Bachelor recap first part of a 2 part descent into Brain mush

I am suffering from ‘Battered Viewer Syndrome’ (BVS) I know I am going to watch tonight’s episode, I know I am going to watch tomorrow’s episode, I know I am going to watch this series to the very end, but I hate myself. There was a message from E calling JP the biggest douche ever…and this is before the show started!

 

We start with Nikki’s hometown of Kansas City, Missouri (screw your school and its whiny bastards that left the big 12). Nikki claims that she likes a little cowboy so we cut to cows and bbq. She calls OK joe’s gas station BBQ (my friend Chad from there would cry so hard right now – I should send it to him). JP has to ride a mechanical bull and he looks like he is constipated.

 

Nikki wants her family’s blessing to tell JP that she loves him. Her dad makes a toast about anyone who sits at the table becomes a part of the family blah blah. Every family does this on this show, which is the opposite of every family I know, makes me wonder if A. this is fake (I know I know, let me pretend) B. the Producers write the speeches or C. the kind of families that make these trite speeches are the kinds that produce the girls that go on these shows (Probably a combo of all 3).

 

These homes are all so opulent I sometimes wonder if they are rented by the families for the shows appearance. Nikki’s dad says something that makes sense – basically, if you do not love her, do not propose. Nikki and her dad have their heart to heart and he says “blended families are never easy”. I really hope that he means because there is already a kid and not ‘blended’ like the colors/ethnicities…I choose to think he means the presence of the daughter.

 

JP and Nikki make out on the front door step like high school kids, I so want the dad to open the door and yell “Juan Pablo has to go now, you will see him in school tomorrow”. Nikki does not tell JP that she loves him.

 

Yellow M&M gets another featured ad with JP; I choose to think that Red told his agent “No way do I go on that show with that guy”.

 

We go to Andi’s hometown of Atlanta GA.

Andi tries to get back at JP for all the ‘crazy things’ he made her do – so she takes him to a gun range, and JP looks girlishly excited. Andi appears to group all her shots center mass (I do not trust this show). She also claims you cannot be a part of the south if you don’t know how to hold a gun right – I went to school in the south PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not believe her narrow minded stereotype. That said, I know how to shoot (but I never shot till Cali).

 

They go to Andi’s home and her nickname is apparently Pookie (had no idea she was black). Andi’s dad already has the mean mug face. Andi’s dad’s name is Hy. Hy proves that he can do math and keeps checking how many girls were on the dates etc. He also brings up good points like JP and Andi may just be infatuated with each other, not actually in love.

Andi’s mom wants to see JP dance, but he wisely says “Let’s call Andi” I think the mom wanted to dance with JP and he was smart enough to know that dancing with the mom solo was risky (hmm do I need to give him intelligence credit?). Hy wants to know why JP went on the show, his answer does not include the words “for money and fame” so I find it suspect. JP asks Hy if he would accept he and his daughter into the family. Hy answers diplomatically that at the time JP cannot have any other girls on the radar. Alli expects her sister (another cutie) to immediately tell her that JP is the one for her and cries when the sister (like a normal human being) cannot do that. There is another front step make out (hope his daughter is not watching). Like Nikki, Andi does not tell JP that she loves him.

 

We go to Sarasota, Florida for Renee’s hometown, now that I realize she is a real estate agent, I YELL COUGAR TOWN (only a few will get that). Renee says that she cannot wait to “literally eat my son” someone should call child protective services or teach Renee the meaning of literally. Apparently Renee’s union with her son is also the moment that she is introducing him to JP way to not shock your kid and teach him unrealistic moments. “Ben meet your new possible daddy”. This kid is a lot more outgoing than I was at his age, if my mom (thankfully parents still together) had ever shown up with a camera crew and some strange dude I would have curled up into the fetal position.

 

Another Bachelor ad tie-in this time for ‘Need For Speed’ weird, but Chris Harrison is one of the few guys who is better looking outside of a suit, or maybe it just is because I tend to glaze over once he comes on at the rose ceremony. [Need for Speed looks terrible by the way]

 

Time to meet the family, Renee claims that she trusts her parents’ decisions because they have never steered her wrong and if they tell her that they do not like JP…she would have to take a step back and reevaluate…guess she does not trust them 100%.

 

Renee tucks Ben into bed with cameras in the room, poor kid looks petrified. Renee admits to her mom that she has not told JP that she loves him, the mom is shocked. Renee’s dad seems to like JP, a lot. Another front door make out session, and another girl who does not tell him that she loves him…another girl who regrets not saying it…allegedly.

 

We go to Sacramento California for Clare’s hometown and it starts with a nature shot of birds, and bees…Clare and JP meet in a rose garden I want to make so many lost flower jokes. We bring up Clare’s dead father again…feels so strange on a date. She tells a story about her dad and it is a very sweet story, but the cynic in me does not believe it - this leads to a make out session.

 

We meet the family, just as my iphone update kicks in so I miss my snark counterpart E for a bit, not sure I can make it through without her. Clare is one of 6 daughters, but jeez none of them seem to look alike, not exactly true but Clare seems different from them all. Clare’s sis asks if Clare would accept JP’s proposal, it leads to tears and Clare saying she would do it in a heartbeat (Clare’s sis obviously has seen a few episodes of the Bachelor).

 

Clare, her mom and a sister sit down for a talk, the sis drives the convo and says that the family would not give their blessing – the mom says nothing. The sis acts tough even at one point stands over Clare, then moves to the shadows like Bane in the last Batman movie. I think we hear (I use hear loosely because I could not understand a word) the mom say one sentence the whole conversation. Clare’s sister holds a small white dog in her lap and gives an evil laugh…I kid you not.

 

The mom and JP go for a heart to heart and the Bane sis shows up (this family has a tonne of throws/shawls in their backyard). Again Bane drives the convo. Then Bane leaves and we finally find out that the mom does speak and impressively she speaks English and Spanish. Apparently the mom just uses Bane to talk because she is a mastermind, when she actually speaks she can carry on a very good conversation.

Another make out session, JP leaves with gifts maybe we were told how he received them and I zoned out? She does not tell him she loves him, while like all the others in the confessional she says how much she loves him.

 

We go to a rose ceremony that I did not expect, figured they would stretch it into tomorrow’s episode. Of course Clare and Nikki are brought out first to stand side by side and give each other cutting looks. They are at the Loews hotel so I suspect this is Miami, but the girls seem to be shivering in the windy night.

 

Nikki gets the first rose, and Clare murder-stares her, then Clare gets the 2^nd rose and Nikki returns the stare. The final rose goes to Andi and I am not shocked, I suspected that JP wanted to chill with Renee not marry her – oh who am I kidding, he just wanted the 3 hottest left. Renee is pretty, but she is not the prettiest left and I think the pool JP is swimming in is very shallow.

 

Sooo Renee, you introduced your kid to the guy who then dumps you on live TV…good luck explaining that to him…and hopefully his classmates are not as cruel as my friends would have been in prep school. Again the girl leaving has to comfort JP; it is a weak move sir.

 

Tonight’s blooper reel has seagulls stealing all the food from the picnic that Renee and JP had laid out on the beach and one of the seagulls drops a sandwich on Renee’s head.

 

Bachelor recap, part 2 of a 2 part descent into Brain Mush or how Andi stole the show!

(My usual source of Gifs seems to be dead...RIP)

 

Damn it they go to another Caribbean island that is NOT Jamaica. This week they go to St. Lucia, and JP struggles to pronounce its name.

 

JP says the overnight is special because he gets to talk to the girls with no cameras…yup talk.

 

Clare is first, and she weirdly runs up. The Lucian weather is not kind to Clare’s makeup. Clare pretends that she would have to consider an invite to the fantasy suite. As always we get the jump from the yacht into the water move. JP says the fantasy suite is a time for “us to get to know each other a lot better” with a creepy smile to the camera.  

 

Hmm maybe Clare really is serious about the hesitancy (or she could be doing to JP what a girl did to me…I once said I would deny anything between us and she forever held it against me; JP burned Clare with the Vietnam ocean thing and she wants him to feel it.) Nope she is going to the fantasy suite. If you are a girl on this show, you want to go first right? Granted last, might have the lasting memory, but first means no sloppy seconds or thirds…

 

JP said no cameras in fantasy suite, but we follow them right in. Clare says “I am loving falling in love with you” does that count? I am stealing that move. Overall this is a very boring date. Of course they end up in the water with Clare straddling him, but remember if this was in the ocean it would be bad for his daughter to see.

 

Andi next:

Weird while watching this the crawl is about the SD PD chief resigning because of sexual abuse cases by officers against women the timing may not be the best KGTV promo department.

 

As the son of a man who played Steel Drums when he was younger, and who himself can play a bit of the steel drum it annoyed me greatly to see Andi and JP interrupt a band to have them teach them it felt very “let’s interact with the natives” ish, also the move of asking the little kids on the beach if they were hungry…eh not good. They then played football with the natives even though JP insisted on calling it soccer. JP again pretends that he has a surprise for Andi and not “the producers have told me this is what we are doing”.

 

JP wants to know if Andi is falling in love despite saying she shouldn’t force it…which is it fellah? JP brings up some of the questions I had for Andi (see last week’s blog) and even mentions the bar, Andi does not answer and instead brings up other questions…smooth. Andi pretends that she is considering the fantasy suite request and puts it back on JP when we all know her answer is a resounding yes!

 

Argh E spoiled this (as much as you can spoil this show) by texting me how much the girls say “I want this to be forever” and now I cannot stop noticing it. What is with the overly dramatic fantasy suite music?

 

JP the morning after claims that he and Andi laughed and talked for hours…really, I am supposed to believe those 2 talked for hours of consequence? Whoa, Andi’s post fantasy suite confessional makes me think that maybe their ‘talk’ was not the same as JP’s .

Andi claims there was initially an immediate connection when she and JP first met; I think that is called lust.

 But wow, she goes in on her confessional, basically calling JP a man-child and actually calling him “offensive”.

She says that JP loves himself more than he would care about her. We get a lot of dramatic shots of Andi trying to look reflective. JP told her about his overnight with Clare, hahahahah, this guy has been too good looking for too long; he never had to worry about hurting girls.

 

Nikki is up next and is wearing an outfit that is Pocahontas crossed with a hippie.

 JP claims that he has no complaints from his nights with the first 2 girls…you are going to wish you saw Andi's confessional first son. They go horseback riding and I worry for the top she is wearing, those ‘ladies’ look like they are trying to escape (this is family programming – allegedly). Nikki says the word ‘like’ like a whole lot, like a lot of times like, like is the only word she knows. They enter the ocean, but after Clare and Vietnam I just cannot care anymore: if anything good happens in it he will slut-shame the girl and I cannot stomach that and if nothing good happens…what is the point?

 

 Nikki does not even pretend and immediately says yes to the fantasy suite and again JP makes it creepy in his confessional. Nikki drops in her I love you in a complicated fashion but it leads to awkward kissing so mission accomplished I guess.

 

Chris Harrison has to earn his trip to St Lucia by interviewing JP and pretending to care about JP’s feelings. JP tells Chris that he is feeling good, Chris asks what that means and JP repeats that things are good, he is good, things feel good then blames his English.

 

The girls leave video testimonials for JP, Clare and Nikki leave the usual simple we are meant to be messages but Andi tells him that she has to see him in person. Thanks to DVR I do not have to watch Andi walk slowly up the mountain path. Sounds like Andi has discovered what I blogged about in week 2, anytime a serious conversation comes up, JP just tries to kiss it away, literally.

 

Andi is telling JP that she is not in love with him and will never be and he takes it in stride, but that doesn’t sit well with Andi, she clearly wants him to show more emotion. She gets mad at him, I understand where she is coming from but at the same time it is not practical.

 When you are one of three, you are not as special as you think you should be. I think I am blogging too fast for this show Andi literally answers JP’s question of “what do you want me to do?” with “Feel something” I am looking into your soul Andi, I know you before you know you.

 

 Andi says that JP told her that between her and Renee she made it “here by default” hmm see my writing about the night before because JP has just told her what I said last night he picked the prettier girls. We have a he said she said about what happened in the fantasy suite. Andi accuses JP of not taking her seriously or the show seriously (sacrilege).

 What Andi wants from JP cannot really happen, she wants him to break down but in the back of his head he is always thinking – “I have 2 other girls waiting for me” Plus (and maybe I am too practical here) if you have 2 other girls waiting, one whom you may propose to and she will eventually watch this show you cannot be seen begging a third girl to stay.

 Now that she is over him, when JP reaches up to touch her face and remove a smudge she says “you are going to mess my makeup up”. All season he paws at her face to no retribution, but now that it is over it is a taste of “non mi toccare” (look it up I just made you enlightened and improved your travel in Italy). Andi rides off in a minibus, guess the budget couldn’t get the limos to St. Lucia. She is still ranting about the fact that JP says the word “okay” constantly.

 I really think they had sex!

 

The other 2 girls arrive for the rose ceremony and they do not know yet that Andi is gone. Both resume their death-stare competition. When Chris Harrison tells them that Andi is no longer in the competition, they switch to confused-face. Nikki still looks angry when Clare accepts her rose, as if she thought halfway through the ceremony JP would just reject Clare.

 

Very brief but poignant thoughts from E:

 

So I have a lot of things to say but will leave it at this. Andi went on and on about how JP only thought of himself and was all about him etc. It cracked me up at the end in the rose ceremony when JP says "but there's nothing I can do about it. I cannot force somebody to like me or spend the rest of my life with me."

Spend the rest of MY life with me.

Not their life. So perfect

 

Gifs from http://www.bustle.com/#/articles/16588-watch-bachelor-contestant-andi-tell-juan-pablo-exactly-what-weve-been-thinking-all-season-gifs 

Bachelor recap or where Juan Pablo makes strange noises and pretends to have a job

Tonight’s episode is in JP’s ‘home town’. And he claims he is on his way to surprise his daughter, cynically I said out loud, “but yet I bet there will be cameras already in the home so how will she be surprised?” and shockingly there were already cameras in the living room. On the drive to see his daughter JP makes a sound similar to little girls waiting to see Bieber…strange. I know he is very good looking, but macho he is not.

Sharleen gets the first one on one and looks less than pleased. She says if there is no mental connection by the end of the date she is leaving…just leave now if intellect is what you are looking for. I think the ladies are all acknowledging that JP is dumb – while talking about Sharleen behind her back they question the connection she would have with JP because “she likes really intellectual guys”.

There is a tonne of bad kissing on the yacht and Sharleen realizing that she might not care for his mind, but she is about the sexy.

Cut to Andi and Nikki talking about JP and Sharleen and their incompatible professions (in truth I am not really sure what JP does), their discussion though makes me think…Hey Andi you are a Chicago lawyer, are you just going to move to Miami? Good luck with the FL bar.

Sharleen keeps claiming that she and JP have chemistry and I think she is talking herself into believing she did not lower herself. JP points out the moon, the sky the company (I think he got his conversation guidelines from the Paula Abdul School for judging commentary). Did we get a glimmer of insight from JP? He says to Sharleen “you are very good at not trying to impress me, and that impresses me” or boiled down ‘you act like you do not like me, so I like you even more’!

Sharleen is hesitant to let JP meet her family, and he comments on her smile. Now I really, really want to meet Sharleen’s parents. I wonder if she is having the hang-ups I would have, I could go on a reality show, but then having to take home a contestant, or the host to meet my super-conservative folks would petrify me.

Nikki gets a one on one date card and is worried that there will be dancing, another girl calls her negative (she is a bit of a sour puss).

Sharleen is freaking out, so of course she goes to talk to Renee, cause everyone knows that Renee is the den mom (and let’s be honest she looks a lot older than the other girls).

Nikki and JP start their one on one at a flower shop and they need to make a flower arrangement for his daughter’s dance recital – seems like a big step all his family will be there. They arrange a terrible bouquet. JP and Nikki walk into the dance recital and it looks like everyone was already there and just waiting for them…I would be so pissed if I was a ‘regular’ family there and had to wait on this cheesy moron when I probably didn’t even want to go to a kids recital to begin with.

So let us talk for a second about JP’s inconsistencies week to week. He is constantly talking about his fears of what his daughter might get from the show if he kisses too many girls, yet he is always kissing girls every 10 minutes on this show. Then he says I have to worry about whom she meets but he takes a date to her recital? A date that might not be there next week? JP’s ex was also there…well done sir, well done.

JP takes Nikki to his claimed ‘office’ Marlins park, Nikki says it is very empty; trust me Nikki, it is about the same attendance as a real Marlins' game. Seriously what does he do? They toss a baseball around, make out on a picnic blanket to stop serious conversations.

JP then talks about the moon and the skies again. I think the producers gave him a script and every time he looks up he forgets it, so he just mentions the first thing he sees.

Sharleen calls a house meeting with the girls to tell them how conflicted she is; and announces that she is leaving. She is even more like my ex now, never knowing for sure what she should do…Sharleen breaks down the 4^th wall and lets us know that she does not think she could just accept a proposal at the end of 3 weeks – gotta fulfill those contractual obligations. JP does his terrible consoling technique of repeatedly saying “look at me, don’t cry, look at me” [it did not work with Clare or Andi and does not work now either].

JP cries over Sharleen’s departure.

Group date time

 – if you get a rose here, JP gets to meet your family and they get to realize they no longer respect you.

Chelsie gets the first alone time, and breaks out the family mementos aaaaaand her parents wrote her notes…I guess it is cute? To me it just made me think she is still a child and her parents know it.

Andi immediately starts crying on her alone time with JP and claims to have a tough shell.

Now that Sharleen is gone Andi starts to steal some moves from her playbook, ‘act uncertain, make him comfort you, confuse him with big words, awkwardly kiss – go team go’.

We are supposed to be on Renee’s alone time, but instead we just see her and JP walking and then they cut back to the other girls talking…wow was it that boring they couldn’t even splice it together?

We cut to Clare’s alone time and JP immediately brings up her dead dad – wow dude, just wow. Clare brings up the video that her dad left for her for the man she is going to marry to watch. It is in DVD format and cynical guy jumps out again; what if by the time she gets hitched she doesn’t own a DVD player? Who are we kidding, she is going to get hitched soon, whether a guy wants it or not.

Andi gets the rose  and Clare looks murderous, Clare says “the people who are getting these roses are the people that are doubting themselves, who are not here for him”. She even gets the blurred cursing in the confessional room treatment – my favorite thing.

Andi and JP go to a Romeo Santos show (JP acted as if we should know who he is) they start dancing on stage. Andi claims that JP is a great dancer, but she also claimed that she doesn’t know anything about latin music – let’s add latin dancing to that lack of knowledge.  

Cut back to hotel room, Clare “I want to hang out with Nikki like I want to be stung by a jelly fish”. The exchange of the girls is awkward. Nikki calls a Clare statement stupid and storms off. Clare goes to confront her. Both girls get mad when they cut each other’s statements off “can you please not cut me off” is a repeated phrase. “You can just excuse yourself from my room” “Your room, did you pay for it?” “Did you?” this argument would win all the dumb girl debates for all time. “Clare is a dog, she peed on him first, she claimed some territory that might not be hers”.

We get another JP and the Yellow M&M candy advertisement and once again, Yellow out acts JP.

The more I see the tension between Nikki and the rest of the girls, I really want to just cut to the ‘After the final rose’ special to see all the yelling and behind the scenes catfights. Nikki is acting as if she is guaranteed to get a rose. Renee, Clare and Chelsea are talking about Nikki and all I can think about is…”Renee is supposed to be the same age as Clare? I have to look this up.” (I probably won’t). Nikki and Clare are left alone on the couch and we hear crickets, not just figuratively we actually hear them…I think the producers piped the sound in.

 Not a word is exchanged until Andi walks up then it goes back to silence. Ha didn’t have to do research, Renee’s age flashes on screen and yup she is allegedly 32…

JP as he leaves to make his decision with Chris feigns fanning himself with his hands, uh huh.

Rose Ceremony time:

Speech from Chris, speech from JP, glazed eyes from Cali J. Nikki gets the first rose and Clare gives murder face, 2^nd rose to Clare (no shock there), now the hammer – Renee gets the final rose again no shock. I never expected Chelsie to make it to the end.

JP immediately starts crying and looking away from her – oh man up G! The girl leaving should not have to comfort you.

Next week the Bachelor tries to kill me by having 2 episodes…looks like Clare’s family might have a Nikki gene in some of them. The blooper reel has Andi doing bad dancing.

 Gifs from http://www.buzzfeed.com/toddb17/the-bachelor-gif-recap-week-7-welcome-to-miami-dhd4

Now for E’s take

Not going to be a lot of notes, I don’t think…

Sharleen’s date:
She says that JP makes her feel happy, which isn’t something that she normally allows herself to feel.  That’s weird.  Really weird.
She has on another interesting bathing suit.  I think I’ve liked them all.

I hate that they edit in so many shots of tongue kissing. Full on tongue.  Ick when it is that close up of a shot.

Nikki’s date:
Risky going to meet the whole family (and baby mama!), wow.  Totally dick to put that on someone with no warning, but that’s gotta be pretty awesome for Nikki!  Do you even think that the dance recital was real? [Looked like a staged exhibit for his kid] And his ex looked Not. Pleased.

Sharleen tell the girls she is leaving.  Andi says “Are you suuuureee?” in a way that makes it sound like she doesn’t want to ruin the moment and have her change her mind.  :)  Why is JP staying at the hotel?  As much as I hate to admit it, he sort of was a little amazing about her leaving.

Group date:
Dude.  Andi needs to stop with the crying.  She’s pouty and fishing for something and it is just annoying.

Did JP just say I wish I can meet your dad to Claire?  That seems a bit insensitive. Oh man.  She just brought up the video.  This goes back to my comments about her on night one.  If she even shows that….  Claire thinks she is getting this group date rose.  I can’t wait to see her face when she doesn’t (I’m praying for this).  Yesss, so good.  She’s hilarious and such a poor loser.

Wow, this Claire and Nikki thing is ridiculous.  Claire is a nutcase.

Going into the cocktail/rose ceremony all I can think is: Why is Chelsie still there?

Well, she ended up going home.  No real surprise there.  Next week should be interesting.

 

Bachelor Episode 6, or let's go down under and seriously not chuckle at the references

This show is weakening me, yesterday I was able to rip open my snap peas bag, today, same type of packaging and I had to get scissors…I blame the show. JP says “I like this[x thing]” a lot. They are in Taupo, New Zealand – between the Bachelor and every Peter Jackson movie, New Zealand has had enough bloody free advertising. Clare says “last week in Vietnam everything kind of blew up in my face” and I give a juvenile “that’s what she said” chuckle.

Andi finally gets her one x one date.

And we have another scene of Renee comforting another girl who is thinking of leaving: Renee do you know the point of this show?

Date time, and JP’s voice over says that he talked to the locals and they told him a spot to go to…really JP, you spoke to the locals? You made inquiries? When, when did you do this? Why do I take this so seriously? I call shenanigans because I do not think that I should care this much about what feels like an obvious lie. Another thing I always find funny, is these peeps acting as if they are in some perilous situations when the camera man is clearly just ahead of them since they are on a steady cam the whole time.

JP says he has an amazing date planned for the evening and then says it will be in front of a geyser and “it is going to blow her mind” no way did he come up with that on his own. Of course the geyser goes off and of course they are too close, so the food all gets wet…maybe next time set up the meal in the distance, you can still see the effect but not soak your date.

Cassandra “as much as I miss my son, I had a really nice talk with Renee” look rarely if ever does anything good come out of a parent’s mouth if they say “as much as” then something about their kid. Way to make the kid secondary. Did I mention she is only 21 (22^nd birthday on her group date) is the baby mamma to an NBA player and danced for 2 different NBA teams…just saying.

Andi says to JP that she wants a family and it wows him – that is right girl, use those lawyering skills, you are not matching wits with a mental giant.

Group date time,

They roll down hills in OGOs Nikki and JP sneak kisses in the OGOs. For the evening portion they go to Hobbiton (where the Lord of the rings movies are filmed) Shareleen geeked out (I liked her bathing suit, it was risky and different [drats just noticed I copied the words from E’s text in my description).

Renee subtly tells JP that Cassandra is freaking out by saying that they both had mommy heart to hearts. They quickly make out because again JP + words = not that great.

Then a bad kiss with Nikki

On Sharleen’s one on one they say these words before a make out session (I even did the thing I hate doing I REWOUND the bachelor just to confirm) S; “Hi” JP: “Hi” S: “How are you?” JP: “Good How are you?” S: “Good.” JP: “That’s good” then MAKING OUT…and they say conversation is dead? Their make outs are always so awkward.

Cassandra (birthday girl) is on her date and I crack up that they have updated her age on the screen. She says JP is “such a good dad”. I wonder how she knows this, what about this makes you think he is a good dad? He left his daughter for months to go on the Bachelorette, now leaves her for weeks to be the Bachelor. Best dad in the world that guy!

Renee’s voice over says that she is rooting for Cassandra to get the rose if she does not get it; again, do you get the point of the show? JP gives the rose to Sharleen, and she does an awkward bow. (So happy there was a gif of this)
JP then takes Cassandra outside to talk and you know the axe is coming. He starts off by complimenting her looks – yup she is definitely going home.
Cassandra says “I have been waiting so long for someone special” she is 22! 'Happy Birthday' – 'get off the show', cruel timing.
Even crueler having to watch her and JP share that see thru umbrella this girl cannot catch a break. 

Time for the one on one with Clare:

JP and Clare hash out what happened in the ocean in Vietnam…the coitus we all suspect. They talk about what for them is deep conversation, maybe I should date dumber girls because this discussion was so simple and superficial and immediately went to making out. Absolutely none of the girls I have ever dated would have let me off the hook so easily for making them cry, then again I also eat ice cream every night and do not look like JP.

Much of their date is very boring, JP hands her sweats to put on to get comfy, they look like Hammer Pants on her which she immediately recognizes and does the Hammer dance. She thinks it is sexy that he wants her to be relaxed. JP puts on the song that he and Clare danced to on their first date and she acts as if he knew and remembered (or had access to his itunes account) to buy this song. The more I see him dancing, the less I think he can actually dance, I know I only see snippets (but the terrible moves are there).

We get the follow up on the guy who plans to propose to his girl aka the extended ad for Jared (with the Box with their name opening up perfectly infront of the camera); shockingly she says yes. Let’s move on.

For all the locations they head to in New Zealand they give full names and locations, I suspect the New Zealand tourist board put in some more demands than the tourist boards of Vietnam and Korea.

Cocktail party time:

Nikki is asked by JP why she likes him she responds with “I just do” and that leads to making out. Anyone remember that time when he said he didn’t want his daughter to see him kissing all these girls on TV? And, you would think that with all this kissing, he would be better at it.

Renee says that now that Cassandra is gone, it is risky for her. Uh huh. 2 dates, 2 make out sessions. I suspect every girl is getting a kiss tonight.

Chelsie over talks on her date, she is going a mile a minute and JP looks glazed.
 But, uh oh, she gets a kiss on the cheek.

Kat’s turn and she starts talking a tonne too (but sad stuff) – the eyes glaze again.

Rose ceremony time:

It is down to Kat and Chelsie and Chelsie gets the rose. Sharleen as always looks more distraught than the girl leaving…what is going on here? Kat goes out with a bit of a humble brag “My whole life I have been told about how great I am and yet here I sit [in the limo going home]”. Sharleen says “she feels guilty” for still being there.

Finally they are going to somewhere I have been next week…Miami. Sharleen hints that she might leave, am I too cynical for thinking that she is only now saying this because they have stopped travelling to exotic locations?

In the blooper reel we get a video of the girls running through the fields apparently chasing the sheep until we see that JP is actually flinging sheep poop at the girls. Yup, this is the show I watch! At least I know I will not die in my sleep tonight, no way could this be the last thing I see.

 And Now for E’s take

Taupo, New Zealand…  I’ve been there! Fun times were had. [Editor’s note, I bet they were]  Almost went skydiving there.  Anyway, Andi gets the first date.

The moms have a heart to heart…lots of tears.  Yawn.

Back to Andi’s date… So JP “talked to the locals” about a very romantic place.  Yeah, right.  I think I would be a little freaked out going through those tunnels in the water.  Water with nature in it creeps me out.  But where they end up is so beautiful.  And it’s funny because she talks about wanting to get to know JP better, and deeper, but all that gets stronger and deeper are their kisses and make-out sessions.  Sheesh.

The second part of the date is in Rotorua.  Which smells like bad eggs (sulfur).  That can’t be romantic!  God, it must smell SOOOOO bad.  [Editor’s note, we get it you were there (trying hard not to be jealous, I am failing terribly)] And then they get rained on by the geyser and it seems like Andi may not be one to go with the flow.  Then she back tracks a little and says it is all about the company and getting to know him…. I don’t buy it.

Group date:
My prediction from the previews last week was that they go zorbing.  Let’s see.

I can’t believe Cassandra is only just turning 22.  I bet the only reason she is on the show is because she already has a kid of her own.

Okay, so yes, what I experienced as zorbing is called something else now, but it is the same thing.  I never did it, but it looked like fun.  I just took pictures and watched people. [Editor's note, they are called OGOs and yup they look fun]

I’m a little jelly that they’re in Hobbtion.  Not gonna lie. [Editor’s note - Not gonna lie, amused that you said jelly]

It’s a little weird that Nikki never looks at JP when she talks to him. [Editor’s note – Shame does that]

Is it weird when Sharleen kisses because she always keeps her head super straight?  Maybe that’s what it is.  She’s just weird. [Editor’s note, I will let you slide this time on dissing my girl] And seriously, any time JP is telling the girls everything is going to be okay, it makes me laugh.  He gets this weird breathy voice.

HAHA! When JP pulls Cassandra out after giving the rose to Sharleen, Nikki says “He’s probably taking her out to say happy birthday…” and frowny nods sagely.  No, she is like, that bitch is OUTTA HERE! Yesssssss.  Anyway, Worst.  Birthday.  Ever.

Queue saddest song ever.  I snorted out loud. [Editor’s note, I think they blew the budget on flights and foreign limo rentals and couldn’t afford good music this episode]

So wait, Sharleen is thinking about going home?  And she already has a rose?  Doesn’t really surprise me (this isn’t quite a non sequitur, it was a “coming up next…”).

I don’t know if I can handle this Clare one on one.  I already feel like sighing heavily.  Anyway, so they have this long conversation and he goes on and on about not wanting to do anything that would be the wrong impression for this daughter, and then cue the close up of tonguing.  Again, sheesh. So in the room he puts on some song from their first date and I think my eyes actually hurt from rolling so far back into my head.  But they didn’t plug the song and artist, so I guess that sucks for whomever that was that I never knew and already forgot. [Editor’s note – they didn’t put any info on the song because they couldn’t remember who he was either, he could walk into my home right now and I would stare at him like “dude why did you just invade my home and why are you singing some terrible song?”]

OMG.  He said pink underwear.  “I like pink a lot.”  So, that question you asked me on text?  YES. [Editor’s note, I questioned some aspects about JP and his commitment to all these girls]

Pre-rose ceremony, if it is between Chelsie and Kat, Chelsie wins hands down with the one on one chats.  She went upbeat and Kat went dark.  Both of them are so confident the other is going home. [Editor’s note, is it bad that I was cool with both going home?]

So I guess the Sharleen freaking out and talking about going home is next week? Or did I totally zone out? (Oh there it is at the end).

I knew it!  Chelsie stays, Kat goes.  She bombed her one on one time.  Clare looks way too happy when Kat leaves.  And again Sharleen is way too torn up about one of the other girls leaving. [Editor’s note, guilt?]

Funny thing, the first place they go that I haven’t been to is Miami.  Go ahead, call me out on the humble brag. [Editor’s note I DID…gotcha Beeyotch]

From the outtakes, it looks like Renee might have been saved because he was impressed that she slung some sheep poop at him. [Editor’s note UGH I THINK YOU ARE RIGHT]