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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Bachelor recap or "keep your heart open and love will always find its way in" syke - Episode 7

Okay let us remember this forever: If a girl comes on a show ‘looking for love’ and has an open heart tattoo, she is going to be crazy. That is your instant lesson, and we are still on the, “coming up on the Bachelor” first minute of the show.

By the way this blub from Tierra's Bio is instructive

"If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?
My future soul-mate! I just want to meet him already. Someone who it is just as natural and we are best friends!" (sic)
Tierra cry-face

“I am not friends with girls who like my boyfriends” Tierra even when you say something that should make sense, it sounds crazy when I see the look on your face. And…you get to stay in a hotel suite with a real bed but break out a hide-away bed? Because you do not want to share a room with your competition; hey if this is the only way you can sleep, go for it. I suspect Tierra could sleep on a bed of nails tipped with acid and not have a problem with it as long as she thinks it would advance her in the competition.

So Sean and his one-on-one date get to hang out on a luxury boat, but of course to get out there they have to swim to it. Again, to hang out with Sean you have to work out for Sean. Watching them swim just makes me miss the water back home. I love living in Cali, but no one with an ounce of sense would claim the water here is great. Every time I enter the water here I think I have reduced my chance of having kids by percentage points.

 I genuinely loathe these LeVian chocolate diamond ads. Take inferior diamonds, add fancy promotion and a sweeter name than ‘plain old brown’ diamonds then hype the price. Rinse and repeat

Tierra gets the one on one yet still makes pouty face, because there might be bugs and there might be the chance of her makeup running yet she wanted it to be a boat date…I confess I do not know much about makeup but I do know a lot about boats and water: wouldn’t the makeup run after going in the ocean?

AshLee has a big secret to tell Sean and takes six hours to get it out, but of course has to mention her adoption again first, look I know it’s a big deal but yeesh I think I have heard about it every time she has had more than 2 minutes with Sean (actual math may be wrong). Her big secret is that she got married at 17, I thought it was going to be that she killed a man with boredom.

As I am watching my NY Times app says “North Korea is suspected of Conducting 3rd Nuclear Test” and I am ashamed to say I immediately thought “Must have been to break up this boring ass date”.

"The Bachelor" featuring Sean Lowe

“He bought me the most incredible things that a guy can buy on the first date”, this is while Sean and Tierra are walking through a craft market. Uhmm Tierra, every guy that has ever been on vacation with a girl has bought that stuff, I have even bought it for girls I was only mildly interested in, it is the rite of passage for couples on an island vacay. I have never been to St Croix, but I have a hard time believing that this impromptu street carnival is a normal thing, methinks the Bachelor producers had a little thing going on here or the St. Croix department of Tourism realized that they might as well get bang for their advertising buck.

I love Tierra’s either delusion or method of spin, when she claims that the other girls go and do their own thing without inviting her. We should send Tierra to go negotiate with North Korea, she can clearly manipulate men merely by gazing at them and spouting nonsense. She tells Sean she thinks he has been distant and then Sean in his confessional “I didn’t feel like I was being distant, but looking back at it I guess subconsciously I was”. Tierra is a Svengali, she could kill the NK nuclear program in a one hour date with Kim Jong-un. “I thought I hated America, but Tierra told me that what I really hated was the fact that we get the Bachelor on a delay. Thanks to her I now know that bombing the West Coast would forever remove her from my life”. Go Team America.

Now Sean is performing a 4am raid on the girls - yup Sadist. I think Catherine might have a shot to win this whole show. If Sean wasn’t so goofy I would think the whole taking the girls to see the sun rise thing was cool. But it was also ruined for me when he said “we are the first 4 people in America to see the sun rise” and I kept wanting him to add “plus the camera crew, the writers (reality sure), the producers, the security and craft services, but other than them, we are the first 4”. By the way Sean makes it sound like they will not have enough time to drive all the way across the island in one day, let me rob my readers of any disillusionment, the island is only 28miles long by 7 miles. They could have run across it in a day, but hey let’s pretend that using the highway system is impossible.

What the hell, I see 3 American women on a Caribbean beach and nobody has braided hair?  I thought this was reality TV? It is the second week in a row that Catherine gets some camera shine and it is the 2nd week in a row she tells us a story involving death or potential death: Catherine tells a story about her dad's attempted suicide and it is a heartbreaking story but I swear to you Sean’s first reaction is to smile and say “Thank you for telling me that”. It may have been a nervous smile but good grief son, figure out a better response.

Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici on the Beach in St. Croix in The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 7

 Lindsay gets the rose despite not telling a sob story like Catherine and Des (my family lived in tents) and drops this gem on us ""I am on cloud nine. The crazy girl that walked in in the wedding dress now has the hometown rose. Nobody saw that coming." Her words tell you all you need to know about her and the choice.

Tierra is really good at the' hideaway and listen in' move after we send her to North Korea; we should just have her spy on whatever enemies we may still have left. I am sure there are some Al Qaida peeps she could easily locate for us. I am drinking a tonne of Jamaican rum while watching this show I wonder if I should read this over before posting. I find it hard to stomach that the “crazy girl that walked in wearing a wedding dress” [her words] is a substitute teacher, I really hope she made up her profession, I really do; this girl cannot be shaping the minds of the impressionable young. Unless she is a substitute teacher like the person who teaches kindergarten PE is a teacher, I can live with that.

I think every girl but Lesley has said she is falling in love with Sean but the thing that gets me the most is how often they say “Uhm”. I would count it, but my head might explode.

Sean’s sister shows up, please, please, please tell me she has some personality. I never get the whole bring a family member in who has not been with you the whole time. How can they help you make a decision if they do not know the girls?

Tierra keeps taking shots at AshLee’s (seriously what the hell is that spelling?) age of 32. I wish I could fast forward to Tierra’s life at 32, I suspect that AshLee’s 32 is going to be a lot better than Tierra’s 32 especially since I think that Tierra already looks older than AshLee so good luck with that. She also tells all the girls that no one can take her Sparkle, don't worry Tierra, no one saw that movie so it is yours to keep.  

But seriously quoting your parents as the ones who have told you that you have "Sparkle" is just like quoting your parents calling you their "special girl" no one cares. And seriously chica, what is up with your eyebrows? You really cannot control them? We should study this; completely independent eyebrows might be a thing!

Tierra is crying in front of Sean and he has the look that I used to have when I was dating a young girl that I knew I should break up with but I was too coward to break up with, she would cry in front of me but because I was just waiting and hoping she would break up with me I would just casually lean back and watch her cry. I think Tierra may have overplayed the crying move, she cried past the point of meeting Sean’s sister, she cried so much that she may have finally pushed Sean to the breaking point. And yup there he goes, he is sending her home. Looks like Tierra was so pissed she didn’t even give them the second ‘clean walk away’ so they could get the camera person out of the way and edit for a smooth transition. And I now discover something I never knew I cared about, but immediately wanted to know, there are NO limos on St. Croix. Now I know I am taking a leap here, but since Sean walked Tierra out to a Minivan I have to imagine there were no limos at all on the island because if there had been even a beaten up 1954 limo the Bachelor would have found it and used it.

Tierra LiCausi Makes a Tearful Exit in The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 7

Guess that infinity bracelet he bought you earlier in the week means nothing now huh Tierra?

Ha, Sean walks back to his sister who is still just sitting at the picnic bench like nothing has happened. And more importantly she is not surrounded by drinks. Wow she might be just as bland as Sean, I would be at least 7 drinks in by this point, but then again I am a big ole alcoholic; after all it is a Monday night I have work in the morning and have already had 3 drinks while watching a show that only lasts 1.5 hours in DVR time.

No Cocktail party tonight, Sean gives some reason but I ignore it, because I have already made up my mind that they are not doing the party because it is too windy. These poor girls have been positioned in that horrible seating arrangement that they always force them in known as the ‘All girls on one couch’ move and the wind is just whipping their hair. Why do they always force them all into one tiny space?

Ever wonder what Chris Hanson does in the back before he has to come out to announce that there is just one rose left? I mean his job is super easy right? Could he be back there just knocking back shots or doing rails? Has he ever been late for his cue? Does a producer some time have to come running into the back to look for him “Chris we need your one line”?

Sean sends home the girl with the best body but the worst face (which by the way at this stage does not mean ugly) by comparison. I have to wonder, why is Catherine more broken up by Leslie’s departure than she is? 'Letsbehonest' seems weird.

The preview for next week has Sean looking like he is squared up for a fight, I have such a hard time believing it that I have to think it is just a swerve…good job promo department.

Last lingering thought, I kind of wanted to see Tierra's hometown date because I wanted to see what produced her.


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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.