clayton looks like a mountain when in the enclosed space of the limo with Michelle, it is almost intimidating looking. 

The date continues to a museum that is apparently a favorite of the kids, so the couple plays tag and imitate bird mating calls and mating dances.

I will admit I zoned out a bit on this date, it is tame, it has kids pretending to be precocious and a bland dude that is not suited for the lead I am good with just letting it pass by. 

Back to the hotel and a date card arrives "love is messy" by not hearing his name Brandon is assured the one on one date: this leaves Olu disappointed because he will now be the only man remaining to not get a one one one date. 

Back to the Milquetoast date: Clayton's big reveal is that he has been chasing success and now he wants to settle down, YAWN! Michelle tells us that "Clayton is a wonderful guy but I have 8 great guys and I have to make difficult decisions." Michelle is not sure about Clayton or about Clayton meeting her family...

By now you may have seen the spoilers if you have not, just skip to the next paragraph after this one bordered by ellipses...(and yes I know that is not how they are supposed to be used)  Michelle tells Clayton that she is not feeling him and he cannot get the rose, which means he is being eliminated so Clayton is placing 8th

...and yet still he got the Bach lead? Like Katie who barely made it into the top 10 and was Bachelorette? YOU WANNA SEE PRIVILEGE? This is privilege, this stinks of someone even before the season started determining that no matter where Clayton placed he was going to be Bach. NOTHING he showed us screams he should be Bach other than being, tall, good looking and WHITE! Do y'all remember how wack Katie's season was, and how wack her post show life has been and we are running into this again? DID THE KID'S CHOOSE HIM?...

Clayton is eliminated but he shares a goodbye plus hugs with the kids and the kids write him goodbye notes to cheer him up and commiserate. 

Group Date: 

The guys go to a farm and Rick is much more comfortable at milking a cow than Rodney who tries to talk and joke his way through the cow's reaction to him touching her udders. 

Joe beats Nayte in their milking competition and Mich says "Joe knows how to handle teats." "Churning butter is a lot like relationships, you gotta put in effort and in the end you have something beautiful" Mich blink twice if they are forcing you to make these terrible puns and analogies.

  Joe outperforms Nayte as he lets us know in - milking a cow, nursing a calf and churning butter. Nayte pretends to hurt his back to try to spend some time with Mich while the men are shoveling manure which Mich tells us is important because she plans to have kids some day and the men need to know how to clean up...I know she is a teacher so I hope she knows kids will not produce this much. Mich shows off her muscles and work ethic while Nayte loafs. 

Evening: 
Michelle is in a banging dress. 

Nayte is first and he tells Michelle that his dad has always told him to never talk to him about girls so he has never brought one home - maybe the dad just wanted to only hear about guys! Natye tells Mich that he feels very strongly about her, Michelle says she is "tumbling down a hill so fast, falling for you" Nayte - "that makes me so happy" - Kisses. 

Joe is next "I had no idea you were so nurturing" Mich is a fan of Joe's skill but he snitches on himself and lets her know that his grandparents owned a dairy farm - Kisses. 

Rick tells Mich "no doubts about it" Mich "I like who you are" - Hug. 

Rodney "I know the gravity of hometown, I want you to see who I am and where I come from" - Kisses. 

Martin talking to the guys tells them that he thinks Mich has not been paying attention so he thinks that is why "she didn't understand" what he was saying...oh she understood you bro, what we as an audience do not understand (and apparently Olu also) is how Michelle is running past your red flags.

 

Martin tells Mich that he wants her to meet his family and friends "I think friends tell a lot about you" Martin continues "you handle yourself like a woman [long pause] right?" - Kisses. 

Olu tells Mich "I wanna be honest...may not benefit me...but Martin, there are some red flags" he tells Mich Martin said (due to Mich's poem from earlier in the season about some childhood trauma) "the fact that you have not dealt with your past is kind of immature" - unseen exit. 

During the forced commercial that I cannot skip past I place gold leaf on the rum cakes I made, because if we are going to go big for Thanksgiving we are going to go ALL THE WAY BIG! 

Back to the group, Michelle picks up the rose then says "Martin can we go chat for a second?"

She takes the walk with him while holding the rose. Martin tried to convince Michelle that he has not been demeaning her behind her back, and he keeps talking over her while she is trying to speak to him saying "can I speak" doing the move where you try to cut off and dominate someone while not saying the truth even after Mich points it out he says "I apologize for MAYBE speaking over you" even in his apology he equivocates.

Mich finally says she spots his red flags and her walls are up so she needs to walk him out. In the car Martin's full true colors come out, "I feel sad for her, its sad...a woman like that does not deserve my time" right after feigning a class exit with Mich and telling her that he hopes she finds her person...full on 2 face. How Martin sees himself: 

One on one:

Brandon's date card said "home is where the heart is" and allegedly planned by the kids. They start of going for ice cream, my kind of date starter.

Not sure my friend would want me to identify her as saying this but she sent me this "Brandon why's everything you say gotta sound so soft?" 
Mich takes Brandon to her childhood home and he kisses her in the car because he says he is nervous about meeting her parents she tells him the 'rents are not home, I think she is lying. Brandon put his hand over his heart when he said he was nervous, see the above text I received. 

Mich asks Brandon how he feels about taking a dip in the pool, he is down for it, then she asks "how do you feel about wearing my dad's swimsuit?" "I am cool with it?" WHAT BRO? you are okay with wearing her dad's trunks...A. not cool in general? B. You wanna get home-murdered? As a kid who grew up with a pool and YES snuck girls over to use the pool, either they bring their own suits, or they go in skivvies, you cannot be passing off parental clothing because when they have to run once you hear the electric gate open they cannot be in your parents' gear. 

So of course the Parent's come home as Mich and Brandon are hugged up in the pool, such a clear set up. I am too old for this now, but I have done the "Oh hey, this is your daughter?" face before that I recognize on Brandon but I have never done it while wearing the clothing of the parent.

When Mich and her mom are side by side it is a bit of a trip because you are seeing the same features but in different shades. I cannot help it but the country is the way it is and I look at light-skinned Brandon talking to white mom and black dad and it is something weird to see, coming off the news of the last couple weeks I honestly just worry about our Black Kings and Queens and the struggle we all face. Always remember this when you see an older mixed race couple those people went through HELL, there is no way they didn't face the worst of the worst, I came to America in 1999 and dated interracially through the 2000s and it was hell then, I cannot imagine how "iron like a lion, in Zion" interracial couples had to be in the earlier years. 

Brandon asks Mich to leave for a bit so he can get the blessing from her parents someone is jumping several steps ahead.

 

Evening portion: 

Brandon is sad that he cannot introduce Mich to his granddad because he passed away. Mich gets a bracelet from Brandon that his mom made for him with the instruction that if he was feeling Mich he should give it to her because if she sees it on Mich then she will know they should care for her as much as they care for Brandon. Mich says it is one of the most special gifts she has ever received and Brandon tells her he is falling in love with her. Brandon gets the date rose. 

Next Day: 

As Rick tells the guys this is the most important cocktail party Tayshia and Kaitlyn come in to say "good news" the process is working "bad news" Mich does not want/need to do a cocktail party. 

Rose Ceremony: 

Olu is in...an outfit, his jacket looks like what I would expect someone to wear to graduation from Clown College.

I cannot describe this thing accurately, a picture is worth a thousand words right? 

2 roses for 4 guys and I really need one to go to Rodney. 

First rose to Joe, and then the silly appearance from Tayshia and Kaitlyn (has Tayshia said anything in these "final rose of the evening" appearances for the last few times?) the final rose goes to Rodney, whew, my team lives to fight on. It is really tight in our fantasy league 3 of the teams still have guys available, but the person that has who I think is the front runner aka Nayte is team NOT ME! I have 2 guys but I am down 200 points and that is a lot to make up especially if Natye does end up winning like I fear he does. Can my guys rack up enough to chase down a front runner when i do not have strong faith in either of them being top 2? 

Bloopers: 

Clayton is hanging with one of the kids and she is painting his nails. When a producer asks the little girl what she thinks is next for Clayton she says "he will be the next Bachelor." Le Sigh. 

Bachelorette or did you know she is from Minnesota?

 Not saying she is the worst Bachelorette but was Katie's season maybe the most inconsequential? Blandest? Least stylish? Quickest fading? I am not sure how to look at it but it was not helped that the man who won was part of the season that had 2 Bachelorettes and came on late. Halfway through I was already predicting she would be with Blake and then towards the end I was making jokes like "Will they be broken up by the time the next season airs?" Dear reader they are. A big part of the drama from Bach in Paradise was centered around a trip to San Diego that some of the cast took, Katie was part of that meet up and yet she was faded to the background, I cannot imagine if Becca had been part of that group her role would be so minimized. 

Non-spoiler if you do not know who he is, but for those who know - has the current pick for Bachelor shown you anything that makes you think he should have been picked or that he will be a good Bach? ANYTHING other than he is a tall/good looking chap, which is a feature this show does not lack?

 

We start the A-Show with Michelle ("Mich") roaming around and showing us parts of Minnesota before going to the home grounds to see the folks; this feels pretty quick to go back to hometown? 

Michelle says the 11 guys "are all unique from each other" then the show makes the guys do the dumb scream into the void trope that it loves "MICHELLE" then high five each other. The 'unique' guys wear a lot of black, white and tan. 

Immediately off the bat Mich tells them there is a 1 on 1 and Joe the guy FROM MINNESOTA gets the 1 on 1 don't cha know.

One on One: 

If Mich was hoping to not let the guys be suspicious she is not picking the best move here. 

Mich takes Joe for a drive around Minneapolis to a Twins game to throw out the first pitch in custom jerseys.

Mich then takes Joe to her high school and shows him her old locker (my high school did not have lockers). They see her photos in the trophy case and look over her year book. Then there is some one on one on the basketball court. Not sexist to say that Joe is letting her win, though Michelle's jumper is wet! 

M&J talk about how reserved Joe is and he says that his dad is even more reserved. 

Back to the hotel and the guys are nervous about the group date vs a one on one card. Nayte admits that he feels pressure to step up. If you didn't get it from last week when Chris S bloody said he rode in on a white horse he tells you that he "laid it all out" for Mich...by snitching last week so he is annoyed that Nayte got the one on one. 

Evening Portion: 

And we know this is going to be a heavy date because we get a trigger warning regarding suicide and depression so heads up...

Michelle is rocking an all black ensemble with some tight 'no way can they play basketball in these' pants. 

We get Joe's sob story and I am feeling sympathy leg pains as Joe describes all the surgeries he had to go through in high school and college to continue to play basketball. Eventually the surgeries and injuries robbed him of his ability to play at a high level and he contemplated suicide "ball was life, and that life was gone" so when that basketball-life ended Joe wanted his to end. Michelle is wiping tears as she listens. Mich is supportive of Joe and so of course he gets the date rose. 

Group date: 

And Michelle is back again in all black with tight pants.

The guys meet her on the field of the Viking's stadium so when she asks the guys if they are ready to meet some Vikings of course the guys think they are going to meet some football players...they meet mascots. 

They are told to show off their war cries Chris' is deemed pitiful. Chris says he is still disappointed that Nayte got the one on one. Olu tells us that Chris is a snake who threw them all under the bus.

There are some silly feats of strength

The guys are then told to go dress like Vikings, most of the guys get 'cool' gear except Chris who is dressed like a horse and Casey tells us "he went from acting like a horse's ass to dressing like one." 

Part of the challenge given is to 'eat like a Viking' Cow brains, tongue and hash is one of the items plus some delicious fermented Nordic fish.

 

Of course in the arm wrestling challenge it is Chris against Olu and Chris is beaten badly. Clayton is dubbed the ultimate Viking, doesn't hurt that dude is ripped. On the way to clean up Brandon kisses Mich and she says "ugh straight fish Brandon." 

Evening: 

Mich is wearing an amazing green dress, see above when I said the last season was not as stylish. 

Clayton gets some strong one on one time with Mich. Brandon gets teased that he will have some more Nordic fish but this time it is Nordic fish candy. 

Back to the main group and the guys are calling out Chris. Chris continues "Nayte got the one on one that I should have had" he really feels owed. 

"Nayte I am looking for a man who is not afraid to test the waters" Joe reads that date card then asks Nayte "do you know how to swim?" and they both laugh as Nayte affirms that he can. 

Back to group date and all the guys are getting time with Mich except Chris because the producers work hard here...and Chris is going nuts that he has not had time with her. Mich comes down to talk to the group to "wrap up this evening" while Chris is off having a drink and it looks like talking to producers, he clearly fell for a set up, Chris walks back after Mich has sat down with the guys. 

Chris is angry that Mich did not say "thank you for what I did last week" "I'm a fun goofy guy and I wasn't like that today and you didn't check in on me...spoke to every other guy...that is crazy to me" Chris seems to forget that the show is the Bachelorette not the Bachelor, the contestants need to make moves not the lead. 

One on one: 

Nayte and Mich are out on the lake LAKE MINNETONKA RIP PRINCE

and Mich tells Nayte that it is going to turn into a group date and the 'group' aspect is 2 of her friends showing up to grill Nayte as they float on a boat. 

I think Nayte is currently winning this followed by Joe, these 2 got the special type dates that are reserved for peeps that the lead is thinking they could 'spend forever' with.

 

Evening:

Nayte says the process is changing him. Michelle shares a story that while she was in her last relationship it was so toxic that she was becoming ill and had to move back in with her parents. Speaking of Toxic relationships here comes Chris to tell us that "I do not care if she is on a one on one date" he "needs" to speak to her so he pops up on Mich's date with Nayte while they are still at the dinner portion and asks to speak to her Nayte rightfully has 'shocked face' as we go to commercial. 

Now obviously the producers helped set this fool up to be a sucker because he took a car to what would be an undisclosed location but allow me as a black man to tell you how UGLY THIS LOOKS FOR THE WHITE MAN TO THINK THE TIME OF TWO BLACK PEEPS IS INSIGNIFICANT TO HIM AND THAT THE BLACK WOMAN LEAD OWES HIM SOMETHING. "Can I please speak with you for a moment, just one moment, it is important." NO IT IS NOT! Nayte does that laugh that every black man should recognize as the laugh of frustration where "if I act appropriately I will be labelled the angry black man." 

Chris tells Mich that he feels "played by the whole situation" "I came to say that I warned you, and I don't want you to make the wrong decision. Mich says what we all saw last week - she was not happy that Chris spoke "for me" and not with her

she thinks Chris is trying to control her...he played himself and Mich sends that fool home. You cannot trust a man who cannot even hold it together on a TV show that is in a public space, she has to be worried about their private space. 

Back to her date and Mich gives Nayte the rose. 

Cocktail Ceremony: 

Michelle in another banging dress. Rick is a sneaky good candidate so far, he gets to take a stroll with Mich and they pretend to do some runway walking (Rick is as stiff as a board) and dance to music from a street musician. 

Martin bro, bruh, brah "What makes a female high maintenance?" you really set yourself up for this with "you are not high maintenance, girls in Miami are high maintenance."

Then to compound things Martin drops in "females" who expect things from men and "I came on the show because I know you are different"..."Men should not be doing things women should do." Look when Martin had his one on one and kept defending Jamie over Mich's clear discomfort the red flags were CLEAR so none of this is shocking. 

Nayte and Mich are all over each other 

Rose Ceremony: 

Roses to: Rick, Olu, Brandon, Martin (this I did NOT expect)

whew Rodney gets the final rose, I was beginning to worry that my fantasy team was about to get murdered. 

Tayshia and Kaitlyn showing up to remind us last second that A. We do not miss OMCH B. The 'host' on this show is scenery and the overly popping up of them earlier in the season was unnecessary and C. They are gorgeous women but this matching outfit thing is funny. D. WE REALLY DO NOT MISS OMCH. 

A quick note on Martin, consider how much Mich is willing to put up with him vs with Jamie, makes me think there was even more with Jamie than we saw. And Jamie's downfall may have been hastened by attacking Mich's faves he made himself a threat to her immediate happiness whereas Martin is just a standalone bit of fluff. 

Bloopers: 

Olu feeding Mich some popular dishes from Africa (the continent - saying this as a reminder since too often peeps treat it like it is a vague-country) and watching her struggle with the spice was endearing. He had the same look of mild amusement I have whenever I feed an ethnic person mid-level spice and they are shocked like they were just hit with a scorpion sting. 

Bachelorette recap or are we sure the guys know who Michelle is?

 We start with guys recapping how shady Jamie was. 

Kaitlyn has a sit down chat with Michelle ("Mich") and tries to show emotions but her face will not allow it. Mich says "these men are really good at being vulnerable" Kaitlyn "ooh I really like that" DO YOU?

Tayshia arrives with the date card. 

Martin gets the one on one Olu tells us that "Martin and Jamie were very close" so Olu does not trust Martin. Michelle at the start of the date notes that "Martin and Jamie were very close" so she wants to see if she can trust him...this feels producer driven. 

One on one: 

Race track adrenaline date (BMW performance track - shout out to those of us who drive 'domestic'), but Michelle is not the one driving as a car drifts around the track and races up to Martin.

Is driving a BMW like going to Harvard, you have to tell everyone you did it? Mich is a former professional athlete so she does not have the 'take it easy' gene, she whips Martin in a race. 

There is a tub set up but I cannot tell if it is hot, lukewarm or cold, I just know that as her nethers reach the water Mich makes a face but the show cuts away. In the tub Mich is asking Martin on his thoughts about what happened with Jamie, Martin takes a dumb tact of not just going all in with Mich and makes her think Martin is questioning her decision making. Look bro, your boy is gone you don't have to flame him, but standing up for him the day after it comes out that he lied to everyone is a weird tact. And even if you initially thought "I need to stand up for my bro" Mich's body language is flashing a big red stop sign. 

Evening: 

Mich immediately tells Martin that when she was talking about Jamie she "felt very shut down" by Martin, Martin says he is working on his communication, I would say he is communicating a lot of red flags well. 

Group date card arrives and there are a lot of front runners on the date "Surrender to love" Rick gets the one on one date. Nayte says that he is confident he will eventually get a one on one Chris S tells us that "that comes across cocky." 

Back to the date, Martin's willingness to "try" to open up wins him the date rose and a make out under simulated stars. 

Next day Group Date:

Some sleep ware arrives for the guys on the group date and Chris G is forced to just wear briefs for his...

again gauche and this is even before we get to "we wouldn't do this to women,: we should not do it to ANYONE. If he chooses to strip down that is different but putting him in the gear is weird to me.

Michelle and the men go to a slumber partyesque event with carnival type games and stuffed toys, and treats. The men seem more interested in hanging out with each other to the point that Michelle has to call guys over to hang with her and then asks a producer "What the f#$k am I doing here?"

The guys do punching challenges

and literally tell Michelle to sit it out, then say "let's play duck duck goose" and then say when someone points out that Mich is not there "she can join when we start to play." Very bro moment of forgetting who you are with. 

The date continues and reveals the Bella Twins (WWE wrestlers) having a stuffed toy fight

"The Ultimate Teddy Bear Takedown" Mich is upset because this means the guys "will be competing with each other and not spending time with me." Mich is so visibly upset that Kaitlyn asks "are you okay?" Tayshia also checks in. Mich feels unseen. 

Nayte is crowing that his team is going to easily win pointing out the physical prowess of the other team so of course he just gets MOLLY WHOPPED in the ring by Will. The fights are...interesting 

When it is his turn Olu strips down to show off his impressive physique.

The winning team celebrates by themselves...and not with Michelle. She even walks off while they are celebrating and the team does not notice. 

Evening portion: 

Michelle lets the guys know that she did not feel seen on the date and she is concerned. Michelle references the poem she read last week about "growing up in the shadows" and when she leaves Olu begins to cry saying "that poem was very powerful." Mich pulls Nayte first and tells him part of why his actions hurt so much is that she is already having feelings for him. Olu and Mich have a very strong 'black love' moment where he references that he sees the trials and tribulations that his sisters go through...he gets the date rose.

One on one: 

Michelle "I feel like we are ready to take our relationship to new heights" so Rick will have to go up a mountain with her. The couple goes hiking in the mountain and come upon a box where you can leave wishes and read the wishes of others, through that we find that Rick's dad passed away three years ago.

Evening portion: 

Rick goes into some more details about his complicated past with his dad. When he was 17 Rick spotted a text on his dad's cell from a woman that was not his mom, he told his mom about it and it precipitated his mom leaving his dad. Rick felt guilty about that for ages (makes sense, a lot to carry that should never be on anyone's shoulder). Michelle comforts Rick and says "those wounds and those scars that you have are also what make you this amazing person that you are." 

Rick hints that he is falling in love. Michelle breaks out the date rose which he definitely 'earned.'

They get serenaded by Andy Grammer while Michelle pretends to be happy Andy is there, rare that I know the musical artist BUT I still do not know them well. 

Cocktail Party:

Chris S. Decides to upstage Mich by handing her her drink as she walks down and before she can speak gives a speech telling the guys and Mich that she should give time to guys who are willing to step up...Bro sit your ass down. This speech is not what you think it is. Brandon asks to speak to Mich first, but then Chris S demands to talk to her first Mich points out "Brandon stepped up" then tells Brandon she will go talk to Chris S for a quick minute. 

Chris S. tells Mich that he is one of the guys who wants to be here for her while others are not and then specifically mentions Nayte as a guy "who has it in the bag." Mich immediately brings it up to Nayte. 

Nayte takes Chris S. aside but their argument is loud enough that other guys can hear it. Chris claims that Nayte's name just happened to come out of his mouth and he did not mean to single him out but Chris then says he did not do homework so he cannot list other names

"I came in on my white horse and saved her from the castle she has been stuck in" sadly I think Chris S truly thinks that is his mandate.  

Olu and Rick the only men with roses have a chat with Chris S and Chris is crowing that "based on the reception I got upstairs" he is guaranteed a rose. He says he will wink at Olu and say "you can put it in a flower vase by your bedside and keep it there until the next ceremony." So much foreshadowing. 

Rose ceremony: 

Roses to Brandon, Leroy, Joe, Rodney, Clayton, Casey, Nayte, and the final rose goes to DRAMA aka Chris S. Chris is crowing in his ITM that he got the rose "I did not give a little wink, but I know in his heart that he is happy I am here." 

The show ends with the cast going to Minnesota.