Our fantasy league starts tonight. Initially I uncharitably wondered if the reasons the ladies of our group were keeping mum about restarting the league was because the guys dominated so much last season, then they surprised me with our last minute push to get the league back up and running.
Dear Reader - circle of trust moment - I did not put in my usual effort to constructing my team - sure I still put in a good faith effort because of course I want to win, but I was not as diligent as last season.
My team is Brandon J, Rodney, Peter and Daniel and if you think I put their name here so that I can remember some of them...You "Dan" right I did.
Tayshia is giving Michelle a pep talk for her group date.
The Group date card is read and I confess I do not recognize half of these guys - "It is my time it is Big Will time" uhmm sure bro.
Group Date:
This show is not lighting Olu well in his confessionals. Michelle tells the group she brought three of her friends and it turns out the three friends are 5th graders (allegedly) - I know peeps ooh and coo for kids I do not.
The guys will have to show off their knowledge, the first test is math "2,021*18" turns out one of the guys is a Harvard Math major BECAUSE IF YOU GO TO HARVARD YOU HAVE TO LET EVERYONE KNOW.
Peter keeps trying to get Michelle's attention during the Chemistry challenge which he fails, after failing the math portion also.
Peter does not come off well during musical chairs or during a spelling challenge.
During the spelling challenge instead of spelling "narcissist" Will spells "Peter" and this leaves Peter heated!
Evening portion:
Michelle is in a risqué top for side camera shots. Brandon gets the first solo moment and Michelle makes fun of his spelling and is clearly hinting that he should kiss her by commenting that he is staring at her "deep into my soul", she puts her hand on his cheek clearly to guide and hint and initially he is actively talking his way out of the kiss but he lands the plane after a few bumpy attempts.
While Michelle is having her one on one moments with some of the other guys Peter tells Will that he wants to talk to him outside. There is a lot of hand gesturing and yelling timed with "you don't have to be the loudest person in the room" Michelle is saying this to Olu as you can hear Peter and Will arguing.
A date card arrives for Jamie and he puffs up his chest about it telling us that he lives a wild life that might not be for everyone.
Back to the date and Rick sets up a mini story of blank words for Michelle to fill in and the last line "shared a beautiful..." leads to a "kiss."
Michelle pulls Peter aside and lets him know she is concerned about the blow up, he claims this is out of character for him. Uh huh.
Brandon J gets the date rose - lock it in son, the team needs hitters because Peter is absolutely going to burn bright and flame out early and I did not even want Daniel.
One on One Date:
Going into it Jamie tells us he is feeling pressure and he hopes Michelle is "feeling that same pressure...cause I have no intentions of staying here if she is not feeling that pressure." Michelle is in some super bright workout gear, if they got lost in the desert she could be spotted from the air...and then as if to justify the gear, they go rock climbing in Joshua Tree. As someone who has dislocated both shoulders I was watching this date and my shoulders were just sympathy aching.
Jamie was so much more supportive during the rock climb than I would have predicted based on his discussions with the other guys and in ITMs. His support to Michelle earns him a kiss.
Jamie's 'sob story' is an actual legit one not like a forced trauma that so many people seem to construct for this show, his mom was suffering mental illness and he and his younger sister were worried about her during their teenage years, and then at age 24 he lost his mom to suicide. Jamie's story makes Michelle sob.
This early in the season after a good daytime date and that sad a trauma story the rose is a lock. Michelle describes it as one of the best first dates she has ever been on.
Caroline Jones performs for the couple and the show knows better than to pretend to have these 2 black people try to fake that they know who she is. Jamie mouths "wow" as the couple walks in to the private show, as he clearly tries to fake enthusiasm for who the artist is vs just the joy of a private show.
Group date 2:
Basketball is the group activity but just before the date Joe gets a call from his mom (her appearance also explains Joe's complexion) who tells him that his former basketball coach has died, this causes Joe to break down crying [the devil works hard but Bachelor producers work harder].
The guys meet up with Michelle and Dearica Hamby and Diamond DeShields whose chyrons just say "Professional Basketball players" it is callous of me but A. Say that they are WNBA players on their chyron, give them that respect and B. Even after Michelle introduced them half the guys still looked confused as to who they were.
There are some one on ones with the guys and Michelle tells us that in 2011 Joe was Minnesota's Mr. Basketball, "basically saying that you are the number one player in the state" as Joe demolishes the guys. Michelle showing the humor we were robbed off on Matt's season "in 2011 I was Miss Minnesota basketball...[pause and a wink]...but I was runner up."
Joe and Michelle have a one on one battle before the classic Bach franchise moment happens; a team competition where the winners get time with Michelle and the losers go home.
The blue team is demolishing the red team that has Joe on it; during a time out with the Blue team up 25-8 rubs Joe's shoulders saying "you got this Mr. Basketball." Now I do not trust Bach scoring when the numbers are hard to track but the blue team wins by 1.
The MVP of the day is Joe "with this award you are gonna get invited to the after party" they blue team guys are pissed and Joe's red teammates are not happy either.
Joe gets extended time with Michelle on the group date, they play some more basketball and Joe tells her about his coach passing and they share some kisses leading to a great image of discarded shoes and a kiss making a ball drop.
The guys on the date are noticing that there was a lot of time passing between Joe and Michelle. Nayte is confident even while the other guys are stressing. Back at the house when the losing team walks in there is confusion about a team losing and the MVP coming from the team that took the L. Nayte tells us that "there is no way I am not getting that rose" which is the Bach kiss of death, so of course Joe gets the rose.
Cocktail Party:
We start with guys commenting on Joe. Michelle has to walk the 'Stairs of Stress' in a dress that is vavoom.
Rodney whom you might remember dressed as an apple day one, gets blind folded and is required to take a taste test; he is super confident in the flavors of apples he is tasting he is SUPER WRONG in the flavors of apples he is claiming, he also confuses pizza with Lasagna but at least he recognizes a kiss from Michelle "that is by far the best kiss" so he earned his points back there. Do we think he was just playing along for the camera? Can someone be that bad at taste testing?
Cut to Jamie telling guys he is suspicious of Michelle and Joe he then adds that a friend from Minnesota told him that they saw Michelle at a bar and she was "boo'd up...with a light skinned baller" which would mean as Jamie tells us Michelle is "not here for the right reasons." Jamie then says he has to go talk to Michelle about it and he tells Michelle that everyone else is talking about it and that while he doesn't personally care about it others do "I think its gotten to a point where it is taking on a life of its own." He then tells Michelle the bar story about the "tall light skinned baller" is this a new level of gaslighting? Do we call this pilot-lighting where you get the oven lit in advance to just mess with the person's head in advance so we no longer tell them that what they think is wrong, we put the wrong things into their head and make them repeat it to a group?
Wait did I just coin a phrase?
Michelle takes time to herself and goes on a balcony to clear her head, Tayshia comes to talk to her and Michelle tells her the situation. Now look while I think we get too much of Tayshia and Kaitlyn in some respects these are the moments when I think they will work much better than a male host, I do not want to see Jesse Palmer talking to a Bachelorette here, I will be suspicious of anything he says to her (I am already suspicious of Tay and Kay too).
Michelle goes to talk to the guys and addresses the rumors and squashes them and points out the racial problem that all black people in predominantly white cities face, anytime you are seen with someone of your race in a public setting the assumption is that you are dating.
Rodney talks to the other guys after Michelle leaves and asks if he has missed conversations, Peter adds on. Many of the guys are curious as to who spoke to Michelle about the rumor and they really want to find out who did it but Jamie is NOT going to snitch on himself. He pretends with many of the guys that he is also curious about who told Michelle about the rumors and the house questioning her integrity, he even clinks glasses with Nayte when Nayte is saying he would not waste his time with Michelle talking about other guys and rumours.
Michelle is emotional and Tay and Kay tell us that she is cancelling the rest of the cocktail party.
Rose Ceremony:
Roses go to Nayte, Rodney, Martin, Rick, Leroy, Spencer, Casey, Chris G., Mollique, Olu, Chris S., Will, Romeo, LT, Clayton, and now I have 2 guys on the chopping block with one rose left...but Peter comes through because the show needs some drama. Told you I did not bloody want Daniel (such is the vagrancies of drafting) he is out week 2 without scoring me a single point...but before you dance on my grave, just a reminder that last season I also had the last pick and lost one of my 4 at this stage too, keep the faith Team Cali J.
Bloopers:
The announcer who I will give it to him was pretty funny with his commentary gives the guys some mocking intros.
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